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Digital Vader by Warrigal Mirriyuula
The mood on the S.S. Julian is sombre. The Kipper was killed in the fighting with the ICCB troops on Zog. This is our first loss and I’m finding it rather difficult to come to terms with the whole thing. We have just held the funeral service for the Kipper and placed him in a can, just like all good Kippers like to be. Dave does a rendition of Don McLean’s Vincent and Jilligan places the Kipper’s favourite hat on top of the can. We all head to the Bats Droppings to have a few pints or so to mourn the loss of our crew member.
Henry, our navcom, informs me that we are being followed by an ICCB ship however it’s not a warship “Blow the zarking thing up” I call through the intercom. “Lord Climate, an ICCB representative wishes to beam aboard, it’s a Lord Algernon, the ICCB’s Business Relationships Manager” says Henry “Tell him to zark off, anyway what business to we have with those dickheads?” I reply in a rather frustrated tone. I’m tired, the gun battle was hard going however what was worse was I had to listen to some Beatles music, yyyyeeeeuck. It was good though watching those ICCB troops running for the hills trying to get there headsets off.
“Sandy” says Michael in his usual Welsh sing-song way “Why don’t we at least listen to what he has to say, could be entertaining.” “Okay then Henry, let him come in, turn the defence shield off and no weapons” I state firmly into the intercom.
We meet in the middle of the green, on top of the wicket actually. “Lord Climate” the creature says “Salutations.” “I know you, you went to school with me at Inner Cyberia, it’s T..” I assert. “Yes it’s me Sandy” interjects Lord Algernon “I no longer go by that name. Yes we had fun didn’t we. The test match in the park every weekend, Glenda coming in off her long run and scaring the shit out of everyone. Remember when Emmjay stood up to Big Willie, boy, he was brave, I mean Big Willie was mean. Went on to become a Hells Angle I believe.” Yes, those were the days, when cricket was fun unlike now, now I’m caught up in an intergalactic cricket war.
“Now I’m sure you didn’t come here to discuss the good old days Lord Algernon, what is it exactly that you want?” I press. “Well, you’ve racked up quite an account with us, a death ball, a dozen or so destroyers and around a million staff dead, yes quite a bill” announces Lord Algernon. “Look mate, I’m on a mission from GOD, I didn’t ask to be drawn into any war and if that stupid Death Ball hadn’t caught us in that detractor beam none of this would have happened.” I reply rather assertively. “GOD you say?” queries Lord Algernon, “Yes, Gordon O’Donnell, the creator of the universe, sent me out into space to report on cricket games.” “You’re working for Gordon?” chokes Lord Algernon “Gee wish I had known that.” Lord Algernon pulls out his phone and makes a call. “Great Sandy” he says “Gordon has said send him the bill care of the Pigs Arms and we are to leave you alone” then vanishes.
Just as Lord Algernon vanished the Death Ball opened fire with its Annihilation Rendered Series Energiser ray destroying the S.S. Julian and all on board. Puts new meaning into the phrase ‘Blow in out your arse’. In fact the strike was so powerful that a cloud of atoms rose into the sky for half a light year. The ruse had worked, the fake call to Gordon was the signal for the Death Ball to fire in one minute.
On the planet Arcup a ripple in the space fabric was felt as they had lost one of their own. On Earth, in the Pigs Arms, everyone stopped momentarily and Astyages looked up into the heavens and muttered “Something bad has happened in the cosmos tonight”
Algernon said:
Seems like Lord Rodent the 1st Earl of Wollstonecraft maybe trying to weasel his way into the ICCCB. Perhaps the cricketers from war torn Crickmanistan could show him the errors of his ways. It could be a troubling time for Lord Algernon and Sandy.
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Hung One On said:
Algy, something bad has happened in the cosmos, Howard and the ICC, c’mon, what are they zarking doing?
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Algernon said:
Well is only redeeming feature is that Test Cricket is the purest form of the game and needs to be preserved. As for him becoming head of the game it just demonstrated the competance of those who run the game doesn’t it.
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Hung One On said:
Sad but true
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nevillecole said:
I will know i have truly arrived when my name get featured in one of these zarking adventures. Just as an FYI I am at my best at silly mid off but I’ve been known to take a nice swing for the fence and am working on a wicked googly.
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Hung One On said:
You’re in Nev, stay tuned
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gerard oosterman said:
Being reasonably well up in foreign languages, am now starting on cricket as a foreign lingo.
I struggled through the A’s and am well up on the B’s.
Please Ho, any mistakes?
A
All-rounder
Appeal (cricket)
Approach (cricket)
Arm ball
B
Back foot contact
Backlift
Baggy green
Bail (cricket)
Batting (cricket)
Batting average
Batting order (cricket)
Beamer (cricket)
Benefit season
Biffer
Blocker (cricket)
Bouncer (cricket)
Bound (cricket)
Boundary (cricket)
Bowl-out
Bowled
Bowler (cricket)
Bowling (cricket)
Bowling action
Bowling analysis
Bowling average
Bye (cricket)
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Hung One On said:
Ball perhaps
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Hung One On said:
and er, um, bat. Other terms that are close could be beer, boofhead, belch, beach ball, banal, boring, Boxing Day.
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David L said:
JHW as Lord Vader…..I just can’t see it. Vader had a certain, charisma, which I’m struggling to attribute to any federal politician, current or in recent memory. Perhaps John Faulkener? “I find your lack of answers disturbing…the project will be finished on time, my Lord Rudd” Although Rudd as the emperor, again a hard ask. They all have such a schoolboyish charm about them.
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H said:
Charm ?? Now I have to try and think if I can find anyone in Aussie politics with charm, just of top my head (suprisingly) two come to mind: Brendan Nelson an Lindsey Tanner…
Any others?
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gerard oosterman said:
What about Penelope Cruz? She has charm and in her latest Almodovar movie of Broken Dreams I saw both of them.
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H said:
So Gez, Penelope can replace both, our Julia, and their Julie !?
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astyages said:
Something bad has happened in the cosmos tonight…
😉
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Julian said:
Couda been worse!
Life’s a piece of shit
When you look at it
Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke, it’s true.
You’ll see it’s all a show
Keep ’em laughing as you go
Just remember that the last laugh is on you.
And always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the right side of life…
(Come on guys, cheer up!)
Always look on the bright side of life…
Always look on the bright side of life…
(Worse things happen at sea, you know.)
Always look on the bright side of life…
(I mean – what have you got to lose?)
(You know, you come from nothing – you’re going back to nothing.
What have you lost? Nothing!)
Always look on the right side of life…
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Hung One On said:
Great movie Jules, one of my favs
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Julian said:
Petronas Towers, in the starry starry night. OK! But SS Julian??
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Mirriyuula said:
I was reading the news this morning and it appears that Darth Turd’s appointment as President elect came after quite some time with the selection committee being deadlocked, two kiwis to two aussies. The kiwi candidate has 12 years experience working within the ICC and is well thought of and respected for his extensive knowledge and acumen. Most importantly he has a superb relationship with the subcontinentals. I would have thought this an essential qualification given the power of the Indian game and cricket audience at this time. All cricket pundits thought so too and thought the kiwi a shoo in.
But apparently Darth Turd’s team, maneuvering in the background, white anted the kiwi and the gig went to the Turd.
Toady, almost immediately after the announcement of President elect Turd’s appointment, several senior Indian players have come out saying that they’ll wait and see but they won’t be holding their breath. It seems they remember all to well Turd’s old school racism and the difficulty in the Australian Indian relationship during the Turd’s premiership.
Has the ICC shot itself in the foot?
Well it was ever going to be thus.
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Hung One On said:
yo
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gerard oosterman said:
I know, I know.
Is it of any consolation that Jeanette will be in charge of the sao’s and the gherkin wrapped in ham? She just loves sticking the toothpick through the gherkin.
Anyway, is it also not true that cricket deserves him? (Sorry yo.)
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Hung One On said:
My relationship with cricket has just died, RIP, vale.
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Warrigal said:
This was their darkest hour.
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Hung One On said:
Was the borscht nice? Tutu and I used to make gazpacho once upon a time, lovely summer soup. As for the chairman, well, I think we can put him in a place that no one will find him.
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H said:
…what Borscht, none left for me, only dirty dishes!
I used to make gazpacho, it was fashionable for a while to eat cold soup, sadly Gez wanted to heat it up, something about liking things hot…
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H said:
Hey Hung, is it possible to keep the new Chairman in the space for ever?
When I saw him entering the spaceship ‘Julian’ in his WAZ designed outfit, I suddenly developed angel-like wings and I flew back to earth to Gez’ great suprise, my house smelled of Borscht, so now I’m curious about who is hiding in the walk-in…
PS. I don’t think Johnny likes the Beatles, I believe he’s more of Pat Boone bloke.
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Hung One On said:
Oops, that was supposed to be below. Believe it or not I was once a Beatles fan, not now though, my favorite track was Dear Prudence.
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Emmjay said:
Here comes the sun !
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H said:
yo, yo, yo…..
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