Digital Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula
Hi, Sandy here. Yes you guessed it, I’m on a mission from Gordon, you known, Gordon O’Donnell, the creator of the universe. See Gordon and the Bish have sent me to Sumatra to investigate some island that decided to explode. I mean as if I know anything about exploding gas, well, Belinda might tell you different.
Luckily this time the Helvi-tastic has come with me as my body guard. Do I feel heartened? You would have to be zarking mad, listen to this,
“So Helvi, how’s life aboard the S.S. Julian II?” I ask given my disquietude for the crew had become worrisome.
“We are ready to fight, to kill and to die as martyrs” replies Helvi with her typical broad grin and than determined look that could kill at five metres. Scary stuff man.
“But Helvi who are we fighting?” I enquire with such rabid enthusiasm that watching cricket suddenly looks alluring. I go on “But Helvi, I think a volcano has erupted, who’s left to fight?” I plea.
“Sssssssssssssssaaannndddyyyyy, a warrior is always ready” replies Helvi in that voice that can scare the living shit out of anything. “I have both long range and hand held laser cannons, swords, star knifes, grenades and defence shields.” Does this woman come prepared or what?
So we land and are taken to the hardest hit region. There seems to be a lot of people running around, screaming and yelling “Watch out, Java is coming!” I mean what a time to have to update my computer, I hate it when this happens.
There is an army of folk and Red Cross volunteers trying to help people from zark knows where. I say to some bloke “Hey dude, where’s a good place to eat around here?” “Eat mate, what zarking planet have you been on?” he yells. “Well mate, I’ve been on lots of planets. This is Earth isn’t it? So where’s the zarking cricket mate?” I reply using my unctuous parish priest voice. “Cricket mate” the heavily armed bloke replies “We had to declare at 4 for 328 due to the zarking volcano, I’m personally shattered.” He’s opened up now. This is the real picture of living next to a live volcano. He continues “See I was on a fivefer[1], we had ‘em nailed, out guys would have got the runs easy.”
So guys there you have it. 328 runs on the board is a concern. The score defies the underlying principal of the universe being the average number of beans in a can of baked beans divided by the final score of a cricket innings. Some things in space just never cease to amaze me.
[1] Fiverfer – an amalgamation of the word five and for, indicating that a bowler has taken five wickets in an innings.]
astyages said:
Yo!
Hmmmm… what size can of baked beans Hung?
😉
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Hung One On said:
Trust you to pick it old bean 🙂 440 grams of course
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astyages said:
I see… in that case my guess is 2200…
What’s the prize again, Hung?
🙂
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Hung One On said:
astyages, the answer is closed to the fictional score in the article.
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Sandshoe said:
Gordon had likely rounded it up to make it easy to understand, asty.
🙂
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Big M said:
Thanks be to Gordon for such a fine priest as Sandy O’Way, and battle droid ‘Helvitastic.’
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astyages said:
That’s a wonderful picture of the battle droid innit, Big M? Wonder what they’d make of her over on the ‘Nazism is sexy’ blog…?
😉
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Big M said:
I’m getting a tattoo just like her’s.
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Hung One On said:
Gordon has style I must admit.
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Warrigal said:
It occurs to me that the Helvitastic Battle Droid may be hiding a Weapon of Mass Distraction there. The “H Bum”! One look and you’re immobilised!
Of course I should point out that the H-Tastic is a Battle Droid and any similarity between that droid and our own beautiful H is purely speculative, perhaps a “once upon a time” sort of thing.
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H said:
Sadly or to be more truthful, thankfully, the Pigs’ H, did not look like that ‘once upon a time’ or now or never…gez might disagree though.
Now, Warrigal, what about you; do you resemble the fuzzy bear at the bottom of Lehan’s pond? It’s your turn…
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Warrigal said:
It’s a dreadful likeness, but it is a likeness, perhaps a metaphorical likeness, perhaps….?
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Lehan Ramsay said:
Does it need changes Warrigal? It was only francis bacon I had to go by….
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Warrigal said:
Lehan, re changes. No changes are required. It’s beautiful as it is.
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Lehan Ramsay said:
We have a volcano about an hour’s drive away. It had a minor eruption about 8 years ago, it’s only just stopped smoking. One of the office workers said that if the eruption was bigger and the wind blew in our direction we would all die from poisonous gases. Will it be the poisonous gases, will it be a big earthquake, will it be a massive tidal wave or a devastating typhoon…there are always so many natural wonders to choose from on this island. Touch wood none of them have happened these last ten years.
The man in the hat shop showed me the photos his father took in the 60’s. There was a huge earthquake in Peru, and the sea around Hakodate went out until there was only sand for miles. The reverse tsunami. In Tokyo you worry about earthquakes because they happen a lot and no-one wants to be crushed in a sad old subway corridor. But here even as the earthquake is threatening to shake down the house and books are flying through the air people are thinking – uh-oh. Tsunami. People who live around vocanoes are fatalists.
Vocanoes are good for clay, clay is good for bricks and artists, not just because of the clay itself (you probably find more potters around vocanoes) but because clay is not good for farmland, so the land is cheap. Artists are probably fatalists at heart too. If they weren’t artists they would be dour little farmers.
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Lehan Ramsay said:
…and there you are, Hung One On, looking for a good fight and all the people around the volcano are wandering around with their eyes glued to the ground. “Are you using that brick?”, they say. “I’ll have that, I need it for my new kitchen….would you mind carrying that for me?”
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Lehan Ramsay said:
…I’m sure that if this volcano was in India or Pakistan you would still be able to talk with them about the cricket, regardless of any amount of poisonous gases. But Australians…you don’t find so many who’ll give up worrying about the poisonous gases and WHERE THE HELL ARE THE FIREMEN? to talk about the score. It’s a bit of a sad thing, the way people have lost the ability to concentrate on the cricket.
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Lehan Ramsay said:
If I ever get a tattoo, warrigal, I think it’ll be you I’ll be asking to design it…..
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Hung One On said:
The Helvi-tastic is my champion. She only dishes out good fictional violence
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H said:
I for one would not go to this priest with my confessions…
The only volcano I have ever come close is when we were driven around in the neighbourhood of MountMerapi in Java..
Come back, Julian, it’s getting a little a explosive here at Pigs!
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atomou said:
In space, Hungs? A whole lot of things on this zarking planet send me to the porcelain bus!
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Hung One On said:
Fine defaulters usually
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