Tags
So, here we are, out in deep space. We have left the Milky Way and are on our way to Andromeda, to a planet called Missen. Belinda and I spent last night in the Cruel Room getting acquainted with our destination. For those of you new to The Father O’Way Chronicles, the Cruel Room resides in the Manor. When you sit on the chairs the walls, floors and ceilings disappear and the computer simulates the surrounding space outside the ship so you feel as though you are sitting on the ships hull. At first it’s spooky but you get used to it and it becomes fun.
Our contacts on Missen are Hardy Cocksure and his long time girlfriend Pussy Couscous. Hardy and Pussy run a cricket competition on the island of Flong which is in the southern hemisphere of Missen. Rumour has it that the island is called Flong because it’s long and narrow and the first people to arrive, got off the boat and mumbled “This is a effing long island” hence Flong however another theory has been postulated that Flong is the sound of a partly decomposed bean hitting porcelain.
I call Neville, the navcom, to make sure he knows where he is going “Neville respond” I say authoritatively into the intercom. “Neville here Lord Climate” says Neville. “Neville, do you want a route?” I ask casually. “I beg your pardon” replies an indignant navcom, “Did you say a root?” “Yes Neville, a route” I reply in rather annoyed tone, feeling that this conversation is going nowhere. “Well Sandy, I mean, I hardly know you plus this man on man thing is not really for me”. Oh, for zark sake, has this navcom got the stupid gene or what? “No, not a root as in having sex with, a route as in, you know, directions?” I assert. “Sorry Sandy but I’m blushing at the moment and no I don’t want a ro.., er, directions” Gees, that’s all I need, a navcom that doesn’t have a body who blushes, space, never ceases to amaze.
It will take weeks to get to Missen so Belinda and I head off to the snowfield for a holiday. Jilligan picks us up from the river port in the S.S. Nimmow. GO, the artist droid, comes along as he wants to paint some pictures of the mountain range and Helvi, well, she’s our body guard. It’s a cold morning in the bio and mist is rising off the river as we head upstream. The river generates the electricity to run the ship so once it starts flowing the ship remains powered indefinitely.
After a scrumptious breakfast on the deck we head inside as we approach one of the tubes. After last time I don’t feel like being knocked unconscious. The tubes are made of a clear material and connect the bios together. The new Nimmow is bigger and more streamlined and seems more powerful. “This seems faster Jilligan, has it got a new motor?” I ask semi-interestedly. “Certainly has” says Jilligan “Come below and I’ll show it to you” Oh shit, why does everyone assume that just because you are a bloke that you will be interested in motors? “This is called the BEAN engine Sandy, beautiful hey?” Well no, only to the mentally challenged, which clearly Jilligan meets the essential criteria and another zarking acronym. Putting on my watching-paint-dry voice I ask the obvious “BEAN Jilligan, what’s that mean?” “Well Sandy” launches Jilligan, just like a little school kid that gets one to many Easter eggs “BEAN stands for Bean Emissions Accelerator Nexus. See you put a 420 can of Heinz Baked Beans in Tomato Sauce in here, then super bugs from the MBL break the beans down, the gas is then connected in a series to the turbine which then blows it out the back passage” grins Jilligan, sort of mocking but not quite. Hmmm, blowing gas out the back passage after digesting beans, somehow I know what the designer was thinking. “MBL, now hang on we are not letting baseball take over in this book old chum” I state “No Sandy, MBL stands for Mythical Biological Laboratory”. Complex fiction indeed.
astyages said:
Oh, I did see VoR today, over at Unleashed, but not on a blog I wanted to comment on… been spending too much time on the anti-atheist blogs.
Big M, did you leave any comments at all? Were you in disguise?
🙂
LikeLike
Voice said:
Hi T2, just time for a brief dip into the WWW.
LikeLike
Big M said:
No disguise.
It was me, inserting my oar.
Didn’t see VoR.
LikeLike
Voice said:
Oh, I thought I said hi earlier today T2 but my comment vanished into cyberspace with the Minnow. Just dropped into WWW world briefly. Probably I wrote this comment on another PA page and I’ll look like a right dork. Oh well. Can’t stay long.
LikeLike
Emmjay said:
Hung, wonderful stuff. The Effing Long Island got me. Priceless !
LikeLike
Hung One On said:
Thank you your worship
LikeLike
Algernon said:
More double entendres than an episode of “Are you being served” Hung. Well done.
LikeLike
Hung One On said:
Cheers Algy, glad you are enjoying it
LikeLike
nevillecole said:
Ha…i can see how the Navcom got confused. when i first arrived in the US as a high school student I used to take great delight in asking girls “who do you root for?” and asking the lady at the school store if they sold rubbers. she would always looked shocked for a moment and then I’d hold up a pencil and say “yeah, my rubber is all worn out.”
LikeLike
Hung One On said:
Yes, local expressions are strange. Tutu and I saw The Blind Side yesterday which by the way I tought was an excellent film. In one part Michael says to SJ “So your mamma roots for anyone against Tennesse”.
Many years ago I worked with a doctor from Malaysia and taught him the expression “Fair dinkum” which he loved and used everywhere he went.
LikeLike
Big M said:
HOO,
We had a Chinese doctor who used to ask all of the nurses where, or, what ‘buggery’ was.
LikeLike
Emmjay said:
One gets the impression that he’d been told, Big.
LikeLike
Big M said:
I went to a lecture by an American paediatrician, who’d been to Australia many times before. Completely straight-faced he opened the talk with a statement that he wouldn’t mention the word ‘root’, because, in most countries, it had something to do with trees, in complete contrast to what the word meant here.
LikeLike
Hung One On said:
Thanks Ace. Yes, beans are powerful things and infact it was your idea to get the Nimmow into orbit powered by beans which might appear in the next few chapters.
Voice doesn’t like my writings as they aren’t girlie enough and as like all programmers of computers they all lack some real personality.
Julian went to the Isle of Wight however has been spotted on Unleashed as Hadron however won’t answer emails from me since I said “Fuck off Pom” Some people are just so thin skinned.
Ato won’t come back and has his own reasons which are unknown to me however if the greek dickhead is reading this “Get back here you arsehole” wouldn’t go astray, not that I am one to be verbally abusive like, know what I mean. 🙂
LikeLike
theseustoo said:
Who you? Verbally abusive? No way Hung; you’re the soul of discretion!
I mean, who could possibly take offence to as friendly a greeting as, ‘Fuck off Pom!’?
Now I think I’m gunna sign up with the cathos…
Actually, if you’ve been following Unleashed, you’ll know that Hadron and I have exchanged a few comments on some of the anti-atheist blogs…
I’ve actually posted a really quite good analysis of ‘Lord of the Flies’ there, ’cause it pissed me off when one of the religious types attempted to interpret this wonderful piece of literature as a pro-christian work, when it’s clearly a pro-atheist piece.
But Voice hasn’t posted anything; not even a ‘g’day’ to Emmjay, in ages! Wonder if she’s been sucked into the ‘Pool’? But I suppose she’s probably just taking a break, like we all seem to need, once in a while…
I’m a bit pissed off that my camera battery had run down when I got to Paula’s party on Saturday; I wanted to post some shots of her boys’ pet snakes… beautiful critters… Oh well! Maybe next time.
😉
LikeLike
Hung One On said:
How did the jam go? I am getting motivated and have started some gentle practise.
LikeLike
astyages said:
As I said on another post, Hung, the gig went very well… Glad to hear you’re practising a bit; keep it up… Still looking forward to our jam…
🙂
LikeLike
Big M said:
The height of fun over easter has been the god-botherers vs atheist, or, ‘neo-atheist’, like some sort of neonazi, you know, shaven heads, making a racket. this has been a diversion to the ‘paedophile priest baby sitting service’.
No, I’m lying, the height of easter was you bastards at the pigs. Pints all round!!!
LikeLike
Hung One On said:
Why thank you Big M, a pint sounds good. Are you sure the word bastard is appropriate? I mean some might find it offensive, not me though, just a humble servant here to please
LikeLike
Big M said:
I meant ‘bastard’ in the as a term of mateship. No offence intended.
LikeLike
astyages said:
Cheers Big M… no worries, mate; even though I’m a to-and-from I learned long, long ago, that ‘bastard’ was simply the Australian word for ‘bloke’; same as ‘sheila’ is Ozzie for female.
😉
LikeLike
Big M said:
Sorry, that made no grammatical sense. Thanks. Astyages, yes ‘sheila’ or ‘potato peeler’, are terms of affection, just like ‘bastard’.
One of my colleagues, now retired, used to call me the ‘bone idle, good for nothing, couldn’t get a real job, purse carrying nancy boy, poofter male nurse’. I think that was a term of affection, too!
LikeLike
H said:
Gez’ brother used to call his wife a porker. She was of average weight, so it was obviously not a put down, but a term of an endearment.
She was good-natured and giggled when he slapped her thighs and enquired; how’s it going porker.
Gez has always been more civilized and called me ‘pikku’ the little one’ in Finnish, even I’m not much shorter than he, and he’s tall.
LikeLike
Hung One On said:
Big M, yo (Actually only joking) 🙂
LikeLike
Big M said:
Ha Ha HOO.
‘Yo’ to you too!
LikeLike
astyages said:
Nice story again Hung; and it’s good to see you writing again…
You see how much more twisted your imagination is than mine? You imagine a bean-powered engine; I would have done something quite different, like a spacewalk by all bean-fed crew-members in specially modified spacesuits, to the rear of the ship, where, pointing their rears into the void in the opposite direction from the one they wanted to go in, they all emit bean-powered ‘propulsion jets’… but this really IS just too far-fetched, don’t you think?
🙂
BTW has anyone seen Voice lately; first atomou, then Julian and now Voice has disappeared… haven’t seen her in days…
LikeLike