There is no such thing as ‘normal’, even amongst the world of public toilets and taps. I thought I had seen the end of abnormal taps when leaving Goulburn and moving to the Bowral environs. No such luck. Abnormal public toilet accessories might be rare but they still exist, even here in Bowral. I first encountered those strange taps in Goulburn and opposite the Court House. Perhaps as a reminder that punishment will be meted out to you no matter where you are or indeed, can be applied without a Judge or Court, as a result of merely washing your hands. Justice has many mysterious ways.
The fore mentioned abnormal taps are of the kind that are totally useless for those with a single arm or one hand disabled or in a sling, broken, smashed or even without fingers. Those taps stubbornly refuse to give water as soon as you want to feel the wetness of it. There is some kind of mechanism that shuts the water off as soon as you need it. No matter how fast you move your hands under the tap, not a drop will the tap surrender. I don’t know the hydrological engineer responsible for this wonder but it must have been his or hers life’s work. The Michael Angelo of taps.
You can only get water from the tap by one hand turning the tap and holding on to it for dear life and wet the other hand under its stream. You can’t rub hands together. You can only kind of rub fingers and rotate the wrist a bit. You can then do the same with the other hand. But the whole job becomes frustrating and it leaves the job of cleansing of hands almost hardly worth going on with it. You give up and hope the next public toilet will be less punishing.
Then there are those park benches, made to torture at best but more likely to have been designed not to be sat upon, ever. You still see them sometimes, especially at railway stations or bus stops and again as with the taps, outside Court Houses. They are made of two pre-cast concrete upright structures, bolted down (who would steal those?) which support sturdy wooden joists across. The hardwood timber supports are spaced too wide apart and it takes only those with generous bottoms to glean any comfort from them. For those with normal bums, those seats are best negotiated by constantly moving or shuffling backwards and forwards, relieving the cutting of blood supplies to thighs or vital organs including of course the male conjugal part(s). I am glad to say though, that they are now being replaced with far more ergonomically designed wooden structures that are comfortable and good looking as well.
One should always look out for the good things in life!

With the ladies toilet being called a ‘rest room’, or ‘powder room’ ,I often wondered why none such euphemisms were used for the male convenience.
Yet, there was Barry Humphrey’s back in the seventies using, “pointing Percy at the porcelain’, ‘shaking hands with the unemployed’, waving to wife’s best friend’, syphon the python’ and so many others. Why not have ‘Python room’, or ‘ wife’s friend room?
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How about “Alan Jones Headquarters” or “George Michaels Recording Studio”
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Boys own pissoir? Or, “Knobs hang -out”? or……… “Hung-one delights”?
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In some cases it could be called the ‘thunder box’, although Jones and co probably think of it as a recreation centre.
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True story:
I enter an “automated” loo to do some poo, in Balwyn. (The reason I had to do this, is because I had to wait for mother at this place but she was very late; and because I had drunk a milkshake with unknown ingredients -but that’s another true story!)
You press a button and the door opens. Then you get a message over some hidden loudspeaker, that you have ten minutes. You pull your daks and undies down, then you sit upon the seat… wondering whether mother will arrive while you’re doing your poos! Oh, look! You don’t have to wonder any more. The door opens wide and the busy street becomes the huge audience of an ancient Greek comedy! The door, of course is far too far for you to reach from your seat. Some bizarre message again from the hidden speakers, which I cannot recall… like “thank you for using our blah blah loos…”
I got up, shut the door and thought that was it. No, sixty seconds later (they’re made to the minutest precision, these automated loos) the door opens again and the message is heard again.
This time I shut the door and wiped my bum in record time. Should write to the Guiness Book of records about that.
The was a phone number on the inside of the door. I tried to take down but it kept shutting on me! Finally, I pulled out my mobile and rang the crowd.
The audience gathered around as I gave the woman at the other end a most gloriously eloquent explication of the state of my emotions at the time and what I thought about their blah blah loos!
Thanking Zeus for small mercies, I noted the fact that I wasn’t kept on hold and dragged from musical interlude to musical interlude or to a message machine or to some foreign nation where the folk there don’t know where Oz is or what language they speak.
Glad to see mother was all right!
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There’s a public dunny in Newcastle of a similar nature. Not for the faint hearted. Within seconds of the seat being placed down the flush begins…from ceiling to floor. Many a pensioner has escaped, after an involuntary shower in piss tainted water.
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That would have to be the ‘Gold Standard’ in loo experiences Ato. The closest I can come up with, is, while squatting above one of those odiferous French ‘hole’ toilets I dropped the whole roll of my own toilet paper and ended up using my hankie. Necessity is the mother of invention.
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Thank god for the hankie, otherwise it could have turned into a KFC moment!
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Keith Football Club?
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You mean, use a drumstick?
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Or a wing
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Whose Keith?
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A town is SA near the border with Vic. The Keith Football Club has the initials KFC, finger lickin good
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Or a wish bone?
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Gordan gets the Gong: Finger Lickin’ Good!
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Drop the wish bone in the wishing well.
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We’ve got one in our local park that plays music. Same thing over and over again.
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Ask Alan Jones. He is renown for public toilet etiquette
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There’s a cottage in him somewhere.
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Oh Dunny Boy!
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The pipes are calling.
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Oh, LOL, Big M boy 🙂
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Are the pipes texting or tweeting, Big M ?
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I don’t think that texts n tweets can escape from the glens.
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Perhaps a mountain in his pocket or hie’s just pleased to see you.
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I mentioned taps and loos last year after a visit to Melbourne and shopping in recently renovated department stores. One had a tap which you just waved your hands under and water came out and stopped when you removed your hands. I forget all the other details but some were improvements and some were complete mysteries as were the doors to the loos. Some required footwork too. But your discovery Gerard is something you should take up with the Council.
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Yes, I remember they had those taps at a large petrol and BigMac stop-over towards Gosford .You approached the tap et voila, water would come out of them. They also had bench seats. I sat there for a-while just soaking up the **** star luxury of it all.
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In the old days women never ever went to public toilets called ‘toilet.’ They went to ‘Ladies rest rooms’, ot to ‘Powder Rooms’ and hold on…. for this one….. “Ladies reserves”.. I forgot if the women were fenced in or not, or if children fed them crusts of stale bread..
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Yes, they did have rest rooms and powder rooms but they were mainly in big stores (like Myer) where women could rest as well as go to the loo. There were lounges and such – shopping was hard work. But real public toilets are the ones you find in parks, and in towns and cities as a completely separate building (not in the cinema or stores) – they were always Public Toilets.
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I was always fascinated by those stainless steel crappers in Goulbourn Park. Made me want one of my own!!
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Those taps must have been spring loaded to save water but at the cost of hygiene..
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I’m not telling you if I find those Abnormal Park Benches comfortable or not, it would be giving away my bottom size…(according to gez’ story)
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