Digital Vader by Warrigal Mirriyuula
The mood on the S.S. Julian is sombre. The Kipper was killed in the fighting with the ICCB troops on Zog. This is our first loss and I’m finding it rather difficult to come to terms with the whole thing. We have just held the funeral service for the Kipper and placed him in a can, just like all good Kippers like to be. Dave does a rendition of Don McLean’s Vincent and Jilligan places the Kipper’s favourite hat on top of the can. We all head to the Bats Droppings to have a few pints or so to mourn the loss of our crew member.
Henry, our navcom, informs me that we are being followed by an ICCB ship however it’s not a warship “Blow the zarking thing up” I call through the intercom. “Lord Climate, an ICCB representative wishes to beam aboard, it’s a Lord Algernon, the ICCB’s Business Relationships Manager” says Henry “Tell him to zark off, anyway what business to we have with those dickheads?” I reply in a rather frustrated tone. I’m tired, the gun battle was hard going however what was worse was I had to listen to some Beatles music, yyyyeeeeuck. It was good though watching those ICCB troops running for the hills trying to get there headsets off.
“Sandy” says Michael in his usual Welsh sing-song way “Why don’t we at least listen to what he has to say, could be entertaining.” “Okay then Henry, let him come in, turn the defence shield off and no weapons” I state firmly into the intercom.
We meet in the middle of the green, on top of the wicket actually. “Lord Climate” the creature says “Salutations.” “I know you, you went to school with me at Inner Cyberia, it’s T..” I assert. “Yes it’s me Sandy” interjects Lord Algernon “I no longer go by that name. Yes we had fun didn’t we. The test match in the park every weekend, Glenda coming in off her long run and scaring the shit out of everyone. Remember when Emmjay stood up to Big Willie, boy, he was brave, I mean Big Willie was mean. Went on to become a Hells Angle I believe.” Yes, those were the days, when cricket was fun unlike now, now I’m caught up in an intergalactic cricket war.
“Now I’m sure you didn’t come here to discuss the good old days Lord Algernon, what is it exactly that you want?” I press. “Well, you’ve racked up quite an account with us, a death ball, a dozen or so destroyers and around a million staff dead, yes quite a bill” announces Lord Algernon. “Look mate, I’m on a mission from GOD, I didn’t ask to be drawn into any war and if that stupid Death Ball hadn’t caught us in that detractor beam none of this would have happened.” I reply rather assertively. “GOD you say?” queries Lord Algernon, “Yes, Gordon O’Donnell, the creator of the universe, sent me out into space to report on cricket games.” “You’re working for Gordon?” chokes Lord Algernon “Gee wish I had known that.” Lord Algernon pulls out his phone and makes a call. “Great Sandy” he says “Gordon has said send him the bill care of the Pigs Arms and we are to leave you alone” then vanishes.
Just as Lord Algernon vanished the Death Ball opened fire with its Annihilation Rendered Series Energiser ray destroying the S.S. Julian and all on board. Puts new meaning into the phrase ‘Blow in out your arse’. In fact the strike was so powerful that a cloud of atoms rose into the sky for half a light year. The ruse had worked, the fake call to Gordon was the signal for the Death Ball to fire in one minute.
On the planet Arcup a ripple in the space fabric was felt as they had lost one of their own. On Earth, in the Pigs Arms, everyone stopped momentarily and Astyages looked up into the heavens and muttered “Something bad has happened in the cosmos tonight”