Gordon and The Bish Go On Holiday: Part Two
by Shoe
Continued…
“Zarks and Constantine,” the Bish says. “It’s Algernon.”
“More than that. It’s Emm and Big M and Mark. It’s… Shoe and Viv and Yvonne and Helvi. Nev and Manne, Merv. I can see Gregor, Ricardo, Gez, Rosemary… Our mates. On an excursion. Didn’t ask us.”
Gordon O’Donnell feels indignity as rough as a pineapple. The tequila is fuel to a fire lit by a surround of carousing patrons du porc. “How did you get here,” Gordon demands to know.
“I came straight off the Flyer,” says Algernon as cheerful as a bird singing in a tree top.
“I caught the bus home. The Zephyr’s in for mechanicin’.”. It’s Foodge.
Others’ voices add ‘walked’, caught the bus’, ‘the other half dropped me off’, ‘me too’ and such like.
“Granny’s latest batch of Trotters,” whispers the Bish to Gordon. Words are a hurdle. “Don’t say anything about Space World, Gordy.”
“No fear,” Gordon whispers back. He is in the same quadrant on their dial. “Don’t mention the toad, Bish, I think.”
“What if he wakes up?” the Bish whispers, nervous, glances at the Pig’s Arms Sports Bar pedal bin.
“Goose!” Gordon answers in a snapped whisper at the Bish, “He won’t wake up. He can’t. He’s not real. Deny we know him anyway. We’ve done it once. We can do it again.”
“Why?” the Bish whispers back.
“Frogs are popular. Toads bring … opprobrium. They’re … a menace. We’ll get the blame. Anyway, if the toad is in the bin he’ll expire in Trotters’ slops.”
“Leave sleeping toads lie,” the Bish whispers as a cant.
“Good scheme. Say he’s a liar if he wakes up, escapes and says anything,” Gordon commands.
“Don’t mention the toad in the room,” the Bish cants.
“Someone’s got to get you blokes tucked up in your cots,” Merv announces. He slides a tray of freshly washed and polished new knives and forks the length of the new stainless steel serving bench and walks to its other end.
“Foodge?” He beckons. “Can you walk these blokes home?”
“Uncle Merv,” says Foodge, “Don’t want to. They should … should be made to pay their slate getting the way they are.”
“We spent all the coin we too… ” Gordon applies a hurtful kick to the Bish’s dangling shins. “Nexsht week, we promise,” the pair says half in unison as they slide unsteadily onto their feet off the new bar stools covered in shining new clear plastic.
“See, Uncle Merv. They’re all good for that.” Foodge is his ever trusting sheltered self and he relents. “We’re scootin’. Gettin’ on the frog and toad now.” Foodge nudges Gordon whose face has gone from pale to deathly white. “Come on, Gordon O’Donnell. Fresh air do you some good” he says, playful. “Come on, Bish. Uncle Merv, I’ll empty the pedal bin on our way out.”
“Good work. Place smells like a dead toad,” Big M gives a thumbs up. Merv feels a glow of Uncle pride to see Foodge recognised for domestic initiative after all these years.
The patrons du porc cheer.
“Be careful with that pedal bin,” Viv warns as Foodge grasps it, nonchalant, naïve of the skill it takes to empty a pedal bin holus bolus without liquid content dribbling at best off the rim of the bucket and around the lid hinge down his arm.
Gordon and the Bish stagger back and veer towards the door in a half run between them as Foodge throws the bin onto one shoulder. The patrons du porc gasp. The weight of the sliding bucket jams the lid of the pedal bin open. Rotting Trotters’ slops propel an arc in the air of liquid silage dotted with discernible strands of coleslaw and mayo.
“Surreal,” Nev says. Nev writes restaurant reviews and scores the pub with a 10 on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is the best.
“I think that’s him,” whines the Bish to Gordon and points to a crumpled black mass of oozing slime on the plastic cover of a table near the door.
“Don’t point!” orders Gordon from somewhere on high, “It’s Schticky Date Pudding.”
The Bish doubles over puking a splendid Inner Cyberian chunder on a new hessian and rag coiled rug at the door. “Lesh get out of here.”
“Where’zh our luggage, Gord,” the Bish asks as they step into night. The air is freezing. They walk along the pavement arm-in-arm to steady themselves
and for warmth. They have on Hawaiian shirts that smell bad and knee length shorts with plastic sandals.
“Dunno, I dunno,” says Gordon in reflection apparently on their luggage. His pondering might be on cold.
“Gord, I’m f’r shewer not shewer how much of our shtory’s true this time.” Gordon can see by a glimmer of a lone roadside lamp the Bish looks deep in thought.
“Bish, the toad’s closhest to trew truth.”
“That no-hoper, Gord. Couldn’t walk a straight line if he tried.”
To be continued…
Written by Christina Binning Wilson 2017
vivienne29 said:
Cripes I think I dreamt this last night. I also spent part of the night with old American friends I haven’t seen since 1974. This is too real. I didn’t know you knew shit a brick and fart a pebble – it’s one of my sayings. And the bin – that’s my job too.
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honshades said:
Hahahahaha hahaha haaaahhh oh my goodness haha that’s priceless .. and the bin’s your job too bwahhaha.
How unexpected. Excuse me while I get my composure together. So, credits needed. I decided to go all out and Hung does layout and chooses the graphics on this. He likes it, I think. He fixes a few things too, capital letters I’ve noticed. Last editor I had was a bit slack lol. I wrote, say the Advertisement in Part One about going to the moon with a mate. Save Space, but just the writing and sent the whole thing off to HOO to do as he will with it.
The last bit is Hung’s about shitting a brick and farting pebbles and the graphic. Isn’t that too beautiful. 😀
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vivienne29 said:
I said a good laugh in the morning was what I wanted – and you gave it to me. Hung and I must have a lot more in common than we realise. Looking forward to next ep Shoe – great stuff.
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vivienne29 said:
PS: it is indeed priceless. That’s why I love this place. And Hung enjoyed my Nurse Barbara true stories.
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honshades said:
This is very rewarding, Viv. It seemed a gamble. I hope you enjoy Part 3 as you clearly anticipate doing so. I think you will. It’s a surprise ending so I think so. I put in a maelstrom of thought where to take it for my readers so they were gathered in, I hope cosy, not too cosy, bit of pathos, bit of bathos and toad, not to allow him to pass without recognition as so many toads do, as slops. Too grim. Unbefitting the journey of toad. 😉
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vivienne29 said:
Shoe, about 5 years ago just after we had our septic tank pumped out (not the first time) something odd happened. I had frogs in the toilet bowl and then frogs in the bathroom and ensuite. I spent some weeks catching and releasing frogs until they stopped coming up the pipe to the toilet bowl. I became very adept at frog catching. All you need is an empty takeaway container (not the lid) and a stiff piece of paper.
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honshades said:
Haha. Yes. Hey, that is really an odd thing, the frogs coming up the pipe into the toilet bowl?That really amuses me.
I grew up in North Queensland as you know and it was ddad’s job to come out onto the landing and walk down the back stairs and make his way to the bathroom at the end of the open back porch/verandah at the sound of my plaintive cry for him to come and get the frog out of the toilet bowel. Frog or occasionally a toad. I remember those green glurpy frogs best.
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vivienne29 said:
So we both know about frogs in the toilet bowl. Mine jumped out of it of course and hopped around the floor. When I had gone for a pee and there was a frog or two in the bowl I just shooshed them out. I guess you noted that hubby did nothing about the frogs – just called out there is another one in my ensuite. I’ll be back in the morning with coffee and toast.
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honshades said:
I forgot about him. Sure I never saw him take action where there was a frog concerned and a very concerned frog otherwise perhaps indeed. It could have been worse. Frog carnage. 😉
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Mark said:
They were great Viv. Anytime you think of an article give it a go.
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Mark said:
Going to the moon, save space. I love double meanings and this one is a beauty.
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honshades said:
I’m touched you especially mention it. I thought it was a bit funny when I thought of it. Save Space, I mean. I guess someone’s done it before but I had never seen it.
Couldn’t believe how gorgeous the yacht pic is and your humour just thrills me. That’s an incredible skill you have.
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Big M said:
Eggcellent, with the gang present. Clearly there are gaps in Gordon’s knowledge of the way the universe works, but they reckon he’s forgotten more than he’s remembered, or is it the other way around? Some sorta transmat thingy. Merv knows how it all works. I’m hoping that Granny’s Best still has plenty of Galaxy hops on the foretongue, and lot’s of benzene overtones to follow through, with an oesophageal reflux driving alcohol level.
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honshades said:
Gordon’s saying ‘I dunno’ and repeating it is a departure I myself noted with some concern. Where might his lapse from knowing lead us. Especially he has mates he spends time with who go long on ‘I dunno’.
Big M, Granny gets you to write her labels up. I can tell. Anyway HOO says he’s onto Part 3 tomorrow. All will be revealed.
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honshades said:
You have provided great links that explain the whole meaning of the story of Foodge. I love the OneCard. 🙂
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honshades said:
Intended for Mark. Thank you for posting Part 2, good chum.
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Mark said:
Justs get better Shoe. I love it.
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Mark said:
Part 3 tomorrow, can’t wait. I haven’t read it actually. I did the next episode totally blindfold.
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honshades said:
That’s the zarkin’ spirit! Loyal to the end! HOO! You’re flyin’ BLIND!
Wow! That’s haphazard! EXCELLENT! 😀
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Mark said:
I guess if I open my eyes I may gets scared or is that scarred.
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honshades said:
I’ve thought about that a lot recently though eh vis a vis scared and scarred. It’s awesome I’m at an age when I truly recognise experience that has left scars. I experience it as a roller coaster. ps we’ll have to lay in a stock of fashion blindfolds so we look up to the minute ha ha ha
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