Story by Big M
It was mid-morning, and Foodge stood at the bar, absent-mindedly polishing a pint glass. O’Hoo, in his brand new bib ‘n’ brace overalls, wandered over and leant against the bar. ‘You’re in a funny mood, Foodge.’
‘Why do you say that?’ Foodge slowly turned his gaze to O’Hoo.
‘You’ve been grinding two desiccated flies into the bottom of that glass for over half an hour.’
Foodge quickly emptied the dry fly guts into the bin, and placed the glass in the washing rack then poured a couple of canoes. ‘I am experiencing a deep sense of ennui, or a sense of deep ennui.’ As he clinked glasses with O’Hoo.
‘On wee?’
‘Yes, ennui, I read it on Mark’s blog.’
‘Oh, ‘ennui’, yes, he mentioned it the other day.’ O’Hoo knocked back half a pint in one gulp. ‘I thought it would be guilt, or perhaps, remorse.’
‘Why so?’ Foodge was now polishing another pint glass with the same filthy rag.
‘Well, you did slough old Merv’s Mum onto Big M.’
‘Slough is too strong a word’ Foodge didn’t like strong sounding words this early in the day.
‘Emmjay reckoned she got stuck in a hallway.’ O’Hoo motioned for a second glass canoe.
‘Yes, rather unfortunate.’
‘Bloody unfortunate for the Ms.’ O’Hoo stopped to wipe some perspiration from his glistening forehead.
‘Yes, jolly unfortunate’ Foodge didn’t like swearing this early, either.
‘How did they get her out? I heard they were gonna get a crane to pull her through the ceiling.’
‘They let nature take its course.’ Foodge suddenly realised that his rag was contaminated with dead flies, so flicked it into the small laundry hamper under the bar.
‘What, they let her die?’
‘No, she shrank down a bit from not being able to eat or drink, then they poured some cooking oil around her, and out she popped.’
‘So where is she now? O’Hoo was relieved.
‘The Ms popped her on the Country Link train to Barraba, or Boggabri, or some place with wide open spaces.’ Foodge pushed another canoe across the ancient bar.
‘So, which is it?
‘Which is what?’
‘Ennui, guilt or remorse.’
‘On wee?’
gerard oosterman said:
I thought the beer at the pig’s arms were served in a boat. The way the glasses are cleaned it would make more sense. I’ll have a boat of black, thank you.
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Mark said:
I agree Gerard, best not to see the approaching danger just like Zaphod Beeblebrox’s glasses that go completely black when any danger approaches therefore he doesn’t see it coming, what a great way to avoid danger 🙂 . Classic stuff. Many thanks to Douglas Adams, a sad loss to a world that is need of humour.
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algernon1 said:
In true Pigs arms style we’re none the wiser. Excellent 🙂
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Mark said:
I thought that this episode was really funny, till I read it, then I realised it was hilarious.
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Big M said:
Thanks, HOO!
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Yvonne said:
Please, sir, what’s a “canoe” of beer??
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Therese Trouserzoff said:
“Canoe” refers to a schooner glass (15 ozs in the old money) – in NSW (which didn’t have until recently half pints, but pints (20 ozs) were also used – albeit more rarely). Large glasses are for showing off – more moderate ones are for keeping the beer colder for longer.
David Ireland wrote a novel in the 1980s called “The Glass Canoe” – set in a pub called “The Southern Cross”. That pub actually exists on the corner of Canal Rd and the Princess Highway near the airport. But the pub at the heart of the heart of the novel was actually “the Toxteth” in the Toxteth Estate on Glebe Point Rd – which as fate might have it – was the pub where my Dad used to drink – until we moved in 1956.
He referred to the Toxteth as a blood house.
The novel – the Glass Canoe – was and remains the inspiration for the Pig’s Arms. You can buy a copy in any decent second hand bookshop (if they still exist by the time I finish this reply) – or you can get one for sure online.
Kind regards, Emm
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Big M said:
A ‘glass canoe’ from the novel ‘The Glass Canoe ‘. They do pop up frequently at the Pigs.
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Yvonne said:
Jeez, now I have to become literate?
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Big M said:
Nah, just semi-literate , like most of the patrons.
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Mark said:
I take offence to that statement, I’m demi-illerate
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Big M said:
Sorry Sister, didn’t mean to offend the demis.
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algernon1 said:
Is that like a semi trailer Big.
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Big M said:
Yes, Algy, you thought a semi-trailer was big, wait until you see the whole trailer.
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algernon1 said:
So trailers carry containers and trains carry containers so they must be bigger than a trailer. The debate could be about trains but we’ve had that one.
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vivienne29 said:
Oh well, that’s sorted.
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Therese Trouserzoff said:
In a fashion – such a typically Pig’s Arms explanation 🙂
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Big M said:
Thanks, Emmjay, problem solved.
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Therese Trouserzoff said:
Sorry for the delay, Big.
I’m still reconfiguring FM’s old Mac Air, but it looks like the fresh setup of Email is working better than ever….. Now I’ve got the challenge of sifting through 13,000 Emails to find the eleventeen I might want to keep.
I hope you liked the sly pic
Don’t you just love a dead machine !
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Big M said:
Loved the pic, but imagine it would be easier to rebuild an Ariel Square Four, than resuscitating a dead Mac.
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Therese Trouserzoff said:
Probably died of heat exhaustion just the same. The squaffer was a classic bit of British engineering design genius with the rear two pots being impossible to air cool – bad in a cold climate. Disastrous in Australia.
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Big M said:
Dad reckoned you could always pick them up cheap. A great bike if you enjoy reseating exhaust valves.
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