Tags
Emmjay, Foodge, Inspector Rouge, O'Hoo, rabbits, Switzerland
Merv had really started to relax. Janet’s new hearing aids had done wonders for his sleep, after the first few nights when she woke up screaming because the twins were crying (she’d never heard them at night, before). Now the little buggers were starting to sleep through. He guessed that they were just crying for their mum all along. Merv and Granny had been back at boxing training. He wasn’t back in top form, but was enjoying himself. He’d even followed Foodge’s advice and enrolled in a course ‘For Old People What Can’t Read Proper’, as Merv liked to say. Merv ran the cloth across the bar for the umpteenth time that morning, catching a few extra droplets of Trotter’s best, human hair, and the occasional drop of blood from last night.” Can I pour a drink for you, young sir?” Foodge had wandered in for his ‘elevenses’.
“Oh, well…err…. ah, I don’t mind if I do.” replied Foodge, as he wedged a plump cheek on the nearest stool (Foodge hadn’t been training, and the Paleo diet had been taken over by wedges, sour cream, bum nuts on toast and ‘mata’ sauce). Foodge had been helping Merv with his homework, and had a few good tips, such as, keeping the ‘g’ at the end of ‘ing’ words, and not using ‘youz’ as the plural of’ you’. Merv felt like he was quite ‘plumb in the mouth.’
“Have you managed to visit O’Hoo, yet?” Enquired Merv, as he filled a tiny glass with cold green tea for Foodge.
“He’s in Switzerland, or Norway, or is it Sweden?”
“No, Foodge, he’s in rehab, after his liver transplant, transplant. You were here when Emmjay was telling everyone.” Emmjay had spent an entire day quoting on the provision of WiFi, as Merv had seen this as the missing piece in the Boutique Brewery/Pub he had always envisioned. In the end it was going to cost too much to install, and even more to run, ‘just so a pack of ponces can sit around with their laptops and iPads.’ Of course, the 800-inch plasma TV remained.
“So, Emmjay flew to Switzerland?” Foodge was still convinced that O’Hoo was in some exotic continental sanatorium.
“Yes, mate, that’s right, flew to Switzerland for the arvo.” Merv shook his head. “Anyhoo, excuse the pun.” Merv leant forward to speak sotto voce. “Do you think you might find time to proof read me essay?” Merv surreptitiously slipped an A4 page across the bar.
Foodge was already wearing his black framed reading glasses that he had purchased at a new boutique they called ‘Vinnie’s’. “Oh, this is an unexpected honour…thirsty work, though” A glass canoe instantly appeared at Foodge’s elbow. “Is this a response to a set question?
Merv was even quieter than sotto voce. “We had to write about a childhood fear.”
Foodge burst out laughing. “Rabbits…scared of rabbits!!” As he scanned the page.
“Shh.” A red-faced Merv pounced out from behind the bar. “Sir may feel more comfortable here.” As he manhandled Foodge into an ancient, cracked Chesterfield, in front of the disused fireplace. “If you can just shut up, I’ll get you a day ticket to bloody Switzerland.”
Foodge had no idea of the level of embarrassment that he had caused Merv. His mind had already wandered to Swiss clinics, with Swiss nurses, and Swiss timepieces, and Swiss banks, and, of course, Swiss drinks near Swiss fireplaces after a day of Swiss alpineering. “S’pose I’ll need a new passport.” Merv had already gone back to his station by the bar. “Mr Merv, I suppose there aren’t any leftover wedges, or bacon, or eggs from breakfast?”
“Might be.” Merv knew that there would be because Granny had a soft spot for the occasional private dick, but she never let on. She treated Foodge with the same contempt as most people.
Foodge had taken his proof reading quite seriously, and had noted a couple of spelling and grammatical errors in blue pencil. When he put the paper down, he thought to himself. “Those rabbits really can be quite scary.” His musing was interrupted by a plate of wedges, eggs, bacon, and another glass canoe of Best. “Thanks Merv. This story is rather well constructed. You should receive a good mark.”
Merv quickly took the paper back, with a slight shiver. “Those bloody rabbits.” He thought.
It was Merv’s turn to have musings interrupted. The voice from the giant plasma droned on. “…And our continuing story of pleece corruption, Detective Chief Inspector Rouge is still at large, as we have been reliably informed is disgraced detective O’Hoo. The Pleece Commishnar has just announced a ten thousand dollar reward for information leading to the alleged whereabouts, of either, or both, or one individual of the pair.”
Big M said:
I woke this afternoon to find this little story on the blackboard in the back hall near the ‘Gents’, and, of course, your kind comments.
Helvi, Granny is still keen on ‘boxin’ trainin”, as she boxed in her youth. No one ever lays a glove on her, so she’s in no fear of osteoporotic fractures.
Foodge had tried the Paleo diet (no grains or dairy) but came unstuck when it came to the no alcohol part.
LikeLike
Big M said:
Talking about dicks, did you all see that Richard Brier passed away last night?
LikeLike
sandshoe said:
http://www.deadline.com/2013/02/r-i-p-richard-briers/
LikeLike
helvityni said:
I think Big M has got Oz speak to a tee…Many LOLs there…
LikeLike
Therese Trouserzoff said:
Granny having a soft spot for private dicks was the killer joke IMHO.
LikeLike
gerard oosterman said:
While granny has a soft spot for private dicks, not so, when it comes to spotted dick. She has certain levels of hygiene to hold up. Mind you, she is vey kind and will consider a bit of light hand relief.
LikeLike
algernon1 said:
Is that like toad in the hole?
LikeLike
sandshoe said:
I found a need to laugh so urgently I spat out bits of the lovely freshly picked apple cucumber I was eating.
LikeLike
sandshoe said:
Market Square by A. A. Milne
I had a penny,
A bright new penny,
I took my penny
To the market square.
I wanted a rabbit,
A little brown rabbit,
And I looked for a rabbit
‘Most everywhere.
For I went to the stall where they sold sweet lavender
(“Only a penny for a bunch of lavender!”).
“Have you got a rabbit, ‘cos I don’t want lavender?”
But they hadn’t got a rabbit, not anywhere there.
I had a penny,
And I had another penny,
I took my pennies
To the market square.
I did want a rabbit,
A little baby rabbit,
And I looked for rabbits
‘Most everywhere.
And I went to the stall where they sold fresh mackerel
(“Now then! Tuppence for a fresh-caught mackerel!”).
“Have you got a rabbit, ‘cos I don’t like mackerel?”
But they hadn’t got a rabbit, not anywhere there.
I found a sixpence,
A little white sixpence.
I took it in my hand
To the market square.
I was buying my rabbit
I do like rabbits),
And I looked for my rabbit
‘Most everywhere.
So I went to the stall where they sold fine saucepans
(“Walk up, walk up, sixpence for a saucepan!”).
“Could I have a rabbit, ‘cos we’ve got two saucepans?”
But they hadn’t got a rabbit, not anywhere there.
I had nuffin’,
No, I hadn’t got nuffin’,
So I didn’t go down
To the market square;
But I walked on the common,
The old-gold common…
And I saw little rabbits
‘Most everywhere!
So I’m sorry for the people who sell fine saucepans,
I’m sorry for the people who sell fresh mackerel,
I’m sorry for the people who sell sweet lavender,
‘Cos they haven’t got a rabbit, not anywhere there!
LikeLike
astyages said:
What a lovely poem ‘Shoe!
LikeLike
sandshoe said:
It was in one of AA Milne’s anthologies of the two ‘Now I am 5’ and ‘When I was Six’ that were my little books when I was that age. Gorgeous isn’t it, asty.
LikeLike
astyages said:
Indeed… makes me wish everything in life were as simple…
LikeLike
helvityni said:
Wot, why is gran doing boxing training…poor thing, her bones will break…and what the hell is Paleo diet?
I like the idea of a course for Old People What Can’t Read Proper…don’t ya think some of youz young ones could join in…
You is writin funnily, lolz, Big M
LikeLike
sandshoe said:
‘For Old People who Can’t Read Proper’ is up there for me, H, with ‘After Hello, What Next’ … that title given commonly to communication skills courses for adult learners. 🙂
LikeLike
helvityni said:
shoe, shoe…it’s Old People WHAT Can’t Read Proper… you talks too proper like shoe, you is posh…
LikeLike
sandshoe said:
I think it, h, too posh and my little piglet tail stuck up… 🙂
LikeLike
helvityni said:
Good one, shoe, you little Johny come lately piglet 🙂
LikeLike
gerard oosterman said:
What a fascinating insight in the going ons at the bar of the well informed. It just shows that no matter where we are, it all comes down to us being human with fear of rabbits more common than generally thought.
My family is still in trauma after the haute cuisine culinary introduction to them years ago.
LikeLike
Mick Jones said:
Gez, some dude on the TV reported that he was afraid of rabbits because they always look like they are about to speak but they never do. Like they have second thoughts about letting the cat out of the bag, so to speak.
LikeLike
sandshoe said:
Unlikely he meant ones of the sort to which Gez admits. Never can tell. I guess a grey dead cooked one speaking would cause a flutter tho’.
LikeLike