Story by Emmjay
“Bring, Bring” insisted the phone. Which was more convincing than say the toaster demanding bread.
“O’Waaaahy, h, h, , har, har, har aaaaaark. Here” answered O’Way. Which seemed apt given that it was in fact O’Way and his cough.
“Listen up”. Said the unmistakeable drone of the Bishop. The rumour was that the Cardy had made the Bish a bish because he had a voice so unutterably dull that he was perfect in the witness box and an excellent supporting act for the Cardy who was making an unexpected comeback – with perhaps less support than Johnny Farnham, but certainly a lot more anticipation.
“You know the Royal Commissh ?” it wasn’t so much a question as a command, continued the Bish.
“Of course !” lied O’Way who who who, hark, hark, hark…… (muffled spit into hanky). Of course O’Way would have only heard of the Royal Commish if she was running at Flemington, or perhaps Dapto Dogs (since the reformation)… but he was renowned for filling in the blanks and going with the flow – common amongst the clerics of St Generic Brands.
“ The Cardy needs you to do some tidying up”, said the Bish.
“Isn’t that Manne or Granny’s job ?” said O’Way.
“Not cleaning up STUFF” said the Bish, “Tidying up some people’s shonky memory”.
“Oh” said O’Way, who had no concept of memory, much less shonky memory. He paused and waited for another train of thought – to climb aboard.
The bish obliged by mumbling something about the Cardy having some stiff questions about kiddie fiddling. (Ed……Sorry, ALLEGED kiddy fiddling).
“Bish ?” inquired O’Way.
“Yes, father?” replied the bish.
“Bish, um (ahark ahark ahark) what precisely is kiddy fiddling ? I didn’t know the Cardy even played the violin”.
“You’ve heard of Bluegrass, Father ?” asked the Bish.
“Dang !” replied O’Way, (readers should imagine they heard the distant sound of Duelling Banjos).
“The Cardy was playing ‘Foggy Mountain Breakdown’ ? said O’Way.
“Well, kind of a breakdown” said the Bish. “These people with mental illness claim they got it in the cloisters – and that the Cardy was in the second row.
“Yeah” said O’Way.
“Yeah ?” inquired the Bish.
“Yeah, I copped a few in the cloisters playing against Christian Brothers” said O’Way.” Makes your eyes water quite a bit”.
“Nah” said the Bish. “This one’s serious father. The Cardy has been accused of ALLEGEDLY (thanks… Ed) having improper regard to the tackle of minors” said the Bish.
“He took the choir fishing without a permit ?” wondered O’Way.
“You’re getting warmer” said the Bish.
“Wedding tackle:” said the Bish.
“The Choir was singing at a wedding ?” asked O’Way.
“Could have been” said the Bish.
“And the mental illness” ? said O’Way, accidentally re-routing the conversation back to the point of the Bish’s call.
“Ah, Yes of Course” said the Bish, “Well they say they have suffered ever since the Cardy and the wedding tackle incidents (ALLEGED incidents …. Ed.)
“Do we know who these people are, Bish?” asked O’Way.
“Yes, of course” said the Bish.
“What’s their beef ?” said O’Way “Didn’t they get any cake ?”
“What cake ?” said the Bish.
“You know, WEDDING cake” said O’Way. “What were they doing playing rugby at the wedding ?”
“What wedding ?” said the Bish.
“You know – the one where the Cardy played Duelling Banjos” said O’Way.
“Are you doing anything right now?” asked the Bish.
“No, Whaaaay ahark ahark ahark?” said O’Way.
“I’ve got a key witness assignment for you coming up”, said the Bish.
“Will there be cake ?” asked O’Way.
“It will be a cake walk” said the Bish.
“Great said O’Way” “I love a party.
Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle 
Reading the cross fertilisation of ideas that lead an energetic reader on to the next explication and the next is certainly being led a merry dance. It’s a street performance, the writer is a thespian of the people.
It is amazing to read the passion you bring to this, Emm and great moral anger and empathy for those who are badly affected by the history behind the myth of the morality of the Catholic clergy.
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Fantastic Bish, keep ’em coming.
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Glad you got that off your chest. Found myself humming that Tim Minchin song Come Home ………. well he’s here. We shall see …………..
Good stuff btw.
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Thanks, Viv. I mean, how can we not do a Lindy Chamberlain with this creep ?
Answer: Lindy was innocent.
I’m predicting a shocking loss of cardinal memory. Anyone like to bet against that ?
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I’m betting (because I am scarred by it) that it will end up like Jo Bjelke wotsisname the Forgettable except I never will. Found short of more than a few moral compunctions and revealed for it especially doing dirty deals at a time in Queensland’s history when dealers of all sorts were getting their fingers in the earth’s pi right down to the centre AND GOT AWAY WITH IT THAT HE WASN’T THROWN IN PRISON!
From Wikipedia;
“Two of his state ministers, as well as the police commissioner Bjelke-Petersen had appointed and later knighted, were jailed for corruption offences and in 1991 Bjelke-Petersen, too, was tried for perjury over his evidence to the royal commission; the jury failed to reach a verdict and Bjelke-Petersen was deemed too old to face a second trial.”
See, here, I am figuring a lot of people have vested interests in letting this frocked bloke lie doggo style. Very sad. Nevertheless we need to believe we will see them revealed by the Commission.
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Highly recommended – I’m pretty sure this is one of Mark’s finest works You MUST. Check it out
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Dry cleaner called Paula Lintoff – effing brilliant !!!!
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Therese, I didn’t check that link yesterday but that episode was written by you I believe. Fucking hilarious by the way and thanks for the compliment.
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Like Pets, mate we seem to be growing like our owner – Foodge 🙂 The jokes were so well worked out I couldn’t believe I was that well organised – but it was some time ago – and I’ve only just eased up enough to feel like joking again. Fucking jobs.
The old job had two great years only killed in year 3 when they replaced my boss with a total arsehole – who recruited another arsehole who recruited another arsehole – like Babushka dolls – each one a bit smaller and fitting inside its shitty parent.
Things are going great in this new charity – in fact so good they’ll most likely offer me a perm job – for 30% less money than the contract (which runs out in 5 weeks).
This work thing is exhausting. No wonder people retire. Not because they want to, but because they are unable to continue to give a shit.
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Yes, I don’t think humans are made to work forty hours a week for forty eight weeks a year. I am becoming exhausted from shift work, as is Mrs M. So much so that we have already started retirement planning. We are lucky that I am on one of the old state super schemes which is quite generous!
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So this is a story about spiders that live on rocks I guess. I think Caddy enjoy a swim with the youngsters.
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Eeew. Gross. I blame the Cardy’s Uncle Stan. If there was ever an alleged kiddy fiddler, Stan’s your man.
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He he he, I’d titter if it wasn’t so feckin’ Sirius. Well writ young Sir!
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Thank you Big. Very kind. I must be having fun at my new job. And stimulated by Foodge’s resurgence chez maison du porc.
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Excellent. I’m sick. Might be my elevated temperature how excellent I think this piece is. I think it’s tres excellent.
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I’m commanding you to regain wellness, our dear ‘Shoe. I have to say, I was a bit worried about how this piece was panning out as it rolled off the fingers. And I was trying to avoid a Lindy Chamberlain bus shelter trial, but the ALLEGED victims of the catholic clergy abuse and the outrageous cover-ups are many.
But even one destroyed childhood and damaged rest of life is too many. And the Cardy’s previous utterances do not, IMHO reflect a man chosen by God – unless of course this one is another crap god not worth the believing in (or, I nearly wrote….. the pissing on if in flames – which could of course well be the case.)
Many thanks for your lovely compliment !
Fond regards,
Emm
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I am noting your command as you is the boss, boss. Thank you.
You will always be the boss, boss. We don’t even have to have a meeting. We adore you. You lead us not onto still waters but stir the troubled waters up with a spoon and remind us you bring us more than long periods of absenteeism can take away. I’m getting better already. 😉
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Did you get well, or have you chosen to ignore my command ?
Lots of love, ‘Shoe. x
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Great minds, boss. How touching. While you were thinking on it, I was writing to it. See above. Awwww
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Lots of love to you, boss. x
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