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Sandy here. Had a strange dream last night. Belinda and I had some curried scallop pies washed down with some creamy apple cider so I think that’s what brought it on. Yes, well, I dreamt I was in a canoe on a lake in Africa with my mate Evil Car Knee Ville. Knee Ville and I were fishing. Anyway we started drinking beer, eating boiled eggs and smoking this strange substance from a pipe. So I cast out and along comes this magnificent looking fish and the fish says “Hey mate, got anything to eat, I’m hungry?” “I’ve got some bait if your interested, fish are supposed to love it” I reply in a casual semi-interested sort of tone. “Hmmm” says the fish “is there a catch, no pun intended?” “Well yes” I reply rather hesitantly “See I attach the bait to this hook. When you bite it the hook pierces your palate causing terrible pain and suffering. Then we haul you ashore, cut you up into little pieces, pan fry and eat you along with chips and lemon juice and salt.” “I don’t think I like that idea much” says the fish and leaves. “Hey Knee Ville , did you see that fish I almost caught?” “Sandy, that’s the oldest line in the book and by the way that’s Hemingway with one M” says Knee Ville. Then I wake up thinking about baked beans on toast, weird.
Helvi hasn’t been able to establish eye contact with me since my body altered however she is doing her best to help us understand the morphing process that has taken place. The village bio is much bigger as a garrison has been added and so an auto-pilot electric car is needed to get me to the Bats Droppings for a few Trotters, I mean you wouldn’t what to drink and drive would you, I mean that would be really bad and only evil dickheads would do that. The farm bio is now run by Mr and Mrs Douglas with their farm hand Eb. We also have a snowfield/chalet bio for holidays, a tropical island bio for Jilligan, who by the way, lives out there alone now the Kipper was killed. We now also have an outback station bio. The pics on the computer of it look great.
I ring Gordon, you know Gordon O’Donnell the creator of the universe. Gordon currently on Earth in the Pigs Arms drinking Trotters Ale all day every day as he does. “Gordon, Sandy here how the zark are you?” I press knowing it’s always good to get on the front foot with Gordon. “Bloody good mate, it’s all good” answers Gordon in an unusually good Australian accent “Now Sandy old boy” he continues “I believe you hit a POTHOLE, nasty things, will have to get onto the Council, anyway glad you rang mate, want you to head to Missen, the score in the first innings must be between 320 and 350, got that, it MUST be” asserts Gordon. “Gordon how can anyone head to missing?” I ask rather naively knowing I won’t like the answer. “No Missen, it’s a planet that orbits Capricorn in the Andromeda Galaxy, Neville will know the way, it’s only a couple of million light years away. You must get there before the rodent, you know he will zark the whole thing up, you know bribes, kids overboard. This is a very important part of my thesis.”
“On the subject of your thesis Gordon, what is it you are actually studying, I mean it’s not the cricket is it?” I barge in rather hot under the collar. “This is war Sandy” Gordon replies “And war is hell, and hell is beans Sandy, baked beans on toast. Forget this low glycemic index crap or the high fibre bullshit, this is about beans, baked beans and how they rule life the universe and everything” Gordon voice tapers to a final whisper, a man possessed by some demonic spirit or just really pissed on Trotters Ale, this has become scary stuff. “So why has the score in the first inning got to be between 320 and 350 Gordon?” I wade in foolishly. “Well Sandy, that’s the estimated number of beans in a 420 gram can of course!…..”
nevillecole said:
Finally getting back around to having a seat at the bar. I missed this place. Evil Car Knee Ville seems like a nice bloke to go fishing with…and fart jokes are always funny. Good one, Hung!
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Hung One On said:
Thanks Knee Ville, hope you didn’t mind the Evil part?
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Warrigal said:
I’ve set up a meeting for you Hung with psychiatrist of my acquaintance. He says he’s OK with keeping it on the QT. No need to startle the horses and frighten the children.
He told me he thinks he’s worked out your problem. He says you’ve got a bad case of the penny dreadfuls. It’s an episodic disease that comes and goes, curiously always leaving the patient impatient for more.
I’m sure you and he will be able to work it out.
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Algernon said:
I just can’t resist adding this scene from Blazing Saddles:
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Hung One On said:
Thanks Ace, one of the funniest scenes of all time
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Emmjay said:
It’s Slim Pickins ! Also famous (and less flatulently-oppressed) for his dying scene in Pat Garrett and Billy the Kid – backed by my old favourite exit music – Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door !
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Emmjay said:
Hungy, this leaves Douglas Adams in the shade, Bill Lawry and possibly also Geoff Boycott.
As it turns out, I am something of a common sewer of baked beans. For me Heinz are unassailably the best, and SPC would be pig food except that at the Pig’s Arms, we’re kind to porkers and would never stoop so low.
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Hung One On said:
Thanks Mikey, fartery will get you everywhere
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astyages said:
“Beans, beans the musical fruit,
The more you eat ’em, the more you toot” (Bart Simpson)
You know, Hung, in an emergency, there is enough energy in a single can of baked beans to get the Nimmow back into orbit! Just how this can be achieved, I shall leave up to your beautifully warped imagination!
😉
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Hung One On said:
When I grow up T2, I want to write just like you
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astyages said:
You’re doing okay as it is Hung, writing like yourself… but I appreciate the flattery!
🙂
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gerard oosterman said:
You’re not gay are you? 🙂 ,or maybe just catholic with a fatal fondness for baked beans while watching cricket.
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Hung One On said:
Beans means farts
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Hung One On said:
No not gay however Tutu says I’m happy most of the time 🙂
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H said:
Baked beans on toast, not something I dream about; I’ll leave the tinny tasting beans where they belong, in the tin, and eat the plain toast or maybe with some Vegemite or good marmelade…
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Hung One On said:
Hmmm, I’m with you on that one
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