Story by Hung One On and Digital Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula
Hey. Hi. How are you? Sandy here, you know Sandy O’Way your local parish priest. Look I’ll cut to the chase. I need to get my word count up otherwise the Bish will kill me so I will be chucking in a few more words in this article, you know, like, words, words and more words. Wow, 50 words already, who said I’m an idiot.
Anyhoo, look, by the way that’s my second look, the Bish wants me to report on the State of Oregon that is about to be played between two teams, how interesting [groan]. But look, hey my third look, why does the Bish want to know about a state in America but look, okay, let’s take a look.
The State of Oregon is the 33rd state of the USA with a population of almost 4 million.
[ Okay. Stop right there Sandy. Hung here, look, I told you State of Origin, you know, football and the big decider coming up on the 4th July. You know mate I would call you and idiot but that would be an insult to idiots, now get on with it.]
Bloody hell. Did Hung get out of the wrong side of the bed or what but look I was enjoying the story so far. Now I have to write about football, ewww, yuck.
So look, hmm another look, I slip some security guards some suspicious white powder that they think is drugs but is really talcum powder to get an interview with the coaches. Boy, I can’t wait to see the faces of those stupid guards when they start sticking talc up their noses.
The two coaches are Ricky Poofart for the New South Wales Blues and Mal Meningitis for the Queensland Morons. I start with Ricky.
“So Ricky” I ask on the front foot just to let this guy know that I am a footy expert “Who’s going to win the upcoming game of Collingwood versus Manly?” That will stump him.
“Well I’m sorry Father but those teams play in different competitions” Ricky informs.
“Oh, so there is more than one competition?” I ask not knowingly.
“Well yes Father. Collingwood play Aussie Rules but Manly play the real game, Thugby League.” Ricky informs.
Darn. I was hoping for some inside information so I could make a killing down at FabSportsBet. I’ll throw another curly one at him. “What about the clash of the Saints, you know, Saint George verus Saint Kilda?”
“No Father. They are separate games with separate rules. They play on a big oval and we have referees and they have umpires” informs Ricky.
“Yes, yes, of course” I twaddle looking for another gag. “Yes, Ricky, I hear you are ecstatic about the umpires, oops, I mean referees? I probe.
“It’s always their fault that we lose” Ricky spurts, on his feet now and frothing at the mouth. He grabs me around the throat “The referees are always wrong and we are always right that’s what makes them so wrong and us so right and if we lose it’s rigged” spews Ricky.
“Look Ricky, chill man. So you are called the Blues. I love the blues, you know George Thorogood, Stevie Ray Vaughan that sort of thing” I enquire meekly, fearing for my life.
“The Blues is the colour of our jumper Father, er, um, sorry about the strangle hold.”
Hmm. I dust myself off and head to the next interview with Mal Meningitis, the coach of the Queensland Morons.
“So Mal, I mean Big Mal” hmm, big, M, couldn’t be. I ask the obvious “ So big Mal, you don’t live in Newcastle do you?”
“No Father. I am a true Queenslander. I live in Canberra” Mal replies.
“So Mal, are you are you going to beat those southern hicks, the Blues?” I ask.
“Don’t you worry about that” Mal replies “Look I have just finished making some pumpkin scones, replaced the faded curtains and fed the chooks, so don’t you worry about that Father”
Gordon zarking O’Donnell, what have we here. “Well Mal, have you ever thought about a career in politics?” I state rather dryly.
“Well Father, yes, no, maybe.” Mal states. Hey, maybe we do have something in common after all.
“Look Mal, I’m a fictitious character on a piece of paper that appears on a website called the Pigarms. What state of origin would I fit into?” I ask rather forlornly, you know, that feeling of not belonging.
“Well Father, by reading some of your stories I think you would fit into the Mental Health state” states Mal.
Yes, finally, I can cheer for my team, the state of Mental Health but I wonder which competition do they play in?
“So Mal, how do you feel about the referees?” I ask trying to hide my complete boredom.
“Look Father” says Mal “You pay them enough money and you get the result you want. In fact the State Premier, Camp Bellnewman, supports gay marriage.”
“I’m sorry Mal but I don’t get what you mean” I state innocently.
“Well look” says Mal “come over sweetie here and I’ll give you a kiss and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.”
Look, someone get me outta here.
[PS: I would like to thank the word look that appeared over 19 times and did nothing for the story at all except improve my word count.]
Hung One On said:
I thank you all for your comments and appreciation of the absurdity of the good Father. Without Warrigal I wouldn’t be any where near as good. Thanks again to you all and to the good man Warrigal.
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Hung One On said:
And I must mention Mike Jones, my hero. Mike invented Farther O’Way and gives me the assignments. I always refer to him in my stories as the Bish, Bishop Bishop. Without Mike and Warrigal I would be very poor indeed.
Please enjoy my stories as nothing but pure escapism. A laugh when sometimes all around is sad.
Thank you
Mark
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Therese Trouserzoff said:
Thank you for the kind words, Hungy ! Father O’Way was born of the simple idea that tricky and complex situations are best fixed through the same mechanism that so often causes them – miscommunication and a fair dose of silliness.
My dear friend Hung seizes the opportunity and as Neville Cole so aptly put it, recreates Spike Milligan in the Pig’s Arms. Hip Hip Hurrah !
I would also like to say how grateful I am for Waz’s great digital mischief and visual lunacy. Three cheers and best wishes for accelerating recovery !
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astyages said:
BTW, Oregon looks nice…
🙂
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sandshoe said:
Itz awl bewdifel. Jus like eye rememba ole Father O’Way. Itty bitty sacriligeous but bewdifel.
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astyages said:
Well… you certainly made your word count… congratulations on a very wordy document; I praise your prolixity.
And it’s good to see you’ve begun to engage with your readers again… welcome back!
🙂
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Hung One On said:
Thanks T2, getting there slowly 🙂
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Lehan Ramsay said:
I think the rugby would win the first few games, until the australian rules learnt how to avoid being run down by them. The state of health players would be sent to the bench all the time, being considered delicate. No time to get into the game.
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Hung One On said:
Me neither
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gerard oosterman said:
Like magic, the moment I started reading your tale, my worst ever fracking cougfing flu, slinked away. Wonderful word order Hung. I finally took the advice and had my flu shot a few months away and look what happened….?
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Hung One On said:
Hi praise indeed. Helvi just told me over at the Drum that you are a professional lefty. Nice.
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helvityni said:
Hung, Hung, gez is the lefty and Alan Kohler is the professinal one…maybe I wasn’t too clear about it 🙂 I have to say i like people with a sense of humour, Alan has it, Uhlmann doesn’t 🙂
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helvityni said:
professional
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nev cole said:
Look…I want to say….I like all your words…especially the funny puns. Look…I said all the words I want to say…
ps Do ellipses count in the word count?
nev
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Hung One On said:
Look…I hope so…Nev
Cheers Mark
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algernon1 said:
Why thank you HOO, another fine effort. I assume Ricky Poofart is related to Whinge Stewaart
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Hung One On said:
Yes
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Therese Trouserzoff said:
I think Ricky Poofart is the funniest name pisstake ever. It’s quintessential schoolboy toilet humour – at it’s most wonderful ! Best, Hung !
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Hung One On said:
Its phonetic to a degree Stew art = Poo Fart. Toilet humour has never been my strong point but I love this reference
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vivienne29 said:
Back in top form. Great stuff. Will re-read later as recovering hubby is watching The Killing from our tapes and is not the right background for a proper laugh.
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Hung One On said:
Thanks Viv 🙂
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helvityni said:
Thanks Hung, for the laughs…you can never laugh too much, your story is a ray of sunshine among all the political, and on-line ugliness…I agree with VL, put Assange in a leaky boat…what about Brendan O’Neill thinking that Leveson enquiry is WEIRD…
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helvityni said:
inquiry
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algernon said:
Where is VL, appears to have the Tom Tits at the moment.
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astyages said:
I dunno either Algae… maybe he’s fallen down that trapdoor he’s always on about…
😉
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algernon said:
Perhaps its a long walk of the dogs…. :p
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Hung One On said:
Brendan O’Neill = Hypocrite
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astyages said:
‘Course ‘e is! ‘E wears one o’ those dog-collar thingoes dunn’ee?
😉
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Big M said:
Oim prowdatheboys, they played ‘ard, done good, but the best team one on the day!
(Of course the best f^%$ing team one on the day, that’s whu they were the best team!!).
Thanks for the ‘M’ reference, I really enjoyed it, sans kiss.
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Hung One On said:
You are welcome brother
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Big M said:
Won, not one…
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Mark said:
No, one not won sister
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Hung One On said:
One not won suits me
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