G O'D Sees that we're not quite home

G O’D Sees that we’re not quite home

Digital mischief by Warrigal

The story so far. Sandy is invited to dinner at the Rectory with the Bish and a special guest.  Sandy mistakenly thinks he is to be told that he is winning an award. The guest turns out to be Gordon O’Donnell, the creator of the universe, who wants Sandy to go on a journey in space. The Bish cunningly gets Sandy’s girlfriend Belinda, to cook up Sandy’s favourite meal and ply him with fine wine so he can’t say no. The saga continues…..

“So Sandy” Gordon opens “Do me a favour.  I’ve always wanted one of those interviews like in the sports pages, you know when our initials appear on the left of page followed by our answers”

FOW: Sure Gordy, like this?

GOD: Yes that’s it. Now how do you feel about acronyms, I mean both you and I are sort of acronyms, I’m God and you’re Fall of Wicket.

FOW: Love acronyms [I lie magnificently]

GOD: Okay so you don’t like them but anyway space is riddled with acronyms

FOW: Oh, but why me, why space?

GOD: Well the Bish picked you as the man to do the job. See you saw Shappy, Hu and Betty knighting Rudi, I mean you were great, you got the job done so I want you to go into space for me. I want you to visit certain places and report back, can you do it?

FOW: Sure, sure [I splutter nervously to the point I am about to poo my pants]

GOD: So I want you to jump a SPIT

FOW: A spit?

GOD: Yes a SPIT, a Small Personal Interplanetary Teleporter. This will take you to the SHITS.

FOW: [Groan] The Shits?

GOD: Yes, the Super Hot Intergalactic Transport Ship 38B. The ship is powered by WEE, Wireless Electric Engine, controlled by a FART, Find Appropriate Road Tollway, and you’ll head for a SPEW, Space Particle Emissions Wavetable.

FOW: [A spew sounds alright at the moment] So tell me if I have got this right. You want me to hop on a spit to the shits, that runs on wee, that’s guided by a fart and head for a spew.

GOD: By jove Sandy, you’ve got it in one. The Bish said you were a quick learner. So yes the ships navigation will take you on a tollway to the wavetable. The wavetable condenses space so you travel vast distances very quickly. I mean the bottle shop that’s at the supermarket is about a kilometre from here.

FOW: [My favourite shop] Yep

GOD: Well imagine that distance if subjected to a SPEW would be just a metre away.

FOW: [A bottle shop just a metre away] Got me Gordy when do I start?

GOD: Well, right now although you will need a companion, why don’t you ask Belinda? I mean on board you will only have COW’s for company.

FOW: Cows? [Can’t you just sense another acro fucking nym coming?]

GOD: Yes, Computer On Wheels, although to you they will probably resemble robots or androids.

FOW: This isn’t crap is it Gordy?

GOD: CRAP? No, Cosmic Radiation Antenna Performance isn’t an issue here Sandy.

FOW: [Groan]

Belinda: Sorry, shouldn’t have been listening but count me in.

GOD: Good girl Belinda, you will be an asset to the team. So how bout it big fella, trip to the moon for a try out?

FOW: Okay, okay. Just one thing, what is it you actually want me to do?

GOD: Well, in a nutshell Sandy, I want you to report on cricket games.

FOW: Aaaaaaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhh.