Story and photographs by Jules
This window dresser and a pigsarmsman recently sashayed into Harrods with his 86 year old Mum for an oyster treat. Mum being insistent that they have, `the selection’.
Now this is a great idea because one gets to do the comparison in `real-time’. One can guzzle the little molluscs one after t’other and compare taste.
Just as an aside here let me tell you that oysters actually filter and clean the water that they live in. (Makes a change from Humans, the nasty beasts.) A healthy oyster can filter 50 gallons of water a day. Well so I read somewhere. I’m not going to provide a peer reviewed paper!!
Anyway they ( we) had some rock oysters, Japanese Pacific oysters, Clares, Belons- and my favourite The Colchester, accompanied by brown bread and butter. The bread baked on site and the un-salted butter sourced from The Harrods Dairy Farm—or so I’m told.
They were duly dispatched, accompanied by a glass of French Champagne * (from Harrods vineyards, no doubt)- and this enabled us to come to a sensible decision with the suitcase purchase, upstairs.
One of my old haunts in affluent days of yore was Wheelers. Good old fashioned silver service, with slightly snooty waiters. It made me feel good in the seventies, to dine in the up market establishments. Me with denims and kaftan shirt, accompanied by the remnants of “the beautiful people of the sixties” ,the hoi-polloi , current and fading debutantes and–well anybody really, especially if they had pizzazz.
I never got to Wheelers Oyster Bar in Whitstable, but have avowed to take the pilgrimage one day. This year perchance, if plans for a 400th anniversary school reunion are taken up. It is miles away, nowhere is too far in Dear Old Blighty .
Thanks to Neville Cole for prompting me to dig out last year’s photos. If you hadn’t they would probably just languish on my hard drive for evermore and a day.
But just before I go I’ll just share this:
On a sojourn on the Coast of California once, we picked out a seafood restaurant in Sausalito, just over the Northern side of The Golden Gate Bridge. We had driven up from LA, stopping at a couple of motels and made camp in a Ramada Hotel in San Francisco. You know, we had the family room with two king sized beds for five of us. Fortunately the saucepans were 3, 5 & 7 years old, so we all bunked in No Prob!
I can’t recall the name of the restaurant, but their specialty was lobster and I was very keen, especially after some recommendations.
I’ll keep this short—as it’s humid today and I need a pool fix. So let me just tell you that it was a riot.
They slapped bibs on us and made a great big fuss, as we were `Poms abroad’. This led to an abandonment of our English manners and we took great delight in making a mess. 5 or 6 beers helped the oysters down and some Californian White (can’t remember the style), washed the lobster down. It is the way we would like to eat, more often I’m sure.
*poetic embellishment—as Mum had champagne and I had soda, lime and bitters.


I wanted to offer a few oyster jokes, but I don’t know any, so I got on google and it seems there are two kinds of oyster jokes; a first category that are so lame, so weak that they don’t deserve repeating; and then a second category that seem only to equate oysters with every kind of bodily secretion in disgusting situations that are by turns deeply misanthropic, misogynistic, racist, sexist, ageist; and so deeply peurile, yet aggressively confrontational, that you have to wonder at the minds of those that composed them and or posted them in the first place. All I can say is, poor old oysters.
So no funny oyster jokes apparently. Well none I found in the first couple of pages of results.
This was the quality of the first category.
What was the girl oyster’s main complaint about her boyfriend?
Apparently he never opened up to her.
Doesn’t really deserve a “boom boom”.
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It’s funny, isn’t it, our idea of manners? An Indian told me that his Dad always said that only animals eat with a knife and fork, as he expertly cleaned up his plate with a handy chunk of naan!
We need to hear more of your international travels, Julian.
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‘An Indian’ sounds very British. I should say, ‘an Indian mate’!
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OMG.
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i hope those oysters are still ok, after all this story has a bit of history…
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After the pounding at UL, I’ll have a dozen please, with some lemon. Could Hung one on be so kind as to pour me some Shiraz? No vinegar,.
and who will ruffle up my pillow and say: there, there dear?
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Gez, you need a good rest, old man, but, I fear you have busy times ahead, caring for your patient. Hope the missus gets better soon.
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bm, i suppose this will a test to find out if the male nurses are any good…
i assume the younger ones would be better, but ‘me no complain’.
when i slipped running down a minor hill in a friend’s soggy garden, i realised that i should have worn running shoes, (not nice shoes), i should not have run, and i should have let my friend to fetch her own bloody cane chair out of the rain, and, and…
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Wisdom in hindsight is a wonderful thing, I have plenty of it just ask me… 🙂
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Well, Helvi, most male nurses are no bloody good at all. My colleagues agree! You better stick with Gez. He seems to be a good, caring bloke!
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I love oysters Jules, good yarn, thanks.
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Jules, i love you brave souls like you self and gez who put their personal stories here for us all to see and read. amongst all political and other fighting i find these tales heartwarming. i think the pigs’ pink tee-shirt is most becoming, it goes so well with your ‘blond’ curls 🙂
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