Introducing the Jokes page, alias The Comma. All jokes must be clean, non racist but downright funny. C’mon piglets lets have a go!
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WEDNESDAY 22 FEBRUARY 2012
RUNNING TIMES*
DIESEL 8.00pm – 8.40pm*
INTERVAL
ROD STEWART 9.00pm – 10.50pm*
* please note running times are approximate and subject to change without notice
ARRIVE EARLY, MINIMISE DELAYS AND ENHANCE YOUR
ENJOYMENT!!!
Patrons attending the ROD STEWART event tomorrow, WEDNESDAY 22 FEBRUARY 2012 at the Brisbane Entertainment Centre, BOONDALL are reminded of the transport and guest services in place for this popular event.
CATERING INFORMATION
STARS RESTAURANT is fully booked however from 5.30pm the Courtyard Food Outlets and Wetlands Bistro will be serving plated meals with The Gallery, Avanti Takeaway and various Candy Bars serving a variety of other light meals and snack options.
The Brisbane Entertainment Centre will also operate various bars from 5.30pm.
For further enquiries, please contact the Brisbane Entertainment Centre on 07 3265 8111.
TRANSPORT AND PARKING
NORTHERN, WESTERN AND SOUTH WESTERN SUBURBS
Travel via Sandgate Road to Boondall and take Stanworth Road to the Centre.
SOUTHERN, EASTERN AND SOUTH EASTERN SUBURBS
Travel via the Gateway Arterial. The Gateway Upgrade Project is currently underway. For the latest traffic changes and alerts visit http://www.gup.com.au.
PARKING – The Centre’s car parks are fully supervised with a $10.00 fee per vehicle. To minimise delays, we suggest patrons share vehicles with friends or utilise the Queensland Rail service to the Centre.
DROP OFFS, TAXIS, LIMOUSINES – Please advise the car park attendant upon arrival and you will be directed to the reserved location.
DISABLED PATRONS – Please advise car park attendant upon arrival and you will be directed to the reserved location.
QUEENSLAND RAIL – We recommend you phone Translink on 131 230 for times and connecting services.
GENERAL INFORMATION
The following items will not be permitted into The Centre;
CAMERAS WITH DETACHABLE AND OR TELEPHOTO LENSES, RECORDING EQUIPMENT, BOTTLES, CANS, BACKPACKS, LARGE BAGS, ILLEGAL SUBSTANCES, STUDDED BELTS, WEAPONS, LASERS, GLOW STICKS, ALCOHOL, CHAINS AND MOTOR BIKE HELMETS
The Brisbane Entertainment Centre will operate a FREE cloak room.
For any ticketing queries, please contact Ticketek on 132 849 or via the Ticketek website
Melaleuca Drive, Boondall, Brisbane, Queensland. Postal Address:
GPO Box 2005, Brisbane, Queensland, Australia 4001
Telephone: (07) 3265 8111 Facsimile: (07) 3265-8271
Website: http://www.brisent.com.au Email: bec@brisent.com.au
Brisbane Entertainment Centre is managed and operated by
AEG Ogden (Brisbane) Pty Ltd ABN: 21 068 883 545
The Brisbane Entertainment Centre is mindful that your personal information is private. If you would prefer not to receive anything further from the Brisbane Entertainment Centre simply click on the unsubscribe link below or mail to our postal address at GPO Box 2005, Brisbane, Qld, 4001 Attn: Privacy Officer.
Well, I can’t take the canon. So I’ll have to see if he gets my note!
When John was six and Peter was four they were talking one morning in John’s bedroom.
John says to Peter, “you know, Peter, we’re old enough now to swear. We should start swearing now, straight away! When we go down for breakfast we should start swearing over our CocoPlops!”
Peter agreed and a few minutes later, mother called them for breakfast. When they got to the dining room, mother asked John, “Now what would you like for breakfast, young man?”
John puffed his chest up and replied, “I’ll have the fucking CocoPlops, thanks!”
Mother swings around and flicks him so hard across the ear, John went sliding down the hall like one of them puppies everyone was talking about on the dot.
Then, mother turns to Peter and asks, “Well, young Peter, what would you like for breakfast?”
Peter looks at his mum’s fiery eyes and replies, “Well, I’m not having the fucking CocoPlops, that’s for sure!”
Howzat?
Ha ha..Trantarah Tarantarah. (Gilbert & Sullivan)
Thanks, Slacker.
WHERE’S MY RECYCLED JOKE? Slacker.
Ooops, sorry. Ask Helvi–she’s seen them all
Urinals are a complete mystery to half the population. On TV shows they are either portrayed as place of fear and violence or else as one vast social networking opportunity.
I suppose women network over the makeup mirrors.
There are communal toilets these days. Very progressive. I can just imagine Bob Brown & Penny Wong being confused.
Here is today’s comic relief.
Football Boots
Woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom cupboard to watch. Just after getting into bed the woman’s husband also comes home unexpectedly, she tells her lover to hide in the cupboard, not realising that the little boy is in there.
After a little while the little boy says, ‘Dark in here.
The man, who obviously got a real fright not expecting to hear anything, let alone from a little boy says, ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy – ‘I have a football.’
Man – ‘That’s nice.’
Boy – ‘Want to buy it?’
Man – ‘No, thanks.’
Boy – ‘My dad’s outside.’
Man – ‘OK, how much?’
Boy – ‘$ 250′
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the cupboard together.
Boy – ‘Dark in here.’
Man – ‘Yes, it is.’
Boy – ‘I have football boots.’
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, ‘OK How much this time?’
Boy – ‘$ 750′
Man – ‘Sold.’
A few days later, the boys’ father says to the boy, ‘Grab your boots and football, let’s go outside and have a game of soccer.
The boy says, ‘I can’t, I sold my ball and boots.’
The father asks, ‘How much did you sell them for and to who?’
The boy says, ‘To a friend of mine for a $ 1,000..’
The father says, ‘That’s a terrible thing to do, overcharging your friend like that’. ‘That’s four times what they cost when they were new, I’m going to take you to church and make you confess your terrible sins.’
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, ‘Dark in here’..
The priest says, ‘Don’t start that shit again you little prick, you’re in my cupboard now’!!
.
# How do they serve alcoholic drinks on Italian cruise ships? – On the rocks
# What vegetables do you get with dinner on Italian cruise ships? – Leeks
# What’s the fastest way to get off an Italian cruise ship? – Follow the captain
# When the captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia was asked if he knew where he was going he replied “off course.”
# So the captain of the Costa Concordia will soon be in the dock. That’s more than can be said for his ship.
# The Costa Concordia is probably the most expensive thing to go down in Italy since Berlusconi’s last hooker.
# What’s the difference between the Italian economy and the stricken cruise liner Costa Concordia?
Nothing – The bottoms dropped out of both.
Better late than never. Both the joke and my comment.
You’re only 14 days behind. However, it will be deleted if Helvi gets her way.
I suppose that what she doesn’t realize, is that jokes don’t necessitate a response. So no-one knows how many people have peeked!
VL, not many…I don’t care if The Comma is kept open or closed…I just don’t see any purpose in it. If I want recycled jokes, they are everywhere.
I rather read something original and funny written by Funston or any other Piglet, that’s all, dear boy…
Recycled jokes are everywhere? Goodness me, I hadn’t noticed, despite looking, consistently and constantly .
I just got back from a holiday in Thailand, and came that close to shaggin’
a ladyboy.
Looked like a woman, spoke like a woman, walked like a woman and kissed like
a woman.
It was only when she was driving me back to her place and reversed parked
into a narrow parking space with no problem, I thought ………
….Just a feckin’ minute
Oh those holiday coincidences! Fancy meeting another member of the House of Lords in Thailand! Or were you travelling together?
P.S. How frustrating for you coming so close. Perhaps you’ll have better luck next time.
It’s only a story, Voice. It’s not real.
Luckily, Helvi and Viv, don’t keep their email alerts on. So by the time that they get arpound to saying that it’s a sexist joke, I’ll be gorne.
Let me know if they start picking on you dear. How could a simple story about an *ahem* close encounter between two Lord chappies be sexist?
Unlike you to miss anything!!!
The allusion to women drivers!!!
I only saw something about your lady boy friend’s driving. You seemed surprised he could park so well. Perhaps he’d had lessons since the last time you two were together.
Well, a reasonable recovery. However, I am not convinced that you had got the joke -)
It’s a joke! No, I had no idea.
Thought it was just another typical Lord incident. I am relieved though I tell you.
A non-racial joke for you.
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot infidel! I do not need such an over-priced, western adornment – I spit on your ties. I need water!
“Sorry, I have none – just ties – pure silk – and only $5.”
“Pahh! Allah curse you and your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you but….. I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me OR that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice cold water you need…. Go in peace.”
Cursing him, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
.
.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot infidel! I do not need such an over-priced, western adornment – I spit on your ties. I need water!
“Sorry, I have none – just ties – pure silk – and only $5.”
“Pahh! Allah curse you and your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you but….. I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me OR that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice cold water you need…. Go in peace.”
Cursing him, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small stand, selling ties. The Taliban asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot infidel! I do not need such an over-priced, western adornment – I spit on your ties. I need water!
“Sorry, I have none – just ties – pure silk – and only $5.”
“Pahh! Allah curse you and your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you but….. I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the old Jewish man, “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me OR that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice cold water you need…. Go in peace.”
Cursing him, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, “They won’t let me in without a tie!
Oooops. Double titters.
Cute, VL, even though I saw the punch line arriving before it had even crossed the horizon. Expect I’ve heard something similar before. Is it in your own words?
No it’s just a re-hash, by someone.
I prefer jokes to arguments. Well in here anyway. Although a discussion, with vigour, is good. I was trying to have one with Jayfa, but he f***ed off with his bat & ball.
And heart warming it was to see you enjoying yourself again in a civilised argument.*
You held up your end.
*Especially after having been so recently reduced to complimenting my Euro manners in search of an argument fix.
I wish there were more. I suppose we need more heads?
More drinkers at the pub. That would fix it. We lost Madeliene; other writers don’t stay; then granny (whoever that is); Warrigal and Emmjay, for weeks (metoo actually).
T2, is on the other line BTW.
Plus much of what is written here is unsympathetic to that way of thinking.
Hi to you T2 if you drop in here, and don’t forget to pay your way with a joke of your own.
Bloody rain again. It stopped for a while.
I’m gonna try the other room. Maybe I can argue with world movies, or……Rick Stein
Hey, I tried a gentle insult about your commenting problems with gerard’s latest article but you let it slide. What MORE can I do?
I will leave you to mourn Jayfa in peace.
Well, I only picked up half of it. The 1st word looked Indonesian?
MMmm, gulp, just took another bite of damper with ginger marmalade……….and….hang on a minute……………………..
Another slug of coffee
I wonder what’s up with T2? He jumped in, then ran away.
The first word is an acronym. Problem Exists Between Keyboard And Chair.
ILTFYP.
I hope that was polite.
I was just making the point that one doesn’t always ‘get/translate’, obscure acronyms. I’m not gonna translate that one
More coffe, I think. Just to get my eyes knocking together.
Tsk, tsk. Manners. Tsk encore.
Bonne journée. Signing off.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, ‘Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?’
The farmer said, ‘Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.’
The old lady suggested, ‘Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?’
‘Why thank you very much,’ he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says ‘Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time..’
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me.. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?’
The farmer said, ‘Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?’
The old lady replied, ‘Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens
TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES CHURCH over LIGHTNING STRIKE
ONLY IN TEXAS …
Texas Beer Joint Sues Church In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond’s Bar began construction on expansion of their building to increase their business.
In response, the local Baptist Church
started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground!
After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about ??? the power of prayer???, until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church . . .”was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means.”
In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building’s demise.
The judge read through the plaintiff’s complaint and the defendant’s reply, and at the opening hearing he commented………
“I don’t know how I’m going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that now does not.”
True Story.
Sean Connery, was interviewed by Michael Parkinson,
And bragged that despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex 3 times a night.
Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says,
“Sean, if I’m not bein too forward, I’d luv to ‘ave sex with yer.
Lets go back to my ouse, we could ‘ave a lorra fun.
So they went back to her place and got comfortable
After a couple of drinks they went off to bed and had an hour of mad passionate sex together.
Afterwards, Sean says, “If you think that was good,
let me shleep for half an hour, and we can have better shex.
But while I’m shleeping, hold my balls in your left hand and ma willie in your right hand”.
Cilla looks a bit perplexed, but says “Okay”.
He sleeps for half an hour, awakens, and they have even better sex than before.
Then Sean says, “Cilla, that was wonderful.
But if you let me shleep for an hour, we can have the besht shex yet. You’ll have to…….”
“I know Sean. Yer want me to ‘old onto yer bat ‘n balls again. No problem hun”.
Cilla complies with the routine.
The results this time are absolutely mind blowing.
Once it’s all over, they have a drink, Sean lights a cigarette and Cilla asks
“Sean, tell me, dis ‘oldin yer balls in one hand
and yer willie in de other – does it really stimulate yer that much?”
Sean replies, “No, not at all Cilla,
But the last time I shlept with a scouser, the bitch stole ma wallet !”
How to Wash the Cat
from Johnno
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl…
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. At this point the cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this!
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ‘Power-Wash’ and‘Rinse’.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand well back, behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the toilet and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerly,
Mmmmm, I do like a nice clean cat.
And a nice clean loo is a bonus too! Very clever tip Emmjay!
A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said:
“Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”
“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.
“What about the wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”
“Well,” said the pirate, “We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I’m fine now.”
The bartender replied, “Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”
The pirate explained, “We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I’m fine, really.”
“What about that eye patch?”
“Oh,” said the pirate, “One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them shit in my eye.”
“You’re kidding,” said the bartender. “You couldn’t lose an eye just from bird shit.”
“It was my first day with the hook.”
Molly Meldrum under went brain surgery. An interview with the brain surgeon reviled that he didn’t find anything.
The secret of his happiness, HOO.
Brilliant, Jules. I love pirate jokes.
This one was contributed by Ian Johnson – welcome to the Pig’s Arms
A nun was sitting at the Sydney airport , waiting for her flight to
Townsville .
She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that
Tells your fortune and thought to herself, ‘I’ll give it a try and see what
It tells me.’
She went over to the machine, stepped up on the scale and put her dollar in
; out came a card that read, ‘you are a nun, you weigh 60kg, and you are
Going to Townsville .’
The nun sat back down. She told herself that the machine probably gives the
Same card to everyone . But the more she thought about it the more curious she
Got so she decided to try it again, she went back to the machine and again
Put her dollar in, and out came a card that read :
‘You are a nun, you weigh 60kg, you are going to Townsville and you are
Going to play a fiddle ..’
The nun says to herself, ‘i know that is wrong, i have never played a
Musical instrument even once in my life.’ she sat back down.
From out of nowhere a man came over and sat down, putting his violin case
On the seat between them.
Without thinking, she opened the violin case, took out the fiddle, and
Started playing beautiful music. Surprised at what she had done, she looked
Over at the machine,thinking, ‘This is incredible, i’ve got to try this again.’
Back to the machine she went, put in another dollar, and another card came
Out.
It read, ‘you are a nun, you weigh 60kg, you are going to Townsville and you
Are going to break wind.’
Now she knows the machine is wrong, as she thought to herself, ‘I’ve never
Broken wind in public a single time in my life.’ but getting down off the
Machine she slipped, and as she was straining to keep herself from falling
To the floor, she broke wind.
Absolutely stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to
Herself, ‘this is truly remarkable. I’ve got to try this again.’
She went back to the machine, put in another dollar and another card came
Out.
It read, ‘you are a nun, you weigh 60kg, you have fiddled and farted
Around and missed your flight to Townsville
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer.. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude.
As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,
“May I ask what the turkey did?”
Nice one, Algy !
Yeah, good one….
But I thought this was ‘my’ page?
Lol thanks brother for the laugh