Genital Mischief by Warrigal
Hmmmmmmmmmmmm,nnnnaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh, whiz, bang, bang, tonk, tonk, tonk. “Nanobot 249 to Base, come in base” “Base receiving 249, what’s up?” ”Base this brain is a mess, are you sure the plan is right?” enquires 249. “Apparently this was a fully functional earth being at one stage. We have to repair the creature to the map from the last teleport and that’s what is says” says the Base supervisor “Okay then” says 249 “this earth place must be full of weirdos if this is a functional example, 249 out”.
Zarking hell, what’s going on, last thing I can remember is a blinding bright light, lots of pain then blackness. Must have had one to many Trotter’s Ales. Shit, where the zark am I. It’s getting lighter, gee I’m in some sort of room but I’m in, well, like a clear coffin. I can see a sign on the door it says “Astrophysics 101”. Hmmm, isn’t that what Gordon is studying.
A man in a white lab coat approaches “Hi there” he says “I’m Professor T.D. Schnitzel however just call me TD” “Hi TD, I’ve heard about you from Gordon, where am I? What happened? Where’s Belinda?” I rattle off, confused and angry. “Now, now Sandy, don’t panic, Belinda’s fine. You have been transferred to our dimension and are on the planet Meup. We are reverse engineering your destruction and rebuilding you. It will take a few days. The ICCB Death Ball blew the S.S. Julian up destroying everything so we have to rebuild you. We have ordered you a new ship so when we send you back you’ll be able to go on your merry way, you are a very important to our research project. Your effect on the cricket wars is crucial to the overall project”
So Belinda and I were killed and the crew destroyed. The S.S. Julian gone. It was a great ship with a great crew. My heart sinks “So TD what are you researching, I mean if it’s the meaning to life, there ain’t none” I state rather confidently for some one who only has half a brain and one eye. “No, nothing that straightforward” says TD “We’re trying to figure out why baked beans on toast are a healthy meal option. Anyway in a few days you will be back on your new ship and this will only feel like a dream.”
“So I’m off to the Scientist of the Year dinner tonight. Trouble is I never know what to order” informs TD “How bout schnitzel with chips and salad” I bait “Yes they are coming with me, we’re a very popular choice. I always get anxious though” “What, are you chicken schnitzel?” I probe rather rudely. “No I guess I just have to beef up a bit. Look there is some good news and some bad news.” Gees, I hate conversations like this. “The bad news is we can’t find one of your eyes and your genitals so we’ve replaced them with bionic parts. The good news is we have increased your muscle strength and tightened that tummy of yours” “Hey TD” I ask “How about making it a big bigger, you know psst psst psst” I request rather pathetically “Okay then, is that all you earth men think of?” TD asks rather lamely “Yes every 4 seconds apparently. And look when you rebuild Belinda, what about a bigger front veranda?” TD stared back with a rather blank face. Then the penny dropped “Okay Sandy, I suppose that’s not too much to ask” as he walked away shaking his head.