Digital Muscles – Warrigal raises the Bar – Bel

The mood on the S.S. Julian is sombre. The Kipper was killed in the fighting with the ICCB troops on Zog. This is our first loss and I’m finding it rather difficult to come to terms with the whole thing. We have just held the funeral service for the Kipper and placed him in a can, just like all good Kippers like to be. Dave does a rendition of Don McLean’s Vincent and Jilligan places the Kipper’s favourite hat on top of the can. We all head to the Bats Droppings to have a few pints or so to mourn the loss of our crew member.

Henry, our navcom, informs me that we are being followed by an ICCB ship however it’s not a warship “Blow the zarking thing up” I call through the intercom. “Lord Climate, an ICCB representative wishes to beam aboard, it’s a Lord Algernon, the ICCB’s Business Relationships Manager” says Henry “Tell him to zark off, anyway what business to we have with those dickheads?” I reply in a rather frustrated tone. I’m tired, the gun battle was hard going however what was worse was I had to listen to some Beatles music, yyyyeeeeuck. It was good though watching those ICCB troops running for the hills trying to get there headsets off.

“Sandy” says Michael in his usual Welsh sing-song way “Why don’t we at least listen to what he has to say, could be entertaining.” “No not today, ain’t in the mood. Henry tell him to zark off and put the peddle to the metal and get the zark out of here” I state firmly into the intercom.

Suddenly the walls start to melt and the room seems to spin. Wow, this Trotter’s is strong stuff. Belinda and Helvi are sitting at the table, no the roof, no outside, no at the table, what is zarking going on? Just as that thought enters my head everything returns to normal, what ever that is. “Catherine” I bark into the intercom “what’s going on?” I demand. Silence. Catherine is the central computer and hasn’t responded something bad is happening. “Henry” I yell to the navcom “what’s going on dude?” More silence. Helvi touches my arm “Sandy I think we’ve hit a POTHOLE” Oh zarking hell, this place is mad. “A pothole Helvi, out here in space” I rant getting more nervous by the minute, “No not that sort of pothole. POTHOLE stands for Potential Other Time History OverLay Episode” A zarking acronym, boy when I get back to earth that Hung One On bloke is gunna get a beating. “Helvi, a what, please explain?” I ask pathetically, mentally drained and tired I wanna go home. “A POTHOLE occurs when an incident happens somewhere in the universe where there is more than one outcome. So something to do with Lord Algernon has changed. Maybe in another time history you actually met with him, in this one you don’t.”

I feel ill. The ship has changed, everything is bigger and there seem to be more crew. Funny thing is that I seem to be able to see much better like never before. Colours, clarity and at any distance. I glance at Belinda, her bust line is magnificent, bigger, bolder and superb. Something stands to attention in my jocks. I pull my shirt out of my trousers and take a quick look. Cowabunger! It’s huge. What in zark sake is going on? A pothole, did something else really happen, why am I thinking about baked beans on toast, very strange.

“Central computer respond” I ask “Central Computer responding Lord Climate” states the computer. “Why don’t you respond to Catherine?” “There is nothing in my memory banks that recognises that term sir” “Okay then, from now on you are Catherine, a cat loving IT guru with a feisty personality style, understood?” “Reprogramming” says the computer. “Navcom respond” I bark. “Navcom responding Lord Climate” “What is your model number?” I request “Ne.V.ILL.e” Hmmm, n e v i l l e, spells Neville, well sort of “Respond to Neville” I request. “Reprogramming to Neville. What personality would you like Lord Climate?” asks Neville. Well Henry was English so lets have a change “Sassy American with a liking for fishing and jazz” I inform. “Catherine ask the ship its name” “Yes Lord Climate” purrs Catherine.

“Sandy, you look different” says Belinda “You’ve lost your tummy and wow, you’ve got more muscles” Yes and you wait till later tonight to see what else is different “Lord Climate” interrupts Catherine, just when I was getting to the good bit, “The ship is called the S.S. Julian II……”