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Author Archives: gerard oosterman

What Not To Wear (for men)

23 Saturday Jan 2010

Posted by gerard oosterman in Helvi Oosterman, Ladies Lounge

≈ 17 Comments

Tags

Hermes ties, Rm Williams boots, socks with sandals

By Helvi Oosterman

When popping into Pigs Arms for my daily pink drink, I have been alarmed by the gear you blokes wear at this watering hole. Room for improvement?  Yes, yes…

First of all you should know that the wearing of narrow-legged beige shorts with sandals and the knee socks is only permissible for very old blokes residing in Queensland. As we know it’s no use trying to change old dogs’ habits…none of you here of course do fit into this ‘too-old-category’.

Thongs should be flung out, not only for the aesthetic reasons but also because they give their wearer a funny walk. Whilst you are trying to keep them on, you have to carefully throw your legs about without bending your knees…not a good look!

Coloured shirts with white collars make you look like a nursing sister, even if you obviously aren’t. We gently leave Mr Turnbull to wearing his shirts, he’s suffered enough already. Most likely we have Lucy to blame here.

If you happen to covet a navy blazer adorned with ‘gold’ buttons, stop coveting!  Only dapper Italian males can wear them with panache. They have enough nous to pair them with grey flannelette trousers, and to throw a pale blue Armani shirt and a subtle silk tie by Hermes into the mix.

Tapered- down- wide-at-the-waist tough denim from a discount store is best left to elderly carpenters and country plumbers. Clearly to be avoided after hours…

Now we all know that President Bush had a knack of wearing cowboy boots with flair; he has the bandy long legs and the right kind of Texan gait the boots demand. Still, any shortie trying to add height by stepping into them should be stopped immediately.

Head-to-toe R M Williams gear is not making you look like a wealthy land owner, rather it gives you away as a city slicker who has recently purchased a minor hobby farm and who has not yet had time to dirty his hands on a hard-to-start tractor or on an obstinate generator.

Fluoro work wear is designed for folk in hazardous occupations, not for idle Telstra blokes heating their billy cans for morning tea break on the roadside. Nor is it meant for unemployed youth hanging around shopping malls.

Teaming trackie pants with black dress shoes is also verboten, and very long and very pointy shoes can only be worn by rebellious teenagers in black pipe jeans. I’m personally very tolerant and give my blessing when it comes to eccentric Finnish groups like the ‘Leningrad Cowboys’…

Red woollen jumpers, so loved by English gentlemen and by our own Curry Colonel, usually matched by equally ruddy faces, are best replaced by other colours; say navy, camel or even forest green. They are more complimentary to too-much-Shiraz affected gobs (sorry about the bad choice of words, I did not want too much repetition).

White shiny suits are a must, but only if you are an Albanian pop singer taking part in the Eurovision song contest. Long wavy black hair and white shoes are allowed to compliment the outfit. For everyone else, even for Bob Hawke white shoes are an absolute no-no, no matter what Blanche says.

White, black and sand coloured canvas loafers are highly recommended though, for young and old as suitable summer footwear.

Shortish navy or khaki elastized waist, drill shorts, worn by likes of Paul Hogan and Steve Irving are only passable on young well  built swimming pool maintenance workers. It also helps if they have short blond hair and a wide smile and if they wear acid/bleach damaged Blundstones to boot!

 

Workman’s Weekly

20 Wednesday Jan 2010

Posted by gerard oosterman in Gerard Oosterman, The Mens, The Public Bar

≈ 31 Comments

Workman’s weekly.

You knew the week-end was coming to the end on any Sunday afternoon, rain or shine. A kind of gloom set in as if any enjoyment should never have been trusted in the first place. The suburban strips of hooded shops and steel awnings were closed up, and dogs and people had disappeared. Was this not the time on a Sunday afternoon to expect the arrival of the “Demon of Noontide’?

Some of the tens of thousands across Sydney and other places would now be getting ready for the routine of obtaining the ticket to work by rail during the week. In those days a weekly train ticket was the best option for those that did not yet have a car. This ticket was called ‘workman’s weekly’. It was coloured a cheerful red and had both the destination and the year’s week number printed on it. Next week the same colour but the next number would be featured.

It is rather nice to know that in those days, a workman and his workman’s ticket was part of a society that had not yet discovered the stigma that would later attach itself to the word ‘workman’ by some. How many would now saunter up to a rail station, let alone buy a” workman’s weekly ticket”?

Of course, to avoid queuing on Monday morning in the thick of it all, the better planned would get the ticket from the nearest railway station on the Sunday afternoon.

Therefore there would often be a slight flare up of life and respite from the ‘Sunday demon’ between four and six pm or so, especially around the railway stations, when one could see fellow workers, so staunch and brave, facing the coming week with an heroic and fearless grim determination to buy his weekly ticket.. Oddly enough, those tickets, as far as I remember, could also be bought by work-women. Perhaps I am wrong here. Was there some sort of letter of proof from employer that one was engaged in physical work?

Monday mornings were so much better for having survived the Sunday, another week and another quid was now coming up, we are talking about seventeen pounds ten shillings per week here, being about the average adult wage, back in 1956. It was mid-summer.

The trains had sliding doors that were manually wrenched open by burley blue yakka’ed station attendants. The waiting workers would flick away the Ready Rub fag end and all would align and board the train.

The trains then, as perhaps still now, were of a past era but very much accepted as being modern, almost in vogue. There were no toilets or water on board, so passengers would develop strong constitutions and camel like water retaining attributes and bladders, even travel by late pregnant women would be undertaken with no worries. The date on the steel couplings between carriages was around 1932 or 34 and above the seats were still those brass ornate luggage racks, now keenly sought by inner city residents to use as holders for their terracotta potted geraniums.

The workmen and their workman’s tickets were of the norm then and so were men in overalls and travelling women with hair curlers. The trains would be packed.

Heralds and Telegraph papers would be spread open and many women would knit, young men would glance through Post and Pix magazines, with photos of girls in swimwear revealing nude knees and even feet. The afternoon papers, Mirror and Sun featured scandalous stories of Princess Margaret’s romances and titillating scandals of Professors at Tasmanian Universities. Every six months or so, when sales were down, papers would print front page with a single word ‘WAR’. It was often a fracas in Egypt or disturbance in Malaysia. But the paper’s edition went sky high.

As the train arrived, its passengers would be disgorged and new ones would hop on, perhaps shift workers going home on the reverse trip.

Many workers carried those big bags that clipped together at the sides and would bulge downwards. Inside those bags one could easily have discovered tinned containers with clip on lids that held the previous night’s dinner leftovers. Those tucker tins and other goodies would then be eaten after the factory siren heralded the thirty minutes lunch break.

A lot of work carried out in factories was done by unskilled or semi skilled workers. It often involved very repetitive work, day in day out arms and hands sometimes combined with feet would perform the same movements all day. Those movements sometimes also had a counter on the machine and a minimum number of movements were required per day. To make extra money, it was encouraged to do more movements with working faster or taking shorter breaks. Often safety shields on machinery would be disengaged for extra speed, risking workers losing hands or limbs by compromising on safety.

But what sustenance the men derived from their tucker boxes of the previous night’s morsels, many women would get for tuppence out of the slotted coin machines fastened on the wall next to the bundy clock, in the form of headache powders. The bundy clock was that dreaded invention that would stamp arrival and finishing times at the factory.  Some stricter regimes also had time for lunch breaks recorded on those machines.

The bundy clock

It wasn’t so much the headache or other ailment those women suffered from, no it was more for the enjoyment of ‘getting a lift’, as I was often told. It was also not the single occasional paper foil of headache powder, no, three or four a day, and every day. Are you a bit sick, I asked? “No no, it picks me up you know, it makes me feel a bit better”.

Years later, when thousands of women developed liver and kidney ailments it was blamed on those headache powders, the ingredient of phenacetin was the culprit. Many women ended up with all sorts of organ breakdowns through their overuse.

I sometimes thought that in those times, with the six o’clock swill at the ‘Locomotive or Cricketer’s Arm’ and similar, and those men pissing money on boots and porcelain, with pyjama clad kids hanging around pubs waiting and hoping daddy would come home soon for dinner, had a lot to do with the ‘lift’ that those factory women were getting and needing out of the tuppence phenacetin loaded headache powder slot machines.

Then there were those that did not have clip on bags nor clipped tucker boxes. These were the recently arrived Europeans from complicated countries and backgrounds. Thick accents, some heavily vowel rounded, others guttural consonantly. Many silently doing the factory processing work, week in and out, bending over machinery, often imported from their home country, making bolts and nuts or putting thread on same.

Hungarians, Czechs, and Slavs with professorial demeanours and qualifications from Giessen or Vienna and with Cum Laude as well, doing now in factories what the Bill O’Reilly’s had done for generations. These were the times of ‘workman’s tickets, factory work and European migration’.

Cognac, even after Death. (there is hope)

20 Wednesday Jan 2010

Posted by gerard oosterman in Poets Corner

≈ 8 Comments

A mysterious visitor who each year leaves roses and cognac on Edgar Allen Poe’s tomb in Baltimore, Maryland, has missed his rendezvous for the first time in 61 years, the Poe Society said.

“He did not show up this morning,” Jeffrey Savoye, secretary and treasurer of the 380 member society, said.

Each year since 1949 on the 100th anniversary of Poe’s birth, an often-cloaked individual has left a bottle of cognac and a few roses at the foot of Poe’s tomb, usually at night, in tribute to the legendary poet.

“Occasionally he showed up early, like 11:00 to 11:30 the evening before. But normally it’s from midnight to 5:00 am,” Mr Savoye said.

He said around 50 people waited in vain from Tuesday night to watch the “Poe Toaster”, as the visitor has been dubbed.

Many travelled from across the United States for the 201st anniversary of Poe’s birth.

“As far as we know, they have not missed a year until now,” Mr Savoye said.

The original yearly visitor apparently died in 1998, but left the pilgrimage up to his two sons.

“We were left a note some years ago saying that the original toaster had died … We interpreted the message that the torch will be passed… We are assuming that two sons of this person have been carrying it on,” Mr Savoye said.

“We don’t know who they are.”

–AFP

The US knows best.

19 Tuesday Jan 2010

Posted by gerard oosterman in Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 6 Comments

Solar-powered Bibles sent to Haiti

Solar powered bible

Posted 48 minutes ago

As international aid agencies rush food, water and medicine to Haiti’s earthquake victims, a United States group is sending Bibles.

But these aren’t just any Bibles; they’re solar-powered audible Bibles that can broadcast the holy scriptures in Haitian Creole to 300 people at a time.

The Faith Comes By Hearing organisation says its Bible, called the Proclaimer, delivers “digital quality” and is designed for “poor and illiterate people”.

It says 600 of the devices are already on their way to Haiti.

The Albuquerque-based organisation says it is responding to the Haitian crisis by “providing faith, hope and love through God’s word in audio”.

The audio Bible can bring the “hope and comfort that comes from knowing God has not forgotten them through this tragedy,” a statement on its website says.

“The Proclaimer is self-powered and can play the Bible in the jungle, desert or … even on the moon!”

Tens of thousands of Port-au-Prince residents are living outdoors because their homes have collapsed or they fear aftershocks following Wednesday’s quake.

– Reuters

Thor’s Hammer at Brayton

16 Saturday Jan 2010

Posted by gerard oosterman in The Mens

≈ 19 Comments

Tags

Canberra National Museum, Thor, thunderstorm, Wellingtons, Wollondilly

Rain, glorious rain.

We decided to take the kids to Canberra’s National Museum. Before we drove  off, the sky darkened with a promise of great drama to come. They were those kind of clouds, rolling  with menace and Helvi’s headache heralded something was in the air. We and the kids were most impressed with the Museum. Everything was askew and at acute angles. In the big theatre we watched with awe Australia’s white history but not before we had also watched in a smaller theatre the history from ‘black fellow’ Australia. This theatre had a revolving stage, fascinating for the kids. At the bigger theatre all went well, with the braveness of soldiers marching off to some war somewhere  when also all of a sudden a Qantas Boeing was taking off non-stop to somewhere.. I woke up refreshed.

Driving back, the clouds were black and white hot bolts of lightning flashing and thunderous claps sure made for a promise of water at our farm at Brayton.

Wellingtons for Lightning Protection

It pelted and the rain was drought breaking. I mean, paddocks awash and traffic to a snarl. When arriving home, Helvi checked and the gauge had run over. Empty and fill up again, 32 mls. Another storm, another 26 mls. The thunder and lightning was something to behold. The best for over 5 years. Total tally so far 82mls.

Wollondilly in Action

Wollondilly in Action.

Ciggies no more

15 Friday Jan 2010

Posted by gerard oosterman in The Public Bar

≈ 38 Comments

Here you go. From the mouth of the BBC. Enjoy!http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/8458347.stm

Craven A and spittle.

05 Tuesday Jan 2010

Posted by gerard oosterman in Gerard Oosterman, The Public Bar

≈ 10 Comments

The cleaning at Roger’s Chains factory lasted just a few weeks, by which time I had earned some money which I gave towards the family for saving better accommodation.  I kept some which I put in a tin. My regular weekly spending was for a small packet of Graven A filter cigarettes, and the occasional orange drink called Fanta.  An apple pie, just once a week was a special treat.

My next job, without even losing one day was at another engineering factory, just a few streets behind the old job. It was run and owned by a man with just one leg. I seemed to be destined to meet creatures with missing limbs! Why was that so? Was life so fraught with accidents or danger here in Australia, that, people, dogs and cars would so casually go without important parts? The owner’s other leg was made of something artificial, perhaps wood, that used to creak when he slowly walked around the factory floor.  Did the leg’s hinges need lubricating?

His house was just in front of the factory. I sometimes used to see the wife.  She was very prim and proper and polite; contend to mind the petunias in the front garden, and keeping well away from the factory. The factory owner always had a cigarette hanging from his mouth which made the (bad)word fucking even more sinister sounding. The F seemed to go on forever, hissing with spittle as a lubricant. He did obey the rule though of never saying that in front of his wife.

The job of cleaning the factory floor was sometimes relieved by learning to work on machinery, a capstan lathe and milling machines, making nuts or bolts, putting threads on them, in fact, a bit of skill creeping into my daily routine. In the meantime I had saved for an old bicycle and saved bus money by travelling to and from work by bike.

The job was not what I intended to do when still back in Holland. I had some vague idea of studying to become an aircraft engineer. Sweeping a factory and buying lunches for factory workers was not all that inspiring, nor was the blatant homosexual capers that used to be played out very edifying. The non-stop pretend buggering was endemic, and the tolerance towards it staggering. Here was a really curious bit of factory culture. Most of the adult workers were married, had families or if not married, spoke about their girlfriends. Yet, it was almost as if all that homosexual pretend buggering was proof of being hetero sexual. To not partake in it, as I refused to do, was considered to be sissy. The social gatherings at that time showed similar traits. To be with women at a party was seen as having ‘poofter’ inclinations. You would not want to be seen with the opposite sex as this was being ‘soft’ and not masculine. Perhaps it had again something to do with the acute shortage of women during those penal times some decades before, and many just had to do with what was available and that was each other, and of the same sex. Old habits die hard. Another habit was to stick fingers up an unexpected worker’s bum through overalls or apron.  It was called ‘dating’.

Bucket Pissing and Apple Pies.

04 Monday Jan 2010

Posted by gerard oosterman in Gerard Oosterman, The Public Bar

≈ 8 Comments

Anyway, as stated, mum took things in her own hand and despite having hardly any English took it upon her to salvage family. She dragged me and Frank around an employment agency and immediately found work. My first wage was about 4pounds and 5 shillings, but with overtime this could easily become 6 pounds. Frank, with his difficult behaviour and bouts of anger would go through many jobs, each time it seemed as if jobs were available almost everywhere one applied. My dad also finally got out of bed and after a few jobs in blue overalls managed to get a technical job that he knew something about. Telephone equipment was his expertise and he seemed happy in that, it offered some security.

The old house was noisy to the extent that in the mornings the daughters of the Van Dijks of which there were four, took turns pissing loudly in a bucket which was just on the other side of a rather flimsy partition, knocked together by Mr V.Dijk to give our quarters some sort of privacy. The privacy was a bit three legged as well, but we took great joy in the sound of their bucket noises and used to holler out Dutch coarse words, followed with great laughter and mirth making. It was a bit of relief from the hardship!

Three legged dog

My introduction to work was about at the time when dad was in the middle of his six weeks bedded down with a melancholy and deep depression. The pissing daughters next to the flimsy partition, the rats and three legged dog and car, took its toll. My first job was cleaning the floor of “Roger’s Chains”, which was a big metal shed factory with many men working machinery making links of chains, large and small. The part that I liked most was the ordering of the factory workers lunches. Meat pies, apple pies and soft drinks. I was amazed how some of them would just eat only half and throw the rest out, on the floor. I was almost tempted to eat those remnants, but did not for fear of getting infected with something horrible. The main problem was understanding the Australian accent or slang. I did notice one word that kept cropping up and seemed to be repeated in almost every third or fourth word. I decided to ask the Van Dijks. What is this fukking or fucgling or fouging, I asked them?  Now, you would have thought that their Dutch background would have immediately come to the rescue and explain the meaning of that word. No word in Dutch was something to be ashamed off. Sure, there are coarse words; even so, they are still just words. Instead, their assimilation to Australia and it’s culture was so successful that they immediately went into that silly world of sniggering and evasively trying to convey that there was something absolutely terrible going on with that word, without giving the requested explanation.

They finally told me that the word was bad and that it was alright for men to talk like that but never ever in front of a woman, how curious. Not using certain words in front of a woman? What was going on here? The next bit of salient advice from the Van Dijks was to always say, beggepayrden. If you don’t understand something, just say; beggepayrden. When passing someone on the bus, peggepayrden again. Well, beggepayrden we all did. I beg your pardon!

L’aubergade

31 Thursday Dec 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in Gerard Oosterman, The Dining Room, The Public Bar

≈ 15 Comments

Just when my reminiscing had calmed down and were having our second coffee in bed, up came the subject of popular inner city restaurants. I suppose, the period between the eighties and mid nineties. We had kids that were grown up enough not to need minding and enough dosh to occasionally go for a nosh. L’ironique was French and next door almost to our flower shop ‘Bloomsbury’. It was always good value and the peppery steak mignon with cantarelli mushrooms was my favourite. A great pity the owners walked out after that disastrous Rainbow Warrior affair in New Zealand  in 1985,when many locals turned against anything French, including L’ironique restaurant. The couple running it were actually from Belgique.

This is the reason of the picture of my first bike. I spent time in Southern Belgium just after the war when the Rotterdam quack reckoned I was too close to expiring and in dire need of good and more tucker than my mother could provide. I developed as a first language French and mes parents could not understand me when I finally returned after adequately been fattened up, mainly by bucket loads of mussels. I can still see steaming pots of them. Those temporary foster Belgians gave me that bike and had a large garden in which I was fascinated by all things flying, especially butterflies for which the kind people had given me a net to try and catch them.

The next best restaurant was in Cleveland street, Surrey Hills named L’aubergade. I feel it could still be there. They survived the anti French period. Another beauty but Italian was La Lupa, first in Surrey Hills and later in Balmain. I used to love their grilled liver soaked first in lemon juice.

Another Italian place in Liberty Street, Stanmore was the one for veal and oregano (saltimbocca). It was a family run restaurant in a large converted house.  I have forgotten the name.

So, there you are. My first bike. Mike has put me off the H Davison, I suppose too big and heavy, too US too. Think will contemplate the Duke. I saw a yellow one here in Goulburn, very sleek.

All the best for everyone but especially all the piglets in the New Year.

Gerard.

First Fags and Boners

29 Tuesday Dec 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in The Mens

≈ 28 Comments

As a thirteen year old at school, I feared most to be called in front of the class and give an explanation on the advantages of the Treaty of Utrecht. I wasn’t the only boy to fear those impromptu frontages. They were the times when swollen acorns featured prominently and not just in class rooms. Those ‘impromptu swellings’ seemed to have a life of its own at that time. Thoughts about those pubescent and glowing roseate girls’ thighs in their school shorts were the bane of any school boy’s attempt at Treaties of all countries, especially in front of the class.

They were the times of my first fag. It was so simple and so desirable, to be like dad and older friends, to smoke tobacco and be seen as growing up, even if not yet grown-up. The oak’s acorn was the smoking implement par excellence at those post war times in The Hague. The mature acorn was hollowed out and pierced about 5 ml from the bottom allowing a grass straw to be inserted. This was my first smoking tool and even though those first draws made me reel and almost sick, I loved the sick. What a heaven had opened up.

I had a few mates in cahoots with those acorn pipes and somehow cents were put together and tobacco was bought. We used to hide in ‘portieks’, they were a kind of alcove or vestibule that most city streets had before entering individual apartments or flats. The joy of those first illicit smokes, hidden from view, carried me for years and even now I have no regrets.

Sure, the acorn smokes and those roseate coloured thighs turned into a hiatus in my education, but so did my parents’ decision to leave my city and country. I suppose at that time, smoking and thinking, dreaming about girls had priority over anything else, especially that dreary circa 1700 Treaty with those fucking Spaniards.

I gave up smoking in my early fifties only on the promise of starting again when turning sixty. I am (wait for it, on the cusp, ha, ha, of seventy) and haven’t done so yet.

Ah, those acorn pipes. Those first sickening tobacco draw backs. Those swollen impromptu boners in classroom frontages with Mr Kohler.

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