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Intrepid Pig's Arm's foreign correspondent Neville Cole travelled to Chile to secure this amazing first hand account of a miner's ordeal
Translated by Neville Cole
Rescued Chilean miner, Jaime Esteban, is the first of the trapped miners to release his account of the harrowing 69 days he and his 32 fellow miners spent underground. Here are some excerpts he read to me from his personal diary.
Day 1: It appears we have been cut off from the outside world. ¡Dios mio! I can’t help but wonder if it is all my fault. I did not make a sacrifice to el Diablo this morning. Every day since I was a small boy I have poured some pisco at el Diablo’s feet before descending into the mine; but this morning I was so hung over I kept all of that delicious brandy for myself. Some hair of the dog, as they say. I wonder if I should tell my 32 mine brothers of my terrible mistake? At the moment most of them are convinced it is Paco’s fault and besides it is true he is always leaving the oil lamps burning in the dynamite store room. I think it is probably best to keep my secret to myself, just in case.
Day 2: We have all smoked nearly all our cigarettes already. I hope we are rescued soon. I am not sure how long we will all last without nicotine. Paco is very drunk and trying to convince everyone we should remove our clothes and huddle together to keep warm. I had to remind him several times it is 37 degrees Celsius down here to which he eventually replied it was clearly too hot to wear clothes and ever since he has been walking around taking an extended air bath. I am glad it is very dark down here.
Day 3: Paco tried to get all of us to make a pact that should any of us die we would agree to allow our fellow mine brothers divide up our remains and eat them. Further more he wanted us to agree to eat someone at random should our food supplies get dangerously low. We all voted that it was way too early to be discussing such extreme measures.
Day 4: Jorge caught Paco red-handed today. He was breaking into our food locker. He claimed he was only checking to see if supplies were dangerously low yet. He seems determine to eat one of us.
Day 5: It is becoming clear that we will be stuck in this mine for a very long time. Perhaps forever. It is difficult to keep track of time as we never see sunlight and none of us wears a watch that keeps good time. We have decided to etch a calendar on the wall and keep track of the passing days by monitoring our bowel movements.
Day 6: It was Paco’s turn to make dinner tonight. Now, we all have the shits. Alejandro yelled at him that he must always wash his hands before cooking and that he may never again cook in the nude.
Day 7?: Silvestro handed out handfuls of coca leaves to all yesterday claiming that it would cure our intestinal issues. It hasn’t. None of us can sleep now. Pablo decided to start training for the Santiago Marathon and went for a run through the mine shafts. He was gone for hours, I think. Mario announced he was going to write an opera about our experiences and now will not stop singing his every thought out loud. For the first time since the collapse Paco is not the most annoying person in the mine.
Day ?? Haven’t written in at least a few days. Morale is at an all time low. There are no cigarettes, alcohol or coca leaves left but at least the shitting has slowed. We are all missing our loved ones terribly. I think about mi madre and how empty her heart must be without her Jaime by her side. I think of my beautiful wife, mother of my children and oh, how I worry for my dear five (or is it six?) little ones. I pray they will not have to suffer long without their father’s guidance and love. I also find I think most often about my lover, Maria and her fine round ass as smooth and firm as a fattened pig’s.
Day 32: The calendar we etched on the mine wall says today is Day 32 but I am not sure it has really been that long. During our long battle with diarrhea, I am convinced several extra days were added by mistake. I also have a sneaking suspicion that Paco has been adding days when no one is looking in a feeble attempt to convince us to start eating each other.
Day Whatever: I have given up trying to keep track of passing days. I no longer care as I am finally convinced that I will die in this godforsaken hellhole. Pablo on the other hand is now running seven-and-a-half minute splits and completes 15 miles a day on average. His only concern now is adapting to the altitude in Santiago. He also wonders if he will be able to run in the daytime without his mine helmet on.
Day 30: We have finally made contact with the rescuers and now know for certain that we have been trapped in the mine for 30 days. We cheered with delight at the thought that we will soon be free. Paco cried out for a group hug and we all joined in happily. We did draw the line at a group nude cuddle session however.
Day 31: We asked today how long it would be before we could see our loved ones and breathe fresh, pure Chilean air and bask in the warm, healing Chilean sun. The rescue team sent word that they would get right back to us about that.
Day 32: Today I woke to find Paco spooning me from behind and worse he seemed to be enjoying it. I pushed him away but before I could confront him he firmly cautioned me about the terrible dangers of waking a sleepwalker. He told me the next time he happened by in a somnambulant state that it was imperative I let him finish. He wandered off before I had a chance to find out what the hell he was talking about.
Day 33: Still no word from the rescue team about when we should expect our release. Paco again tried to convince us that the world would forgive a little cannibalism as long as we all had the story straight.
Day 39: Just received confirmation that we may be stuck here for another month. Pablo is furious. He says if we wait that long it will ruin his whole training regimen and there is no way he can be ready for the marathon now.
Day 40: Pablo is in a terrible funk. Mario offered to run with him today but Pablo just whispered “What’s the point? What’s the point of any of this? If I can’t run in the marathon what’s the point of getting out of here at all?”
Day 50: Today, our 50th day underground was also my 50th birthday. Juan fashioned a cake for me out of dirt and dried prunes. It was beautiful and I was very touched when all my brothers sang ¡Feliz cumpleaños!; but then the celebration was dimmed when we realized no one could eat even a single slice as all our teeth have fallen out. Why didn’t even one of us pack a tooth brush?
Day 60: It has been confirmed! We will all be free very soon! We are so happy today. Well, except Paco, who actually seems to enjoy living naked in a hot dark hole surrounded by men.
Day 69: I am to next in line to rise to the surface. I cannot believe this wondrous day has arrived. Very soon I will finally see my loved ones. I am so glad Maria is married. She will at least have the sense not to confront my mother and wife in front of such a big crowd of people. That’s all I need to deal with after 69 days down here. We have heard the President himself is up above to greet us. We have heard that TV cameras are recording every moment and that millions around the world are waiting to greet us with tears of joy. Everyone has been hugging and crying and singing praises. We even convinced Paco to put his clothes back on. He seems to have pulled himself together but keeps pacing back and forth, laughing awkwardly and saying loudly to anyone within earshot: “Hey, what happens down the mine stays down the mine. Right guys? Am I right? I’m right, right?”
Neville, I suffer from time deprivation and I rarely have an opportunity to read contributions more than once …. this note is to say that this is a great piece that deserves many happy returns.
Cheers,
Emm.
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While it’s not exactly Plato’s Cave it none the less has lessons for us all. (Chuckle, chuckle, chuckle…..)
You funny man, Senor Nef.
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Enormously thankful for this, Neville.
Every entry, every sentence is a gem. Very natural, very sincere, yet, still very surprising. One stops at every sentence to consider the thinking behind it, to relish and revere it, to enjoy it to the full. Goodness only knows what sort of entries my diary would have under similar circumstances! I, an aussie paper-and-pen boy, compared to Esteban, a Chilean miner. I’d love to see the entries of any of the other miners and compare them with Esteban’s as well as add to the picture.
I am still chewing over this one: I also find I think most often about my lover, Maria and her fine round ass as smooth and firm as a fattened pig’s.
I don’t know why this sentence has struck more than all the others, though the others, too, as I said, struck me enormously. The sentiment -or is it the visuals?- is a little perplexing to my “aussie paper-and-pen boy” brain!
Again, enormous thanks, Neville.
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Wouldn’t we love to read Yonni Barrios’ diary entries as well -if he did write them!
He’s the guy who’s got two -count them, two- mistresses. His wife didn’t go to greet him. Would the phrase, “God, let me die now” play on his lips, I wonder!
That’s one brave guy even before he got stuck with the others.
Oh, to be a fly on the wall!
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Very kind words, atomou. One of my favorite bits of comedy of all time was Peter Cook’s Coal Miner sketch…I’m sure it was bouncing around in my brain while Esteban told his tale. Here’s a link to Cook’s sketch:
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Classic. Marcel Proust must work down another mine!
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In the mining camps of Bolivia I mostly clearly remember packs of wild dogs constantly fighting, the landscape piled with blowing garbage, and…pigs. Pigs everywhere. Now, I personally don’t think much of pig’s asses; but I’m guessing it gets pretty lonely down the mine. Just ask Paco.
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The pig’s ass comment was supposed to go under Atomou’s first comment and looks strangely out of context where it landed.
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I could have sworn I heard the faint sound of distant squealing…… or a tune by the Spazzys – “Paco Doesn’t Love Me Anymore”
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yo
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Yo, indeed. A friend brought a meal made for her by friend to share with me and I read her excerpts of this. She screamed with laughter. Such a rich seam of humour. We make light and laugh otherwise we weep for evermore that these things happen. The role of the humourist and satirist is proven worth its salt for cheering us up.
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Thanks for thinking of us poor patrons, propping up the bar, Neville.
Crikey, that Paco’s a character!
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Thanks for thinking of us Neville. Apparently Australian magazines were bidding $200,000 (and these days that’s the same 200,000 greenbacks) for Australian rights to the Jaime Esteban story. And you broke it here. Aren’t we lucky that money means nothing to you? Otherwise we would have had to read this story in the Women’s Weekly.
P.S. Last we heard of the Nairobi tale, you were fleeing the evil, writhing supermodels at the Paraa lodge. Of course we know you eventually escaped them and returned to the US, but I for one am dying to hear the story of how you managed it.
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P.S. Were you feeling OK in that photo? You don’t seem to be yourself.
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Thanks for asking. I was suffering a little after eating what my guide describe as “some pig that was maybe not so fresh.”
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Pig – spelled “A r m a d i l l o” ?
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no…spelled plain old p i g.
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Thanks for taking us back, Voice. OK Tom Mix, over to you ……..
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Funny you should mention Tom Mix, I drive past Tom Mix Wash – the dry river bed he drove into at 80 miles an hour to end his life – a couple of times a month. I also drive past the very last bar he got liquored up in on that fateful night; but I’ve never stopped at either location. I must pull over at one or the other one of these days. There is a monument at the wash and I’m sure the bar serves a nice burger.
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yes…i must get back to explaining how i managed to survive. it wasn’t easy.
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Wait? What? How much? $200,000? Ah, Emmjay…how much to pull this story now and pretend it was never posted?
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I’ll Email you the direct deposit details and then – after a suitable injection of funds, I’ll say “what story was that, Neville ? “
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Of course, should the Weekly for some obscure reason feel it did not want to publish the story, you could always submit it as a homo-erotic (not that there’s anything wrong with that) fantasy story to some other publication. Afraid the question of which one is not my area of expertise. And I am far too diplomatic to suggest anyone else as an alternative source of advice on that issue.
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“Mario announced he was going to write an opera about our experiences and now will not stop singing his every thought out loud. For the first time since the collapse Paco is not the most annoying person in the mine.”
“Paco cried out for a group hug and we all joined in happily. We did draw the line at a group nude cuddle session however.”
Digging through this rubble out of the mind of a miner, these are images that do it for me. Well done with this difficult task of translating the excerpts read to you from the diary of Jaime Esteban. Well, maybe ‘I am to next in line to rise to the surface’ is pretty good. I laughed loudly (forgive me). Nice to meet you and thank you Neville.
Kind Regards
Shoe.
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Nice to meet you too Shoe. I’ve enjoyed reading your stuff.
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