Story by Hung One On and Digital Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula.
Hi, Sandy here. What? You don’t know me, well if you haven’t been listening for the last five years my name is Father Alexander O’Way, affectionately know as Sandy and I am the parish priest of the church of St Generic Brand which just happens to be down the road and around the corner from the Pigs Arms. Hmm.
Well as anyone who knows me knows I hate early mornings and yet again that relic from the last century Bishop Bishop, who we all know as the Bish, rang me at one in the afternoon. What a bogan.
“Listen Sandy” bleats the Bish “I’ve just had a phone call from God”
Now to all you newcomers, God is Gordon O’Donnell, an astrophysicist from another dimension that created our universe as a science experiment in a shoe box. This shoe box sits at the back of the lab in Astrophysics 101 and is used for the students to study astrophysics. Hmm, I can see this is not going well. Yes, there is no God, Yahweh or Mohammad, it’s all mythological rubbish. It is us and them out “there”.
“Gordon wants us to wade into the O’Bad dilemma, lets find out if he really did it” demands the Bish.
“But Bish” I foolishly reply back “Who gives a zark if O’Bad is dodgy or what. Take him out someone else will replace him. I mean corrupt power is absolute but absolutely power corrupts something” Gees I wish I could remember that statement but it sounded good.
Okay. I can see some of you are stumbling with the word “zark”. As kiddies may be watching zark is a universal swear word. Just substitute “zar” for “fuc” and you will get the picture.
“Just do it Sandy or Gordon will cancel your credit card” barks the Bish.
Holy mackerel. No credit card. See when Gordon invented the universe he also invented money. So all of the money in our universe belongs to Gordon. Anywhere I travel in the universe is paid for by Gordon’s card, hmm, need to do something here.
“I have arranged a car to pick you up in the morning at 1000hrs so be ready. It’s a good two hour drive out to the O’Bad Ponderosa” What the zark, 10 in the morning, does this man hold no morals.
So ten the next morning a car pulls up out the front of the Rectory. Being so asleep, I didn’t really take any notice of the people in the front and I slumped into the back hoping I could get some shuteye. Somehow I couldn’t sleep, I kept thinking about the time when I first met Gordon, the delicious dinner made and served by the delicious Belinda who is now my wife. I remember thinking at the time,
“Acronyms, God how I hate acronyms. Usually stupid and generally meaningless along with mnemonics they stick in your head to remind you just how stupid you really are. Remember as kids in the parish school the all time classic, ARITHMETIC, A Red Indian Thought He Might Eat Tobacco In Church. What twaddle. racist diatribe if ever there was one. I mean the only red Indians I knew were constantly having the shit shot out of them in country and western movies. Eat in church was a given no no and who in their right mind would want to eat tobacco for God sake. My dad used to smoke Cabin Cut, Ready Rolled, can I imagine dad hoeing into his tobacco after tea in the lounge, no way.”
Oh, yes those were the days. But then the POTTY Awards, oh yes, I remember well.
“ Anyway the one acronym that makes me tingle with pleasure is POTTY. The Potty Awards, the Priest Of The Tropical Year Awards and yes, I’m in the pipeline to win this year. See I’ve been invited to the Rectory to have dinner with the Bish and an important guest this Wednesday. Not next Wednesday or last Wednesday but the Wednesday before the Saturday night of the awards. Obviously the Bish wants to disclose that I’m this year’s winner so I have my acceptance speech ready to rock. Oh yes, all 32 pages, ready to roll thanks to the kind Voice who helped me pen an appropriate dialogue.”
Then heart break.
“Dinner finishes and the Bish goes off into another room to smoke that stinky stuff and Gordon ushers me into the study for a French Brandy that’s about 200 years old he just happened to find in his cellar and a cigar. How civilised. “Now Sandy, I’m sure you have some questions for me but first how do you feel about space travel?” Gordon asks. “Space travel? What about the Potty Awards?” I inquire lubricated by the fine wine. Gordon smiles “Don’t worry about them, that prick Basil Sauce will win this year. There are bigger plans afoot for you….”
Yes, Pastor Basil Sauce, that prick from one of the many mobs in town robbing my customers.
********************************************************
“ Driver, how long to go?” I enquire rather innocently wondering if anyone had a rum toddy to tide me over.
“ Not long now Father Sandy” said the driver.
Hang on, I know that voice. “ Big M” I cry, “ What in Gordon’s name are you doing here?”
“ I’m on a mission from God” replies Big M
“ Cut the God crap mate, we know the universe has been created from another time dimension” I reply with added futilityness.
“ From Gordon, you dope. Now meet Shoe.” Big M nods to the co-driver. “ She’s the Duckhunt champion from Missen and she’s riding shotgun”
“ Nice to meet you Sandy, heard a lot about you. And hey Big M was the slot car champion* of his street back on our planet”, grins Shoe.
So I am going to face a big time crim with a driver that had a slot car set and a shotgun expert that knows Duckhunt, boy am I in trouble.
plot thickens …… (possibly due to the corn starch)
* Editors note – if I read between the lines correctly, there is some serious confluence between being a slot champion and obstetrics – just saying ‘ – that was when I started laughing and the rest got a bit off the track…….
helvityni said:
Hung, this is, how shall I say it, original and ‘Hung like’…you know what I mean, Hung funny… 😉
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Hung One On said:
Thanks H. Being funny is difficult however I love being an idiot and if others find it funny then that is a bonus.
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Big M said:
Dear Sister Hung, what an honour to be named in one of Sandy’s adventures, ‘shoe and i are fairly busting….
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sandshoe said:
aren’t we though, Big M. 🙂
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sandshoe said:
such an honour, Hung….
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Hung One On said:
You both get up to a lot of mischief in Part II
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nev cole said:
Is it true you are Spike’s love child, Hung? I also have to wonder sometimes if Douglas Adams or Christopher Moore isn’t ghost writing this for you… I’m so glad to have discovered Gordon and his shoebox thanks to you.
cheers…
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Hung One On said:
I’m a big Douglas Adams fan Booka. I’ll have to look up Christopher Moore. My comedy influence definitely comes from watching BBC shows as a kid. Then after reading The Day of the Triffids and Lord of the Rings I got hooked on sci fi
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Hung One On said:
Just looked him up Nev, sounds like my kinda guy, I will get some of his work and have a read. Thanks mate.
PS: Yes Spike along with the goons was one of my early favorites. I have told the missus that I want the same epitaph as Spike “I told you I was ill”
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algernon1 said:
Like Hoo, like it a lot. More tories weeded out at ICAC today including mummys boy. claims something but he’s got form.
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Hung One On said:
Thanks Ace. What do these pollies really want? I’m sick of them.
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sandshoe said:
Like Therese by sounds, I struggled to stay on the straight and narrow and on the steep corner was so in stitches I have to read it again. I would have anyway, but o, that is cleverly written as well as funny. I did think so right from ‘…well, if you haven’t been listening for the last five years’.
‘O’Way counsels the Sinister Demons to Pray’ is a classic! Isn’t that a-typical the pose of the hands in prayer posture pointed directionally at an absolute truth the audience is to believe how utterly hilarious. You funny, funny blokes.
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Hung One On said:
Thanks shoe, you wait to see what you do next episode. All good fun of course. 🙂
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sandshoe said:
O, Hung, that’s so lovely (see above what Big M and me said, Hung)
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Therese Trouserzoff said:
Hung, I’m bloody certain that crime-fighting cannot succeed unless it uses the weapon of idiocy. I’m sure O’Way can overcome O’Bad. There has got to be O’Way. Many thanks for A-grade idiocy – Spike’s love child revealed ! (He’s fallen in the water)
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Therese Trouserzoff said:
Pastor Basil Sauce – another Hungsterpiece !
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Hung One On said:
Go the mass has ended. Then us down the back would erupt as one “Thanks be to God”
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vivienne29 said:
I enjoyed that.
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Hung One On said:
Thanks Viv. You are coming up soon in a Gordon O’Donnell episode. All good fun but I will prtray you as the chef, hope you don’t mind, nothing derogatory or sexual. 🙂
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vivienne29 said:
As long as it is funny, I’m cool.
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Hung One On said:
I hope it will be funny Viv but I guarantee it will not be detrimental, not my style. I like to include viewers in my story. I call it the buy in. Just means we can all relate. I see the Pigs Arms as a community and even though some of us get kicked out from time to time, we are still one. Even the unnameable one.
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gerard oosterman said:
So true, Hung One on. When do you take confession? I can’t see you on the official P/A roll. Perhaps because you are being canonized.
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Hung One On said:
So true Gez, us idiotic geniuses always have to overcome many obstacles.
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Hung One On said:
Every time I read this story I realise that I am an idiot 🙂 Oh and I love it
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