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Digital Skullduggery by Warrigal
Gordon leads us out of the pub and down a small alleyway. We come to a door. Over the doorway is a sign “FARTS ROOM”. Gordon slides a card through the scanner and we enter. It hits me like a ton of bricks. We are in some sort of control room. We are IN space. The Earth is receding behind us and we are closing in on the moon. Wow, this is for real. My heart is racing and even Belinda, who has been as solid as a rock, is squeezing my hand hard.
“Yes, we are in space, different isn’t it?” says Gordon who has a cheeky grin on his face. “FART, this is Sandy and Belinda. They are off into space shortly so they will be calling on you” Gordon relates. “Afternoon Father, Miss Belinda” “Afternoon” we mutter nervously. “Look Gordon, can we call the FART by name? FART is a quasi-offensive term on Earth” “Certainly” Gordon says “What name would you like?” “I am model Vee.1.1.1 if that helps” interjects FART, “Lets see,” says Belinda “VIII, how about Henry as in Henry VIII?” “Certainly” says FART “Reprogramming, Central Computer Catherine, recognize FART as Henry, confirmed” reports FART. “Dead slow to the moon” Gordon commands. “Yes boss” replies Henry.
“So when you need to see Henry, come down the alleyway. Here’s your cards, these will get you anywhere on the ship”. Gordon hands Belinda and me a credit card each. “If you need to buy anything just use the card. It’s attached to my account.” “So Gordon when I get to these places you want me to go, how do I communicate with whomever I meet, won’t they have their own languages?” I ask. “Well sort of but don’t worry, everyone will speak English” “English? In the universe?” I gasp. “Yes, Sandy, English. I taught them English when I taught them cricket” Gordon replies. “So Gordon, what about your world, your dimension? Are you God? Did you create the universe? Are you a human? Do you speak English on your world?” “Sandy, Sandy, Sandy. Okay, look you’re right, I haven’t told you much about that part have I?” Gordon responds. “Okay, so let’s see. No, I’m not God as you know it. I’m a uni student who with a bunch of my class mates created the universe. The universe is in a black box at the back of the science lab for Astrophysics 101. I’m studying for a degree and my thesis is on Cricket in the Milky Way. Our sun is called Star T, our planet is Meup and I live on an island called Never Stop. Our capital is Running Hot and the major river is named Grown Men Cry. We use vehicles that ride the wind at double speed but believe me I’ll show you places that you’ve never never seen”.
“Hang on a minute, Star T, Meup, Never Stop, Grown Man Cry, isn’t that a Rolling Stones song?” I press annoyed that someone might be having a lend of me. “Well, I ran into Mick, we had a few drinks, back to his house for a jam, told him my story, next thing I know he’s got a number one hit, sheez, you just can’t trust some people.” Gordon bemoans. “Anyway, that’s enough about me, so will you do this trip?” I look to Belinda and I can see that glint in her eyes that tells me that I had better or else. “Yes Gordon” I surrender “We’ll do the trip. So where do we go?” “Good man Sandy, I knew you were up to it. Okay so take this, it’s the equivalent to an intergalactic mobile phone. First destination is Joon. The Bilbobs are playing the Aryans in the one day final. I’ll phone you with the next stop later. Keep and eye on the opener, Zim Away, promising young player, should be a great match, Earth thanks Henry” “Earth, dead slow Boss” says Henry.
Mirriyuula said:
Tell me Hung, while we’re on the subject of acronyms; Was the FART system invented and initially encoded by The Hereditary Union of Non-specific Deities Against Barbarocratic Omphalopsychitic Xenophobia?
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Hung One On said:
Gee Waz, all dem big words but no I don’t think so. It was created by Hung’s alter ego, whatever his name is
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Hung One On said:
Looks like a half century approaches
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H said:
Welcome back to Pigs Arms, Jayell. The Piglets have missed you.
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H said:
I watched Jennifer Byrne’s Book Club, and I now feel like a five year old;
I can’t help but she has that effect on me. So it was back to nursery for me.
The Engineer
Let it rain!
Who cares?
I’ve a train
Upstairs,
With a brake
Which I make
From a string
Sort of thing,
Which works
In jerks,
‘Cos it drops
In the spring,
Which stops
With the string,
And the wheels
All stick
So quick
That it feels
Like a thing
That you make
With a brake,
Not string….
So that’s what I make,
When the day’s all wet.
It’s a good sort of brake
But it hasn’t worked yet.
We had some good rains here this afternoon, therefore I ended up watching Jenny’s Book club.
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gerard oosterman said:
Encore:
Said the pieman to simple Simon
“Show me first your penny”,
said simple Simon to the pieman,
“of that I haven’t got any”.
A kind of hardness had crept into the pieman. Pity!
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Warrigal said:
My name is Jack and I live in the back of the Greta Garbo home
with friends I will remember wherever I may roam
And my name is Jack and I live in the back
of the Greta Garbo home for wayward boys and girls
we all love Jack ,we live in the back
of the Greta Garbo home for wayward boys and girls
There goes Fred with his hands on his head cause he thinks he’s heard the bomb
and here comes Superman who really puts it on
there’s lots of fun and I love to run up and down the stairs
I make as much noise as I want and no one ever cares
And my name is Jack and I live in the back
of the Greta Garbo home for wayward boys and girls
we all love Jack ,we live in the back
of the Greta Garbo home for wayward boys and girls
There’s Carl over there with his funny old hair and he’s never sad at all
and when he I grow up I want to run as fast as my friend Paul
there’s the prettiest girl in the whole wide world and her name is Melody Mend
and here comes ma with brother Tom who’s probably my best friend
well ,Tom is my best friend ,my best friend ,well ,Tom is my best friend
And my name is Jack and I live in the back
of the Greta Garbo home for wayward boys and girls
we all love Jack ,we live in the back
of the Greta Garbo home for wayward boys and girls
My name is Jack and I live in the back of the grand’a Garbo home
(we all love Jack) and I live in the back (we live in the back)
in the back of the Greta Garbo home for wayward boys and girls
and my name is Jack (we all love Jack) and I live in the back (we live in the back)
in the back of the Greta Garbo home for wayward boys and girls
My name is Jack and I live in the back
my name is Jack and I live in the back …….
Fairbridge was never like this!
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H said:
Greta Garbo House is an unusual name for a home for wayward boys and girls… nice tho.
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Mirriyuula said:
Its for children that “vant to be left alone”.
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Hung One On said:
This song was always on the radio when I was a kid
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H said:
Like Greta Garbo, most kids ‘vant’ to be left alone…
Our Jak and Tom slept on the balcony behind a vinyl ‘blind’ under warm doonas and all lights had to be turned off. On the third night they let the oldest dog to share their camping bed…
These days kids are not left alone much. Thank god I was a kid when healthy neglect was still OK.
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astyages said:
I remember that song Warrigal! But for the life of me I can’t remember who played it… I wonder if I can find the chords to it…
🙂
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Algernon said:
Manfred Mann, played this one. astyages.
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astyages said:
Really? A remarkable change of tone from their famous version of ‘House of the Rising Sun”, isn’t it?
I remember Joe Brown and the Bruvvers too:
“Wouldn’t it be nice to get on wiv me neighbours?
But they make it very clear they’ve got no room for ravers!
Lazy Sunday afternoon, I’ve got no time to worry!
Close my eyes and drift away!”
Or something like that…
😉
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Hung One On said:
Another good song asty
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Jayell said:
You mean Eric Burden- Surely T&Asty too.
House of, I mean!
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Algernon said:
Found this clip of Manfred Mann playing this on Top of the Pops in 1968. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0pbuWH3Qzx4. Looks suspiciously like they’re ar all playing ornamental instruments and maybe lipsyncing.
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Jayell said:
Just watched that! Brought tears to me old mince pies.
I wonder what happened to Paul Jones?
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Jayell said:
I can’t get used to posting on Queensland time- and seeing it appear on NSW time.
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astyages said:
You’re quite right, of course, Jayell… I can’t think how many times I’ve mixed up these two bands… dunno why…
🙂
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astyages said:
Algernon, I’d be very surprised if on ‘Top of the Pops’ in 1968, the bands WEREN’T lip-synching… Do you remember the fantastic clip of the Boomtown Rats ‘I Don’t Like Mondays’ with a wonderful ‘saxophone solo’ played by Sir Bob himself on.. a CANDELABRA! I’m quite sure this was his attempt to let his fans know that he was most certainly not playing the solo and that he didn’t like or approve of the deception.
But when bands started lip-synching on ‘The Old Grey Whistle Test’, now THAT worried me!
🙂
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Algernon said:
Agreed asty. Its interesing how some of these punk/new wave tunes went onto become anthems of the period. London Calling by The Clash was a protest against Thatcher. Nowadays its mainstream.
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Algernon said:
Jayell, if you want a real nostagia trip have a bo peep a this one. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xnQFmvICP_0&feature=related.
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Jayell said:
Actually that was interesting Algernon (wasn’t he Biggles’ mate?), especially as it showed a changing collage of other entertainers, while the song was playing.
In fact I spotted The Everly Bros; great favorites of mine- and the original Fleetwood Mac.
I am a touch older than you, so of course the songs and clips evoke a different memory. Clubs and girls….oh those wonderful elusive creatures.
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Algernon said:
Yes Algernon was Biggles mate, well cousin I think. As regards that I liked it for that reason. I was quite a fan on music of the 60’s particularly femail performers and bands. Interesting though I noted that Manfred Mann only made one entry and that towards the end. Clubs, well I was a member at The Camden Palace once. That was a little while ago.
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astyages said:
My favorite ‘Biggles’ book was the final one, “Biggles Flies Undone!”
😉
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Algernon said:
I’m a big fan of “Biggles Combs his Hair.”!
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Jayell said:
I used to devour all of The Biggles books.
By the bye, I have been to Camden Palace a few times.
I was involved in two clubs in London. We had Supertramp, Hot chocolate and loads of bands.
I’ll write about it one day, Algernon.
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Algernon said:
A Windmill In Old Amsterdam
A mouse lived in a windmill in old Amsterdam
A windmill with a mouse in and he wasn’t grousin’
He sang every morning, “How lucky I am,
Living in a windmill in old Amsterdam!”
Chorus:
I saw a mouse!
Where?
There on the stair!
Where on the stair?
Right there!
A little mouse with clogs on
Well I declare!
Going clip-clippety-clop on the stair
Oh yeah
This mouse he got lonesome, he took him a wife
A windmill with mice in, it’s hardly surprisin’
She sang every morning, “How lucky I am,
Living in a windmill in old Amsterdam!”
Chorus
First they had triplets and then they had quins
A windmill with quins in, and triplets and twins in
They sang every morning, “How lucky we are
Living in a windmill in Amsterdam, ya!”
Chorus
The daughters got married and so did the sons
The windmill had christ’nin’s when no one was list’nin’
They all sang in chorus, “How lucky we am
Living in a windmill in old Amsterdam!”
Chorus
A mouse lived in a windmill, so snug and so nice
There’s nobody there now but a whole lot of mice.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2fg7w49UnGA is worth a look for its excellent production quality.
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H said:
Oh, I so love those old houses in Amsterdam, the cute little shops and the comfy cane chairs in the coffee houses; so I don’t even mind the mice…(mouses would go better with the houses)
Not to forget the first spring herrings with onions. The poffertjes I rather forget..
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astyages said:
Do you remember ‘Sparky’s Magic Piano’ Helvi?
I think it was probably the very first popular recording use of ‘voice-box’ technology… long before Cher (wonder why she always used the ‘masculine’ form of this French word?) used it so the piano notes could keep her in tune!
😉
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astyages said:
I always loved that song as a nipper, too, Algernon… and the ‘Little White Bull’ too… and who could ever forget Burl Ives version of “The Big Rock Candy Mountain”?
Don’t suppose you have the chords for this one?
Still a kid at heart!
😉
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Hung One On said:
Gee asty, wouldn’t wanna say that after a few Trotters
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Algernon said:
Found a clip on youtube for this one. Tommy Steele looked as though he was straight out of the ’80, then I noticed the clip was dated 1959. Couldn’t work why all the children were holding black bulls and Tommy a white one.
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astyages said:
Crikey, Algie, I was all of FOUR years old back then! And now that I come to think about the lyrics, I realize that it was just more western warmongering propaganda; the song is all about encouraging toddlers to want to be big and brave like all those black bulls who fought in the arena… surely a disguised ad designed to cultivate a preliminal predisposition to want to join the army… Decided I don’t like this song any more at all!
🙂
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astyages said:
When stuff like this happens, I can’t help but be reminded of George Orwell’s, “Coming Up for Air”… I know just how he felt when he wrote it!
😉
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Algernon said:
I was in nappies myself asty being a couple of of weeks shy of 51. I thought it interesting looking at the kids most who would be in their late 50’s or early 60’s. The fascist propoganda did cros my mind afterwards.
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Jayell said:
And well dung Hung!
I have been reading , if not writing.
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Hung One On said:
Thanks old chap, still working for her majesty?
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Algernon said:
Doesn’t look much of a cricket pitch Hung. I can just see the balls swinging a long way down the leg side. The aliens look huge.
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Hung One On said:
One of the big disappointments of the shorter forms of the game is no leg side bowling. Makes us bowlers a bit predictable.
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atomou said:
And I ain’t about to ask what a leg side bowling is!
You guys have a lingo all of your own! A lingo no linguist could ever figure out. How did you get that linguistically anarchic?
Bowlers predictable? The whole bloody game is predictable! Someone tosses his bowels at someone and then the other one hits it hard and everyone claps the brilliant bowel movement!
Pffft!
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Hung One On said:
Beloved boredom ato I guess.
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atomou said:
Watch it Hung! You’re starring in my next episode!
(And that’s how bored I can get!)
I’ll get back to my “pin the tail on the donkey” game now.
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Hung One On said:
Ευχαριστίες για τον καλό Sir γέλιου
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atomou said:
Somebody ought to take Google translation machines to the Hague for committing attrocious torture upon languages!
Watch it, Hung, I’ll spell your name in Greek!
Χανγκ!
There, I’ve done it!
(And that’s how bored I can get!)
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Hung One On said:
I think I said “Thanks for the laugh kind sir”. How did it come out?
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atomou said:
“Thanks for the good of your laughter, sir.”
They say that WWI was caused simply because someone interpreted someone else’s words badly. Wouldn’t surprise me at all.
I did an interminable stint as an interpreter way back then. All sorts of places, from hospitals to lawyers’ chambers to courts, to lecture theatres and I can assure you, the pressure is bloody laser-like in its intensity. I was stopped on a number of occasions by the opposing lawyer to argue about my interpretation. Always won, of course but you do get wobbly knees, that’s fer sure!
Interestingly, now that I remember, some judges would not even listen to us (me and the opposing lawyer). They just wanted us to get on with it, which I found rather peculiar, if not downright negligent.
Lots of good money but your brain sure earned it!
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Hung One On said:
Gee ato, sounds like you have had some interesting work. So my greek name is Changk according to the babelfish website. Better to stick to my poor english from now on.
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atomou said:
Na, send the bebelfish to the Hague as well. It’s what might be called a soft H, as in Helvi and “how do you do?”
Oh, yeah! I had a dazzling life, Hung. Still do… sorta. Sometimes I manage to pin the tail just where donkeys usually do have them!
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Algernon said:
So It could be somewhere in South Africa then, Hung.
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Hung One On said:
Could be or maybe its in outer space
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astyages said:
“Leg side bowling”, Hung? What about those of us who have legs on BOTH sides?!
🙂
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Algernon said:
Alpha Centauri perhaps.
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Warrigal said:
I’m Henry the eighth I am,
Henry the eighth I am I am,
I got married to the widow next door,
She’s been married seven times before,
And everyone was a Henry (Henry),
She wouldn’t have a Willie or a Sam (no sam)
I’m her eighth old man, I’m Henry,
Henry the eighth I am
Second verse, same as the first
I’m Henry the eighth I am,
Henry the eighth I am I am,
I got married to the widow next door,
She’s been married seven times before,
And everyone was a Henry (Henry),
She wouldn’t have a Willie or a Sam (no sam)
I’m her eighth old man, I’m Henry,
Henry the eighth I am
(shouts)
(guitar solo)
I’m Henry the eighth I am,
Henry the eighth I am I am,
I got married to the widow next door,
She’s been married seven times before,
And everyone was a Henry (Henry),
She wouldn’t have a Willie or a Sam (no sam)
I’m her eighth old man, I’m Henry,
Henry the eighth I am
H-E-N-R-Y
Henry (Henry), Henry (Henry)
Henry the eighth I am I am,
Henry the eighth I am
Not exactly lyrically complex but it always gives me a smile.
Keep it up Hungulator!
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atomou said:
Et maintenant pour autre chose!
Je suis Henry le huitième je suis,
Henry le huitième je suis je suis,
Je me suis marié avec la veuve à côté,
Elle a été mariée sept fois auparavant,
Et chacun était Henry (Henry),
Elle n’aurait de Willie ou Sam (aucun sam)
Je suis son huitième vieil homme, je suis Henry,
Henry le huitième je suis
Le deuxième vers, même comme le premier
Je suis Henry le huitième je suis,
Henry le huitième que je suis je suis,
Je me suis marié avec la veuve à côté,
Elle a été mariée sept fois auparavant,
Et chacun était Henry (Henry),
Elle n’aurait de Willie ou Sam (aucun sam)
Je suis son huitième vieil homme, je suis Henry,
Henry le huitième je suis
(cris)
Oui! Oui! Oui!
(solo de guitare)
Je suis Henry le huitième que je suis,
Henry le huitième que je suis je suis,
Je me suis marié avec la veuve à côté,
Elle a été mariée sept fois auparavant,
Et chacun était Henry (Henry),
Elle n’aurait de Willie ou Sam (aucun sam)
Je suis son huitième vieil homme, je suis Henry,
Henry le huitième je suis
H-E-N-R-Y
Henry (Henry), Henry (Henry)
Henry le huitième que je suis je suis,
Henry le huitième je suis
(cris)
Oui!
Oui!
Oui!
J’aime vous tous parce que je suis George le grec l’ ancien!
Preparing a BBQ for a herd of relos! Oolallallallalla!
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Jayell said:
Well done Atomou,
Warrigal’s version takes me back to Joe Brown and his group, The Bruvvers.
He was a cockney with a cheeky demeanor and notched up a couple of popular hits in the early sixties.
Not a great musician, but part of Swinging London and the UK pop culture explosion.
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Voix said:
Le singe est sur la branche.
Le chat est sur la chaise.
Voix marche sur des œufs.
Henry huit s’est marié avec la femme d’à côté.
Elle n’a pas voulu de Willie ou de Sam.
La deuxième strophe est comme la première. (La duexième vers est “Henri huit, je suis, je suis.”)
Maintenant, je me tiens cachée en dessous de la table.
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Mirriyuula said:
Try applying a cockney accent to your French language version Mou. Its a real tongue twister.
Joe Brown and The Bruvvers. I remember them. Joe was a sort of hipper Tommy Steele wasn’t he? Sort of Petula Clarke with a touch of Hermans Hermits, coming out of skiffle and the british folk tradition.
For the youngsters, his daughter is singer Sam Brown.
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Emmjay said:
Voix, I’m feeling more and more culpa for Eddie Izzard….. le singe indeed est sur la branche certainment.
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Jayell said:
Yes, I recall that now, although I am not familiar with Sam’ music.
I can remember being in a band at school- I banged the drums- and we (the band) emulated Manfred Mann and The Rolling Stones. We had a bass made with a broom and string, held on top of a tea chest . You must remember those old thin plywood boxes.
The notes could be varied by changing the tension on the string.
I still have an old photo somewhere circa 1961/2, with me on the bongos and Naan (nickname cos of his nose) on the maracas.
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atomou said:
Pour notre Voix:
Une moment vous marchez sur des oeufs
Et le suivant vous êtes sous la table!
Je poser une question pour vous, mon chéri:
Mais pourquoi?
Henry frappe-t-il à votre porte?
Ou êtes-vous ivres?
Je suis déconcerté!
Devrais-je m’appeler Zeus pour vous, mon chéri?
Alas, o, alas! Pauvre moi!
Je ne peux pas faire ma poésie française aux vers!
Alas, o, alas!
Pauvre moi!
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Voix said:
ato:
That’s ma chère to you mate. As to why I was walking on eggshells and then hiding under the table; it was in deference to your feelings. Of course you were always more likely to beat yourself up than to beat me up.
Emmjay:
But, mon vieux, I find that working within that framework appeals enormously to my (self-deprecatory but hopefully not totally opaque) sense of humour. Also in this case I hoped some borrowed humour might leave ato in a more amiable frame of mind since he’s seen the clips.
Does culpa imply the result is bad? I was feeling rather fond of it.
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atomou said:
Hehehe! mon, ma! It was ever thus with moi! I’d get almsot every question in the exam right but I’d stuff up the gender of the possessives!
Pardonnez-moi s’il vous plaît.
I don’t understand all this culpa stuff either, Voice. I enjoyed Izzard’s clips. He’s a stand up comedian and so belittled the Great, Awesome, Immortal, Stunning characters of Greek mythology. Why would that make me lose my equanimity even for a second? It’s simple. The next time I see him, I squeeze his dumb head!
No, really I thought he did a good spiel on them. I don’t know how he could remember al that stuff, let alone make them funny.
“How many ships?”
“All of them!”
Classic! Glad you pointed him out to me, Emmjo!
Have a nice week, ye all!
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Voix said:
On peut se tutoyer, ato? After all, you were practically calling me chérie not long ago (mais ne t’inquiète pas, I knew you meant chère).
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Manuel said:
Je t’aime Vwuh.
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Voix said:
That’s only natural ManJL. But my life will not be worth living if Madeleine finds out so please try to keep it under control.
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astyages said:
Sorry ato, but it just doesn’t sound the same in French… it seems to lose something in translation…
😉
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atomou said:
I sort of Greekified it, asty!
All those, “ouis!” I was imagining some plate smashing! Perhaps I should have used the name George, or even better still, Philip! Louis Quatorzième? Louis le Fainéant?
Charles le Simple?
But I did warn you: It was something different!
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astyages said:
Only Hung could call a fart Henry! Hilarious, Hung!
😉
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