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Monthly Archives: November 2009

Cyrus: Chapter 13, part 2

20 Friday Nov 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Cyrus the Great: Chronicles

≈ 11 Comments

Cyrus

By theseustoo

Chapter 13, part 2:

*** ***** ***

Such a tremendous battle as that fought between the forces of Cyrus the Persian and Croesus of Lydia, was never fought again in that region before or since. The slaughter on both sides was so great that neither side had a clear idea of who was winning or who was losing. The battleground was a single seething mass of bloody chaos; an incomprehensible and inconceivable jumble of torn and bleeding flesh; a huge confused mass of heaving bodies, constantly stabbing and hacking; spraying blood from a million wounds; and all the time pushing, as hard as possible, forward into the main body of the enemy; ignoring even the cries of agony and the torn and bleeding bodies of the desperately wounded and dying, as they stumbled over falling comrades and severed body-parts in their eagerness to damage the enemy.

The dreadful chaos of this terrifying visual confusion was further intensified to an unimaginable pitch by the dreadful cacophony of battle-noises; the insistent, remorselessly up-tempo and insistently pounding beat of the drums provided a temporal background for the insanely bright and jolly tunes of the flutes and the ear-splitting, brassy fanfares blasted out by the trumpets which were used to transmit the orders of the commanders on either side to their troops; and above all this, providing a grisly descant to this hideous tumult, arose the blood-curdling screams and agonised moans of the dead and dying…

Then there were the smells; the awful stench of the ankle-deep, recently-spilled blood and entrails combined with the dreadful aroma of fear; and the awful stench of death itself; was enough to make even the most experienced of butchers vomit. Indeed, many of those present were so over-whelmed by the hellish and horrifying reality of the carnage that many lost control of their stomachs and vomited, while others lost control of their bladders and their bowels as terror took command of their bodies, adding even more filth to the battlefield and more foulness to the already indescribably abominable stench. Thus physically compromised, a man became easy prey for the enemy.

Only those who could effectively ignore this insanity; this absolute chaos which attacked every sense and which was happening all around them; and still retain control of their bodily functions; only those who could ignore the constant physical danger to their own lives by ignoring even their own terror as men on either side were hacked to pieces or skewered on bronze-tipped spears or pierced by arrows, as they lost control of themselves and froze, making them easy targets; and as friend and foe fell dead all around them; only those who could ignore all this and still press ahead; only such men as these survived.

So hot and bloody was the conflict; and so great was the number of the slain on both sides that when night fell, the battle was still undecided, as both sides were forced by the encroaching darkness to withdraw.

*** ***** ***

As soon as they were safely within the walls of Sinope Croesus met with his generals and officers to discuss their next move. The day’s battle had caught the Lydians by surprise; they had not been prepared for either the size of the enemy host, or their ferocity. Most of the officers who had been present in the day’s battle had feared that if they pressed their attack they risked a terrible defeat; yet no man there wanted to earn himself a reputation for defeatism or cowardice by being the first one to suggest a retreat.

This had been equally true on both sides; with the result that both sides had stood their ground in the face of withering fire from enemy missiles and the crushing press of ranked spearmen; this process had continued all day as neither side had been willing to give even an inch of ground; until nightfall had mercifully made further fighting impossible.

The day’s action had resulted in a serious thinning of the ranks on both sides. Indeed, by sunset both sides had lost almost a third of their forces. The officers felt their position here in Sinope was now apparently untenable and thought Croesus should pull his army back to Sardis, whose walls were impregnable and which had enough supplies laid in to outlast even a lengthy siege; yet no-one among them wanted to be the one to suggest it.

Knowing the respect which the king held for him, Croesus’ officers chose Sandanis to speak for them to their king about their concerns. Croesus was not unaware of the situation, but his expression was dark and moody; and most difficult to interpret. Tentatively, Sandanis started to speak: “My Lord,” he said, “these Persians fight like demons; though the battle is still undecided we have already lost almost a third of our army.” Croesus stared at him blankly, as Sandanis continued, “Even with the favour of the gods, prudence does not go amiss; I fear we cannot hold Cappadocia without great losses…”

Croesus ignored the implicit reproach from this, his most trusted general. Indeed, in giving Croesus the benefit of his own assessment of the situation, Sandanis had in fact only confirmed what Croesus already knew; what he should have known before; that even with the favour of the very gods themselves, the material means to one’s ends must not be ignored. “Indeed!” Croesus replied, “The Persians outnumber us considerably; though they have lost as many men as we… But Cyrus has not repeated his attack; he must be licking his wounds…”

The monarch thought for a moment as he gazed first into Sandanis’ eyes and then into the eyes of every man present, gauging the extent of their feeling and the strength of their unity; each man steadily returned his gaze unflinchingly. All day these men had been in the thick of the battle; countless times they had rallied their flagging men; again and again they had attacked the enemy. No-one, the king realized, could truthfully accuse them of cowardice. Instantly assessing their mood; Croesus smoothly continued: “However as you say, prudence never goes amiss; we’ll take advantage of Cyrus’ inactivity to fall back to Sardis. The year is waning; winter will soon be here. We shall wait until spring and then attack again; in the meantime we shall send for our allies in Egypt and Lacedaemonia.”

Sandanis felt greatly relieved at the king’s wisdom; gravely nodding his agreement, he said, “Sire, Babylon is also bound to us by treaty; I think it would be wise to send for help from King Labynetus too; that should give us the numbers we will need to defeat these Persian dogs…”

For the first time Croesus realised his folly in trusting so completely in the prophecies of the oracles without ensuring first that he had the physical forces needed to make them a reality. He had been thinking along much the same lines as Sandanis, whom he now realized had been very thoughtful in not voicing his reproach openly, knowing that Croesus would reproach himself anyway at this unforeseen turn of events.

In any case, Sandanis is quite right, Croesus thought, we can certainly use Labynetus’ help; and he was sure that the current Assyrian king of Babylon would most certainly take advantage of any opportunity which presented itself to him to revenge himself on the Medes, who in ancient times had been his ancestors’ subjects. Furthermore, Croesus also knew that Labynetus would never be able to resist the chance, whilst punishing the Medes and Persians, to recover some of their ancient homelands; a chance to rebuild the Assyrian Empire.

“My own thoughts entirely;” Croesus said, “…instruct the generals that we shall assemble all our allies in Sardis at the beginning of spring.” One of the junior officers present voiced his concern about the proposed retreat, “But if we fall back to Sardis, Lord, might not Cyrus follow us there and lay siege to the city?”

Croesus was prepared for his question; indeed he had already considered this possibility. Even if Cyrus did exactly what the young officer was suggesting, he’d already decided that it wouldn’t matter too much; Sardis was well-supplied and her walls were impregnable; all we have to do, Croesus thought, is to sit out the siege until our allies arrive in the spring. But he did not think that Cyrus would do this. Cyrus, he realized now, was a good commander and an intelligent man; surely he would realize that besieging Sardis would be futile, and doing so during the winter would be very hard on both his men and their equipment.

“No, I don’t think so,” he said to the young officer with a shrug, “after a battle as closely-fought as this one he will stay in Cappadocia to bury his dead and tend to the wounded. Of course, he’ll try to strengthen his position there as much as he can; but when we attack again in spring with all our allies, we will have superior numbers and victory shall be ours!”

“Very well, your majesty;” Sandanis said, bowing his head obediently, “all shall be done as you command.”

*** ***** ***

The retreat was a very straightforward matter because, as Croesus had expected, Cyrus was indeed busy attending to his dead and wounded. Of all his battles this had been the bloodiest so far. But when he saw the Lydians retreat, he had little choice but to secure Sinope first rather than follow them. After so many had been killed, they must be laid to rest with all the proper rituals, for the sake of morale. Only after the dead had received all the proper rituals and were properly cremated and their souls thus released into the heavens to return to Ea and Enlil, would his troops consent to seeking their revenge for their fallen comrades.

As the Lydian army re-entered Sardis, Croesus was very relieved to see that indeed Cyrus had not followed them with the intention of besieging the Lydian capital. No, he thought to himself; this is not the right time of year to begin a siege; he’d been correct; Cyrus would sit out the winter in Sinope. He’ll strengthen his position there until the spring thaw; of that Croesus was now certain; and only then would he think about attacking Sardis. The king turned to his general and said, “Sandanis, you may disband the mercenaries; we will have no further need of them until the spring. They may return to their homes for the winter but they must reassemble with the rest of our allies when they arrive in spring.”

Realising that his monarch was taking this measure as a means to conserve financial resources which he knew would be needed to fund the next stage in Lydia’s war against this upstart new Persian Empire, Sandanis was satisfied that his master’s judgement once again showed its usual wisdom. He finally decided that the failed expedition to Cappadocia had been merely an aberration; after all, it had not really been a defeat for Croesus; for the enemy had been bloodied just as much as had the Lydians; but it had been, he thought, a severe lesson for the Son of Heaven.

“Very well, your majesty!” he said, saluting crisply as he spurred his horse and rode off to relay the king’s instructions to the mercenary captain.

*** ***** ***

Hell Hospital: Episode 4

18 Wednesday Nov 2009

Posted by atomou in Hell Hospital

≈ 10 Comments

Hell Hospital Morgue - this way out .......

By theseustoo

(Disclaimer: this series of stories is completely fictional and none of the persons, places or institutions in these stories are real, but figments of my own imagination. Any similarity to any real person, place or institution is entirely coincidental.)

Dentistry must be the Devil’s favourite profession, Dave thought as he waited silently and with what he hoped looked like eternal patience for the dental wing’s receptionist to finally acknowledge him. She had noticed him, he knew, for she had actually made eye-contact with him as he had hopped, with his now-moon-booted crushed foot, on his unfamiliar crutches towards the reception desk… Yes, he reassured himself, she had seen him; indeed, for a moment he’d actually allowed himself to think that she was even going to speak to him, but her attention was suddenly diverted by what was apparently an urgent telephone call… it was certainly a long telephone call.

After the first few minutes, Dave looked around him to take his mind off his leg, which was beginning to ache a little now, and noticed a portrait of the dental wing’s patron and founder, one Dr Vladimir Von Draco; a famous, if imported Australian, who had earned himself the nickname ‘Vlad the Sucker’ for inventing the little metal vacuum-sucker-hose that dentists use to suck dribble out of their patients mouths so they don’t drown on their own spit, thus not only killing the patient – the goose that lays the golden egg – but also putting an end to the dentists’ own sadistic pleasure at his patient’s discomfort.

Returning his gaze to the receptionist he saw she was still deeply involved in her telephone conversation. “Now I know why they call us ‘patients’…” he thought to himself “…we have no choice but to be patient…” as he silently sought aloft for divine inspiration and the strength to endure what he knew was going be an ordeal.

Finally the receptionist’s voice became audible as she brought the telephone conversation to a close, “… no… don’t worry, he’ll like it I tell you… yes, I think the blonde highlights really suit you; look, gotta go; see you Saturday!”

Turning at last to Dave she barked, “Name?” with all the natural charm of a Howitzer, to let him know, in case he hadn’t guessed, that she resented being torn away from her beloved telephone. Dave gave his full name; the breadth of the reception desk forcing him to speak in a loud, firm voice in order to make himself heard. The receptionist checked it against that on her computer and then demanded, “Address?” again Dave gave his address, though it made him slightly nervous to voice such personal details in such a public place as this in this glorious twenty-first century. Next, the receptionist demanded, “Date of birth…” Dave glanced around and behind him, nervously casting his suspiscious gaze over the current occupants of the waiting area. “Crikey!” he thought, as he also gave the receptionist his date of birth, “I hope none of those people sitting there in the waiting room are cyber-criminals; there’s enough information there for anyone with a bit of knowledge and a larcenous inclination to steal my identity!” He couldn’t help wondering why the receptionist didn’t just ask to see his driving license along with his Medicare card, which she did ask to see. That, Dave thought, would have been much quicker, much more discreet and much more secure.

Eventually, after checking several more computer screens, the receptionist said, “Oh yes, I see you have an appointment. Please take a seat in the waiting area…” Thankfully Dave hopped over to the waiting area and gracelessly plonked himself down on one of the chairs; arranging his crutches underneath his moon-booted leg to raise it as much as possible off the floor, grateful to be finally able to do so; it was beginning to feel quite sore from its unaccustomed and protracted perpendicularity. After a few minutes’ wait, the dentist and his assistant emerged from among a vast maze of corridors and cubicles and introduced themselves. The dentist, who introduced himself simply as ‘Andrew’, was a tall, freckled youth, complete with curly red hair, n his early twenties. His assistant, Katarina, was a raven-haired beauty with the palest of skin and emerald green eyes.

Dave had often wondered why dentists always had such gorgeous assistants; he finally realized that it was all part of the system; male clients, at least, were much less likely to complain and much more likely to put on a show of macho bravado in front of a perfectly made-up and coiffured, very pretty assistant, as the dentist poked and prodded his teeth with what seemed like an increasingly numerous array of implements, both hi- and lo-tech…

Once upon a time, he remembered, there had just been the dreaded ‘hook of pain’; but now there was also an ‘air-test’, an ‘electricity test’, and what Dave could only describe as a ‘blunt-instrument test’, in which the teeth were tapped with a blunt metal instrument; indeed each of these new tests proved equally capable of producing dental pain in a new and different manner. Instead of one painful test to discover which teeth were rotten, now there were four… and the dentist, of course; a fourth-year dentistry student; insisted on a thorough analysis, using all four tests. “Now that’s progress!” Dave thought.

Always a great believer in the prophetic power of Murphy’s Law, Dave had already predicted that before the torture-session they would ask him to accompany him to their own little cubicle, which would, and indeed, actually did turn out to be right at the other end of what also turned out to be a very large dental wing. St Helvi’s was, after all, a teaching hospital.

Indeed, Dave was learning all the time… right now he was learning that in using his crutches, he was obliged to lift his full bodyweight of about 90 kilos, with every ‘step’; using crutches was thus, essentially, walking on his hands. Even at home, just going to the loo was a workout. Getting himself up and down the stairs to his first-floor flat was an extreme sport… He would certainly sleep well tonight, he thought.

Of course, after all those tests, the dentist finally told Dave exactly what Dave had told the dentist on his arrival, that his upper right rear bicuspid, which the dentist, he noticed, referred to only with a number, was split vertically in two and would probably require extraction. Notes were taken and entered onto a computer and another appointment was made for a date mercifully a few weeks into the future.

This would give Dave a few weeks to screw up his courage to actually keep the appointment; he knew he would have to do it; this tooth had already caused an infection which, though it had abated now somewhat, had been extremely painful; and which Dave knew would return unless the tooth was removed. Oh yes! He’d have to do it, even if it meant facing needles and having the extraction done while he was still conscious…

He hadn’t minded being operated on five times already as the orthopedic surgeon rebuilt his foot; he had been unconscious for those and felt no pain; but this was different! The dentist had already squashed his pitiful plea for a general anesthetic just as, with effortless grace and perfect timing, his assistant had flashed him one of her most gorgeous smiles; and he was irrevocably doomed to an extraction under a local anesthetic. He knew from personal experience that as long as one was conscious, there was always the potential to feel pain, in spite of local anaesthetics, which he never entirely trusted; and Dave had never been fond of needles…

When his foot had been crushed and dislocated in his recent motorcycle accident, he had actually laughed and joked with some of the witnesses to help him to ignore the agony of his severely crushed and dislocated foot, until the ambulance man came to relieve him with his merciful nitrous-oxide lollipop; but when it came to facing dentists, Dave’s courage failed him and he confessed himself a coward.

***** ******* ***** ******* *****

No, the reason Loose-Lipped Loreen had earned her nickname had nothing to do with her gossiping or her inability to keep a secret; it had to do with other uses to which that particular pair of organs might be put; if one were lucky enough; or unlucky enough; depending on one’s viewpoint and life-circumstances; for Loreen was, to put it kindly, a terrible flirt. She most especially could not help competing with other women whenever it seemed as if one of them was about to ‘get off’ with a new boyfriend… or occasionally even, so it was rumored, a new girlfriend.

As it was her mystic duty to protect Paula from herself, Loreen had noticed, with alarm, her blossoming friendship with Swannee in the staff cafeteria (although Swannee himself remained blissfully unaware of it!) and had immediately realized how much harder her job would be if Paula were actually to fall in love. Even now she was hard to keep up with; and even now she required constant surveillance; Loreen now knew not only the location of every closet, but also every other possible hiding-place in the hospital. But, she asked herself, with mounting horror, if Paula were ‘absent-minded’ now, what would she be like if her mind were as distracted as it inevitably would be if she were to fall in love. Something serious had to be done, she realized; and done soon!

Underneath her nylon work-coat, Loreen wore her sexiest black lacy underwear; she undid the top couple of buttons so it showed an ample portion of her not inconsiderable cleavage. Paula would hate Swannee if she caught him looking at other women, she realized; so she would make sure he had something to look at. She had deliberately chosen her shortest work-coat; one which she had deliberately bought a couple of sizes too small for just such circumstances as these… and, although she realized that, were she to be reported to the union, she could lose her membership for violation of the Occupational Health and Safety code, over her black fishnet stockings and suspender-belt, she wore a pair of very sexy six-inch stiletto heels.

“The man,” she said to herself, as she checked her reflection in the mirror as she left for work, “…doesn’t stand a chance!”

***** ******* ***** ******* *****

First Dog Captures Australia Perfectly

16 Monday Nov 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in The Public Bar

≈ 2 Comments

Sorry, folks.  Moderately flat out on the making a quid front.

Meanwhile …..

Dog Chocolate

First Dog on the Moon - Crikey Mon 16 November 2009

Our thanks to First Dog  and Crikey …. DO take out a subscription …. if you can…..

Aladdin’s Cave – Siem Reap

13 Friday Nov 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Julian London

≈ 16 Comments

Siem reap 0

Main Street Siem reap

by Julian…junior overseas correspondent.

In the interest of our ascribed literary bent; and NOT in the interest of wresting the mantle off Atomou for holiday snaps, here are a couple of items taken in Cambodia this year.

……..  the main street in Siem Reap. It is potholed– and in a permanent state of repair apparently– according to anecdotal reports.

Siem reap

hmmmmmolluscs......

And further down that same street (one can see the yellow hotel in both shots) a group of vendors, hoping for some hungry passers-by. Cajoling with their smiling faces and happy demeanour.  Hoping that the fragrant scent (pungent odour actually) of the roasting snails will entice a ravenous diner to make a purchase from the bicycle café, or perhaps, from a salubrious, timber, trestle table for the more discerning.

Now amongst all this, down a side street, I stumbled into an Aladdin’s cave and had the presence of mind to take a shot for The Window Dresser’s literati.

Siem reap 2

......... Aladdin's library ......

Siem resp 3

Siem reap 4

Enjoy…If you can read the titles.

That’s the trick!

Hell Hospital Episode 3

13 Friday Nov 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Hell Hospital

≈ 62 Comments

morgue

....... and the clientele didn’t answer back… often!

ByTheseustoo

(Disclaimer: this series of stories is completely fictional and none of the persons, places or institutions in these stories are real, but figments of my own imagination. Any similarity to any real person, place or institution is entirely coincidental.)

Elaine had always liked working in morgues; they were so peaceful and quiet; and the clientele didn’t answer back… often! She usually felt in tune with the spirits there. Elaine had always loved the atmosphere of transience she experienced at railway stations or airports or at the dockside of some shipping port or other; and morgues had something of this transience about them too. All such places had the same fleeting and ephemeral atmosphere, as people rushed through the crowd, excited by the prospect of a new adventure in a strange and foreign land, perhaps a little afraid of missing their transport; whilst others made preparations for their journey or said tearful farewells to loved ones; and still others sat silently and self-contained in waiting-rooms; a million emotions mingled on the morning air and every one of them spoke of life.

That was where the similarities with the morgue ended, of course… the transience was there but the life was not. And though the eternal was present here too, nonetheless the morgue was not exactly bustling; only herself, her two assistants and an occasional cleaner ever came down here… and none of those would ever do so if they didn’t have to… Whenever they came down here even the doctors were all business; they never stayed to chat.

Usually Elaine and her assistants were outnumbered by stiffs; the ‘dearly departed’ as they called them in public for the sake of the recently bereaved. Even the porters who delivered the stiffs just dumped them, signed the paperwork in double-quick time and shot through as if their lives depended on their being elsewhere; heaving huge sighs of relief at being able to finally breathe freely… No one liked the morgue at St Helvi’s.

But not a single one of them would admit that it was because morgue spooked them; that the morgue was, indeed, a spooky place. But Elaine had learned how to read people just as easily as she had learned how to read the cards themselves, in the thousand and some tarot-card readings she had done to supplement her pitiful salary; and she knew they were all spooked by this morgue. There was something not quite right about this morgue…

Of course no morgue was a particularly pleasant place and people often found them spooky; Elaine knew very well that spirits often hung around such places until they figured out which way they were supposed to go, and this, she felt, explained any morgue’s ordinary or ‘background’ level of spookiness. Indeed anywhere the ‘recently departed’ had passed through on their final journey from the place of their demise to their final resting place was a bit spooky too, she realized.

But this was different. This was a deep and abiding presence; a lurking menace… As she extended her sensitivity, Elaine sensed a dark and brooding malevolence hovering just beyond the fringes of her awareness; an entity full of malice and spite. Sensing her presence as soon as Elaine’s mystical insight had turned towards it, the darkness instantly withdrew itself and hid from her sensitivity, but even so, in that briefest of glimpses, Elaine had sensed the darkness, the hideous evil, which, it seemed to her hyper-sensitive awareness, had always been there at the heart of St Helvi’s…

*****     **********     *****

“So you don’t believe in God then?” Loreen asked, and took another huge bite out of her hamburger ‘with the lot’.

“Nah… well… I dunno…”  Julie said, thoughtfully. As a psychiatric nurse she had seen so many people so obsessed by religion that it interfered with their ability to get on in ‘the real world’… some of them had even believed themselves to be the living incarnation of various deities… yet these were ‘crazies’ she knew, and even though some of them were remarkably charismatic and seemed relatively sane in other respects, she knew without a shadow of a doubt that they were all delusional. Medication usually rid them of their delusions along with their ‘divine voices’; and St Helvi’s Psychiatric Wing’s deprogramming programme usually helped them see the ‘error of their ways’ and eventually turned them into solid, if atheistic, citizens.

After a few moments thought she stuffed the final bite of her sausage roll into her mouth and, through a mouthful of crumbs, said, “Well… I suppose it’s always possible… anything is possible…”

“What about angels?” Loreen inquired, rather persistently, Julie thought.

“Well, like I said, I suppose anything is possible!” Julie began to suspect Loreen’s sanity now… it seemed like she really wanted her to believe that religion wasn’t really all just a bunch of fairytales held together with bullshit. She didn’t like to be impolite, but then she wasn’t about to be converted either. You couldn’t convince a crazy person that their delusions were just that simply by telling them they were wrong; one had to be much more subtle than that.

“What would you say if I said I knew someone who’d seen an angel?”

Julie thought, ‘I’d say they were totally nuts!’, but kept the thought to herself. To Loreen she said, “Well… I dunno… I’d like to see some evidence… You must realize it does sound a bit crazy?”

Loreen had expected this answer, “Hmmm…” she said pensively, “I suppose so… but my friend… the one who’s seen the angel… she seems really like a sane and sensible person otherwise. She doesn’t seem nuts at all.”

“Well…” Julie said, conscious of the need for tact, “Many delusional people seem quite normal when discussing any other topic but the one which concerns their delusion… I suppose they’re not really counted as ‘nuts’ until their delusions start to interfere with their daily life; their work and family… We shrinks only ever intervene when these become totally chaotic and out of control. Then, of course, we must do something!”

“Oh, I see…” said Loreen thoughtfully, as she sipped her coffee. “Well… thanks for that. Do you think my friend needs to see a shrink?”

“Dunno…” Julie responded, careful to appear casual and offhand, “Maybe… couldn’t hurt, could it?”

“No… I don’t suppose it would… Well anyway, thanks again… see you later, I’ve got to get back to work now…” She did not add that she needed to find a convenient closet to hide in so that she would be on hand to prevent Paula’s next disaster, which an angel had warned her about. But she did think that the accuracy of St Helvi’s predictions about Paula’s stuff-ups could only indicate that she wasn’t really crazy at all. After all, that was eveidence, wasn’t it? Nonetheless, she thought it would probably be a good idea to make an appointment to see a psychologist… not a psychiatrist, or else she knew she would be instantly drugged, sedated and zombified to such an extent that any kind of coherent thinking would be quite out of the question.” She drained her coffee, stood up and, now lost in her own world of thought, drifted out of the canteen. Julie shrugged, puzzled by the encounter but determined not to let it get to her… instead she turned her attention to the question of whether or not her diet would allow her another sausage roll… they were unusually good today.

*****     *******     *****

Old Biddies from Hell.

12 Thursday Nov 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in Gerard Oosterman

≈ 20 Comments

The ‘old biddies from hell’ milk-bar was just around the corner from where the primary school was situated in East Balmain. It dated from pre-war, either the first 1914-1918 or the second 1940-1945. It would not have mattered, the service was the same as that Sunday arrival at Fremantle 1956, when all those dapper migrants in suits and white shirts sauntered off-board to get their first taste of Australia after the long five week ship journey from Europe. To be seen as helpful was grovelling to the Gov’nr and those old shop’s milk-bar traditions such as the one my dad tried to buy lamingtons from in Fremantle 1956 had passed on their sullen services across the Nullarbor and survived well into the 1980’s at East Balmain. To enter the shop for a packet of ciggies was risky and such a downer, that the only rightful response was to immediately light up in the shop and blow the first lungful towards the old hags and make a run for it.

The kids who had no option but to sometimes order the school lunch there soon also learnt to give as much as they were receiving. The shop and its owners showed their contempt for kids and adults by selling the minimum of goods and with such vehement reluctance, that only the foolhardy and the most determined would enter. They refused to display what they were selling. The shopwindow’s only items on display were a yellowed packet of Bex powders and a Camel cigarettes poster with goggled US fighter pilots lighting up, stuck on a piece of ancient vitrage hanging there to obscure any view into the shop… The flies were old and spiders spun webs to keep a balance between the different species but would prefer only the freshest and largest.  Inside the glass counter with chrome edges and sloping menacingly towards the customer, there were live flies (but no webs) zooming in onto lamingtons and custard tarts sprinkled with cinnamon. One of the old girls was doubled over with osteoporosis; the other one in charge of sandwich making,  had a permanent dripping nose which she kept on wiping on her left arm which was inside a raglan sleeved cardigan, while taking the Edgell pre-sliced beetroot out of its tin and placing it with gnarled fingers onto the pre-buttered Tiptop.

The relationship between schoolkids, customers and shop owners was symbiotic but that’s all, nothing more, nothing less. This is why the business was stagnant and had been for many, many years. They each accepted the exchange of money for the goods as an almost necessary evil. Our neighbours’ daughter told the old ladies to get fucked and was hence banned. There were standards to uphold. The owners of the shop were totally unconcerned though. Sick as!

What not to Wear.

09 Monday Nov 2009

Posted by gerard oosterman in Helvi Oosterman, Ladies Lounge, The Public Bar

≈ 72 Comments

Tags

caftans, leggings, long summer dresses, shoulder pads

Just to get you boys here.

By Helvi Oosterman

You older folk here might remember the times, when anything Indian was all the rage; long cotton caftans for the girls and rough hewn grandpa shirts for the boys. Those were the days when your tie-dyed, floor length wrap-around skirts, not only kept your legs warm but at the same time swept the streets or maybe just the foot paths clean…

The council workers whistled at you, not because they admired your legs, but because you were doing their job for them. I remember wearing a long caftan when six months pregnant, looking rather majestic, almost a cross between Maria Callas and Joan Sutherland, Brunnhilde from Wagner’s Ring comes to mind. Hubby too suffered for his latest acquisition, sandals made from old car tyres with some brass buckles tagged on them that gave his feet bad rashes.

Many years later  the tights arrived on the fashion scene; welcomed by all comfort loving females, mums, daughters and grannies. They were taken up by skinny girls, fat sheilas, old and young, tall and short. My slightly underweight girlfriend gave me a backhanded compliment: “Helvi, you look good in them because you got big legs, I look like a starved baby bird in those”. Ah well, who needs enemies when your friends tell the truth about your short  comings. These tights, as you all know, were usually teamed up with oversized t-shirts or large tops  with huge shoulder pads. These pads were not sewn but usually Velcroed to shoulder seams and easily removed. On long train trips they could double up as pillows, after all some were almost bigger than average size Tontine.

Not all that long ago the fashionistas got inspired by India again; the bright colours were in and black was out. Tired of looking like Sicilian widows, we now took to rainbow colours, glitter and sequins like ducks to water. Many of us suburban mums   of course even looked like ducks, waddling in our tiered skirts and heavily sequined tops weighing us down. All those vivid colours that so flatter darker skinned slim Indian girls, made us look like stumpy Christmas trees.

Oops, almost forgot about those hipster jeans, maybe it is because I really want to forget about them; all those tummies and bottoms bared, and in country towns still bravely exposed, even  when the city girls have moved to the” waist highs” a long ago.

This morning I had to go to town early for an appointment. Popping in to buy a newspaper at the mall, I noticed a group of young girls still in their nighties hanging around. I assumed they had had some kind of sleep out or a pyjama party and were on their way home. The polyester swishing could be heard as they walked past. Later on I came to realise they were not nighties,but this season’s new look: floor-length summer dresses that reminded me of those caftans. Only the caftans were cotton and pleasant to wear, these long  poly dresses must be as hot as a visit to a sauna.

I feel like a cooling swim is needed right now!

Father O’Way Finds the Farce

09 Monday Nov 2009

Posted by Mark in Mark

≈ 17 Comments

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Father O'Way

ICCBDeathBall (3)

ICCB Deathball

Interstellar Off Break by Warrigal

The mood on the ship has changed since Gordon’s message about the Intergalactic Cricket Control Board’s announcement that they have lost patience with worlds that aren’t paying their fees. The crew are now in combat mode, all armoured and carrying weapons. Troops have entered the village and river traffic has increased as troops and other military gear is ferried around the ship. Even the Nimmow has morphed into a patrol boat and the Kipper and Jilligan have their armour and weapons matched perfectly to their skirts and chiffon blouses.

The most remarkable change is in Helvi. George informs me that Helvi is really a killing machine capable of hand to hand combat, excellent small arms skills and sword mastery. Helvi calls into the manor. “Sandy I need to teach you the ways of the Farce. You can channel the farce as your father could. You have phenomenal farcical powers” Helvi instructs. Boy, Dad, my uni professor of a father had some mystical powers. I mean, shit, he never told me. “But Helvi” I bemoan “I can’t fight anyone, it’s against my religion, you know, St Generic Brand”. “Oh Sandy, stop wimping. The time is now and the one is you, you have to stand firm and fight the evil Lord Deaf Vision.” Says Helvi, the killing machine.

Helvi places a glass of water on the table. “Now Sandy I want you to use the Farce through your mind and put the glass out in the kitchen” says Helvi. “Go on Sandy, you can do anything” says Belinda supportively. “Now just think of something or someone really stupid then tell the glass to return to the kitchen.” Helvi asks. Okay, man, I’m almost shitting myself but if that’s what I’ve gotta do then okay. I let my mind wander and think, who’s stupid? what’s stupid? That guy in the pub, the one that hardly speaks and usually stares blankly at the wall, Hung something, yeah that’s right Hung One On from that band Head Cleaner, what a stupid name. Glass, to the kitchen. Suddenly the glass raises off the table and smashes into the kitchen wall splattering glass and water all over the place. “Sandy, not so hard, but you did it, you did it” relieves Helvi as Belinda shrieks with joy. Gee two women at once is hard work.

So we are about to hit the SPEW and who knows where Lord Deaf Vision will be but all I have to do is think of something stupid and use the Farce. You know as funny as that seems I’ve actually been really good at stupidity all my life. Maybe this is my calling after all. My high school teacher always used to say “Whitey” Don’t know why he called me that when my names Sandy, “Whitey, it’s one of the great puzzles of the universe, what are you actually doing here?” In my mind my answer was “Fucked if I know Noel” Noel was his first name and a no no to call him that. My answer would always come out “Yes Mr Meadows, whatever you say sir”.

We are currently in the SPEW, the Space Particle Emissions Wavetable and have just jumped to Joon. Henry calls on the intercom “Sandy, you better get here fast something’s up”. Belinda and I race across the green and into the control room. We look out into space and there is debris everywhere. “Active deflector shields” cries Henry, “Sandy, hit the brakes” Henry yells. “What brakes?” I sing out, I thought I didn’t need to know anything about flying this thing. “Sit in the chair and hit the pedal on the left” Henry screams. I hit the chair and there is a steering wheel with two pedals on the floor. To my left is a floor shift with the letters PRND2L and some other levers behind the wheel. Hang on, a car, you mean to tell me I’m in the driver seat of a car, this is farcical alright, mighty complex fiction. “Do a yuey, a u-turn fast” screams Henry.

Cyrus Chapter 13 Part 1 – A Surprise for Croesus

08 Sunday Nov 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Cyrus the Great: Chronicles

≈ 35 Comments

halys_gulsehir

The river Halys at Guleshir - when Croesus crossed the river it meant war with Cyrus

 

By Theseustoo

Sandanis looked troubled as, seated on his horse in the centre of the front rank of Croesus’ massed forces, he surveyed the enemy’s ranks. Cyrus had arrived the previous evening under cover of the new moon; and had occupied the same position above the city, to observe it prior to attacking, as Croesus himself had done only a few days earlier. This however, did not surprise Harpagus in the least; for the low hill was the only piece of high ground in the broad and otherwise level plain which surrounded the small coastal city of Sinope on the landward side.

But the incredible speed with which he had mustered his forces and arrived even before winter had properly set in, had surprised both him and Croesus, neither of whom had been expecting to have to face Cyrus until the following spring, when their allies would be there to support them. As soon as the huge dust-cloud which indicated the position of Cyrus’ army was spotted Croesus immediately responded with a show of force by having his army parade in battle formation between Cyrus’ army and the city, demonstrating his willingness, if not his readiness, to defend his newly-seized Syrian territory.

The Persian horde, however, was also much bigger than Sandanis had imagined it would be; the momentum this revolution against Median suzerainty had gained was quite staggering, he thought. His spies had reported to him that Cyrus had given all of the cities he’d passed through an opportunity to levy a troop of volunteers to join his ranks and swell the size of his Persian army or else face subjection and enslavement. Many of these were the previously Median-dominated states and had joyfully welcomed Cyrus, seeing in him their liberator from the cruelty and oppression of the tyrant Astyages. Seeing now a potential threat rising from Lydia, such states had joined him willingly; and even eagerly; and had quickly supplied Cyrus with all the men, equipment and supplies he had requested for this expedition.

The few city-states who chose to resist the Persian horde soon realized the futility of their actions when they found themselves besieged by Cyrus’ vastly overwhelming forces. Faced with such overwhelming odds, even those city-states who resisted him; mostly those who were still tributaries to the Assyrians in Babylon; very soon capitulated. Individually they were just far too small to do more than put up token resistance anyway; and Cyrus had moved so swiftly against them that they had no time to coordinate their efforts. Those cities which still obstinately persisted in their resistance were quickly and thoroughly defeated; then their walls were torn down and reduced to rubble; and their inhabitants reduced to slavery.

Sandanis had not counted on this surprising willingness of the other states to join Cyrus’ cause; and he was especially surprised by the almost complete lack of resistance to his imperial claims and ambitions. Croesus’ advisors had also informed him that there was a prophecy which concerned Cyrus in an obscure century-old Hebrew text, the Book of Isaiah, which they said, named Cyrus as the Anointed One. In the light of recent events, however, he thought this could safely be ignored; Croesus, he firmly believed, was the true ‘Anointed One’; the true ‘Son of Heaven’…

But it troubled Sandanis somewhat that so many states had so willingly joined Cyrus’ cause. This Cyrus it seemed, was at the very least a man of charisma; and apparently very popular among his own people, as well as the people of many other nations. This spoke well of Cyrus’ character, he thought, grimly realising that it would make him a formidable enemy too. His master, Croesus, he now realized, was just about to commit himself irrevocably to an extremely bold and very dangerous course of action.

Was it possible that it had been a mistake to pick a fight with this fledgling Persian Empire in the first place? He could not help but wonder; and yet, thought Sandanis, at this point we could still retreat to Sardis without having to face Cyrus; although he realized that it would represent an embarrassing loss of face for Croesus to so easily relinquish a recently captured city. Even so, the general thought, at this moment it could still be done without any other serious losses; and they could always return in spring with their allies. With this in mind Sandanis turned to Croesus,

“Your majesty,” Sandanis said gravely, “before we commit ourselves irrevocably to this war, it is my duty to remind you that you are about to make war against men who wear leather trousers; who have all their other garments of leather; who do not feed on what they like, but on whatever they can get from a soil that is sterile and unkindly; who do not indulge in wine, but drink only water; who possess no figs nor anything else that is good to eat…”

Croesus appeared not to understand what Sandanis was getting at; he regarded his general quizzically; did he really think Croesus was such a coward as to retreat so easily at the first sight of the enemy? The puzzled frown with which Croesus now sternly regarded his general silently demanded further elucidation from the now embarrassed Sandanis, who coughed, a little nervously, and then continued quickly,

“So, if you conquer them, what can you get from them, seeing that they have nothing at all? But if they conquer you, consider how many precious things you will lose: and if they once get a taste of our pleasant things, they will keep such a hold of them that we shall never be able to make them loosen their grasp. For my part, I thank the gods that they have not put it into the hearts of the Persians to invade Lydia…”

Croesus was used to circumspection in his general; and he knew that Sandanis was not normally one to question his king. However, it is true, Croesus thought as he regarded the Persian host on the hill, that Cyrus’ army is much larger than either of us anticipated; and they have somehow managed to march them here much sooner than we expected; but he had never seen Sandanis quite so reluctant to fight.

Croesus knew from long experience that his general was anything but a coward; indeed, had he not been so confident of the gods’ goodwill himself, even he might have considered a cautious retreat to be the better course of action; at least until the spring, when their forces would be augmented by their allies. But now he knew for certain, he told himself, that the gods are on our side; and this is perhaps simply the first test he faced on his path to demi-godhood; after all, heroic feats, he reasoned, were always demanded of demi-gods.

And, he thought to himself to steady his nerves a little, that elusive goddess Fortune, though often fickle, usually favours the brave! In any case he was determined not to turn tail and flee like a whipped dog or a cringing coward, just because an unknown and hitherto untested enemy had suddenly put on an unexpected turn of speed. Yet he also knew that to allow himself to look weak by retreating, before even putting the enemy’s army to the test, could also be to invite disaster by starting to sow the seeds of a suspicion of cowardice among his own men; he must engage the enemy, he thought grimly.

“Thank you for your concern, Sandanis,” Croesus coolly replied, “but I assure you it is quite unnecessary; the gods are on our side in this battle; the oracle at Delphi said my kingdom will last forever; we cannot lose! As soon as we have won here we shall march on Media and Persia.”

Then, turning to address his other officers and the rest of the host in general, he grimly declaimed, in his loudest voice: “Now, gentlemen, you all have your orders; let each man do his own part nobly and you will all be rewarded with positions of honour in my new domain.” Then, turning to the trumpeter at his elbow, he ordered, “Trumpeter, sound the advance!”

*** *****   ***

The Little Red Hen

06 Friday Nov 2009

Posted by Therese Trouserzoff in Politics in the Pig's Arms

≈ 31 Comments

JuliaChookGillard

Story and Mischief by Warrigal

Farmer Rudd called all the farmyard animals into the barn for a good talking to.  This farm has gone to the pack under the old farmer.  I’m going to make it all better!

He handed out tasks to all the animals and it fell to The Little Red Hen to produce the farmer’s “Education Revolution”.

“Who will help me put this revolution together?” said the Little Red Hen. “Not I.” said Farmer Rudd.  “I’ve got more important things to do and a number of photo ops to attend”

“Oh…”, said the Little Red Hen, “Well, I better get sitting on this thing!”

Yes children, even in the best fairy stories your most favourite characters sometimes get the poopy end of the stick.

Sadly after two years in government all that the Little Red Hen has been able to do is lay an egg.

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