Tag Archives: marriage

Expensive Weddings add to Global Warming too

12 Sunday Dec 2010

Posted by in Gerard Oosterman

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A few evenings ago I was totally sucked in by a TV program on weddings. We were taken for a long ride through all the various aspects of ‘wedding planning’. Who would have thought, even remotely, how simple weddings could turn into those outrageous levels of commercial exploitations as shown during the evening. I was astonished to hear that in America (where else?) the 2 to 3 million costing wedding is accepted now, and indeed something that we should all aspire to. Alas, here in Australia, one of the wedding consultants lamented, we are still stuck on the $ 200.000,- to $300.000.-wedding.’’We are getting there, it just takes more time’, she enthused.

The best part were the wedding preparation workshops called ‘seminars’ and run by a savvy looking bloke, competing against a young ambitious woman. Both were expert wedding consultants. Towards the end of the program, all the consultants confessed that none were interested in marriage. Perhaps they were also running a lucrative private post marriage counselling service as well!

The sums just in running the seminars were phenomenal, held in prestigious Melbourne exhibition palaces. Rows and rows of white stretch limousines, endless groaning racks of bridal gowns, table settings, acres of seductive lingerie. At one stage future brides, as a special promotion, were seen to dig into a huge wedding cake that had a $ 4000.- ring hidden inside. All this part of an exhaustive programme with the throngs of thousands future brides queuing and paying up big already just for the tickets and the ‘grooming up’ by consultants for spending fortunes for the ‘big day’, not far off. Bridal faces were flushed with regal expectations and future grooms were fixated on the tables exhibiting shapely plaster torsos and busts encased and eclipsed with frilly minimum lingerie and intimate apparel with pale pink satin lace stitched around the edges. I had to suppress a strong desire to compare lambs to the slaughter analogy and took a biscuit break.

‘ The attention to detail is what we specialise in’, the daughter and mother marriage specialists uttered during the evening. Indeed, there was a bit of a problem with the butter being served inside the foil wrappings that could possibly be seen as lowering the standards a little. Cool as a cucumber and with an expert hawk eye cast over the wedding participants, the mother specialist consultant, cheque in handbag, herded the entourage, couple by couple and equally spaced apart inside the church. The lovely and obligatory Bach’s ‘Ave Maria’ was carefully being played by real players with cellos, violins and singers. I almost expected the arrival of castrati to have flown in from Italy, just for the occasion. The weddings were grand affairs.

Someone mentioned, somewhat desultory, ’ it is the marriage that counts, not the wedding’. Far out!

Lying awake, tossing and turning, reflecting on the last remark by this cynic I wondered late at night about the prospect of starting a business on ‘reality- wedding seminars’. Perhaps consultants of wiry age and experience, matrons of multiple divorces and inequitable property settlements, those hardy souls having survived it all, could be engaged in running them. Hire a large hall, fill it with rows and rows of washing machines, the latest in ironing hardware, babies screams amplified a hundred times and DVD’s on large screens showing close ups of projectile vomiting. The soiled nappy essence wafting through aerators and sprayed on dainty bridal wrists. Cane laundry baskets and competitions of underwear finding their way inside without prompting from anyone. Tired simulated love making after a bout of horrific credit card bills screaming for attention on the bedside table. Those details can all be worked out. It might have to involve a couple of days in the toolshed, tinkering with routers and small sledge-hammers.

For those not so well off; pre-marriage ‘reality wedding workshopping’ could be done by trips to supermarkets. The visit to the dairy section divisions with special attention to the patience of the male groom participant when a choice of margarine or cheese has to be made by the future wife. Foster a deeper understanding of the subtle differences between Persil or Omo washing powder. How will the couple cope with the men choosing the ‘home brand’ but the future wives ‘a haughty, no way ever’, only the best for me, you Dutch uncle skinflint..?.. This is the stuff of future marital battles and possible divorces.

It is all very well at those ‘other seminars’ for the groom to lust, linger, and even finger the lingerie, but how well will he take to a resounding ‘NO’, coupled with a midriff elbow or a kick in the groin? The couple need to take special care with the NO issue and the male participant perhaps to compensate for the NO and take on extra lessons in ironing, showing what a real iron-man is made of. For a small extra fee, a tour and Q&A’s discussion with celibacy practising religious orders would be strongly advised.

For a fraction of the cost, slowly but surely, conversation topics could be touched upon. Simulated continuing discussions by men with future partners lasting at least for ten minutes in one hit might be envisaged.

And now last but not least. During the finals of whatever, cricket, football, rugby, even Olympics, the male has to practise switching off the plasma or small screen. (does it matter?) in mid stream. Watch facial expressions of male participants. Any expletives, a clear sign of storm ahead. How will he take to having to sooth baby, clean the cat vomit, missing out on his favourite sport?

Weddings and divorces. They cause massive GLOBAL WARMING.

Like Horse and Carriage

04 Monday Oct 2010

Posted by in Gerard Oosterman

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Some experts reckon that people’s genes and hormones determine more than anything else what kind of life they are destined to live. Upbringing and parenting is a mere bus stop on the way to maturity and a wise old age.

We all know that relationships are as important as well as jobs, wealth and health. Sadly for many, relationships can often become the banana skin on the doorstep of a smooth entry to maturity and old age. The statistics and thousands of Family court enforced Orders testify that love have many a rough edge. In fact, it could be a sobering experience and perhaps educational as well, for intending relationship contenders to spend a day in a Divorce Court especially the Family Court. Just don’t do what I did, in the lift to the eight’s floor, and hum, “Love and Marriage is like a horse and carriage, etc”. I was lucky to get out alive. A security guard was in the lift.

 If fridges, cars or TV’s had failure rates approaching even a fraction of relationship breakdowns there would be a thorough investigation by Consumer Affairs. Choice Magazine would come out with dire warnings with lots of arrows and downwards pointing graphs and 1800 preventative phone help lines for those that have been conned into a relationship. MP’s would line up with legislation proposing to ban any relationships, but perhaps excluding friendly pets… Those that organize weddings with lavish exhibitions costing tens of thousands of dollars would be chased out of Australia. In fact there would be a law against it and anyone who as much as looked as if having a relationship would be hauled into the paddy wagon.

This is why it is the more so puzzling that even in old age people don’t seemed to have learnt a lesson. There is a very good publication out, far exceeding the newsworthiness of the Sydney Morning Herald or The Australian which is called “The Senior.” It is a revolution in honest reportage and I recommend it with gusto.  If ever there is proof that people, despite all the previously suffered discombobulating relationships, despite all the battles fought with partners, the relentless hounding through courts seeking compliance of Orders and percentages, they can never get enough of it.

 Here a sample of the length that some will go to in order to hitch up with some new partner. From “The Senior.”

LOOKING FOR ME?
Gent finally divorced for 15 months. Very young for 89, honest, considerate, GSOH, 69kgs, 168cm, ND, NS, NG. No vices & no ties, just a small fish tank with guppies. Like animals, the outdoors & home life, the garden, healthy food & living, car trips, music, dancing, tennis, current affairs & business news, reading, conversations. I WLTM a compatible lady, around 50s & 60s, active, slim-med., some similar interests, including oral (dentures); for friendship with VTPR. Love to hear from you. Let’s enjoy life!

There we have it.  At 89 and still the unstoppable search for yet another partner, no matter what.

Of course, there are also the untold millions for whom it was ‘bingo’ first time around and while the above points out the negatives for the unwary or the ill prepared, there are just as many whom have sailed through life with just a single partner. The perfect loving relationship was found the first time they laid eyes on each other across the vast ocean of available humanity of people keen to hop-a-long with someone else. Volumes, whole libraries have been written about what makes certain people find lifelong love while others plod along from breakup to endless breakups and Court after Court without ever finding what they so keenly seek.

 Some experts give answers about unreal expectations that many seem to hold. Endless love without a hint of a hitch or slackening of sex… A dreamy tear stained reality as so often portrayed in those American TV series where no one ages and huge houses are filled with impossible bunches of flowers with lovers straining at each other within the acreages of beige coloured boudoirs with a never ending and reckless abandonment into the arms of total perfection, year in year out. Who knows?

Perhaps it is more of a case of A Horse and Carrots.

Garbage Bins and Social Intercourse at St Henri

16 Monday Aug 2010

Posted by in Gerard Oosterman

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Social meetings and Garbage cans.

A few months ago we moved to a small community of 38 town-houses all set on a meandering private ring road. The settings of the town-houses are somewhat staggered but close enough to warrant our love of ‘privacy’ with the help of either blinds or curtains. However, there are a few recalcitrants brave enough to defy the rule and blatantly allow open curtains, enabling a peek into a world of domesticity that would otherwise be kept well hidden.  Indeed, since our arrival and our Euro-inherited open curtain/blind policy there are now some cracks appearing in the maintenance of that privacy. Yesterday, I noticed an open curtain and a man sipping a glass of wine while preparing food. He was wearing a beanie.

One domestic event enabling social intercourse amongst the inhabitants of this little village named “St Henri” is during the day prior to Garbage collection. The private ring circuit does not allow for larger trucks to pass through easily, so all those familiar garbage wheelie bins have to be taken to the front of the Street. The larger bins are coloured yellow for recycling trash such as plastic and glass bottles, also all paper and carton. The smaller red bins for real garbage including those stale odiferous plastic trays that most foods are increasingly sold in, especially meat.  The garbage bins are solid and are on wheels. They also have a specific identity number on the inside of the lid synchronising bins with owners or renters and registered with the Shire. Woe those who will lose their bin. A hefty $ 160, – replacement fee will be enforced. Early in the evening, all the red coloured bins are standing at attention on the road, like those red uniformed Beef Eaters guarding a Palace. On Thursday morning, they will be empty, waiting to be strolled back again by their owners for the next week.

Our town-house is a bit at the back. This is great because it involves a much longer walk to the street with the garbage bins, allowing a greater chance to meet someone doing the same chore.  Of course, during bitter cold, wet and windy weather, not many have been keen to stop and chat so far. Most are working. Stopping with a garbage can in tow does not provide the most ideal opportunity. Even so, it is better than nothing. Most of the people here seem to be either single women or single men, many with kids. Also some, like us, are not the 9am-5pm crowd, having sold a previous house or farm, and using a six month tenancy to settle down to a more permanent abode in the future. In fact, I think most of the people here are in transit and renting. Heaven knows what marital battles have been played out or are still ongoing.

 A few weeks ago I managed to ‘jumper lead start’ a car with a flat battery. It was for a single woman with 2 kids on her way to school and work. She has now swapped to the other side of our little road to a much larger place, double story with3 bathrooms and double garage. She promised to invite us over soon. I noticed that her car that needed the jump start is  for sale. She now drives a new 4 wheel drive car, metallic grey in colour. Perhaps a marital settlement has come through. Who knows?

 We were also invited to a mid-year residents Christmas party and sausage sizzle. A nice gesture, wasn’t it? The private ring road does enable kids to play around and even though cars are driven to and from individual garages or car spaces, it feels very safe and remarkably noise free. A little boy knocked on our door and asked if that ‘boy with the bike’ could come and play outside. He remembered one of our grandsons who had played with him the previous week during school holidays.

‘St Henri’ in Moss-Vale is a nice place and as a small community, seems to be working.