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Warning: The following article is rated MA15+. It contains,
Drug references
A sex scene
Humour
Total stupidity
Sandy here. The Bish wants me to go to Bali and put in a good word for my mate Shappy. Shappy has lodged an appeal for clemency with the President. Shappy feels hard done by for getting 20 years jail for a tiny bit of dope in her bag, well okay, a couple of kilos, well 4.2kg to be precise.
As usual I bribe the guards with some suspicious white powder and Pigs Arms T-shirts, I mean, who wouldn’t want a Pigs Arms t-shirt? Hint, hint. I am led to a room with some tables and chairs and Shappy is sitting at a table.
“Hi Shappy, you’re looking well?”
“Hmm, hmm, oh, yes, yes, yes oh my god, hmm, hmm, hmm, more, more, yes, yes, yes. Hmm, hmm, oh, yes, yes, yes oh my god, hmm, hmm, hmm, more, more, yes, yes, yes.”
“Shappy what are you doing?” I ask totally bewildered. “I’m giving you a hmm job Father, I mean, isn’t that what all men want, hmm jobs?” relates Shappy. “But Shappy, all you are doing is sitting at a table and making sounds” I inform rather perplexed. “But yes Father, this is paper sex and sex sells, you want this story to sell right? So you can become rich and famous, don’t you?” hmms Shappy. “Paper sex?” I exclaim. “Yes, Father, it’s a new trend, its safe and you can have it whenever you want. So what you do is type on the screen what you want to happen and yeah, there it is, like you’re about to put up some inverted comma’s and say says Shappy” says Shappy.
“So Shappy, you have made an appeal to the President Sussudio BangBang Yodelyokoono?” I inquire. “Hmm, yes, I’ll give him a hmm job, I’m sure he’ll let me out, Hmm, hmm, oh, yes, yes, yes oh my god, hmm, hmm, hmm, more, more, yes, yes yes.”
[Insert explicit sex scene here]
I leave the poor estranged figure of Shappy and interview a senior official at Kerobokan prison, Maid In Sardinia. “Maid, mate, I believe if Shappy observes prison regulations, she could be out in a little over four years?” “Well Sandy” replies Maid “yes, no, maybe.” I take a large envelope out of my jacket pocket displaying the glistening notes of cash “Well Sandy” beams Maid “Lets make that three years, nudge, nudge, wink, wink, know what I mean!”
I leave the prison and head for the President’s palace. “So Sussudio, mate, are you going to let Shappy out early?” I ask knowing you are all waiting with baited breath for the answer’. “Well Sandy, yes, no, maybe.”
So I rings the Bish. “Bish, its Sandy. Look mate she as mad as a cut snake. Oh and did you like the Phil Collins and Yoko Ono gag?” “Sandy you just get that girl zarking home, you com-pre-hen-day?” roars the Bish. “Me and Basil Sauce have money riding on this.” Bloody Basil Sauce, the local pasta at the opposition, him and the Bish, always betting with each other. And those others that have now become involved, you know, Cab Ornara, Put Tenessca and Chee Can Curry. Think I might have to go back into space.
astyages said:
Where’s Wally?
😉
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Hung One On said:
We will have to ask the artist.
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Warrigal said:
The artist “is” Wally. (……..or is that the artist is “a” wally…..)
I am Spartacus!!
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Vivienne said:
Hmm hmm hmm.
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Hung One On said:
Hmm?
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Vivienne said:
Just trying out this safe sex method.
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Hung One On said:
lol 🙂
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H said:
I looked at the picture…but my mum did not let me read the story…I’ll ‘aks’ daddy…
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sandshoe said:
… someone needs to let H know some kid’s stolen her identity.
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nevillecole said:
Hey Sandy…let’s meet up somewhere remote and exotic for drinks sometime and raise some hell.
Neville (somewhere near Nairobi)
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sandshoe said:
you gotta play nice neville…
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sandshoe said:
what I mean, neville, is that all the sandy’s should be invited to meet up with you somewhere remote and exotic for drinks sometime and raise some hell, and everybody else too neville … pooh to you two if you two leave any of us here 🙂
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sandshoe said:
you too HOO. 🙂
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Hung One On said:
Certainly Neville. Looks like we will have some company.
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sandshoe said:
LOL. I don’t care. 🙂
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Hung One On said:
yo
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Hung One On said:
Thank you Hung. Your compliment is accepted and appreciated.
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Big M said:
I’m astounded Sandy managed to interview Shappy without any tourists watching her eat, or taking a s%^&, or, whatever tourists watch her do.
MMMmm paper sex, very medieval.
You’re a funny young man, Hungy.
Oh, yes, and the Phil Collins reference.
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Hung One On said:
Mark,
You can just see it now
Sue Sue Sissudio
Oh ho
Bang Bang
Yodel
Yoko Ono
Cheers
Mark
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Big M said:
It all just rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it?
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Hung One On said:
Yes
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Lehan Ramsay said:
That was really good.
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Hung One On said:
Thanks Lehan, as I have said below I had lots of fun writing it
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Algernon said:
“Kerobokan prison”, bit like “a holiday in Cambodia” I suspect.
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Hung One On said:
Royal National Park?
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Algernon said:
Something about Pol Pot and Dead Kennedys
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Hung One On said:
Sunday afternoon?
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sandshoe said:
Lazy, wasn’t that?
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Hung One On said:
A very nice tune. 🙂
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Algernon said:
Any yodeling?
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Hung One On said:
Piglets,
This is for you,
“inverted comma’s and say says Shappy” says Shappy.
A mathematical repetition in English?
When I discovered it, I was overwhelmed.
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sandshoe said:
Did you cry or laugh aloud (a lot) or get up and get yourself a pink drink?
An ‘ “O, I deserved that one, like you’re about to put some inverted commas up ‘says Hung’ ” says Hung. ‘ 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂
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Hung One On said:
All of the above 🙂
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sandshoe said:
One of the funniest, cleverest, smartest, smuggest, fantasically crafted, up up upper laugh-laden pieces I have ever read and I am going to read it over and over. All very well for the likes of us who understand the sub-text. 🙂
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Hung One On said:
Thank you shoe, sometimes Sandy is a bit of a rogue 🙂
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Hung One On said:
Hey shoe,I actually had a lot of fun writing this piece, so thanks. 🙂
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sandshoe said:
yo
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sandshoe said:
I actually think yo yo when I’m excited.
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Hung One On said:
Thank you for your compliment.
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Emmjay said:
Vintage Father O’Way.
Phil Collins and Yoko Ono – in a one-sentence joke . Tops.
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Hung One On said:
Cheers Boss
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