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Monthly Archives: August 2009

Cyrus ,chapter 3 and part 3.

13 Thursday Aug 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in Cyrus the Great: Chronicles

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Harpagus

CYRUS  Chapter 3,  part3

By

Theseustoo

As Harpagus entered the throne room, escorted by two guards, he saw Mitradates and Ambares standing in front of the throne; although he recognized the cowherd immediately he did not know who the youth was at all. Mitradates was hanging his head, but he looked up at the king’s minister sheepishly as Harpagus quickly approached the throne. As the conversation progressed between the monarch and his minister, the confusion which had expressed itself on the youth’s face gradually turned into an expression of wonder as enlightenment gradually adorned his handsome visage.

As soon as he saw the herdsman, Mitradates, Harpagus gave him a suspicious glance and fear began to rise in his breast. He wondered what this cowherd could possibly be doing here with a boy of that age, noticing the remarkable resemblance the young lad bore to Astyages. He dared not even think about what he now began to suspect, though the suspicion grew into a certainty as he approached the throne. Astyages was expressionless however, as he now asked his servant in a quiet voice, “Harpagus, how did you kill the child of my daughter whom I gave into your hands?”

Harpagus instantly knew now with dreadful certainty who this youth must be; he could only be the child of Cambyses and Mandane, whom he had long ago given into the hands of this cowherd to dispose of. Harpagus, as the king’s own personal minister, knew Astyages well enough to know that he would recognize a lie instantly and decided that his only hope lay in telling the whole truth… very carefully.

“Sire,” he began hesitantly, “when you gave me the child I instantly wondered how I could fulfil your wishes, and yet, without being unfaithful to you, avoid blood-guilt for shedding blood which in truth was your daughter’s and your own. So I sent for this cowherd and gave the child to him, telling him that by the king’s orders it was to be put to death. And this was no lie, for so you had commanded! I ordered him to expose the baby in the wilds of the mountains, and to stay near and watch till it was dead; I threatened him with all manner of punishment if he failed. Afterwards, when he had done all that I had commanded, I sent the most trustworthy of my eunuchs to view the body; and then I had the child buried. This, sire, is the simple truth, and this is the death by which the child died.”

Astyages showed not the slightest sign of displeasure, let alone anger as he said simply, “The child you buried was the stillborn son of this man’s wife; this lad here is my grandson!”

For a brief moment Astyages watched the fear rising in Harpagus’ eyes as it simultaneously drained the blood from his face. Harpagus watched the king’s face closely, trying to determine what he was thinking as the monarch continued speaking, still in a calm and steady voice which betrayed no emotion; apparently undisturbed by this startling revelation.

“So! The boy is alive;” the king was saying to him softly as Harpagus recovered his wits, “and it is best as it is. For the child’s fate was a great sorrow to me, and the reproaches of my daughter went to my heart. Truly fortune has done us a good turn in this. Go home now, and send me your son to be with the new-comer. Tonight I shall sacrifice thank-offerings for the child’s safety to the gods to whom such honour is due; I hope you will be my guest of honour at the banquet.”

Managing, with some difficulty, to hide both his relief and his surprise at the king’s mood, and this apparent change of heart towards his grandson which it now indicated; yet not quite trusting his voice to remain steady because his throat was dry from fear; Harpagus silently nodded his acceptance of Astyages’ generous, if rather astonishing invitation. Then he bowed more deeply than ever towards the king, and left the great hall.

***   *****   ***

The two guards who were on sentry duty at the city gates leaned heavily on their spears, looking forward to sunset, when the evening shift would be coming to relieve them; in a little over an hour’s time, they estimated, from the lowering position of the reddening sun as it fell towards the horizon in the western sky. Suddenly a young lad of about nine or ten years old strode up to them, as proud as a young peacock, and announced, “Guards, I am the son of Harpagus; the king has sent for me.”

The guards exchanged a knowing glance with each other and one of them, putting his arm around the lad’s shoulders, with exaggerated friendliness, said, “Oh yes… We were told to expect you; you are to come with us…”

Too young and inexperienced to notice anything the least bit unusual in their behaviour, the boy walked freely between them as the two guards escorted him unsuspectingly deep into the city’s interior. The pride the youth felt at having been summoned personally into the royal presence and which was clearly reflected in his cocky attitude, remained undiminished as, instead of taking him to the throne-room of Astyages, or otherwise to the apartment of the king’s newly-rediscovered grandson; whose companion the boy had been informed he was appointed to be; the guards escorted him directly to the kitchens.

The unfortunate youth was still looking forward to meeting his new companion when a sudden unexpected blow to the back of his head mercifully rendered him unconscious.

***   *****   ***

(To be continued)

Smack the Pony

12 Wednesday Aug 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Cricics, Critics, Everyone's a Critic

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Smack the Pony Cast

Smack the Pony Cast

One of the new wave British comedies – the late night (and much lamented in its passing)  Smack the Pony – is an abiding favourite of mine.

It’s a BBC 4 sketch comedy production that ran between 1999 and 2003.

The title is the female equivalent of spanking the monkey.

The writers and actors include Fiona Allen, Doon Mackichan, Sarah Alexander and Sally Phillips and the role of the hapless male is usually taken by Julian Rhind -Tutt or Darren Boyd. These are wicked, wicked comedians; The humour is a crazy mix of rude, crude and dryly sophisticated humour.  A well-timed raise of the eyebrow or a non-sequitur – so often has me in stitches.

My favourite sketches include the dating agency videos, female competitiveness, the oblivious woman and the pisstakes on music videos that always end the shows.

Swimming pool clip

Bottled Water Contest

Putting on Makeup in the Car

Window Washer

Pashmina

Embarrassing Bikini Line

If huge – and I mean really huge naked breasts offend you, avoid this video clip.

They say the things that make one laugh say quite a lot about a person.  Hmmmm.

Wombat calling.

11 Tuesday Aug 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in The Other Side of the Carpark, The Public Bar

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The most baffling aspect of the wombats is the way they communicate with those that happen to share their domain. We have been here over 13 years and each time we go somewhere it involves a drive to the front gate and a laneway that have poplars growing on both sides. Perhaps two hundred in total which we planted some 12 years ago  but which have at least tenfolded in hight during that time.

The laneway is not straight and with some imagination and squinting eyes, the poplars in full leaf, the laneway  could resemble a Vermeer painting.

When we arrive at the gate,which has to be kept open by a flat piece of stone to  prevent is from swinging back, never having invested in a fancy solar powered electric motor that will open gates remotely without the need to leave the car, this flat piece of stone always has the wombat’s calling card in the shape of green almost square nuggets of shit.  Why does it do this?

Is the wombat extending a hand of friendship or is it more sinister and telling us to bugger off?

They are capable of digging enormous homes underground with large dykes around it preventing flooding during rain. The previous owners have tried by ramming old vehicles and complete bogies into the holes to try and resettle them away from fences or dams. All to no avail. They simply dig back in the same spot and the fence posts will once again be dangling in mid air and the dam will start to lose its water again. 

We have never bothered them and the numbers are now huge. At night, and with the help of a moon you can sometimes see them sauntering by on their way to matings or just to the front gate, perhaps to drop another one on the flat stone.  They also insist on doing the same on the stump that remained after we cut a tree near our house. They love to shit on elevated surfaces.

 Is it their calling card to say hello?

Boycott Gets Hung Up over O’Way

09 Sunday Aug 2009

Posted by Mark in Mark, The Sports Bar

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Tags

Ashes, Australia, cricket, Father O'Way, humor, science fiction

O'Way tells it like it is - probably

O’Way tells it like it is – probably

So it’s back to England I go, more boring cricket, so the Bish has 50 bucks riding on it just so he can do his noodle over Basil Sauce. I hop a plane to Heathrow and sit next to this sprauncy looking bloke it a jacket and tie. “Hey mate, names O’Way, Sandy O’Way who won the cricket?” “Well old chap, names Boycott, mean anything to you? Seeing you’re a simple man of the cloth it was a no result” Boycott, isn’t that what you do when you won’t buy something at the supermarket like cage eggs, “Meaningless to me Pom, boring game played by bores”

The flight was long and strangely quiet. Me mate Boycott kept looking the other way and the in-flight movie was Flight of the Living Dead, very comforting. This gave me a chance to reflect on a conversation I had with the Bish that still disturbs me. One night after dinner the Bish offers me a glass of port in the sitting room. He gets out his pipe and stuffs some stuff in it, smelt like a skunk, takes a couple of deep puffs and holds it in. “Ahhh” he exclaims as he exhales “That’s better”. He proffers the pipe in my direction “No thanks your Worship, don’t smoke”. Anyway the Bish sits down and starts talking “You know Sandy, I’ll let you in on a little secret, there’s no such creature as God” Oh for fuck sake, a Bishop who doesn’t believe in God. “No God your Worship?” “That’s right, God is an astronaut, named Gordon, Gordon O’Donnell. He’s an astrophysicist that lives in another dimension. He’s studying astrophysics at uni and he and some class mates built this large box and made it a vacuum. The box is black on the inside and the class injected a large tube of static energy in the middle, mainly hydrogen and then fired an electric impulse at the tube. A big bang happened and thus the universe as we know it was created. Gordon and his classmates have been studying it ever since.” Christ almighty, this bloke’s a raving lunatic. “Gordon comes to Earth for the beer, he said he likes the spit roast on Joon and the women on Altus 5, these are other planets in his sector that he is doing his thesis on” Beer, roast and women, starting to sound like my kinda guy. “Gordon says just play cricket and you will be accepted into the Kingdom of Heaven” Pigs Arms! Bloody cricket, takes 5 days and still no one wins.

I meet the Australian captain, Ricky Punting, at the hotel where all the players are staying. “So Ricky, the Bish wants to know what’s up?” “Nothing Father” he replies “just need a bit of fine tuning” “Hey Ricky” I ask “Why do they call you Punter?” “Bet a journo told you that one. Look Father, there’s this bookie called John” [Stop, cut, Sandy here, Hung, Hung, HUNG! I don’t like the direction this story is taking [HOO here, Sorry Sandy, dozed off, look mate it’s like this, I’m the writer and you’re the character, so bad luck, anyway it’s a tough gig being a priest] Yeah, right thanks Hung, Ricky’s about to tell me he’s as bent as a two bob watch and all you can say is it’s tough gig being a priest, you try it mate]

“So Ricky, this bookie called John?” I prompt, “Sorry Father I have no idea what you are talking about but just remember, cricket’s a funny game” Funny alright, played in bloody heaven apparently.

Cyrus – part the sixth aka Chap 3 Part 1

07 Friday Aug 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Cyrus the Great: Chronicles

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by Theseustoo

Mitridates

Mitridates

Mitradates was surprised, and not a little frightened, when he received a second summons from the palace. This time, however, it was his ‘son’ Ambares, who was the principal object of the royal summons; he himself was to accompany Ambares only in his capacity as Ambares’ ‘father’ and as such, according to Median law, he knew he might well be held responsible for his son’s behaviour. He also knew that under similar circumstances, almost any other Median father would have already given their offspring a sound thrashing with a birch rod or a leather strap, even before obeying the summons, as a practical demonstration to the king that they were not neglecting their duty to apply parental discipline; and that they were indeed doing their best to bring up their child to be a good and productive citizen.

But except for this one incident Ambares had always been so well-behaved; he was always so respectful and obedient to his elders, especially to his parents; and Mitradates and Spaco both loved him so dearly that they found they could not bring themselves to punish the child before they had heard all the details of his offence, as well as both sides of the story; for Ambares had said nothing to them.

So far, though he loved his parents dearly, he had stoutly refused to tell them the whole story, in case he made trouble for his playmates; especially for those who had helped him punish the rebellious Tembes. Even so they decided not to whip him before his appearance at court; they would wait for the king to decide the outcome of his case and to punish him if he saw fit.

So, uncertain even as to the nature of Ambares’ offence, when Mitradates received the king’s summons to attend the royal court with his son, he was more afraid for Ambares than angry at him; in spite of being also more than a little afraid for his own well-being; for their king Astyages had long been notorious for the highly imaginative cruelty with which he punished those who ever dared offend against any of his extremely harsh, and often arbitrarily-applied laws.

Indeed, Mitradates had also realised very quickly that it was potentially extremely dangerous for him to escort this child especially into the king’s presence. However, he had no choice, for a king’s summons cannot be ignored. In any case he was much more concerned for his young son than he was for himself.

As he contemplated these matters, Mitradates could not help wondering what the king would do to the boy, whom he was supposed to have killed ten years ago, if he were now to be discovered alive. Would Astyages decide to finish the job himself? Would Mitradates and his wife be held responsible? And if so, how would they be punished? He dared think no further than this, but fervently hoped that Astyages would not recognize the boy.

When they arrived at the palace gates, one of the guards escorted them into the throne room and announced them before returning smartly to his post. Overwhelmed by the immensity and great splendour of the palace, Mitradates’ fears mounted even higher as the pair waited silently for King Astyages to notice them and to deign to speak to them.

As the pair approached the throne, the monarch was speaking with the Captain of the King’s Guard, Artembares, who, like Mitradates, was also accompanied by his own son, Tembes; whose puffy red eyes still simmered with obvious resentment at the pain and humiliation he had so recently suffered. Tembes and his father both glowered at them as Mitradates and Ambares stood silently in front of the throne with their heads bowed modestly in the face of such exalted company.

Artembares clutched his son to him protectively as the fearful Tembes cowered from the sight of his adversary. At a nod from the king, Artembares now grasped his son by the shoulders and, turning Tembes’ round so both Astyages and Mitradates could see it, he pulled up his son’s tunic to reveal the wicked red welts that Ambares’ branch had left across the youth’s shoulders. To King Astyages he declared, “Thus oh king, has your slave, the son of a mere cowherd, heaped insult upon my family!”

Astyages descended from his throne to examine the cruel welts on Tembes’ pale-skinned shoulders, and then, turning round to Ambares he demanded, “Is this true?” his voice was incredulous, ”You, the son of so mean a fellow as a cowherd, dared to behave so rudely to the son of one of the highest ranked nobles in my court?”

Perhaps because he was still young and inexperienced, Ambares was nowhere near as frightened as his father. In any case he had already decided that, whatever the king might decide to do with him, he would put a brave face on it. So, with great determination, he looked his king in the eyes, and without flinching answered in a firm, strong voice, “My lord, I only treated him as he deserved.”

The king gave the youth a quizzical look which demanded further explanation; Ambares complied, “I was chosen king in play by the boys of our village,” he began, “because they thought me the best for it. He himself was one of the boys who chose me. All the others did according to my orders but he refused and made light of them, until at last he got his due reward. If for this I deserve to suffer punishment, then here I am, ready to submit to it.”

Astyages now stepped towards the youthful Ambares. He then examined the boy’s face very closely but could find no resemblance at all to Mitradates in it; and yet this face was familiar to him. Indeed he quickly realized that this boy’s face bore a striking resemblance to his own; this young lad had the same sharply angular features and the same hawk-like beak of a nose.

An almost instinctive recognition was suddenly triggered in Astyages’ mind by the natural nobility of Ambares’ reply; that and the courage he even now displayed in front of his king confirmed it; this was no son of a cowherd! And although no further proof was actually necessary, his suspicions were now further reinforced by the calm resignation he read in the youth’s features, and also by the nobility of his bearing and his remarkable self-assurance.

Instantly Astyages divined that this was not the son of Mitradates; and somehow, though he knew nothing at all of the connection between Mitradates and the grandchild he’d ordered destroyed, he nonetheless knew intuitively that this was that very grandson whom he had ordered exposed a little over ten years ago. How he had survived Astyages had no way of knowing at present, but he was determined to find out. Turning once more to the captain of his guard, Astyages said earnestly, “Artembares, I promise you, I will settle this business so that neither you nor your son shall have cause to complain. Now you may leave us…”

Artembares nodded his acquiescence and pulled his son’s shirt back down. Then, forcing his son to copy his obeisance to the king by placing his hand on his son’s head as he did so, he bowed deeply towards their king. Then the pair turned and left the room, both of them much mollified now that it appeared as if an appropriately severe punishment would be inflicted on the transgressor.

When the indignant father and his son had left the room, Astyages turned finally to Mitradates and quietly asked him,

“Where did you get this boy?”

“My lord,” Mitradates replied, hesitantly, “the lad is my own child… The mother who bore him still lives with us in my house.”

Astyages had expected the lie; he made a motion to the guards who stood on either side of the doorway as he said to the cowherd, “You are very ill-advised to bring yourself into such great trouble…”

At the king’s signal the guards stepped forward swiftly, and seized Mitradates’ arms roughly from behind; then they started to drag him away. Realising that he had been caught out in his lie, and that he was about to be dragged away to suffer the most dreadful tortures until he admitted the truth, Mitradates decided instantly that it would be better if he were to admit it now; a swift death would be preferable to a slow and agonizing one; desperately he shouted, “Wait! Forgive me Majesty, I’ll tell you the truth!”

***   *****   ***

(To be continued)

The Hermitage (with intestinal hurry)

07 Friday Aug 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in The Mens, The Public Bar

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A Super Realist view of the Hermitage

A Super Realist view of the Hermitage

The Hermitage Museum with The Winter Palace defies anything that I had seen so far. Not just the buildings but the space in front of it. The sense of what space can add to buildings in nowhere as clear as that of the Red Square in Moscow and the huge square in front of The Hermitage Museum. So, by the time you reach the front of the buildings you are already in awe of whatever there might be inside.

I suppose, this is also when you approach Sydney’s Opera House when viewed from the expanse of the Harbour.  The Hermitage Museum houses over 3.000.000 pieces dating from the Stone Age to the 20th century and presents the development of the world of culture and art throughout that period. You cannot possibly do justice in spending a few tourists’ hours but, alas, that is all we had time for.

I have always suffered from a kind of anxiety that breaks out in, what a doctor once described’ as ‘intestinal hurry’. It means that once you have ‘to go’ you have little time for contemplation or reflection. I virtually ran past dozens of Picassos and Rembrandts, even the Mona Lisa was forsaken for my urgent pursuit of a toilet, any toilet anywhere! After, what seemed like entire acres and miles of huge rooms were passed, final relief. I sighted the sign of ‘Toilets’.

At that time, this was the essence of what I needed more that all the Chagall’s or Van Gogh’s or Mondrian’s could provide me. The ‘intestinal’ hurry had well passed the critical stage of concentration on art or absorption of Stone Age culture in any shape or form. Finally, it came in sight, the toilet I mean. It was a huge toilet with dozens of cubicles where by many were visible on the ‘throne’. This is what I liked so much about Russia, the overnight sleeper train with the mixed sex compartments and now toilets with doors that many did choose not to close. There we were, all united in our common ablutional needs. Some behind, others with open doors, so many nationalities and all doing what we all do, at times.

At the corners of this huge public toilet, the obligatory ladies sitting on their chairs made the experience memorable as much as Rembrandts ‘The Prodigal Son’ which I still had time for to visit afterwards.

“The Prodigal Son” was surrounded by dozens if not hundreds of viewers and one could only wait and shuffle towards it whenever a space became vacant. Oddly there were no catalogues in English available. I came within about four metres of The Prodigal Son and I was sure that when I finally tore myself away that his eyes  continued to follow me. This is of course always proof of great art!

The collection and size of the gallery means that some tourists get so lost in time and space that buses have been known to leave without some and the lost souls then have to somehow find their own way back to hotel. It would take at least 4 or 5 days to just see the essence of what The Hermitage holds and the few hours that we spent there were totally inadequate, even so it afforded me to at least the opportunity to have seen some of it.

I must say, that many times I have returned there, even though just in my mind’s eye.  In getting older or better to say ‘old’, a reflective mind’s eye is better than an unreflective and boisterous blind eye.

* Conditions Apply

06 Thursday Aug 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in The Public Bar

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Jetstar Plane on its way to Bali to pick up stranded passengers

Jetstar Plane on its way to Bali to pick up stranded passengers**

As Mike tidies up the final preparations for the Eurotrip, he reflects on how not dodgy, not underhanded and downright not unethical the travel industry and carriers have become.

On the front page of Tuesday’s SMH (Tuesday 4th August 2009), there’s a footer advertisement for Jetstar’s Sale – Bali – Denpasar for $779.  But that’s not the $799 that you fork out, it’s the one with the asterisk.  It’s $779*.  So, keen on getting into the richness of this offering from Jetstar, he pulled out his Mike-O’scope and read on.

It turns out that it’s a one way ticket.  Hmmmn. Helpful.  So the immediate question is “how much is a return ticket ?”.  Well, you could phone up to find that out.

But wait !  The fine print says that if you make a booking over the telephone, it’s an extra $25*.

And did I mention that you can’t travel on just any old day.  There are three prohibited periods – nicely cutting out holidays and schoolies peak travel – and leaving you the freedom to go to Bali when the monsoon is on.  Thoughtful !

I know how you like flexibility to deal with life’s little inconveniences – like dealing with Swine Flu or recovering from Shingles or motorcycle accidents, and I’ll bet that you’re mightily relieved to learn that changes to the ticketing ARE permitted and that Sale fares are refundable.  Of course, being a reasonable person (as all our readers are. hahahha) you won’t mind learning that charges will apply.

Of course, these are not stated, but you will trust that they’re not punitive – like the difference between this asterisk sale price and full fare.

And when you might want to rebook, the generous $779* fare might not be available.  AT least you were told – provided that you have a Mike O’scope.

If the Australian government travel advisory says it’s OK then rush right in and book.  And if they change their mind because of a little spot of terrorism, and you’ve already taken up Jetstar’s generous asterix offer, then it’s f&ck you, Charlie !

So $799* might be a great deal – except that you can get to Europe one way for $760*.  But  a lot will depend on the cost of the Euro asterisk.  Bring your own oxygen, perhaps ?  Only 47 stopovers and 3 legs with Trans Yak Airways.

Mike needed to book a flight from Heathrow to Belfast.  Great Internet deal !  The fare is only £12.95 !  Plus £33 for taxes and surcharges.  Plus £8 for his bag weighing less than 20 kilos.  Plus £4 or choosing a seat ! Plus £3 for using a credit card – interesting when there’s no other way to pay.   Total cost for a £12.95 ticket ?  A$129.  Need a new currency converter that builds in a rip-off automatically ?  Sure do !

* There’s the little added thing of shelling out $5 for a credit card usage.  And the alternative way of paying over the internet to avoid the $25 phone call surcharge might be ?

** Read about the 300 or so Jetstar passengers who got stuck in Bali here ……

http://images.google.com.au/imgres?imgurl=http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/200703/r132131_440038.jpg&imgrefurl=http://www.abc.net.au/news/stories/2007/07/23/1986185.htm%3Fsection%3Dbusiness&usg=__cT0UpOIvLseWk1vRD8ljfWzARZE=&h=562&w=840&sz=67&hl=en&start=4&tbnid=_jSAAbjFfFC7oM:&tbnh=97&tbnw=145&prev=/images%3Fq%3Djetstar%2Bplane%26gbv%3D2%26hl%3Den

GM Virus Grows Wires

05 Wednesday Aug 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Politics in the Pig's Arms

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…. by  Madeleine Love

But is it safe for the children? she cried.

Don’t know… can’t stop industry, old chap.

Can’t bind them up with shackles.

Regulate?  Heresy!

Tantamount to putting the brakes on profits!

It would amount to a trade barrier

Singing…

Simulated Nano Gizmo

Simulated Nano Gizmo

I read the news today oh boy

It was about nanotechnology

And though the bits were rather small

They had to count them all

State of the World 2006…

“The U.S. government’s National Nanotechnology Initiative (NNI) has spent over $5 billion on nanotech R&D since 2001, making it the biggest publicly funded science endeavour since the Apollo moon shot.”

“The U.S Department of defense has received a greater share of nanotech R&D funds than any other federal agency.”

“The U.S government’s 2006 nanotech budget requests $38.5 million for environmental, health, and safety research on nano-materials – less than 4 percent of the [NNI’s] total budget.”

Nano-biotechnology:  “Angela Belcher, a material scientist at MIT, has genetically engineered the DNA of viruses, inducing them to grow tiny inorganic wires with magnetic and semiconducting properties that may someday provide circuitry in high-speed electronic components.”

Or not.

“Though nanotechnology is sometimes hyped to the hilt, it is no joke and its societal impacts will indeed be titanic.”

“Journey into the Nano-World”  [Australian Government, CSIRO, AccessNano]

  • Anti-odour socks
  • UV-blocking invisible sunscreen
  • Self-cleaning dog bed
  • Anti-fungal gym towel
  • Pencils filled with nanocapsules of fragrance that pop as you write, releasing sweet smells
  • Ultra-light tennis racquets
  • Fridges that fight off bacteria and bad smells
  • New ways of saving water
  • Enviro-friendly ways of producing energy and power
  • Reduce our reliance on raw materials
  • Reduce our energy use
  • Clean our water supplies
  • Computers accessible to more people
  • Increase our medical options
  • A lot easier to keep your house warm
  • No more toxic mercury in lighting systems
  • Mind-blowingly powerful computing
  • Toxic cleanups
  • Medical nano-miracles
  • People who find themselves in wheelchairs due to spinal injuries may soon have a good chance of walking again.
  • Nano-ships containing cancer-fighting drugs through the bloodstream
  • Metal with a memory
  • Artificial muscles
  • Artificial limbs
  • Exoskeletons for astronauts and soldiers
  • Robots that can keep going and going… and going.
  • Artificial skins for aeroplane wings and wind turbine blades
  • What’s for lunch?
  • Nutritional additives
  • Smart packaging avoid refrigerators

“Be an informed citizen

If you wish to take part in public discussions on nanotechnology, it’s important to be informed.  Understanding the risks and benefits of any technology helps you make better choices about how it may be useful.”

Risks?  Why include such a word in an Australian Office of Nanotechnology document?

Back page, small box:  “In Australia, we have regulations that cover the different uses of nanotechnology to ensure it is safe for humans and the environment.”

All the benefits will be yours, and you don’t need to look into this tricky stuff, because we’ll look after the risks for you.

The Wet Look Suits Father O’Way

05 Wednesday Aug 2009

Posted by Mark in Mark, The Sports Bar

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Tags

Australia, Father O'Way, humor, science fiction

Father O'Way checks out one of the ultra slippery suits

Father O’Way checks out one of the ultra slippery suits

Yeah, alright, so I managed to weasel my way out of the Café Boy DeBoy in Paris full of lycra clad, er, um, men and jump a cab to the airport when guess who rings, yep, the Bish. “Sandy, get to Rome and find out what happened to our swimmers” “But Bish I wanna come home and swimming makes cycling look interesting” “Just do it. Get back to me fast and then head to bloody Eggbaskekton to find out what Ricky is doing with our boys, haven’t won a test yet and I have $50 riding on it with your old mate Pastor Sauce.” Jesus Christ, a Trotters or two would go down well at the moment.

Flying to Rome I’m seated next to some bloke called the Dalai Lama, Geez, slumming it or what. I tell him I’m off to Rome and while there I’ll drop in and see my old mate, John Paul at the Vat. This joker tells me John Paul died and that I should keep abreast of current events. A breast, breasts, yeah I like a good pair, [Stop it, cut, HOO here, Sandy, now enough of that or I’ll have to give you a spanking, a really good spanking, [[Stop it, cut, Emmjay here, just keep Sandy on track HOO, I want to know about the swimmers] Bloody hell, okay then Emm]

I head to Foro Italico for an interview with Liberty Trickerty, the famous Aussie swimmer. “Tell me Lib, what went wrong?” “Well Father” she says “ All the other teams had superior swim wear, you know the suits and my suit just wasn’t good enough”, hmmm I think, so its what suits is it “ See Father my contract with my current sponsor runs out next month and I have a new sponsor on the horizon” “Now who might that be?” I enquire, “Well Father it’s Honda”. Taken by surprise I choke on my short black, Lib smacks me on the back, I’m aghast, “Honda” I finally say “But they make cars and engines”, “Exactly Father, very fast engines” gloats Lib “I’ve signed up for the BC100, I’m gunna win big, make lots of money”. Well stone the crows, I’m short for words, my mind is racing “The BC100?”, “Yes Father the Body Cavity 100cc Honda two stroke, fuel injected, electronic ignition, marine engine, good to 100 metres below, beautiful, hey Father. The only thing is, you know in swimming when you do the roll at the end of each lap it lets out this big noise, like a giant fart but I have a medical certificate from my GP, Dr Julius Strangepork stating I have uncontrollable flatulence”

“But Libby, dear, where do you actually put it?” “Oh Father, you’re a man of the world, can’t you think of any body cavities?” she grins knowingly [Stop, cut, HOO here, Sandy, enough, I’ll get into trouble with Emmjay] “Well I can imagine my dear” I mutter, salivating at the very thought, “Don’t worry Father, I’ll hide it under my suit and I steer it with my butt cheeks” [Stop, cut, HOO here, Sandy don’t even go there[[ Emm here, I’m with HOO]] “Bless you my child, I’ll say a special prayer for you to Gordon”

Cyrus Part the fifth….

05 Wednesday Aug 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Cyrus the Great: Chronicles

≈ Leave a comment

By Theseustoo aka astyages

Merodach Baladan

Merodach Baladan

A few weeks later Mandane went into labour; it was not an easy birth. Even from his own personal quarters, Astyages could hear his daughter’s screams of pain as she fought to bring her child into the world. And while he waited for his grandchild to be born, Astyages threw an offering of incense onto a small brazier which stood in front of a statue of the god Merodach, which formed the central feature of a small shrine the king kept for private worship in his chamber. As the dark, sweetly scented smoke rose heavenward from the burning frankincense, the king lifted his eyes towards heaven and prayed fervently:

“Ea! Enlil! Merodach, and all you gods in Heaven! Hear my prayer; I do not wish to kill my daughter’s child; therefore let it be a girl and no threat to me. Thus may I hope to keep both my kingdom and my daughter’s love.”

He kept mentally repeating his prayer over and over again to himself as he listened intently to his daughter’s screams echoing throughout the palace. Finally the monarch heard the unmistakeable sound of a baby’s first cries as it greeted the new world in which it now found itself. Astyages poured himself a large goblet of wine and drank deeply. After a few minutes, Harpagus entered the chamber, carrying with him Mandane’s newborn baby, wrapped in swaddling clothes.

Astyages looked heavenward again, but this time there was not devotion, but rather a look of recrimination on his face. Though he knew the answer even before he asked, the question came unbidden to his lips anyway.

“Well Harpagus? What news?” he asked, terrified of the answer he already knew, as, with great sadness in his voice, Harpagus replied, “It is a boy my Lord…”

Astyages let out a deep sigh and said, “Harpagus, you must now do exactly as I say…” The servant nodded as his king continued, “I beseech you do not betray the interests of your lord for anyone else’s sake, lest you bring destruction on your own head. Take Mandane’s child; carry him with you to your home and slay him there. Then bury him as you will.”

Though horrified to hear it, Harpagus had been more than half-expecting this command and had prepared himself for it. He replied in a voice which, he fervently hoped, displayed more firmness of purpose than he actually felt, “Oh! My king; never in the past have I disobeyed you in anything, and you may be sure that I never will; if it is your will that this thing be done, rest assured that I will serve you with all diligence.”

Relieved only slightly by his servant’s apparent readiness to obey him, even in such a horrifying matter as this, the desolate Astyages now addressed the newly-born infant in Harpagus’ arms and, while silent tears began to roll down his craggy face, he said gently, “Forgive me my grandson; but I cannot allow you to bring upon me the ruin of which the gods have warned me in my dreams…”

Astyages

Astyages

With a curt nod Astyages dismissed his servant. Harpagus bowed silently, turned and left, gently carrying the helpless infant with him as he went; hoping desperately that nothing in either the expression on his face nor his bodily demeanour revealed anything of the turmoil which now churned inside him at having to perform such a task as this. But hiding his feelings was something Harpagus was very good at; for, as the king’s minister he had frequently been obliged to hide his own distaste and personal displeasure at some of the things his king had made him do.

***   *****   ***

Harpagus’ wife greeted him sleepily at the door when he returned home, even though it was in the early hours of the morning. Dutifully she had waited up for her husband’s later than usual return.

“Welcome home, husband!” She greeted him cheerfully; then, catching sight of the bundle he carried in his arms, she inquired, “Well then, what is this bundle you have brought with you?”

Harpagus said nothing but carried the bundle indoors and laid it on a table; as he did so his wife noticed the doleful expression on his face; alarmed, she exclaimed, “But you look so sad! Husband, won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

In tones of infinite sadness, Harpagus replied in a whisper,

“My wife, you must tell no-one of this; this is the grandchild of our King, Astyages… I have been ordered by him to kill this child and bury him as I see fit; I cannot disobey my king.”

The look of absolute shock on her face revealed the horror Harpagus’ wife felt at this revelation as she asked him, “But what will you do?”

Harpagus sighed deeply; all the way home he had been asking himself exactly the same question; he had still found no answer. Yet with growing determination he replied, “Not what Astyages wants me to! No! Even if he were much madder and more frantic than he is now, I will not be the man to do his will, nor lend a hand to such a murder as this!”

He paused for a while; then, searching for a reason to justify his rebellion – to himself more than anyone else – he continued, “Many things forbid me from slaying him. For a start, this child is my own kith and kin;” this was quite true; though the relationship was not exactly a close one, thought his wife, as Harpagus went on, “and Astyages is old, and has no son… If, when he dies, the crown should go to his daughter, whose child he now wishes to slay by my hand, what remains for me but the most fearful danger? For my own safety’s sake, indeed the child must die; but someone belonging to Astyages must take his life, not I or mine.”

As Harpagus was explaining his woeful predicament, his wife brought him a plate with some flat bread and cold meat and a few figs for his supper, with a large goblet of wine to wash it down. As he ate, the couple turned their minds to the problem in hand; it seemed such a pity that such an innocent creature as this babe should have to die. Yet there was no way out of this terrible situation; if the child did not die, they knew that Harpagus would probably be killed in his stead; what else could Astyages’ pointed warning to Harpagus not to risk bringing destruction down on his own head, possibly have meant?

After giving the matter a great deal of thought, Harpagus’ wife eventually spoke, “There is a herdsman I know of who belongs to Astyages’ household, who lives in the mountains. Perhaps you should send for him to take the child and have him expose it on the mountainside where many wild beasts roam?”

“An excellent suggestion, wife…” Harpagus replied with a heavy sigh; sad though it was, at least he would not have the child’s blood-guilt on his hands, “Have one of the servants fetch him to me at once.”

***   *****   ***

(to be continued…)

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