Tags
Big M, Foodge, Hon Shades, humour, Hung One On, Merv, Nurse Barbara, Sister Yvonne, Therese
Nurse Barbara For Social Club Pres.
By Hon Shades aka Sandshoe
“Ya plant garlic on the shortest day of the year. Ya dig it up on the longest.”
Merv was holding court to a bar of gardeners who had been bussed to the pub by the organisers of the 2017 International No Dig Gardeners Convention. They looked like a conference of hippies in an assortment of rubber boots and khakis draped over with camel hair ponchos. Some individuals appeared to have been yarn bombed.
Others carried bundles of plastic raincoats and everyone had an ID card around their neck on a lanyard as you do.
“Good on ya, Merv. That’s our friend,” a voice rang out. Merv looked over at the nurses’ table no mistaking Big M’s voice. A cheerful Big M
was standing on a chair on one leg. The next sight Merv had of him was Big M and the chair toppling sideways.
A loud caterwauling and cheering went up out of the crowd of inebriated newcomers at the bar.
No harm to Big M in the re-enactment of this classic scene of a chair falling over and a man with it who was in fact standing on one leg on the chair however previous to the moment Merv or anyone else looked in the direction.
“The chair was definitely on one leg,” Merv said when the insurance assessor from Cyberian United Assurance came knocking.
Hung One Over chimed in, “That’s crook for a chair.”
“Mr Merv and Mr HOO, I’m only here to check the detail of Mr Merv’s witness statement,” the assessor insisted. She adjusted her frilly black
bra straps with teensy weensy naked breasts on them of every colour showing from under the low cut neckline of a classic Inner Cyberia corporate wear pinafore. The uniform for staff was made of a watermark design silk shantung in pretty chartreuse and with layers of frills in the same fabric edging the overlapping wrap-around skirt front and skirt hem.
“Big M was all over the shop. That’s all I saw,” Hon Shades said at the bar later.
“He must of near transpired from the unexpected shock. I was painting.” Foodge was ordering a drink. He was dressed in paint splattered overalls and in one hand he was swinging a 4 litre paint can. He lowered carefully down onto the towel bar runner his barrister’s wig he was carrying in his other hand.
“That’s not true truth,” he said when Sister Yvonne told him the insurance assessor marked him down as pub lawyer and a witness.
“Been painting when I’m not in court. Can’t purge myself.” Foodge was worried.
“Mate, we each said on our damages claims you’re our lawyer and you
were here,” Therese chimed in. “You’re not going to go all ipso facto and all that, are ya. Done deal almost. We’ll get a new chair out of it.”
The customers at the bar as one turned round. They looked at the sea of dangling springs that had fallen out of the upholstery of most of the chair seats and dangling strings of jute thread and decayed jute strapping. Rips gaped open in the vinyl upholstery of unoccupied chair seats and a scatter of unoccupied bar stools that displayed grey compressed padding.
The chrome surrounds of the seats of the bar stools and their legs were pocked with rust damage. The rubber tips on the legs of the bar stools had perished.
The pub fell quiet other than for the slurping noise of patrons turning their attention back to contemplation and refreshment. The chooks in the rafters set up a flustering sound of soft clucking.
Nurse Barbara was one to speak up.
“Merv,” she said, “this bar needs an entire set of new chairs and new bar stools. With the seats covered in that same clear plastic you’ve had the new carpet and the surface of the bar and the tops of the new tables covered with. If nothing else, it’s O and it’s H and it’s S, Merv.”
*Joyce the Musical – coming to a reputable theatre near you. Follow the story of a well hung but disconnected suburban youth growing up on the Northern beaches of Kidney(named as it stinks like piss) who at a tender age throws away his burgeoning career as a lawn star, Lidcombe Bowls Champion 1902 or thereabouts, and becomes a purse carrying nancy boy, no good poofter male nurse that has never had a hard days work in his life. Book at www.joycethemusical.con/bookings
algernon1 said:
Even the ABC has got in on the act. Pinching my pictures hmm.
http://www.abc.net.au/news/2017-06-27/why-do-we-fall-for-fake-news-study/8653300
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Mark said:
See. Hidden talent.
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honshades said:
Which ones. Someone’s certainly been copying the format of the brilliant layout Mark does setting images to our yarns or Mark is a dead cert brilliant copy catist (and image pincher)
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algernon1 said:
The one with the two kiddies walking into a tunnel
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honshades said:
Did you get it off the BBC? Don’t think so. Think it was the platform at Central. 😉
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vivienne29 said:
You can hurt yourself coming a cropper off a chair. It’s so unexpected.
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honshades said:
As unexpected as a chair on one leg. It’s a system that’s falling over.
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vivienne29 said:
Nurse Barbara says this is very timely. She’s on to a rejuvenation spree. Putting in a new retaining wall.
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honshades said:
We anticipate it will run the entire length between where it begins to where it ends.
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vivienne29 said:
Well about bloody time. Old chairs and stools are hard on old bums. Thank Gawd for Nurse Barbara, now I’ll be able to sit down in comfort.
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honshades said:
We have to bring cup cakes to Nurse Barbara’s inauguration. There’ll be hundreds and thousands too, don’t you worry about that.
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Big M said:
Gordan O fucking Donnell, guts appropriately disposed of round the place in a laughing manner. That insurance assessor coulda broken me fall with those soft round shirt potatoes. Now that’s no dig planting!
But, seriously, ‘shoe, Foodge, painting? Or one imitating a painter, or one giving a facsimile thereof? You’ve quite the imagination my Dear. Foodge, in overalls, like a working man, sans Fedora, no tie (scales of justice, or no), can o’ paint in one hand, no hand free for a pint of the elixir of Hyksaka? Actually, Foodge standing up?
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honshades said:
You are too kind. Me? Imagination? Youse blokes are the world’s greatest imaginations. I am ever so humble to be among you.
Now. You will recall when I remind you, Big M that Foodge was a pretty regular house painter in his day, in lulls between jobs as a PI, moons ago of course before he graduated …and it appeared at one stage he would be hired by Emmjay to paint the Bridal Suite, so it was in a Pigs Psalm I made an appeal to Emmjay not to hire him but take on ‘Shoe Decorators and Painters’ instead. I thought it was time to revive Foodge’s hand at making a little extra money painting.
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Big M said:
Emmjay was heard to say that the decoration of the bridal suite led to failures of a marital kind, if Youse know what I mean (it’s Big M’s turn to tap the side of his nose in a knowing way), wedding tackle at half mast, trouser flute out of tune, I don’t know, I wasn’t there, all scuttlebutt an’ hearsay, but, suffice to say, our dear boy is off the brushes, an’ back in the wig these days ( Foodge, not Emmjay, mainly).
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honshades said:
He must of been in disguise. Private eye on the side.
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honshades said:
Your comment is very funny imagining your fall being broken by the soft round shirt potatoes (the insurance assessor). Oh you are very funny.
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honshades said:
‘Foodge’ is like ‘Blue Hills’, mate, the longest running radio play in the world (the Cyberian Universe). L O L.
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algernon1 said:
And he’s pinched another one of my pictures hmm.
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honshades said:
Nooo. Shock. Horror. Which one. Let me guess. Joyce. 🙂
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algernon1 said:
Yep Joyce and I think Nurse Babs in the Maccas uniform.
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Mark said:
Lets face it Ace, they are just so incredibly funny that I can’t help myself.
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honshades said:
Next thing you’ll be blaming it on the Bossy Nova
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honshades said:
HAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA
I laughed and laughed, Mark.
Mark, your choices of illustrations and the added advertisements will confuse anybody other than followers of this awesome tale. I laughed so much. I love what you did editing it, too. You’re a gem to get a laugh out of me that big. Thank you.
Shoe. 🙂
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Mark said:
Thanks shoe, me too. I laughed me guts out and spent half the afternoon pushing them back in through my belly button.
Bloody hilarious stuff. 🙂
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honshades said:
Darned good thing that you were on hand to avert a serious adverse incident, HOO!
HAHA!
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