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Digital Lunacy by Warrigal
So here we are in the control room of a spaceship called the SHITS 38B, B being for Biosphere. We have just whizzed round the moon at a million miles per hour and are heading back to an orbit near Earth so Gordon can teleport back to the surface. “Anyway” says Gordon, “Lets go and get you two dressed” nodding in the direction of Belinda and me. Having been so preoccupied with everything that’s been happening I glance down to see that I’m still in my bathrobe and slippers. I glimpse at Belinda and she is the same. As I turn to leave the cabin on a mat on the floor is a blue heeler. It can’t be. Zeb, the greatest dog of all time, yes, its Zeberdee. I race over too him. He sits obediently and puts up his paw just as he always does. “Gordon, how did you get Zeb here?” I ask ecstatically. “Sorry Sandy, it’s a droid made in Zeberdee’s likeness. The Fa…, oops Henry, uses this form when he needs to move around the ship.” But Zeb, I loved him, he was just the greatest, liked to wrestle and was the best cover fielder we ever had. “He can come with you as Zeberdee if you want, Henry doesn’t go out much” Gordon says, “Oh yes please, c’mon Zeb, you’re with us,” I announce with great affection.
With Zeb in close proximity, we head back to the manor to get some clothes on. As we walk along, I raise a tricky issue with Gordon. “Gordon” I pose “If the universe is in a box at the back of the science lab, it must be a pretty big box?” “Well no Sandy’ Gordon replies, “It’s actually quite small. You remember when you were six and your parents brought you those Hush Puppies?” Yes, I do remember, my first pair of Hush Puppies. I kept the box in the bottom of my wardrobe with all my favourite cricket cards. “Well it’s about that big,” Gordon reveals. I’m shocked, I mean that’s small, incredibly small. “So” I press unsure as to if I want the answer “How do you fit in the box?” Gordon starts looking a little bit agitated “Okay, okay, look Sandy, it’s beer o’clock and I need to get back to Earth for a few lagers. But look, I get schnitzelised. You pass thru a schnitzeliser as a 1.84 metre Meupian and then through the box as an object about the size of a sub atomic particle.” I knew I wouldn’t like the answer but being the idiot that I am I press on “Schnitzeliser?” “Yes” replies Gordon “A schnitzeliser, designed by our university professor T.D. Schnitzel”. Being unable to help myself at this stage, I ask, “So what does T.D. stand for?” “Ten Dollar” Gordon informs “So along with Chips and Salad they invented the schnitzeliser”. I can’t resist anymore “You mean Professor Chips and Professor Salad?” I ask waiting for a canning “Yes” says Gordon “How did you know that? By jove Sandy you are a dark horse.”
The rest of the trip is in silence as Belinda and I with the ever-faithful Zeb, ponder the universe existing in a shoebox in the back of the science lab and a machine that transmits people invented by Ten Dollar Schnitzel with Chips and Salad. Boy, some things about space just never cease to amaze me. Gordon stops and says “Well I’m off, see you when you get back”. He sticks his finger in his mouth and disappears. What the f…?
Dazed, we cross the village green, across the cricket pitch and enter the manor. George comes out to greet us. “Sir, Miss Belinda, you have a visitor”. No sorry, not possible, who could possibly visit us here. “In the sitting room” gestures George. Belinda and I enter the room, “Helvi!” Belinda cries, “Helvi, Helvi, Helvi” she shrieks.
Hung One On said:
Hung raises his bat the crowd. A ton at the Arms Oval, every boys dream
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Jayell said:
Who do you think that you are, Freddie?
I think that the praise goes To Algy and I…Thank you very much!!
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H said:
Jayell, I wished you a happy birthday on Gerard’s Unleashed blog. It is not there yet, but I did put it up there earlier, I’m sure Hung will understand why I use gez’ blog for my messages…
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Jayell said:
Thank you Helvi.
I think that we should all leave ten messages on each story, till we get a gaggle, or is it a murder, flock or pride. Oh I know ..a swarm.
Then we can sit back and get more serious.
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H said:
I just checked the UL; you can read the articles, but not the responses. Ah well, thats life.
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Jayell said:
I think that it must be all the illegal immigrants..
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astyages said:
I just checked the UL and they seem to be back to what passes with them for normal…
😉
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Algernon said:
A few solid tonks through the covers here Hung and your on your way to ton.
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Hung One On said:
Cracking shot that!
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Voice said:
Dare I say Happy Birthday Julian? The last person I said that to replied “Thank you. Now don’t you ever mention it again.” I can relate to that.
On my only (unless you count an unscheduled stop at the Townsville Air Force base while on a test flight) but very fondly remembered visit to sunny Qld, we had an all you can eat seafood buffet at some hotel. The shellfish up there really is amazing. Enjoy as I’m sure you will.
Now, are you wanting a personal spell checker/corrector? On 24 hour automatic SMS notification? Afraid I have to decline. I don’t remember correcting your spelling, except of course when Coat Door appeared as Cote d’Ore. 🙂
Actually while writing this I realised that my Firefox spell checker wasn’t working at all. A little while ago I finally got around to configuring my system to use Australian English, so I figured that might be the problem and it was. For anyone else having the same problem, you can download an Australian English dictionary as a standard Firefox plug-in.
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Jayell said:
Thank you for you felicitations.
I did a stupid thing and consumed a large double shot flat white with an almond croissant at the farmers market- so hope my appetite is not impaired.
I didn’t know that you had been a test pilot??
I’m the driver today of course, being teetotal.
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Voice said:
Me. Test pilot! No, just testing some navigation software changes from when I worked for a company that supplied software services to them. My first view of the beautiful Qld coast was from the air.
Should that be teepartial?
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Jayell said:
Orange pekoe. Get some in!
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Hung One On said:
Could this be two half centuaries in a row, ever boys dream
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Jayell said:
Just send me a box of soda water.
Unrelated comment.
———————–
Browsing in JB Hi Fi today and thinking of Dark Side of The Moon, I felt compelled to buy another sub woofer- as they had a sale + an extra discount on speakers.
It is only an 8” Yamaha (not renown for top speakers), but it will complement my JBLs and an Australian made sub woofer by Accusound.
I’ve always been a fan of good bass, ever since I went to a West Indian club in Brixton and could feel the sound shaking my goolies!
So thanks for the prompting Hung.
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Algernon said:
I daresay that Jayell’s got you over the line there Hung, well done.
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Jayell said:
I just pooped over to Unleashed Algernon and they seem to be having problems with the site. Last weeks posts are the latest and it keeps freezing.
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Jayell said:
OOops pooped!! ha ha ;I am pissing myself now….
Raucous laughter rebounds
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Algernon said:
It all sounds a bit messy Jayell. Yes they’re are doing a wonderful job of getting their legs over their shoulder at the moment.
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Jayell said:
Have you noticed- or is it just me?
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Algernon said:
I get a different message every time I visit the site. Error messages, no posts or if their are post there at least a day old.
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Jayell said:
Not the only thing that is a bit messy Algy. Just browsing the world’s finances.
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Jayell said:
Yeh that’s what I found.
I thought that maybe Mulga had been having a word-to grt me banned every time I press Unleashed in my favorites!!
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Algernon said:
The third last paragraph is eerie isn’t it could the same happen here. The interesing thing though is the that the Yanks deficit is only half way to where they were at the end of WW2.
Anyhow just sit back and enjoy todays offering from Dave Dee Dozy, Beaky, Mich & Tich, great hamonys. Couldn’t understand the announcer at the beginning. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xuJ4GIXB5Uc
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Jayell said:
Anyway I’ll leave you to it now Algy. I’m off to watch something on the idiot box….
Off for birthday lunch here tomorrow.
LUNCH…Are you listening VWUH?
http://www.georgesparagonseafood.com/
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Jayell said:
Ok I’ll listen to that first.
Dave Dee ran a pub at Brading on the Isle of Wight for a while.
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Algernon said:
The Kanopi looks nice. Your birthday Jayell?
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Jayell said:
Yeh! Birthday pour moi! 52 again!!!….. Sorry I dived off then to watch BBC world. It was about La tour d’argent in Paris, just near Notre Dame.. I was just salivating over the list of all their precious wines that are going up for sale soon.
Some brandies from before the revolution.
Then I remembered……..I don’t drink any more!!
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Algernon said:
200+ year old brandy Ceste magnifique!
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Jayell said:
The restaurant speciality is pressed duck. They have a contraption with a wheel that tightens down and squashes the BLOODY thing. They serve it with pancakes, if I remember correctly.
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Jayell said:
PS It is two months salary for a meal and ooze.
Only wealthy spraunces, hoy poloi, crooks and business suits, can afford it now.
Oh and harlots and wealthy toe rags.
I went their when I was a Jack-the-lad many, many years ago. It is always on my agenda when I go to stay at my brothers- but I live for a week on lowley fare instead.
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Algernon said:
What bones and all?
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Jayell said:
I think that they save some meat and press some with the bones.
I can’t remember eggsactly.
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Algernon said:
Think I’ll pass on the pressed duck and bones. I could enjoy the brandy though.
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Algernon said:
Enjoy the Birthday brouhaha today Jayell and a Happy birthday as well.
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Jayell said:
Merci, Algernon!
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astyages said:
If Dave Dee ran a pub on the Isle of Wight, that must have been before he went back, “…to that black barren land that bears the name of Xanadu…”?
🙂
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Algernon said:
Smooth asty, very smooth.
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Jayell said:
I think that most piggies sleep through the blogs
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Jayell said:
I’ve banished myself from the tv room.
The missus like Australian Idol, as it is dealing with young talent and often reminds her of her pupils!!
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Jayell said:
It’s about time Hung popped into his own blog. Hush puppies ‘n all!
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Algernon said:
Australian Idol, its a career killer. Enjoyable Lunch Jayell.
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Jayell said:
Yeh, Atomou would have loved it. As you could see from the menu, it is run by a Bubble*.
I went for octopus and snapper with bugs (1/2)- and it is very good value.
They bought out a dessert with a sparkler in and six of the staff + my lot sang HB and then clapped- which was quite friendly.
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Jayell said:
Bubble and squeek= Greek!
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Algernon said:
I got the rhyming slang. Sounds very nice. Did they bring out the Bouzouki player as well? Found this little gem for you it’s a bit cheesy. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oJQM5xBaRXI
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Jayell said:
You should write something for the Pub.
You must have loads of stories from London and here.
Mike will pay you 20 cabbages and a hot beer.
Don’t worry, I can write what I like. He sleeps through these chatty bits.
Listen zzzzzzzzz , see.
In fact he doesn’t exist really. Same as Warrigal and Helvi. They’re all figments of Merv’s imagination!
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Algernon said:
Does Mike grow the cabbages himself.
I was a bar/cellerman in London once. I’ve thought of writing something, Hung encouraged me recently and working through afew ideas in my head. Maybe something onmy birthday on the 27th.
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Jayell said:
look forward to it.
My mobile just buzzed with a message from Helvi….I’m off for a look.
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Jayell said:
Was that Hush Puppies I heard?….No…zzzzzz snore.
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Algernon said:
We might get hung his ton tonight without any imput from him. I woulf have thought he would have bought out the whole array.
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Jayell said:
Cracking shot that!..
He did write that today.
—————————–
Must be hard work watching TV!!
I’m off to channel surf now.
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Jayell said:
Gonna read that
. It’s in episodes starting today. An account of the reporter’s capture and treatment in Afghanistan.
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Algernon said:
Neatly tapped behind square, takes off for a quick single. Yes that the 100 up for Hung, fantastic innings, last 50 in double quick time. The crowd loves it and stands as one.
Oops sorry, I went a bit overboard.
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Jayell said:
Helvi’s notes for your speech at the PA’s board meeting, next month!
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H said:
Yes, Jayell, and why am sitting in a box?
Anyhow I am writing a story about Polish Sheepdogs and I’m on the lookout for photos of old, overweight and scraggly looking Mirriyuulas 🙂
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Jayell said:
You’re probably in a candy box commensurate with your personality.
Can’t stop off to the tip to take my trailor- that I borrowed back fom my son in law.
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Jayell said:
Yes I know, Voice, I should use a thesaurus and/or dictionary.
But that would spoil it for you??
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H said:
Talking about tips and trailors; that’s what we did, off to the tip we went; with the schoolholiday lot here we have not been able to do much of our own stuff…
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Jayell said:
You shouldn’t t copy my bad spelling Helvi.
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H said:
I know all about trailer trash and trailers but thought you might be trying to get Voice to come and correct you…i did not want to embarass you… 🙂
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Jayell said:
Ha ha ,very good.
Of course you noticed how I have to borrow my own trailer?
Voice must be cooking dinner !
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Algernon said:
Its not a shaggy dog story is it Helvi?
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H said:
asty, now I know why I don’t like the picture of me; I look like a robot.
So Warrigal has managed to make me look what I’m meant to be looking like in Hung’s spaceship story: Helvibot. All my ‘lovely’ and loving and happy smiles have been turned into a robot like grin…
Little Max said something clever:Oma you look like you are frozen…!
PS. I love dissecting photos as you all know. 🙂
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gerard oosterman said:
Helvi might look like s spaced-out zorgonite but my thighbone is pre historic.
My mouth seems ready to do an imitation of Bob Carr after a good spoonful of instant mashed potatoes.
What am I pointing for so hopefully?
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H said:
Gez, you were pointing at my new Christian Dior sunnies and you asked somewhat crankily: How much did you pay for those?
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Jayell said:
My posts keep hurdling!!
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H said:
I’m feeling all spaced-out now., might even spill some of that coffee…
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Jayell said:
Is The Scnitchel wiener?
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Jayell said:
Brain Damage
(Waters) 3:50
The lunatic is on the grass.
The lunatic is on the grass.
Remembering games and daisy chains and laughs.
Got to keep the loonies on the path.
The lunatic is in the hall.
The lunatics are in my hall.
The paper holds their folded faces to the floor
And every day the paper boy brings more.
And if the dam breaks open many years too soon
And if there is no room upon the hill
And if your head explodes with dark forebodings too
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.
The lunatic is in my head.
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade, you make the change
You re-arrange me ’til I’m sane.
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There’s someone in my head but it’s not me.
And if the cloud bursts, thunder in your ear
You shout and no one seems to hear.
And if the band you’re in starts playing different tunes
I’ll see you on the dark side of the moon.
“I can’t think of anything to say except…
I think it’s marvelous! HaHaHa!”
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Jayell said:
Some verse to go with the digimebob.
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Jayell said:
Yes I just googled it. Corp Jones used to say,”they don’t like it up em”.
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astyages said:
Lance corporal Jones… otherwise known as Jonesey, the butcher from the High Street, played by Clive Dunn. Ian Lavender played that ‘stupid boy!’, Private Pike, secretly the lovechild of Sergeant Frank Wilson…
Just a taste from the very first series:
ARP Warden: (Knocking on door): Open the door! I’m an ARP warden!
Mad Old Bugger: “I’m not opening the door in my nightshirt!”
ARP Warden: “I didn’t know you had a door in your nightshirt!”
Just watched the first couple of episodes and I’m still laughing at this one!
🙂
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Jayell said:
Ha ha.
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astyages said:
Got it wrong again… Private Frank Pike was the secret lovechild of Sergeant Arthur Wilson…
Sorry!
Anyway, Happy Birthday, Julian, and many more…
Had an unfortunate experience with a duck once… maybe I’ll write about it one day…
🙂
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Algernon said:
Didn’t bite you foot did it Asty. BTW how is the foot, inproving I hope.
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astyages said:
Yes, thanks, Algae… the foot’s improving… very slowly.
I had a cast made of it today for an ‘orthotic insole’ whatever one of those is! In the meantime I’m supposed to get a new pair of shoes, because the old one is too worn out and I’d want the insole to fit a new shoe…
Looks like I’ll at least be able to wear more or less ordinary footwear even if I still can’t walk on it. I can put it down on the floor now while I’m seated, for up to an hour… but it still likes to be ‘up’ most of the time. Been given ‘exercises’ to do… lots of ’em! Gonna be a long hard road to recovery…
🙂
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astyages said:
PS: I only open my mouth to change feet!
😉
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astyages said:
Wow… a piccie of Helvi and Gerard on what looks like the bridge of a mid-period Starship Enterprise… How cool!
🙂
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Algernon said:
A fine body of work, Hung. Keep it coming.
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Hung One On said:
Thank you Biggles cousin
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astyages said:
Dunno what to say Hung, other than fantabulous! Hilarious! Author! Author!
😉
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Hung One On said:
Thanks for the support T2
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Jayell said:
Was Helvi in the box?
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Hung One On said:
The Helvi-tastic is perfect I think it would come in a specially made container.
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astyages said:
I’m planning a ‘Helvi ex machina’ at some stage during Hell Hospital, JL… as patron saint of St Helvi’s, I think it only fitting that she should put in an apperance… or several!
😉
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Hung One On said:
Asty, I think Gez can become Gordon, wadda you reckon?
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H said:
Asty, as long as i can pick my own pics, I’ll be a patron saint of anything; no self respecting girl should leave the selection to Waz and Gez!
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astyages said:
Helvi, unless it’s Warrigal, I don’t know who the God of Photography is… but if you have enough influence with him to be able to pick your own pictures, please be my guest.
I’m still not sure though, whehter to make you an ‘angel’ or a ‘hell’s angel’… or just leave you as a ‘saint’… decisions, decisions…
🙂
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astyages said:
Hung, Gez COULD become Gordon… he looks quite similar but for the beard really…
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Hung One On said:
Methinks you are right, I will talk to Waz
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H said:
There is gez, typically pointing his finger at me: if you want water to come out of the tap you have turn it ON, like this H, do you understand,anti clockwise…
Yes dear ,I say, and pass the hose to him sweetly.
PS. I have found a picture of Warrigal Mirriyuula. Just wait for the next Oosterman story; revenge is sweet!
PS. 2 Otherwise an amusing story, Hung.
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Hung One On said:
Thanks H
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Warrigal said:
I’m really looking forward to that picture H.
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H said:
Don’t get too excited, Warrigal. It’s only going to be picture of a Mirriyuula breed dog, and only if I decide to write about dogs. It is so peaceful with only Milo here, Charlie and Belle have gone home, and so have the kids…
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Emmjay said:
Uncommon as it is for me to comment here, I have to say that when I was preparing this rare dish for serving, I laughed so hard I was risking stuff coming uncontrolled out of my nose…… and wet eyes – again.
You guys kill me totally ! Yay !
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Hung One On said:
Gee Mike, you have something to say, how rare. By the way, what has Hung One On done to the mods over at Unleashed? Just because I called them a pack of low IQ morons? Must have hit the mark methinks.
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Jayell said:
Yes They are taking a couple of hours to put stuff up. And pulling quite mild posts.
They need the cold steel up em, yes begorrah!
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Hung One On said:
I’m with you Jules, cold steel up ’em
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Jayell said:
I think that was from Dad’s army.
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Hung One On said:
For sure, and what about when that insipid corporal turned up on East Enders, Ian Lavender, I think his name is.
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Algernon said:
I’m have the same problem Hung, The let somethings I think sjhouldn’t get through through and then other things they stop which seem perfectly OK.
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Hung One On said:
Algernon, I am much the same. Last week I posted the same post as Father O’Way, one on Mikes and one on Gez’s, it was accepted on one but not the other. I was starting to take it personal thinking they didn’t want Hung One On to post but it sounds that we are all having the same issue.
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Jayell said:
Unleashed is censored, which of course is allowed.
The main gripe that I have is the always unpredictable and often interminably lengthy gaps between web publishing.
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Algernon said:
I occasionally use other aliases and sometimes they don’t get through either. I did have one that was put up once that was taken down an hour later. It had to do with Iguanagate for which I had some inside knowledge. I kept trying to post on the same issue. In the end my post was so oblique that you were reading plenty between the lines. I have no issue with Unleased being censored, I just wonder why somethings are censored.
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Jayell said:
It amuses me to use several aliases, which can sometimes add a bit of pomp or circumstance.
Granny recently accused me of backing up my comments with support. In fact I don’t do that, excepting on about 3 occasions in 12 months. But, when it is jokey. I don’t expect anyone to back me , since 70% of Unleashed has a singularly cadaverous attitude toward any poster displaying right wing polemic- and I thrive on that. Not necessarily expecting any response at all. In fact it irks me to see how much masturbation goes on.
Three bags full.
Men de var för stora,
så dem fick storebror.
And one for the little boy who lives down the lane!!
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Algernon said:
I just enjoy being tongue in cheek most of the time. Lately I think much of the posting iw way way too serious. And yes far too much wankery. There are some who are just too serious for words especially on politics. One young bloke in particular from Queensland just sounds like something out of Young Liberals 101, I almost consider it a sport to bait him and he falls for it every time. I only use other alias’s for certain subjects and they tend to be plays on words.
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