From Our Emeritus North American Correspondent, Neville Cole

What a SUPER Tuesday we have in store today! There’s no time to waste so let’s leap head first in the muck!

The Republican Presidential Pissing Contest is getting down and really dirty this week with so many delegates up for grabs.

Little Marco Rubio finally put two and two together (and got five, by the way). He came out with a bang this week by dropping the 2016 campaign’s very first dick joke (though I can guarantee you it won’t be the last).

After, suggesting that Drumpf-a-sore-ass wet himself during the last debate/wrestlemania show he wrapped up his (ah-hem) comments by asking the crowd if they’d ever seen how small The Donald’s hands were. “You know what they say” Little Marco chirped, “Small hands, small… “ Whatever he said after that was lost (under a tsunami of laughs, cheers and what can only be described as violent goat orgasms). The Rubio crowd loves it when Little Marco goes potty.

Have you watched the people behind these Republican’s candidates? I can’t take my eyes off them. Mouths perpetually agape with joy. Sides bent double with laughter. Old men chest bumping each other after each insult. The crowd at the Apollo has never been this animated. The Romans watching the gladiators at the Coliseum were more sedate. What do they feed these people before the show? Deep-fried sugared crack snax?

Jesus Cruz has faded from view this week somewhat thanks to Little Marco’s Drumpf Roast Roadshow; but his (human) dad come out on radio to confirm that his son is here to “share the love of Jesus Christ with every person of every race, color and creed for the love of Christ and the love of this country.” So… there’s that.

Gentle Ben Carson is still around but no one, least of all him, knows why. He did however pledge this week that if elected he will end the non-existent ban against Christianity in America’s public schools. We don’t even know what planet this guy is from anymore. Please Gentle Ben, go back to hibernation…you seem like you could really use a nap.

Meanwhile Drumpf-a-sore-ass blasted a few big ones this week. None bigger than when he literally rolled out super-heavyweight endorser, Chris “Moby Dick” Christie. By some miracle the stage was able to hold the egos of both long enough for M. Dick to blurt: “Sure, I hate this son-of-a-bitch. Don’t we all? But, if America is going to vote for this golden-tuffed lunatic, then Chris Christie is going to be the first big fish who jumps in the boat with him!” The Donald then slapped his behemoth buddy on the back and responded: We’re gonna need a bigger boat!”

The Donald solidified the racist vote this week when he picked up the endorsement of former grand wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, David Duke. With three Southern States on the line Tuesday, Drumpf-a-sore-ass was careful to dodge questions about Duke on CNN this week. Deciding clearly that misdirection was the better part of valor Trumpy played dumb and disinterested muttering random words such as: “Who? What? I don’t know this David Duke you speak of? KKK? What is this KKK? I’m going to have to look into that. White Supremacy? I don’t understand the words that are coming out of your mouth.” Eventually, the CNN interviewer poured gasoline over his head and set himself on fire to get out of having to ask any more questions.

Over on the Democratic side…
Well, folks… I hate to break it to you but for all Uncle Bern’s big talk this race could be all over but the red-faced shouting by Wednesday. If Uncle Bern can’t hold Vermont, Colorado, Minnesota, and put up a really good showing in Massachusetts… his dream of a socialist utopia from Des Moines to Del Mar, from Butte, Montana to Duck Hill, Mississippi, well, his campaign will be as dead as Marley’s doorknob.

Bernie’s putting on a brave face though I’ve noticed his step has lost a lot of its pep. He keeps pointing to New York (April 19) and California (June 7) as the touchstone. Sure, if this election were being voted on by the Academy, Uncle Bern would be a shoe in; but if the silver-crested Bernie can actually hang around till June 7th then I for one may become this modern day Don Quixote’s Sancho Panza. Hate to say it Bernie fans but I think it’s over.

My SUPER TUESDAY PICKS

Republican Pissing Contest: Jesus Cruz just wins Texas, Drumpf-a-sore-ass wins…EVERYWHERE ELSE! Little Marco celebrates string of strong second places.

Democratic (soon to be) One-Horse Race: Uncle Bern wins Vermont, squeaks by in Colorado, Minnesota, and Oklahoma, loses Massachusetts by more than hoped, and is soundly beaten everywhere else. Both candidates see these results as “a good sign”

Good luck to all…just a few hours to go. Time to start drinking heavily.