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If you haven’t read parts 1 and 2 then this won’t make any sense, not that it does anyway. Dem is here,
and if still brave
We all sweet.
So Billy went and became a trainee priest at the Church of St Generic Brand and we lost touch. Sad actually, Billy was my best mate for years and now I could no longer go home I was all alone. Isn’t sadness a funny thing because if you have never had happiness you won’t know what sadness is. Crikey, that’s a worry, that even made sense anyhoo I’m going to skip sadness and stick with happiness from now on, er, um, whatever that means.
[Mark here Sandy, get on with it, you’re using up the word count]
Darn the truth hurts sometimes. Verbosity was never my strong point, can’t think why, maybe my low literacy skills might have something to do with it but I doubt it. As my English teacher once said, oops, hang on, I never listened to him so lets just drop that one. And if I ever see the truth in one of these stories I will tell you and that’s a lie. You can trust me on that one for sure.
Anyhoo, I got a job making wing nuts in a factory down the road with board and lodgings at Madame La SpaghettiBolognaise’s Commorancy. Its next door to Glenda’s House of Pain and around the corner from the hotel, the Window Dressers Arms Pig and Whistle better know as The Pigs Arms.
The job was really hard, it took peak physical fitness, extreme intelligence and a high level of dexterity and of course I had none of those qualities therefore I was a perfect fit for the job. So you put a nut and a wing together in a machine, push a button and hey presto you have a wing nut. Thirty in one go and watch dem fingers and toes, it’s considered appropriate to fully check each digit before going home, hmm. I think gender may determine that count but lets not go there although I’m finding it difficult to resist.
Madame La SpaghettiBolognaise was a wonderful mother to all us challenged boys and you were able to tell which day of the week it was by the flavour of the sauce, curry, chilli, garlic and mushroom all with pasta de jour but Sunday night was always chicken roast, yumbo. A hearty breakfast and sandwiches and fruit for smoko and it was all ten times better than Sow End High but then again that wouldn’t take much.
Madame La SpaghettiBolognaise took all our wages and gave us some spending money for the weekend, generosity to the max, for sure. Anyhoo, I spent most of my spare time down the park kicking the soccer ball and dreaming about building another robot just like when I was a kid. Then I saw this man approach me in a weird suit, like the one you would get from a weird suit shop but it was a priest, collar and all.
“Gidday Sandy” said the bloke, well I guess he has done his home work. Didn’t you hate that as a kid, come home from school and continue working. Dear oh dear, what sort of world did we grow up in. Anyway I digress which is the only thing I’m good at.
I looked hard at him, so hard in fact that my eyes were hurting. My eyes were telling my brain to go way and procreate but in some other words that may be considered rude. Go on brain think of something to do however my neural pathways returned this message “Unfortunately your operating system is going to shut down. Press any key you like, it won’t make any difference…” Notice the dots at de end, why day do dat?
I awoke on the ground with my head between a priest’s legs. I was groaning, I could feel this throbbing sensation in my head umm, umm, but is was Billy, Billy Bishop, my best mate. Billy was helping me up off the ground and you thought! well I never. He still had that wicked grin sort of like a Cheshire Cat but not full breed, maybe half-breed that had luckily been run over by a lorry.
“Billy how the sexual intercourse are you?” I cried with joy. Billy looked really well, happy and by the look of him well fed. We hugged and shook hands. This was unbelievable and this is fiction and even I’m believing it’s real, wow.
“I’m great, the church is a fantastic place. Look tomorrow is Sunday, come over, watch the
service and have lunch. It will be a great day out and you and I can talk all the bulldung we like. Starts at 10” says Billy. Notice how the boys are keeping the language down, someone under 45 may be watching this. Believe me this 45 thing is real. One never knows, anyhoo I, um, yep, you get the picture.
“Well Billy, you know that me and sexually intercoursing Church’s was never my strong point” I speak, with tongues, not really but sounds wicked don’t it. And to be honest I never made Churches a point to start with.
Billy pulls out the old grin trick. Apparently your mouth can form into a semi-crescent of some kind and the other apes think you are showing you like them. Even I don’t believe this.
“Well okay then” I say “but please don’t shove this down my throat and yes it would be great to get together and tell porkies about how great we once were.” I commit.
Laughs all round. We shook hands and Billy headed off to the church which by the way is just down the road and round the corner, just like everything else in Inner Cyberia.
We think therefore we are sand.
Authors Notes:
Comments between square brackets [ ] are usually conversations between the character and the author, or some other character like Mike the Editor. Don’t be alarmed be alert.
[1] Billy has assured me that Big and Bouncy is a basketball magazine, for sure, I mean this is fiction and even I don’t buy that, well not until next time.
Yvonne said:
“Glenda’s House of Pain” Is that where I’d go to get extra hair ripped off various places?
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Mark said:
Certainly is, waxing specialists for all your needs.
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hph said:
You ..my friend.. are a funning legend. 🙂
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Mark said:
Well thank you. 🙂 Love smiley theory don’t you.
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hph said:
You should write an article and submit it to The Drum. A touch of humour is needed desperately at the drum. Terri Psiakis and Deirdre Fidge are not funny and I don’t like their humour. I’d rather see Emmjay’s, Gerard’s and your’s at the drum. Seriously…
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hph said:
Big M’s too.. 🙂
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Mark said:
Thanks hph, both Emmjay and Gerard as you probably know, have posted at the Drum. I haven’t mainly because my humour is black and white and like I said to Vivienne you either get it or you don’t. The other reason is that I am truly amateur but am trying to develop my skills so I get betterer at it. Then my fellow space traveler I will attempt other things.
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Big M said:
Thanks, HPH, like the other Mark, the bar flies at the Pigs Arms seem to be the only folk to get my humour. I’m with you on Psiakis and Fidge, not funny at all. In ten years time they’ll be writing about the struggle of the Australian comedienne. My advice is to be funny.
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Mark said:
Hph, I agree with Big M. BigM’s Emmjays and mine writing style with humour are similar in some ways. I see mine as a mix of surrealism, like when the editor or character talks to the author, absurdity, fantasy and both science fiction and fiction and on occasion factual. My hero is Douglas Adams who wrote the Hitchhikers Guide the Galaxy and grew up watching Monty Python and all those other BBC comedy shows. The list is endless for me and I could talk for hours. Very few US comedians do it for me but I like Steve Martin, Mel Brooks and the Marx brother with all the one liners come to mind. There are others maybe Alan Alda.
Now if you haven’t read the space series it can be found in the archive. Unfortunately the archive starts with the most recent on top. I’m not sure how long you have visited this site but I think it started in around 2008.I will write the series into a book but that will take a time and there will be lots of skills I will need to learn along the way. I am looking forward to it.
By the way, along the way when I wrote the Space series I used tips from posters about the story, Algernon, Big M and others would sometimes help the good Father, even if their hint or tip in the post may have been unintentional. I’ve already flagged one of yours hope you don’t mind, so see you same Sandy Time, same Sandy channel. 🙂
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hph said:
You guys are **underestimating yourselves**
I am very serious. You are very talented in style and humour and much better than those contributors at the Drum. You should at least try once. Use a different pseudonym if you like. Neil Simon, Mel Brooks, Marx brothers, MASH…all my favourites 🙂
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Big M said:
HOO, I remember reading the word nonce in the context of ‘right now’, but, I’ve heard it (usually in British Pleece shows) in the context of ‘kiddie fiddler’ more often.
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Mark said:
My memory recalls some saying ” he’s a nonce” which i assumed at that age to mean ” he’s an idiot” i.e. derogartory but now looking up it’s true meaning in computer programming you often create a numerical variable called “n” which gets be set to a value somewhere in the code to keep count of events or reset to 1 or 0 to get you out of a programming loop something like this
if n:=0 then
keep doing the loop
else
exit
endif
Combine that with once = nonce therefore a number used once. I like it. I reckon both Sandy and Foodge could use these words as incorrectly as possible.
Thanks little Sister.
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Big M said:
Foodge, being an English scholar (yes, who knew?), will probably adhere to the Middle English definition, as in ‘now and once only’. Any whatif, n:=0, norand, or NORAD, sort of carry on will completely confuse the poor old bugger.
Foodge here. Uncle M is being very naughty. Bugger indeed! Must rush, bowls to be played, ladies to be wooed, then onto the Flyer to get back to Uncle EmmJay’s.
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Therese Trouserzoff said:
Only dude in the known universe who can make jokes out of computer code. Effing brilliant, Huing. 3d – there, i hex’d you 🙂
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sandshoe said:
Hahaha bwwaaahhha splutter..a nut and a wing together and you’ve got a … why do I think that is a screamer.. anyway I roared.
Comedy is such a mystery sometimes, but it’s poetry. This is wonderful. It rollicks. 🙂
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Mark said:
The pleasure is all mine. Humour is in the eye of the beholder. May Gordon be with you. 🙂
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vivienne29 said:
I agree. My mind made much more of it – bloody funny.
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Mark said:
I’ve come to realise Viv that my humour is very black and white, you either get it or you don’t, Tutu never could. Thanks again for the support my friend.
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Big M said:
Mrs M doesn’t get it, either. She reckons The Pigs Arms had been done to death years back, but then some of us keep sifting for small gems, don’t we?
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Mark said:
Yes. Tutu didn’t get it either. As for done to death, not sure, the hit and view rates are okay and I think just keep going till you want to stop. I’ve come and gone but always love coming back.
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algernon1 said:
Mrs A doesn’t get it as well but finds some of it funny. I don’t think the hit rates change that much. I enjoy it, The Drum less so, more to do with the poor quality of the moderating and the proliferation of ignorant right wing nut jobs. Who knows some of them could be nonces.
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Mark said:
The Drum gets taken over by a few chosen nonces. Only go occasionally. Now I’m not playing so much guitar I love the writing and will continue as long as some one likes it.
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Mark said:
I wish to add to my comment. Tutu did laugh at some of the stories and helped me at times develop some of them. For that I am eternally grateful.
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vivienne29 said:
Goes well with a g and t …………. having one now.
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sandshoe said:
Perhaps people in my circles pull the invisible venetian blinds in their eyes down if I refer to the pub.
The other night I was taken with Eric Idle’s comment in interview with Tony Jones (Idle and Cleese) that Python was a commune of writers. It made me feel impatient to get back here to spend more time in the bar.
There is nothing like it. Cleese or Idle said that of the time of Python. I enjoy the originality of what appears here.
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Big M said:
Nice work Sandy. I’m wonderin’ if you god-botherin’, religious types ‘ave got a comment on your fearless leader, and special adviser to the best pope we’ve ever had, Cardigan Peel, about ‘im fiddlin’ with kiddies?
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Mark said:
Cardigan Peel, love it.
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algernon1 said:
Which order did Cardigan Peel come from HOO Mirest Nonces perhaps. And what’s that Veri Bend doing to Horribleness.
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Mark said:
Dare I say it but he might be in for some punishment.
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Big M said:
Order of The Emasculated Pederasts, perhaps.
I think Veri Bend is wishing the good sister wasn’t a girl.
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algernon1 said:
And a lot younger Big. Perhaps the good sister came from the Our lady of the Cottages.
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Mark said:
Thanks you two. I see this coming up in an episode near you.
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Mark said:
Sorry young man Mirest Nonces?
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algernon1 said:
Mirest could be like Marist. Nonces could like pederasts.
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Mark said:
Well done Sire. 🙂
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Big M said:
I didn’t get it either, but us male nurses can be quite obtuse.
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algernon1 said:
I thought Nonce was obvious. Marists are a fairly well known Catholic order and I’m not even a left footer. Perhaps I should have said Mirast but ti didn’t go well with the play on words.
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Mark said:
Yeah nonce I thought was a pansy or a dickhead but the book says the present, or immediate, occasion or purpose (usually used in the phrase for the nonce)., but hows this to further display of brilliance of your word choice Ace,
In cryptography, a nonce is an arbitrary number that may only be used once. It is similar in spirit to a nonce word, hence the name. It is often a random or pseudo-random number issued in an authentication protocol to ensure that old communications cannot be reused in replay attacks. They can also be useful as initialization vectors and in cryptographic hash function. Source Wiki.
I’ll bring some of these terms from you and Big M into the story. Sandy will be able to use this word wrongly most of the time but when he is in space I can build a whole gag around Mirest Nounces. Thanks young man.
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Big M said:
Like I said, Algy, Nurse, Male, Obtuse.
Sounds like a monastic order, order of the Obtuse Male Nurses.
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algernon1 said:
It does Big M devoting their time to helping the sick and injured.
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Big M said:
Yes, Algy, sick, injured non-acute Angles.
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