Column and Picture by Aunt Mary
Facebook Faux Pas
Dear wonderful nephews and nieces,
Well, your Aunt Mary finally went and did it! She got herself a computer and joined hypercyber revolution as you young ones out there all like to call it. What a brave new eworld this is, dear ones. Not one day was I on the world wide interweb before my box was filled with probing equestions from you all. I have no idea how you all sniffed me out so fast. You poor souls are all so very desperate for Aunt Mary’s counsel, aren’t you? Some times I have to stop and pity each and every darling one of you, I really do. But I know all too well how much you love your Aunt Mary and to be so needed by so many makes me a very happy Mary indeed; dare I go so far as to say it makes me a proud Mary? But enough! I need to keep on rolling down the river, don’t I young nephews and nieces? Oh, but one more note before I go on, I do need to let you know that it may take me a while to get my elegs under me and find the time in my hectic schedule to ewrite back to you all especially as my little puss-puss has taken sick again and is demanding I pay her constant attention and cater to her every whim this week.
For now, I do want to address one econcern that was sent to me by my dear Nephew Norman. He ewrote:
Dear Aunt Mary, when will you be getting a Facebook page? We do so need your help navigating the treacherous seas of social networking. I have one particular Facebook friend whom I feel I have let go but I really don’t know the best way to do so. I and she, you see, have a history and even though we parted amicably I don’t really want this past dalliance spying on my present. Should I simply cut her off? Or is there a more mannered way for me to move on with my life?
Well, Norman, until I received your enote I frankly had slim to no information about this Facebook fad; but as you know your Aunt Mary is nothing if not resourceful and her razor sharp mind has been finished to a fine edge by years of trial and thus her experience in all matters of social import is second to none. Since receiving your emessage I set out to undertake an investigation of all things Facebook and I now feel adequately prepared to bring succor to your epleadings.
Facebook. Where do I start? Apparently in this 21st century virtual existence of ours this is what passes for social interaction. Tweetering and twitting and bloggering each other ad infinitum et nauseum. Accumulating new friends like sailors contract communicable diseases. Rounding up old friends most of whom we barely even acknowledged during our adolescent years. Pretending to be farmers and gansters and engaging in any number of imaginary games that we should have outgrown as preteens. Not to mention wasting countless valuable hours relentlessly swapping photos and songs and video clips as if we were collectively starved for any and every form of entertainment and doing most if not all of these activities while sitting alone at a keyboard in our pajamas or worse. In short, dear ones, this Facebook addiction has to be a one of the saddest reflections I know of how far we have fallen down the socio-evolutionary scale. If you ask me primates, ants and penguins now officially have more genuine interaction with one another on a daily basis than modern mankind.
But do not allow yourselves to believe that you are suddenly off the hook, dear ones. We cannot allow ourselves to add insult to injury. Just because we have launched ourselves headlong down this path of degeneration does not mean be are beyond reformation. What we have to do is take a stand and demand that our new virtual interactions carry with them the same obligations to social mores that our physical interactions once did.
Here, dear nephew Norman, is what your Aunt Mary strongly suggests you need to do avoid committing any further Facebook faux pas.
For one you have to start considering your online friendships as carefully as you do your offline friendships. Clicking the friend button should be akin to an invitation to a dinner party. One does not simply slam the door on a guest carrying an RSVP. An invited guest is at the very least deserving of an explanation or, if the fault is yours, an apology should the invitation need to be revoked. A reversal or revoking of friendship should never be undertaken on a whim but only carried out after careful reflection and for good and just reasons. As a practical step, nephew, you owe your one-time belle an honest and open explanation for your new found need to remove her from your virtual space. I suggest you send her an enote, or better yet a hand-written letter, that says something along these lines:
“Dear friend, It is clear that we once were closer than we are today and while I still cherish the time we spent together the bond we once had is no longer what it was. For us to continue to share intimacies and have our lives entwined, even in virtual manner, can only tie us to the past and impede our future growth and progress. Regrettably, the only logical way for us both to seek the better good is to cut these ties that bind and move on to a brighter tomorrow. I will in due course remove you from my friends list. I hope you can see that this is the best for both of us because if you continue to seek out a virtual friendship with me I will be forced to block you from my interweb completely. Yours sincerely, etc..
You have no doubt already realized that you have many other current Facebook friends who need to be pared off your dinner list. Really, Norman you actually believe you have the time and will to adequately interact with 238 Facebook friends? I thought not. Here are a few suggestions for trimming your list.
To status twitterers: Dear friend, in the past few hours I have learned that you woke up feeling blue, you made coffee, you watched the today show, you had a change of heart, and you are looking forward to a big evening. Although these events may feel life affirming and/or of vital importance within your small sphere of existence, I have grown weary of your constant status updates and see no other option but to retract my previous invitation of virtual friendship. Yours regrettably, etc..
To the quizaholics: Dear friend, I care not a whit what your pirate name would be or who is your celebrity beau. I am not interested in which Shakespeare character you are or what famous philosopher you most resemble. Because you seem unable to stop posting the results of the latest infantile test you clicked through I will be forced to click the “remove from friends” button immediately after I click send on this email. Yours emphatically, etc..
To the clearly deranged: Dear friend, when I accepted your original invitation of virtual friendship I frankly had no idea you had devolved over the past few decades into a slobbering lunatic. I now see there is no hope of you ever regaining the status of functional adult and so I find I am forced to delete you from my list of friends. I do hope you are unsuccessful in your attempt to secure my address and I warn you ahead of time that should you try to contact me again I will not hesitate to slap you with an order of restraint. Yours blantantly, etc..
I hope you take my response as seriously as I intended it to be received, dear nephew Norman. And before I conclude also consider this…perhaps if you didn’t have quite so many pictures of your drunken excesses and reckless ribaldry plastered all over the interweb you would not be so concerned about snooping eyes in the first place. Perhaps if you were able to show even a modicum of restraint in your virtual life you would not feel so compelled to toss your guests from the party willy-nilly. The old adage still applies dear ones. What you refrain from showing is ever more appealing than what you do.
Until next time dear nephew and nieces, nosce te ipsum and also know that Aunt Mary loves you to pieces…almost as much as she adores her sickly little puss-puss.
EDITORS NOTE: IF YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR AUNT MARY WHY NOT POST IT AS A COMMENT?
theseustoo said:
Dear Aunt Judy, I have a question for you: “What do you do when a 35-year-old Sri Lankan (so she said) woman, whom you’ve never seen before in your life, knocks on your door and tells you that she’s looking for a permanent boyfriend and somewhere to live, and that she has her sights firmly set on you?”
😉
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Julian said:
Uncle Julian Says:
Depends on her looks 😉 🙂 (:
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Aunt Mary said:
Not sure who this Judy woman is…but this question is worthy of a whole new column from me. Stay tuned nephews and nieces!
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nevillecole said:
All this reminds me of a Mental as Anything song…
It’s hard to be a nice guy all the time
Everybody knows that guilty feeling
When you hurt the one you love
Yes I’m guilty of that crime
It’s a strain to maintain that loving feeling
Even when you say don’t be cruel
People being what they are there’s danger
There’s gun battles in the suburbs
I didn’t mean to be mean oh no
I didn’t mean to be mean oh no
It’s hard to be a nice guy all the time
Everybody knows that guilty feeling
When you hurt the one you love
Yes I’m guilty of that crime
Now I wouldn’t say I was no saint
But there are worse things that I ain’t
My old mum will stand by me
and she’s as true as she can be
I didn’t mean to be mean oh no
I didn’t mean to be mean oh no
I didn’t mean to be mean oh no no no no
I didn’t mean to be mean oh no
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Big M said:
PS. I’d like to buy Aunt Mary and Kay a couple of G & Ts.
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Hung One On said:
Seems so
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Hung One On said:
Looks like I’m a top feeder
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Hung One On said:
And
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Hung One On said:
if
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Hung One On said:
I can
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Hung One On said:
get
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Hung One On said:
three more
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Hung One On said:
I will
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Hung One On said:
bring up the half ton
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Julian said:
Actually I just had a re-read off the conspirators liaison story.
Well not the story, but the comments.
If you read through quickly, it flows quite well. Ha ha.
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Hung One On said:
Hung is bad
Hung is sad
Hung is mad
At Hung
Hung One went over limit
Crashes car while he was in it
Wishes now he didn’t make it
Bad Hung
Bad bad Hung
Hung One don’t know what to do
Hung One well and truly in the poo
Hung One done wung with Tutu too
Bad Hung
Bad bad Hung
Hung One On wants to die
Hung One On wants to cry
Hung One On was once a nice guy
Bad Hung
Bad bad Hung
If Hung One had time over again
Would listen to Tutu more then now and then
Don’t go Hung it’s alright
Just have toast with vegemite
Bad Hung
Bad bad Hung
Things run deep in Hung Ones brain
Almost job and family down the drain
Lucky Hung has Tutu too
She stand by him through and through
Bad Hung
Bad bad Hung
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Julian said:
That was sombre and full of pathos.
Hope things turn out OK, my friend.
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Hung One On said:
Thanks Jules
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theseustoo said:
That goes for me too, Hung… loved the poem!
🙂
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gerard oosterman said:
Yo once more
never a bore
vegemite and cricket
tell’m stick it
Yo once more
come through door
life is fraught
what we’ve been taught.
Yo once more.
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Hung One On said:
Thank you for your kindness. And thanks to all of the Piglets for there kindness and understanding. Hung has told me he will be a good boy from now on.
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Big M said:
HOO, i tried to write a verse, or two.
It’s doggerel, sounds like poo.
Something like:
Hoo sounds blue.
I’ve been there too.
He’s been in strife.
At least he’s got his wife.
Crap, isn’t it?
I’m with JL and GO.
Mark
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Hung One On said:
As you said once before, us male nurses are weird, thanks Mark
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Big M said:
You said it, brother!!
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Voice said:
Sometimes things really suck.
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Anonymously, joked said:
Now don’t go overboard Vwuh!
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Voice said:
Go forth and multiply Julian.
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Anonymously, joked said:
Well you can’t do that sucking! Boom boom!
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Julian said:
Sorry Vor, I have o control over AJ, or Hadron…
Deepest apologies
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Voice said:
I’ll try to get over it Julian.
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Julian said:
A bientot. or whatever..
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Voice said:
A bientot.
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Emmjay said:
Steady, my main man.
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H said:
Sorry to be a potty-mouth, but even I love Gerard dearly, I sometimes tell him: Fuck off! If he hasn’t got his ‘listening things’ on, he replies: What did you say, dearest?
I shout back: FUCK OFF!
ONCE I forgot to be good-mannered, I used the F-word when the littlies were there. They giggled over it endlessly and they still (after three years) remind me about the time when oma was VERY naughty.
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Hung One On said:
Helvi, I cannot image one as sweet and innocent as you swearing?
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Big M said:
I must admit, the one becomes more sensitive about one’s hearing as one ages.
Mrs M and I often have vigorous debates about who is more deaf. She’s losing it in the high frequencies, so can’t hear the bell on the stove, whereas I’m finding it more difficult to hear when there is lot’s of background noise, like at the pub.
It might be the beer?
PS I tried some Pigs Fly Pale Ale. Very nice.
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Emmjay said:
Big, I was suffering the same thing – cannot pick conversation out amongst the general din at our place (many hard surfaces in kitchen / family room). Flight path as we all know, cooking sounds, nearby laundry noise, music or TV background for the cabin boy. So I went for an audiometry test – fearing incipient deafness. Fearing is the right word.
Anyway – it turns out that my hearing is fine. I just live in a noisy noisy world. Recommendation – some soft floor coverings, wall hanging and furniture, and turn off stuff – delay the washing etc until we’re off to bed or going out to work and not using the family room.
It’s working a bit.
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Big M said:
There was a debate amongst audiphiles as to why hifi sounds better at night. There were lot’s of theories about atmospheric pressure, changes in the human ear, power supply having less ripples, etc. It turns out that it’s generally quieter in the evenings!
As for those places, like pubs, with background noise. That noise is generally pretty loud, well over 80dB. So it’s no wonder us old fellers can’t follow the conversation.
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gerard oosterman said:
What did you say?
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Hung One On said:
No not the beer, never. Tutu often says I can’t hear her ask for my credit card when at the shops however she can’t hear me ask for another glass of wine. Obviously it’s is NIHL
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Big M said:
Sounds familiar.
It’s worse when you find the credit card sitting in front of the computer.
That’s nothing to do with hearing loss!!
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Warrigal said:
Storm in a cracked tea cup.
We are none of us here “natural” victims. We’re all fairly thick skinned I’d suggest and it seems pretty obvious to me that the motivation was otherwise than anything here. Unknown circumstances leading to anger, loss of self control and finally brain fugue.
Isn’t it obvious that Hung’s the one hurting here?
The sad thing is that this modality doesn’t really provide for any of us to do any soothing or reassuring, except verbally; and that might not work in this situation.
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Hung One On said:
WM, you have great insight, thanks mate.
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Emmjay said:
Well, it’s a hot steamer of a night here in inner west Cyberia. I’m at work on a presentation for Wednesday, so I’ll have to have a shot of lemon lime and bitters. But for the mates – Trotter’s Ale and a Pink Chaser – all round ! Merv !
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Voice said:
Not for me thanks. I don’t drink with bad drunks.
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Hung One On said:
Thanks Em, milky bars are on me
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Bear Grills said:
I’m in Patagonia.
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Emmjay said:
That’s Tierrable, my old Fuego.
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Hung One On said:
Emm, how do you keep appearing at the bottom?
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Emmjay said:
I’m a bottom feeder.
I dunno. I think sometimes when I get a notification of a comment – and I can reply through the Email as opposed to going back to the pub, it gets put where it gets put. Just like Tony Abbott’s penis. Smuggled in at the bottom.
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Hung One On said:
lol
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Big M said:
So That’s Tony’s problem.
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Emmjay said:
Sorry, this should have appeared as a comment to Bear Grills. One rooted joke now.
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H said:
Hands up all you piglets, who have never behaved badly here or on Unleashed ,where most of us come from?
Don’t be shy Theseustoo, put your hand up. You have earned the Pigs Arms/Unleashed smiley stamp!
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gerard said:
Are we sure that it was not a unique case of cyber Tourettes Syndrome.? The symptoms seem to indicate it was all a bit involuntary, even so, let’s be generous and tolerant and wait for Hungee to appear again. I had a whale of a time. It was also deeply funny.
I know something about those involutary outbursts. It is sometimes brought on a sudden appearance of J.Howard, a particularly long segment on ABC news about cricket. All deeply personal.
Coprolalia is the most socially upsetting symptom of tourettes syndrome and involves the use of obscene words or phrases, however the sufferer is unable to control his or her outbursts. Coprolalia only occurs in approximately 5 – 15% of sufferers but is the most well known symptom of tourettes. This is thought to be due to representations of sufferers in the media, Pig’s arms, and the way they are perceived.
Oh ,fuch you all , there he is, oh fuchwit, of shit und dammerung , the sneering Abbott, weg damit und scheize und ficken endlichkeit, Fuch oh fuchsia.diese Tony.
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Aunt Mary said:
Thank you for your query, Emmjay. What colourful friends you have! If you ask your dear Aunty (which of course you have) your friend the cyberpublican is going to have to, in the nicest but firmest manner possible, tell his good patron to pull his socks up and learn to fly straight! Aunt Mary has known a good many men and even a few women with loose tongues; but I still believe that there is nothing that can be communicated with a singular vulgar epithet that cant be said equally well in a one to five thousand word essay. Profanity is the basest form of intercourse, isn’t it dear nephews and nieces? If your Aunt Mary were to have a heart to heart with this smutty-mouthed patron of the pub I would relate to him the wretched tale of my niece Kay. Kay was at one time well known for her happy-go-lucky spirit, her joie de vive…gay Kay they used to call her at school. Isn’t that lovely? But you know, there was a dark side to young Kay, a side that wasn’t afraid to spit out an profanity laced tirade or two – much like your friend’s patron from the sound of it – and as little gay Kay entered her teen years she began to change in very strange ways. She started wearing nothing but denim pants, flannel shirts and heavy boots. She even cut off all her lovely hair. She got a job as a lighting designer at one of those alternative theatre companies where they do lots of shows in which people swear a lot and call it art. Well, needless to say little gay Kay’s life was never the same after she started swearing like a sailor… and what is worse she never did find a man to share her life with? You see, it is true, dear ones, nobody want to be around a potty-mouth. I think of Kay often and I do miss her gay little ways…in fact, every time I hear someone say that horrible F-word I think of Kay. F-U-C-K? I say, F-U-C-K…tell her I love her.
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Big M said:
Perhaps if it’s a Virtual Fuck?
Oh, the language!!
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Emmjay said:
Welcome to the Pig’s Arms, Aunty – and can I say that you seem to have arrived just in the nick, or should I say the Hung of time.
A friend of mine owns a cyber pub that’s been running for the best part of a year. One of the trusty patrons and a wonderful contributor has gone feral and started to do jive talk and abuse his mates.
My friend is shocked.
Is it ever OK to tell your cyber mates to get fucked ? Would a smilie face be enough to prevent the hurt ?
Emmjay – for an anxious friend…
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