Digital Malfeasance by Warrigal

So here I am, on a spaceship that’s going to the moon. I have a butler called George, the beautiful Belinda as my companion and a control freak of a computer called Catherine. What am I in for? Who knows? Belinda and I go for a walk around the village and of course in its centre is a green with, you guessed it, a cricket pitch. Droids are moving back and forth dressed in rural style clothing and as they walk past they sing out “Morning Father, morning Miss Belinda” “Morning” we reply.

The village has shops, café’s, a cinema, several pubs and two restaurants. At the end of the main street is a river that meanders off into the distance. How does all of this happen in a spaceship? I mean the sun is shining, there is a light breeze, and clouds are moving across the sky, I am struggling to take this all in. We sit on a bench and watch the river flowing. Belinda holds my hand. Her warmth makes me feel better and I’m so glad she is with me. We walk back to the Bats Droppings to meet Gordon.

“Sandy, Belinda, over here” Gordon beckons. We look round the pub. People are sitting at tables and someone is selecting some music on the jukebox. A man comes around the corner of the bar. “Afternoon Father, Miss Belinda, I’m Michael, Michael Jones and this is my pub, let me get you a drink. Trotters for you Father and the young miss would like a tonic water” Trotters, how the f….? Well I guess I’m about to find out. “Delightful, thanks Michael”.

We get our drinks and join Gordon. “Gordon, I’ve so many questions, I don’t know where to start plus I only have 500 words to play with” I gush, totally out of my depth. “Well” Gordon begins “let me tell you a few things and then we can talk about it. Last night we teleported up to the ship on SPITS. You are living in the English Village bio of the ship. After lunch I’ll take you to meet the FART and Catherine the controlling computer. The FART will take us for a quick trip round the moon then I’ll get you to drop me off back on Earth and you can head off. First you’ll need this”. Gordon pushes a book across the table. The book is called ‘Space Navigation for Dummies’. I flick to the table of contents. It reads, 1. Avoiding BO, 2. Watch out for BOOBS, 3. When to use a GOAT. 4. Five questions you should ask a FART, 5. Things you need to know about Space Travel and 6. The Complete List of Space Acronyms.  It’s an incredibly small book for such a big subject. Gordon seems to know what I’m thinking “Okay so let me guess, small book big subject?” I nod passively “It’s pretty well all you need to know. Catherine runs the ship in conjunction with the FART and the Droids. You travel around the ship via the river. The river will take you to the other bio’s. Now Avoid BO” Yes I must say body odour can be intolerable at times “Body odour Gordon?” I ask knowing I’ll be wrong. “No Sandy, Big Objects. In space there are lots of Big Objects, avoid them at all costs”. “Boobs?” I ask and no, I don’t even want to go there even though boobs are my favourite subject. “Big Objects Out Back Side. If you have a Big Object Out Back Side then you are in trouble, really big trouble”.

“Gordon, whats a GOAT?” Belinda pipes in, “I mean you don’t sacrifice them at full moon or anything do you?” “No, my dear child a GOAT is a Giant Object Atomising Teleporter. It’s how we get big stuff on and off the ship”. “But Gordon” I question, “If I don’t need to know much about all this why there are five questions you should ask a FART?” “Well Sandy” Gordon responds “there’s an old saying, when you hit 50 never trust a FART”. Just as lunch is served, a cat enters the room and sits on one of the seats at our table. Gordon says “Sandy, Belinda, meet Catherine”. A cat, you mean to tell me that a cat runs a spaceship. The only good cat is a dead cat. “Good afternoon Father, Miss Belinda, I’m Catherine. When I roam around the ship I use this form, helps me catch any rats” she laughs wickedly. “Anyway, I’ll meet you later, see you”