Midgetall Dischief by Warrigal
I’ve just been reunited with the best dog in the world, no, the best dog in the universe and have returned to the manor to find Helvi waiting for us in the sitting room. “Helvi, wow, fantastic, how did you get here?” I ask. “Good afternoon you two cuties. I’m Helvi-tastic Model A1” replies Helvi! Helvi is a droid? Does Gez know? My mind is racing. “Oh Helvi, so you are a droid?” asks Belinda. “Yes Belinda. Gordon got my creator to make me in the likeness of Helvi as part of the SNAP program. I’m your SNAP Coordinator.” Bloody acronyms, I hate bloody acronyms. “SNAP Helvi?” I ask stupidly “Model A1?” “Yes Sandy, SNAP stands for Space Normalisation Adaptation Process. I will help you settle into village life. And yes my creator wouldn’t make any more models as it’s impossible to improve on perfection” Helvi informs us.
“Now lets get you two dressed” says the Helvi-tastic as she marches off into the bedroom. Helvi opens the wardrobe and there are a small amount of clothes hanging up and some drawers. “Now strip off Sandy” instructs Helvi. “But Helvi I hardly know you” I gush as I feel my cheeks going red. “Now Sandy, I’m a woman of the world and seeing you naked is not going to overload my circuits.” With that, Belinda and Helvi break into laughter. I disrobe and remove my slippers. “Hmmm, not bad Belinda, but such a small thing” jokes Helvi as she opens a drawer and throws me a pair of jocks. “Here, put these on.” I pull on the jocks and within a few seconds, they adjust to fit me perfectly. In fact these are the most comfortable jocks I’ve ever had. Before I even get to ask Helvi pipes in “All of the clothing here is self adjustable. G. King makes them. Nanobots adjust everything to suit your shape and size. They will also adjust the clothing based on temperature and other data they receive from the central computer.” “Catherine?” I bemoan, “The control freak of a computer that walks around the ship as a cat. I hate cats”. Suddenly my jocks tighten and my goolies are being crushed. The pain is immense and I drop to the ground. “Catherine, let Sandy’s nuts go” says Helvi. “Catherine, let him go please. Remember in the next few chapters he learns about programming” Helvi states calmly. The jocks loosen up and go back to normal. Better be careful for the next few chapters it would seem.
Helvi tosses me some pants, a shirt and a light jacket. I put them on and the same thing happens. The clothes adjust to fit me perfectly and I feel very comfortable. Socks and shoes, all the same, wow, this G King must be some sort of genius. “So now Sandy, why don’t you go over to the pub for a few pints while I make this charming young princess of yours ever more beautiful then she already is” Helvi says. Darn just when we were getting to the good bit, but Helvi-tastic was right, she is perfect, a woman telling you to go and have a few ales, perfect all right.