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Interstellar Off Break by Warrigal
The mood on the ship has changed since Gordon’s message about the Intergalactic Cricket Control Board’s announcement that they have lost patience with worlds that aren’t paying their fees. The crew are now in combat mode, all armoured and carrying weapons. Troops have entered the village and river traffic has increased as troops and other military gear is ferried around the ship. Even the Nimmow has morphed into a patrol boat and the Kipper and Jilligan have their armour and weapons matched perfectly to their skirts and chiffon blouses.
The most remarkable change is in Helvi. George informs me that Helvi is really a killing machine capable of hand to hand combat, excellent small arms skills and sword mastery. Helvi calls into the manor. “Sandy I need to teach you the ways of the Farce. You can channel the farce as your father could. You have phenomenal farcical powers” Helvi instructs. Boy, Dad, my uni professor of a father had some mystical powers. I mean, shit, he never told me. “But Helvi” I bemoan “I can’t fight anyone, it’s against my religion, you know, St Generic Brand”. “Oh Sandy, stop wimping. The time is now and the one is you, you have to stand firm and fight the evil Lord Deaf Vision.” Says Helvi, the killing machine.
Helvi places a glass of water on the table. “Now Sandy I want you to use the Farce through your mind and put the glass out in the kitchen” says Helvi. “Go on Sandy, you can do anything” says Belinda supportively. “Now just think of something or someone really stupid then tell the glass to return to the kitchen.” Helvi asks. Okay, man, I’m almost shitting myself but if that’s what I’ve gotta do then okay. I let my mind wander and think, who’s stupid? what’s stupid? That guy in the pub, the one that hardly speaks and usually stares blankly at the wall, Hung something, yeah that’s right Hung One On from that band Head Cleaner, what a stupid name. Glass, to the kitchen. Suddenly the glass raises off the table and smashes into the kitchen wall splattering glass and water all over the place. “Sandy, not so hard, but you did it, you did it” relieves Helvi as Belinda shrieks with joy. Gee two women at once is hard work.
So we are about to hit the SPEW and who knows where Lord Deaf Vision will be but all I have to do is think of something stupid and use the Farce. You know as funny as that seems I’ve actually been really good at stupidity all my life. Maybe this is my calling after all. My high school teacher always used to say “Whitey” Don’t know why he called me that when my names Sandy, “Whitey, it’s one of the great puzzles of the universe, what are you actually doing here?” In my mind my answer was “Fucked if I know Noel” Noel was his first name and a no no to call him that. My answer would always come out “Yes Mr Meadows, whatever you say sir”.
We are currently in the SPEW, the Space Particle Emissions Wavetable and have just jumped to Joon. Henry calls on the intercom “Sandy, you better get here fast something’s up”. Belinda and I race across the green and into the control room. We look out into space and there is debris everywhere. “Active deflector shields” cries Henry, “Sandy, hit the brakes” Henry yells. “What brakes?” I sing out, I thought I didn’t need to know anything about flying this thing. “Sit in the chair and hit the pedal on the left” Henry screams. I hit the chair and there is a steering wheel with two pedals on the floor. To my left is a floor shift with the letters PRND2L and some other levers behind the wheel. Hang on, a car, you mean to tell me I’m in the driver seat of a car, this is farcical alright, mighty complex fiction. “Do a yuey, a u-turn fast” screams Henry.
astyages said:
Hey, I just discovered that if I put up a post here at the PA using either astyages or theseustoo it goes up straight away, but if I use an unfamiliar pseudonym it gives a ‘your post is awaiting moderation’ message…
I’m flattered, I think, by the implications of this…
🙂
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Emmjay said:
Well spotted. So stop pissing around with “never heard of them” new pseuds and ultra-fake Email addreses, OK ?
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astyages said:
Well… I only use ‘new pseuds’ very rarely, Emm… and I don’t know what you mean about ‘ultra-fake’ email addies… I thought I’d used my own email addy, although I plead guilty to the new ‘pseud’, ‘Yoda’… It just seemd a bit funnier coming from him than from me. My apologies for any editorial confusion… must have been a misspelling.
🙂
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astyages said:
Okay, own up… Who spiked Voice’s milk?
😉
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Yoda said:
Very stong in the farce you are, Hung One On…
🙂
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H said:
Hey Hung, I have to adjust to the Killer Machine label before I read any further…
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Algernon said:
Another fine piece, Hung. See the australians won in India comfortably. Do you know what a “get go” is.
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Hung One On said:
Thanks Algy. Yes I really rate the Indians, probably the second best team in the world behind us but they don’t win as much as they should. Saw VVS Laxman and Dravid make a big partnership at the Adelaide Oval and boy they where great. The Indians went on to win that test.
Yes, saw the get go line, haven’t heard of that one before however the jurno using it seemed to think it was the start of the second inning
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Algernon said:
Yes thats what I thought. The Indians have some great cricketers. Tenduker is just beautiful to watch. I was at the SCG when Harbijhan said somthing like Monkey to Symonds. Decided never to pay to watch them whilst he is in the team.
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Emmjay said:
Algy, is Symonds back in the team ? Well I never ! There’s a vote for rehab.
Oh, I get it. You meant Harbijhan.
I recall a gutless but monetarily motivated ACB going doggo on that one. Nice.
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Voice said:
The get go is where the go getters with the most get up and go get going from.
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Algernon said:
Yes, I should have been clearer there Emmjay. I meant watching India whilst Harbijhan was in the team. Gutlessness came to mind describing the powers that be then.
Voice. if the get go is where the go getters that get up and go get going from, where do the get go go to.
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Voice said:
They go go to old ’70s records in Goa where cricket is all the go.
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Emmjay said:
Voice, you’ve been on the catnip again, haven’t you !
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Voice said:
Let’s go, let’s go.
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Algernon said:
Is junior farm nearby.
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Voice said:
Hello, Goodbye. I’ve had enough.
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