Neville Cole
On the first day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
a Partridge in a Pear Tree.
The cat ate the partridge and the pear tree lost all its leaves overnight.
On the second day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
2 Turtle Doves
Both of which the cat is eyeing hungrily.
On the third day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
3 French Hens
I think they are French. One is wearing a tiny beret.
On the fourth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
4 Calling Birds
Enough with the birds! There’s bird shit, feathers and bits of wing all over the living room. The cat is so fat she can barely stand.
On the fifth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
5 Golden Rings
I was excited until one of the “golden” rings turned my finger green.
On the sixth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
6 Geese a Laying
Oh boy, my true love is really getting on my nerves now! Hello, I live in an apartment!
On the seventh day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
7 Swans a Swimming
There are currently seven swans a swimming in my bathtub and six geese a laying on my bed. Best Christmas ever!
On the eighth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
8 Maids a Milking
Ok. I have to admit, after seven days of disappointment this seemed promising; but cows are even messier than geese and swans.
On the ninth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
9 Ladies Dancing
There wasn’t room for the ladies to do much but gyrate in place but I was fine with that.
On the tenth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
10 Lords a Leaping
The lords got drunk, trashed the place, ran off with the ladies and the maids and left me with the eight cows.
On the eleventh day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
11 Pipers Piping
This one just about did me in as I had hit the eggnog a little too hard the night before with a bunch of dancing lords.
On the twelfth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
12 Drummers Drumming
It took me twelve days to figure out my true love didn’t want to be my true love any more. She sure knows how to hurt a guy. I’ll never get the smell of bird shit and rancid milk out of my rug.
Merry Christmas, Everyone! I hope you got all you deserved for Christmas and more! I know I did.
Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle 
Thanks for the laugh Nev, almost choked on my vodka shooter. Now after reading this I have come to the conclusion that you realist and both of your feet are firmly planted on the ground.
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Sounds like an ordeal, except for the nine pole dancers, I’ll bet they spiced things up!
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Loved it Nev. Thanks.
This is a version I’ve enjoyed.
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Very funny too – thoroughly enjoyed the excellent running commentary.
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Cheer up Neville, it could be worse. You might have had Russell Brand’s woman problems.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/tvshowbiz/article-2528999/Russell-Brand-confesses-court-I-DID-sex-model-Sophie-BEFORE-I-hooked-Jemima-Khan.html
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I don’t keep up with celebrity gossip, or with anyone’s sleeping partners, but I have to say a bloke looking like Russell must have women following him wherever he goes…
I like his flair for dressing…nice scarves too…
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Well, somehow we survived another Christmas. The second day we are having gas heaters on, yet + 40c a few days ago. Getting through the food slowly. Smoked salmon just about done, still some chicken wings to get through and delicious ham.
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Listen here Gerard – you don’t ‘get through the food’ – you enjoy it and the fact you don’t have to do any cooking or preparation because the fridge has lots of yummy things in it.
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Yes, that’s true, but..we still had so much that it requires some fortitude and planning. A third of kilo of smoked salmon, 3 tuna steaks, 12 Balmain bugs…the list goes on.
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Easy – I love that stuff so much. 12 bugs – piece of cake – I’d polish the lot off for morning tea and then have the salmon for lunch – hubby could have the tuna.
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The Dancing Ladies got your expectations up and the Milkmaids had already trashed the place, anyway their cows did? Highly suspect story. We are all flowers growing in God’s garden.
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So sorry for you for your True Love leaving you; more the pity the Dancing Ladies and Milkmaids were gone too…
Our Christmas Lunch/Dinner was yesterday in Sydney; top food and well-chosen presents from the family , as always…
The surprise gift was from Daughter’s EX-boyfriend; the best (very expensive ) bottle of white wine…and more surprises when we came home; five beautifully wrapped presents from neighbours.
It is these unexpected acts of kindness that bring me to tears….
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