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Church of the Holy Bail – by Warrigal Mirriyuula

I have been invited to the bar at the Pigs Arms to have a meeting with the Bish, oh and a few beers. As we walk in there’s Foodge  with O’Hoo and Merv. Scheming up some deal I’m sure. You know lets make a million, yeah right. Bar fly’s, know what I mean.

The place is lively tonight and doing good trade given that the Trotters is off. The Bish has got our beers and ushers me into a private corner of the bar. “Sandy” utters the Bish in an unusually soft tone for him, he’s worrying about something, I can tell. “Sandy, that credit card that Gordon gave you, you know, the card that works anywhere and every time. Well

The card is carried by a Oneker

can I see it?” Crikey, this is out of left field. I’m starting to feel anxious. Sweat is forming on my brow, I don’t think I want the Bish to see or touch my card, how strange.

I reach for my wallet rather reluctantly. My pulse is racing and the anxiety is washing over me like waves at the beach rendering me virtually neutralised. With lots of difficulty  I retrieve the card and hold it up for the Bish to see. The Bish’s eyes light up light the harbour bridge on new years eve. “Yes” he says “my precious, oops, I mean yes that’s the one Sandy. That’s the One Card. It’s connected to Gordon’s account at the One Bank and is run by Onekers. You see, Gordon owns all of the money in this sector of the universe.” Who cares I’m zarking sweating like a pig here and I don’t even know why. “You see Sandy, the card has special powers. Its able to morph into the local planetary technology so it can utilise the account. It also can be used by the holder to become invisible.” These dope smokers, all this crazy talk about magic, oh and yes my farcical powers, sheez.

The Bish continues his rave “The One Card is connected to three other cards one held by Belinda, and the other two are with Throwdough and Dildough Haggins, they live in the local mire called Inhobitable, they are always pissed and throwing parties.” Hey, sound like my kinda guys. Anyhoo, what’s this got to do with me. “You must enter the card into the

A female Automaticus Tellertorian

Slot of Doom. It’s on the planet Automaticus Tellerius and is found in the heart of Mt TheKerb. The danger is it is guarded by a sect of the ICCB (Intergalactic Cricket Control Board) called The Stumps and they worship the Holy Bail.” Zark, I’m simple but what a crock of sheet. The Bish needs to quit smokin.

The Bish is in full swing now “You must use the farce Luke, er, um, Sandy return the Holy Bail to Gordon, get back the other cards and enter your card in the Slot of Doom. That resets the expiry date.” So back out into space, fighting, gun battles and navigational tactics, silent running the space ship to avoid being killed, sounds boring. “Can you do it?” asks the Bish.

Look I can’t help myself sometimes so I say “When do I start?” when I really mean “Bish I’m sheeting myself at the thought”

“Good man Sandy, Gordon will be pleased. Go the meeting has ended” announces the Bish

“Thanks be to Gordon” I reply

“And with you” says the Bish.