Dear Aunt Mary,

“What do you do when a 35-year-old Sri Lankan (so she said) woman, whom you’ve never seen before in your life, knocks on your door and tells you that she’s looking for a permanent boyfriend and somewhere to live, and that she has her sights firmly set on you?”

Signed,

Opportunity Knocking for Theseustoo.

Aunt Mary has been receiving a number of questions of a sexual nature, such as this one from Nephew Theseustoo.  I have received so many questions (not all thankfully from Theseustoo) that I feel it is time to devote an entire column to what I refer to as “love detours”.

Perhaps some of you think that your dear old Aunt Mary is unqualified to comment on such problems. You may even be convinced Aunt Mary finds such questions shocking; but I assure you she does not. Vulgar and base, yes. Shocking? Not one iota. You see, dear ones, even though Aunt Mary has never known wedded bliss, she is quite intimately familiar with all matters of the heart and loins. During the swinging sixties, dear ones, I was witness to such bacchanalia as would make Hugh Hefner swoon and Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice blush.

I was not however soiled by my experiences because I have always able to remain above the fray, as it were. Think of me as an enigmatic, revolutionary, and obviously brilliant research scientist to whom the messy trials and tribulations of human interaction are simply the disgusting muck at the bottom of my Petri dish. I know you are suffering, dear ones, and if the myriad of questions that currently have flooded my ebox are any indication, the great desperate majority of you out there look to me as a light in the darkness, a bastion of hope, an omniscient purveyor of truth, a vital counterbalance to the excesses of this hyper-sexualized cyber-society known as the 21^st century and I fully intend to be the rock in your  hard, hard place.

My first step in this calling is to bring some solace to my poor misguided nephew Theseustoo. You might ask, Aunt Mary, were you to find yourself in the identical situation to Theseustoo, what you do?

This is a very good question, dear nephews and nieces. One you should ask yourself regularly: what would Aunt Mary do? As a quick aside, I’ve been thinking lately of a simply wonderful idea. I’ve been thinking of making up some Aunt Mary t-shirts, hats, wristbands and the like, emblazoned with my image and likeness and the simple but always poignant message: WWAMD? What Would Aunt Mary Do? Isn’t that lovely?

So, let’s take the WWAMD test right now, shall we?

Just say, for argument sake, that your Aunt Mary was suddenly, without prior warning, to happen upon a young Sri Lankan on her doorstep declaring she has Aunt Mary in her sights. I can tell you without pause what Aunt Mary would do in that situation. She would slam the door shut in her silly Sri Lankan face and set the dogs on the wandering trollop; but (and here’s where Aunt Mary’s sensitivity shines most brightly) I sense, dear Theseustoo, that there is more to your question than you are willing to let on. Am I correct in this assumption, nephew? Could it be that you inspire this kind of spontaneous adoration on a regular basis? Have young women from other nations (Russia perhaps?) appeared at your threshold in the past spouting similar declarations? Have you Theseustoo, in fact been encouraging these innocents abroad into such bold acts as the logical result your own flirtatious messages sent willy-nilly all over the world-wide interweb?

If I am correct in my suspicions and you have used your obvious literary gifts to capture these poor women’s affections, then your Aunt Mary is here to tell you that you must take immediate responsibility for your actions and find some way to make amends. At the very least you should introduce the young lady to a lonely neighbor or, better yet, help her find some new career opportunity. You made the mess, Theseustoo, it’s up to you to clean it up.

Remember this little poem Theseustoo if ever you wonder again about life and love:

The road to love is straight and true,

No detours are required.

If you stray from your right path

It will only leave you tired.

Unless you know for certain this young tea-island girl is your one and only love, Theseustoo, your dear Auntie urges you show some much needed restraint. As I say to all my nephew and nieces: resist love detours at all costs no matter how great the opportunity seems or how appealing the knocker or knockers look.

Until next time, nosce te ipsum, dear ones.

Aunt Mary xxxooo