My remaining five mysteries
By Helvi Oosterman
As you have all been waiting, with bated breath no doubt, for my remaining five mysterious things; no more suspense, here they are. To please dear Asty, I’ll start with something ‘sublime’ and leave the more mundane mysteries last:
6. Why are so many men cagey about shaking hands with females, whilst at the same time happy to pump their mates’ arms almost to a breaking point? Here I stand with my extended hand only to be conveniently ignored. Are we girls a lower caste, or are the men afraid to appear too intimate with us. After all the French men hug you and plant not one but four kisses on one’s cheeks without fear of retribution. Swearing when there are females present is another baffler. Don’t tell me the old story about ‘ladies’; we only have them in England, and they go together with the Lords…
7. I also like to know who ever came up with this unforgivable term, a ‘naughty’ or it’s brother ‘nookie’ when referring to making love. He wasn’t a Frenchman, that’s for sure.
8. We had lunch with some newish friends; the quiche was very good and the desert was divine. There was a salad to go with the main, but it wasn’t dressed, the vinaigrette was missing; what to do? Follow the hostess and sprinkle some oil from one bottle and a few drops of vinegar from another. But this is not the same as having a real vinaigrette made to proper quantities of oil, vinegar, salt, pepper, French mustard, pinch of sugar, some fresh herbs and even garlic if you so prefer. Is this two-bottle custom from middle ages?
9. While we are talking food I have to ask what is this calling some cheeses ‘tasty’? Are the other cheeses tasteless, perhaps? I have a husband who sometimes still buys those packets of pre-sliced processed ‘cheeses’, these slices are individually wrapped and at times very hard to get to. I suggest that he eat them with wrapping and all; they both taste the same more or less.
10. Now we are coming to the one mystery which I actually hate, really the only thing I hate, the flies. Why are there so many flies in the Australian bush? My dreams of picnics on the river were killed by millions of flies as soon as we took the tucker out. One Christmas I decked the table on the veranda with my best linen and tableware; as soon as the prawns arrived we all had to run inside as the flies swarmed from nowhere to attack the food. On my dad’s farm in Finland we did everything outside during summers, we had our coffee breaks, lunches and at times even dinners al fresco. We were not bothered by flies. I know the northern part of my fatherland is made inhabitable in summertime by mosquitoes , but that is a story for another time. I remember visting Bali when it was still pretty dirty and when the food scraps and other rubbish littered the place, and of course plenty of unclean water for flies to breed in, yet hardly any about…
I hope you can show some light into my little mysteries; be truthful or inventive, all explanations thankfully accepted!
Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle 
I always bow to a lady.
Shaking hands is just…..soooo working class 🙂
LikeLike
Thanks for that (the little bow) Your Lordship!
LikeLike
I decided I wouldn’t throw the grass clippings in the garbage like everyone else does. I thought it would be good for the garden, so I try to make holes and fill them up. Then I got the poodle, who pooed an extraordinary lot when he was growing up. I tried putting all that in holes too. I thought that would be good for the garden to get some nutrients. But the flies, the flies, there were so many of them last year, the neighbours must really hate me with my foolish countrified ideas. The garden was pretty lush. But I think I need some better solutions this year. (There were too many clippings to fit in the compost. Too much for the holes I dug. So it wasn’t just being dumb, it was being overwhelmed with resources). Flies really annoy me. I got fly paper, they just ignored it. Tied plastic bags, CDs from the ceiling, ditto. Citronella and lavender spray, no. Mosquito coils, nah. They like to socialize on my computer screen. Horrible.
Tasty cheese sometimes didn’t use to taste too tasty to me. I rarely eat cheese these days and I find any cheese at all is quite amazing.
I don’t know why men don’t shake hands. I think men don’t do things that they’re not immediately comfortable doing, and they’re not immediately comfortable touching a woman they don’t know. I guess that’s a sexual thing? They seem to like to stand back a little. Never realizing that sometimes shaking hands is great because you know it’s the closest you’re going to get. Mind you, I’m sure if they fancy the woman and not shy they’ll probably be more forward. I met a Japanese astronaut who had been into space, and at the end of the evening I shook his hand because I wanted to touch someone who had been in outer space. There. I’ve touched someone who was in outer space, still has a faraway look in his eye, from a place that I will never go.
Sometimes I pour vinegar and then oil into my salad because I’m being lazy. But it definitely tastes better to me if it’s mixed first. Otherwise you get some bits that are vinegary, some olive-oil-y, and if the vinegar is strong that’s all you can taste.
I think calling sex “a naughty” is pretty dumb. It sounds like it came from a Carry On movie. But “nookie” sounds a little better.
LikeLike
One more thing. I did not know that you put a little sugar in viniagrette. Amazing. I’ll try it one of these days.
LikeLike
Lehan, I love this one, it made me laugh out loud; you are very sweet, flies annoy you, I simply hated them! We used to time our barbies to happen only after it was dark, winter time was also better for cooking your meat outside. The winter barbies were possible during the daylight hours.
Yes, we cooked’winter-time’ and ‘summer-time’ !
The word ‘nookie” sounds a bit Dutch, have to ask Gez.
LikeLike
Talk about keeping warm. Question 11: Dresses and French kisses.
When or why did the word ‘French’ become associated with a form of kissing? Also, the ‘French’ letter.
Those expressions do not exist in Dutch or German ( or French) and, as far as I know, are only used by the English in describing something they think of as very naughty. I mean, we don’t talk about sex, “we are English”.
I wonder what “English love” is. Is it with a blind fold on while boiling cabbage or tripe on the 29th of February.?
LikeLike
Very funny Gerard, there’s enough fodder there for two conferences…
Still, I’m happy to have my four kisses, a warm handshake and a HUG, when I see our dear Frenchman Jean… what a ‘pity’ he’s got such an attractive and nice Australian wife 🙂
LikeLike
My reply, H:
6. Proper gentlemen (and there are few of us left, isn’t it, Big), will wait for a woman to offer her hand in a handshake. Sometimes my exuberance overcomes my manners but not with complete strangers. So, it’s your fault 🙂
7. Pleasure = guilt = nautiness.
8. Ah, condiments – the luxury of the time rich.
9. For most of the 200 years or so of white settlement in Australia, cheese came in soapy blocks and slices from the Kraft factory. It was merely a source of pale yellow in the diet. Some dudes found out that if one kept the Kraft cheddar for a bit longer, it matured and became tasty. But in truth it’s a warning to Mums – “No way will your kids eat this on the school lunches – It’s too TASTY”.
10. We have flies because we have a mostly warm all the time climate and lots of livestock who shit all over the place. Tucker and accommodation for flies.
Great Merkel Sarkozy pic, BTW.
LikeLike
My response;
6. Us working class Australians were taught to not shake hands with women folk. I didn’t start to do this until my mid 20’s, after some European ladies took umbrage at being excluded.
7. Don’t know where ‘naughty’ came from, I think it’s f^%$*ing great!
8. Hate salad dressing, but, I think that one should cater for visitors, whether, catholic, protestant, or calathumpian.
9. I’m with Hung, don’t eat cheese.
10. Flies, Holy Isis, why did you invent the buggers?
LikeLike
6. Trust you to come up with something funny and profound, I thought my hands were dirty, and I was just a little upset; times have changed though, now the handshake is not enough 🙂
7.A very naughty explanation!
8. You don’t eat salads, only rabbits eat greens without dressing.
9. BM, you’ll be drinking Shiraz soon…
1o. I too have sent many E-mails, no replies!
LikeLike
Viv, it ‘s all meant to be ‘tongue in cheek stuff’, not to be critical of Australia. I once read something similar written by English journalist, married to a Finn and living in Finland. My response to his story was that I had never experienced any of it, ‘what’s he talking about…’
8. I have two friends from Scottish background, who use the two bottle system 🙂
9.My main everyday cheese is aged Aussie cheddar, but I also have a Dutch hubby who loves those slices of ‘tasteless’ cheese, on white sliced bread! The German pumpernickel gives him indigestion, he says.
10. No one has been able to explain the enormity of the fly problem to me. Some fellow alpaca breeders in Canberra area told us that the dung beetles can be helpful, but of course they didn’t breed much during the drought years. Gez tells me they also use some sprays around Uluru…
LikeLike
I half figured that Helvi but was uncertain because of your previous articles.
The handshake problem – they have filthy hands !
You got me with the ‘naughty’ though.
I’m right about them not knowing how to make a dressing (of any kind!)
Tasty cheese is not a cheddar. But it is very handy and great for mornays.
Still think you should ask Tim Flannery.
Didn’t think you were being critical of Australia or Aussies. I know a number of Aussies who have weird habits, strange food ideas etc. They are just not very adventurous.
LikeLike
I’ll have a go Helvi …….
Q.6 – I haven’t had that experience but, perhaps for some, it may depend on the occasion. More information needed on your experiences.
Q.7 I believe it is an English/Australian expression which goes back some decades and not used much now as far as I have noticed. The word naughty was probably chosen because they couldn’t bring themselves to say what was really going on.
Q.8 Your new friends don’t know how to make a proper dressing. I’ve never heard of this being done until now.
Q.9 I answered this one last year. Someone made a new cheese and asked a friend/workmate what they thought of it. Hmmm she/he said, tasty, very tasty. And the name stuck.
Q.10 Ask Tim Flannery. But I think it has more to do with the overall climate – more hot and dry over much of the country. We have a number of different flies, little bush flies, house flies, blue flies, blowflies, sandflies – a world record we could do without most certainly.
LikeLike
…this is just a little fill-up when waiting for new stories from Emmjay, Big M, ato, asty, Hungie, Nev, Waz, Voice, sandshoe, Julian, Alge, and last but not least, you Vivienne, not to forget Gregor, and where is Susan?
At least Lehan and Gerard have been keeping the place warm… 🙂
LikeLike
Viv, we had lunch yesterday with a Finnish lady, who’s spent many years in England; we had some quiche and a salad, the salad dressing was mixed, home-made, but she had it in small bowl to spooned individually on each plate …
Live and learn , viva la difference!
LikeLike
That is what we do – make the dressing and offer it separately! Always have too !
LikeLike