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Digital Matrimony by Warrigal
We are currently on Zog staying with our host Ziggy McGurk, no relation. Zogarian culture is very advanced compared to Earth. See on Zog there are no nations, its just one nation, sorry Pauline. There hasn’t been a war for over 100,000 years. As there are no wars the Zogarians got on with solving all of the problems like poverty, homelessness and disease. Zog has been a member of the space community for about 5,000 years and are experienced in space exploration and most importantly welcoming aliens. When you land you are scanned for disease and cured so no more methicillin resistant staph. aureus for me. You know it on Earth as the super bug MRSA that infects every hospital on the planet.
The problem on Zog that I have been sent to fix is that Zogarians are so dammed polite no one seems to be able to win a cricket game. Oh yes, the Zogarians are cricket fanatics. Some of the crew have come down as well to watch a few plays and go to the cricket. Ziggy has arranged for me to meet the cricket coaches so that I can teach them how to sledge an opponent Aussie style so that the teams can start to win.
I’m taken to a meeting venue at the Grand Arena, the HQ for Zogarian cricket. The room holds about 200 people and it’s packed. I’m shitting myself but this is what Gordon O’Donnell, the creator of the universe, wants me to do. “Now listen up. The players are too polite” I lead off “So you have got to get the fielding side to get into the head of the batsmen. This upsets them and throws them off there game.” I inform. “So if a batsman comes out who’s a bit overweight the bowler has to yell out ‘Hey fatso, can you move over a bit I can’t see the stumps?’” I declare. Around the room gasps and cries are rising up. “That’s cheating” one coach says “Well mate, that’s how the Aussie’s have been winning games for years and we’re the best on our planet. Anyway there is nothing in the rules to prevent it.” I state rather sternly, not like me at all.
To balance it up I lunge on “So now the batman has to say ‘Mate the reason I’m so fat is that every time I make love to your wife she gives me a biscuit’”. Faces turn to horror and cries ring out around the room. “Out with this cad” cries one man. “Get rid of this scoundrel” says another. “Look I understand you don’t like it but you do want to win don’t you?” I ask. The room quietens down. Yes, I’ve hit a nerve. They obviously want to win but it seems it’s against their culture.
“So Father, do you have any others?” asks a man at the front. “Well, yes, a few. But look here’s the rules. Pick on their appearance, their parents and their batting and bowling technique. At the end of the game always shake hands and have a few beers and tell them you were only joking” I deflate knowing how pathetic this really is.
Just as I finish my phone rings “Lord Climate, its Henry here. Look Father there’s some good news and some bad news.” Don’t you just hate these types of conversations? “Okay then, please don’t give me a choice, just tell me what’s up” I say rather forlornly. “Well” says Henry “The good news is that the ships drive is being defragged so it will perform better.” Nice one Henry I think to myself. “The bad news is that while this is in progress the teleport transponder won’t work and we’ve just detected 500 ICCB troops closing in on your position” says Henry.
Warrigal said:
I think I can now safely ask, “What the hell has that wedding cake got to do with anything this side of the spatiotemporal asymtote?”
I know Sandy’s a bit of a wag and Belinda can surely handle herself but married!? Has the Catholic Church gone through some kind of change? Or maybe the date on the cake is the “tell”. Seems they’ve even changed the names of the months a few centuries from here.
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Hung One On said:
Complex fiction at its best WM
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Warrigal said:
Very sticky wicket, what? 500 ICCB goons, stooges and storm troopers. Who’s leading them? Not that little dude, Darth Turd?
What the……..?
“Yo’ Moma!”
Sandy, ya better get ya utility cassock on. They’re about to blow the roof offa the dump! Belinda do you think you can handle this?
I’ve held bigger and with more kick.
Good, point it over their. If anything moves, materialises, or makes a noise shoot the shit out of it, got that?
Sandy, Get onto Gordon with a sit rep…., (oh no I’m dema t e r i a l i s i n g
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Hung One On said:
Belinda is very capable WM
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H said:
Gez took some really nice pics at the wedding. Not of Sandy and Belinda, but of me…
Sorry, not really of me, my head doesn’t show ‘cos Gez was a little tipsy and moved the camera…
It’s about my new outfit, it’s really really beautiful, much nicer than Belinda’s wedding dress.
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Hung One On said:
H, I’m a poor parish priest, its all I could afford
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julian said:
I once went to a lunch where Jeff Thompson was the guest speaker.
In between the swear words was an account of cricket sledging and a run down on how he aimed for faces and arms to intimidate. It seemed quite fair actually, because dear old Thomo was only retaliating to the Pakis’ sledges, so he said.
If I had more time tonight I would write an account of the lunch, drinks and his stories.
Another day….
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nevillecole said:
My favorite cricket memory is still sitting in the outer at the MCG watching Lillee and Tommo relentlessly attempt to decapitate every English batsman that dared stand at the crease. Poor Rod Marsh had leap and cartwheel in the heat all day long to stop the ball running all the way to the fence although most of the time if he did miss it one of the Chappell brothers was there to clean up. They were great days those late 70s summer test matches. I haven’t watch a game in 20 years but it is all so familiar…and the sledging continues as well. I was telling an Indian friend at work about how much I used to love watching the Aussies beat the Poms for the Ashes and he said “Ah yes, it is very much the same as how I feel about Pakistan!” He then said rather sadly “but I have lived here now for 14 years and now cannot help but find cricket a tiresome thing. Five days for one game that is more than likely to end in a draw! How did we find the time to follow such a game?” We both agreed that copious amounts of alcohol were a key ingredient to truely enjoying cricket.
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Hung One On said:
Neville, you’re going back there
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Hung One On said:
I thought you were Jeff Thompson
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Algernon said:
How many omlys were used to make the cake Hung?
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Hung One On said:
500 Lord Algernon
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Hung One On said:
Totally agree my friend
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Hung One On said:
This was supposed to appear below T2’s comment
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theseustoo said:
Nice on Hung, thanks to your dedicated documentary work on the international significance of cricket I think I’m finally beginning to understand not only cricket, but to some extent, sport in general… which is to say that I have come to the conclusion that the actual ‘game’, whatever it is, (cricket, football, hockey, ping-pong, christmas shopping etc) are actually of only secondary significance:
The real purpose and function of sport IS the sledging… and the pretense that it was ‘only a joke’ over drinks afterwards is just so much ‘rubbing the losers’ nose in it’ to reinforce the domination of the winners; the ultimate purpose of course being to establish and reinforce a social hierarchy based on who has the worst manners and the nastiest insults… after all, as your own post suggests, polite people are losers, aren’t they?
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H said:
Very astute assessment, asty!
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