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Well, after a night on Earth and a big piss up at the Pig’s Arms with the gang, I’ve really hung one on. My head hurts and feels like I’ve got a meat cleaver wedged in my brain. Anyway back on the spaceship we are headed for Zog, no not where Zig and Zag come from or anything to do with maths. Zog is a planet a long way from Earth and those ICCB cronies however Zogarins love cricket and Gordon wants me to review the progress of cricket on Zog. Zog orbits a star we call Meissa, “The Shining One” and is found in Orion. It’s quite a few kilometres away but in light years around 640 or thereabouts. The problem on Zog is that everyone is too friendly and Gordon thinks that they need a bit of Australian mongrel in them so he is sending me, the Good Father, to teach them to sledge.
As we are manoeuvring out of the solar system Henry, the navcom, calls us to the control room to view a picture taken by the ships sensors of Mars. You can see it above, so Belinda and I don our space suits and board the S.S. Nimmow with Jilligan and the Kipper to go and take a look. Now one thing that’s hard to get used to is talking to the crew from a space suit especially when they don’t wear one as they don’t breathe, man, it’s spooky.
We go up the stairs in the middle of the arena and enter the change rooms. Amazing, the walls are covered with posters from the sponsors. “The One Wipe Toilet Paper Company, proud sponsor of the Syrtis Major Cricket Club, remember you only need one wipe with One Wipe”, fantastic, can’t wait to tell the gang back at the Pig’s Arms about this one. The next poster “Mao the chair man, for all your chair needs, call Mao the chair man on 117059322, sponsor of the Arabia Terra Wanderers”. I wonder, nah, couldn’t be.
In the next area is the Umpires Room and has a saying written on the door “If in doubt, it’s not out”. Obviously they couldn’t get leg before right either. On one of the walls is a notice board that has a memo pinned on it. It says “Calling all umpires. Now is the time to join our new society to protect your rights and income. Join the Cricket Umpires New Technologic Society” and then in brackets the acronym which I won’t post here as it makes a very rude word on Earth and there may be some kiddies reading.
We head on through the museum with pictures of little green men holding bats and wearing pads. So it was true, Mars did have little green men. One of the pictures has been attacked by a graffiti artist. Someone called “Phoenix” has drawn a circle out of the mouth of one of the players and written “Take me to your leader”. Shit, they have even spoilt the place way out here.
The intercom goes off. “Sandy, er, I mean Lord Climate D’Change. You better come back. The ICCB are beaming in a hologram”. We return to the ship and go to the Cruel Room. Belinda and I take up our seats. “Greeting Earthlings” the creature says, “My name is ToeKnee Egg, Vice President of the ICCB. We have you completely surrounded, 2 slips, a leg slip, silly mid on and short cover. I have bet my colleague Bul 5000 G.U.’s that you’ll try and make a run for it down to deep fine leg. Now that’s 5 grand I don’t mind losing to my pigeon fancying friend however if you what to surrender do so in the next hour. It would be appreciated as I have dinner to go to with my good friend Perry Kacker.”
H said:
Hung One On , we have been a bit of a team promoting Warrigal’s dog story on UL, haven’t we.
Please Waz, do not get too worried, we have not said too much, we have only spoken (written, for pedants) about some good dog catcher story we saw on Hung’s Racing Guide….
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Hung One On said:
Yes, thank you Mrs O. Gotta do the best for the team.
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gerard oosterman said:
Warrigal,
Do you think a metre is a metre on Mars. We know that the speed of light is not as constant as we thought is was and can actually vary.
This means that distance and therefore the measurements of a metre or a foot vary.
I am just trying to be a bit scientific but it could explain that my 6feet 2″ frame now measures just barely 6ft.
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Warrigal said:
Yeah, I’m shrinking too.
Apparently while our bones shrink after a certain point all the cartilaginous stuff like ears and nose keep growing. Feet get bigger too but that’s just biomechanical spreading from bearing our mass through life.
All units of measurement are arbitrary and culturally determined both here and on Mars; when there was a Martian culture. In this case “culture” as in a petri dish. Mars may well have had life early on in its history, much the same as Earth did; unicellular and microbial multi-cellular lifeforms, and there may indeed be life there still but I doubt they’d have a use for a system of measurement. They’d be too busy just staying alive in an extremely hostile environment.
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Hung One On said:
Yes the Microbial Cricket Club, I can see it all now….
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Hung One On said:
It brings a new meaning to “the team is under the microscope”
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Warrigal said:
All jokes aside Hung, that bit about “We have you completely surrounded, 2 slips, a leg slip, silly mid on and short cover.” is priceless stuff. Like I said “just funny!”.
If we’d seen that on some TV comedy sketch we’d all be laughing fit to bust. Well maybe not H. She doesn’t “grock” cricket, but at least she isn’t yet openly antagonistic.
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Hung One On said:
Part 2 should be ready Sunday, thanks for all your help
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gerard oosterman said:
Do they hit the ball with the bat on Mars or the bat with the ball. Without gravity it would not make much difference, would it?
With the eerie orange, the best colour for my cricket uniform and cap would be green, or would the after image of orange on the eye’s retina, being the opposite, negate the green colour then?
It so tricky.
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Warrigal said:
The design of a Martian cricket ball is intriguing. You’re absolutely right about gravity being a bit of a problem. The truth is that when they first began playing an early form of the game it was quite common for big hits to reach escape velocity and for the ball to venture out to join Phobos and Deimos in irregular but stable orbits.
They got round this by designing so called “active bats” and a hollow ball made of high density deformable elastic metals arranged in shells that allowed the ball to accumulate the bat amplified impact energy, transfer it to the ball and thereafter the ball behave in Mars’ 0.167G as if it were hit here on Earth. Sixes however remained common in the Martian game right up to the time when Mars’ own climate catastrophe saw the extinction of the Martians and the game.
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Mirriyuula said:
“Out of Mars’ gravity well and it’s six and out. You must also supply the replacement ball.
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Julian said:
Look WM, I just can’t swallow that ball thingy..
I KNOW THEY DON”T PLAY CRICKET ON MARS…Hmm stupid.
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Julian said:
They play shuttlecock!!
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H said:
Julian, I don’t want to understand cricket, not here on Earth, not on Mars. I have to say it puts me to sleep every time, just seeing Ponting makes me feel drowsy…
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Hung One On said:
Jules, correct, they don’t play cricket on Mars but they did play cricket, Hung wooden lye.
PS Hate to be a pedant
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Hung One On said:
Complex fiction WM, you’re learning
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Warrigal said:
My most profound and gracious thanks Hung. With you as tutor how can I go wrong?
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Warrigal said:
Sorry my figure for gravity on Mars is glaringly and obviously incorrect. (Shame faced and feelin’ like a fool!) Mars gravity is 0.38G. The Moon, of course dunderhead, is 0.167G.
(Puts on dunces cap and stands, head hanging down, in nearest corner.)
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Hung One On said:
Even complex fiction has it’s difficulties
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gerard oosterman said:
Great story with part 1 hitting the ground running. Toeknee Egg is someone to keep an I out for. I might have to take up cricket yet!
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Hung One On said:
In life everything is possible
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H said:
I love your optimism, Hung one on
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Hung One On said:
The bottles half full H
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atomou said:
Delightful!
Love it: ToeKnee Egg! President!
Now that’s a great Yoke to put around the ICCB’s neck!
Last one to vote for Toeknee is a rotten goog!
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Hung One On said:
ato, I need to inherit your word smithery
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H said:
Is this about cricket? Warrigal seems to like the colour ‘orange’ lately, I’ll put my sunnies on 🙂
(I have taken on Asty’s habit of adding a smiley to be on the safe side)
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Warrigal said:
It’s the thin CO2 atmosphere on Mars. It filters out all the blue light leaving Mars with an eerie red orange hue. Of course on Mars it’s the day games that are played with a white ball.
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Hung One On said:
WM, do the players wear pink?
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Mirriyuula said:
Only during Mardi Gras
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Julian said:
The good Father’s sledging is peerless.
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Hung One On said:
Thank you Jules, the ultimate sledger, half English, half Australian
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Hung One On said:
My father was a Londoner but didn’t like a South African becoming the English captain.
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Hung One On said:
Actually happened in Oz too but I always though a Keppler was a potato and a Wessel was something you set out to sea in.
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