HELL HOSPITAL
By Theseustoo
Episode 18
“Loreen, there’s something evil in the hospital… it’s possessing Catherine right now and if its hold isn’t broken soon it’ll possess her permanently… You must get her away from there; she needs to be in familiar surroundings… Maybe her own things might somehow get through to her; at the very least it might give her the moral support she needs to fight her demon…” St Helvi was insistent; she’d had a word with the Boss and he’d spoken to the Fates who’d agreed to put Paula’s fate into a ‘holding pattern’ for the time-being; so now she must drop all her other duties and pay particular attention to Catherine…
“But what about her baby” Loreen had asked… “Baby?” the saint inquired “Oh… that baby… Better keep your eyes on that baby too; it must be exorcised as soon as possible.”
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“We have no record of a baby…” the receptionist told Loreen innocently, “Are you sure you have the right name? Or the right hospital?” Loreen realised she would have to find the missing baby herself; the logical place to look first was Catherine’s home so, taking Swannee’s home address from his ‘clock-card’, which was still in the ‘on duty’ rack, now all she had to do was break Catherine out of the psych ward and take her home. This turned out to be easier than she thought it would be; borrowing a white coat from the laundry, with her hair tied back in a severe bun, wearing her reading glasses and with her staff id pinned to her lapel, she now looked so much like a doctor that no-one gave her id more than a cursory glance from a distance, so no-one looked closely enough to read the bit that said ‘cleaner’. Whenever anyone checked her id she just said, “I’m just escorting one of our patients to a medical appointment at another hospital; there’s a new treatment they want to try with this case… The receptionist looked up at her briefly, nodded disinterestedly and said, “Okay, but don’t forget to do the bookwork on her… otherwise you know who they’ll blame!” “No worries! Paperwork’s all taken care of…” Loreen lied, quickly whisking Catherine out of the ward and into a waiting taxi as the receptionist returned to her telephone conversation; a taxi which had, in fact, been waiting for another patient entirely, but which, Loreen generously informed the driver, “…would do anyway…”
***** ******* *****
Big Merv had opened well for the nurses’ eleven, with half a century clearly in sight when he was sadly dismissed for 46 by a stunning ‘yorker’ from Algernon, which exploded his wicket. The next couple of nurses were quickly bowled and/or caught and at one stage there, the nurses eleven were nine for a hundred and thirty… Hung One on put up a magnificent show as tenth man, however, finally declaring at 150, while Paula put up a respectable show as ‘eleventh man’ with thirty runs, leaving a total of 310 runs for the Swan kids to beat. The nurses were quietly confident that they had left their opposition an impossible task.
When the two smallest little-uns opened the batting, Merv made the mistake of thinking them far too cute to be able to do much damage and so sent down a couple of easy overs… the little-‘uns smashed most of them easily for six, or occasionally for four; having only little legs, they disdained running, because they were quite disadvantaged in this respect; so they sought runs from a standing position, deliberately courting danger, but smashing balls through any and every gap in the field. Funston played a particularly strong opening bat, but not before a slight altercation with the referee, who had initially given him out for a duck, leg before wicket… but who was somehow persuaded to change his verdict after Funston gave him the ‘fluence-eye’ and explained quietly, “Listen, this crowd have come here to see me bat; not to see him bowl…” The next thing the ref knew, he was listening to his own voice as if from the bottom of a well, saying, “Not out!”
John liked to make sure all the little-uns had a go at the bat, and they were all fierce risk-takers, but they could usually manage to do enough damage to the opposition to leave relatively little to do for the bowling partnerships of Algernon and Vivienne and John and Mary. When Algernon went to bat with only twenty runs to make, John and Mary knew they wouldn’t get a bat this game and started to prepare the sandwiches, looking forward to an early tea. A few minutes later Algae was borne in triumphantly on the shoulders of the rest of the team, until they suddenly and unceremoniously dropped him in favour of Mary and Vivienne’s sandwiches.
***** ******* *****
The novelty of having her own zombie-slave to do her bidding wore off faster than Elaine thought it would… corpses rarely make good conversation and even as servants they are less than enthusiastic; besides which, after a couple of days Swannee began to smell so she kept him in a chest-freezer until she began to worry about the health implications for the food that was stored alongside Swannee’s undead remains. Eventually she moved him back to the morgue, thinking it the only proper place for a corpse… outside the grave, anyway. Here at least she would be able to keep him on ice and minimise the smell without risking her own health; and providing she timed it right, here would be the most convenient place for the next ritual…
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The tiny part of her mind that was still Catherine had been warned by the gentler of the two voices in her head to be ready for the opportunity to escape, and though she still lacked any volition of her own, she put up no resistance as Loreen walked her out to the taxi and sat with her in the back of the cab while the driver took them to Catherine’s home address. Loreen had expected the house to be full of kids, but when they arrived they discovered the place was empty. However, Loreen found a window open round the back of the house and climbed in through it to let in her zombie-like friend. Where was everyone, Loreen wondered; it was Saturday afternnon; the kids should at least be at home… but the house seemed deserted.
***** ******* *****

What’s the foot report in real world land?
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Sorry I didn’t see this yesterday, Voice, I was taking a bit of a break…
The foot report is that it’s about as good as it’s going to get; thanks for asking. I can walk on it, though the amount of walking I can do is limited by the gradually increasing soreness (it’s still ‘somewhat sore’ all the time, of course) and the amount I’m likely to suffer next day….
If the osteoporosis improves enough before my next six-monthly appointment with the orthopaedic surgeon there’s still the possibility that I can have the ‘triple-fusion’ surgery which will alleviate the pain, but at the cost of stiffening up the joint, meaning it may leave me with not only less pain but also less movement in the foot and thus less general all-round mobility…
I was advised by Centrelink staff to put in an application for a disability allowance, but it seems I’m not ‘disabled’ enough for them and the application has been rejected; I’m appealing, of course, but am not optimistic about the result; it seems to me they only made me put in the application so they could give me the ‘runaround’ anyway… they seem to enjoy doing that…
Must say that Centrelink have done everything they could to make things harder for me these last couple of years, and nothing whatsoever to help me… I couldn’t believe it when I was told, while there was still half a scrapyard-full of metal in my foot and unable to put that foot down on the floor, that I wasn’t disabled… but apparently you must have a ‘condition’ for two years before they’ll even consider it… (and no they don’t backdate payments to when the condition first appeared; only ’til when you first put in the application…)
So, I’m still largely ‘chairbound’; but because they tell me I could get sitting-down work in an office I’m not disabled… even though I’ve had no real experience in that type of work… and the chances of my being hired for such work is virtually nil…
Gotta go and do some shopping now; my electric heater died a couple of nights ago… warranty must have run out, I suppose… Anyway, it needs replacing… See you later!
🙂
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The pain/function thing is crappy. A real bummer. 😦
So when will you finalise the insurance settlement? That’s a major issue isn’t it, not just what the result is but when the result is. Also, is there some mechanism to agree partial payment now without prejudicing the final result?
The Centrelink people’s advice to apply was correct since it’s the only way to get a ruling, and also because they don’t backdate payments earlier than the application date, So it’s hard to believe they would be motivated by making things harder, but I haven’t met the individuals. Do you really think so?
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Already had a couple of ‘interim payments’ Voice and the insurance company doesn’t want to give me any more before the final settlement…
Do I really think centrelink wanted to make things harder for me?
Well… not really, but some (a lot!) of their actions have been more of a hindrance than a help, making me do more running around than would otherwise have been necessary… and I can’t help but wonder that I seem to be ‘disabled’ in every sense except the one in which they give me the pension…
I must admit, however, the thought that someone at Centrelink was getting a big kick out of my discomfort has crossed my mind more than once… For example, three times when I mentioned a certain (religious) institution on the Drum, I had payments cut off for no good reason and was obliged to make a trip into the office to sort it out… And when I went off the carer’s pension and onto the ‘Newstart’ allowance, I truly felt like I was being punished for doing the right thing… One centrelink staff member asked me, “So, Mr R… when did you stop caring for your son?” Sometimes it’s really hard to tell whether one’s perceptions are anything more than that… the actions and the maliciousness of the intent being so petty… Yet, give petty-minded people the power to affect someone’s life negatively and it’s sometimes surprising the degree of enjoyment they can derive from it…
😐
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That was a good laugh Asty, I do hope Algy wasn’t hurt in the rush for the sandwiches.
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Nothing more serious than a bruised ego, Algae!
🙂
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Sly little homage to Grace there T, nicely inserted.
I continue to enjoy the story and must admit to a certain wondering as to where it’s going to go. I enjoy a good undead yarn. Nothing like a few zombies to calm the vibe right down.
Have you read “Pride And Prejudice With Zombies”? If not you should give it a run. Funny fantastical mash up of a novel.
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Was never really a fan of Ms Austen, Warrigal, but ‘Pride and Prejudice With Zombies’ sounds a tad more interesting; a few zombies would liven that story right up… will check it out if I get half a chance, though to tell the truth I’ve never really been a ‘zombiephile’… Maybe the movie might be even less tedious, presuming, of course, that they made a movie…
I’m not entirely sure where the story’s going either Warrigal, but I try to do two things in each episode: firstly establish lots of potential storylines and secondly to pick up older threads of such storylines to further the story when the time seems ripe… it’s an interesting challenge; I have only the very vaguest idea of a plot.
Keeping a corpse around is an interesting challenge too… there’s only so much you can do with them, but I still have (again very vague) plans for Swannee…
🙂
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The house was quiet. Not even a mouse.
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Lucky the nurses were on hand, to attend to Merv. Those exploding wickets can be dastardly.
I bet, that Catherine looked quite cute with the uniform and severe bun 🙂
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Indeed she did, Vectis Lad… indeed she did…
🙂
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The way you write to the end revelation and blend and bend ideas on the way is a riotous, tumultuous result every chapter of this Hellish tale. It’s a tidy weave with quirky threads of reminders to there and to a quick build there. if it were plasticine it would be a model of grandiose proportions but hysterically funny. If it were chalk art it would be the finest in beautiful sweeps of chalk and in every line a whimsical and darkish at the same time joke. You set such a high standard.
What a load of nonsense some might say. Who am I to judge.
You’ve lead us like lambs through the heroic tale of the establishing of this survival oriented cricket team, only to spring on us the real trewth of this important background matter, just where are Swanee and Catherine, well, rather, what sort of condition are they in by now?
Swanee and Catherine…a couple of zombie undeads if ever there were…hahahahahahahaha.
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Where ya bin Plimsol? We’ve missed you.
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Thank you for those kind words Sandshoe… I’m glad you’re enjoying the tale. I suppose if you were to categorise it as a type of humor, you’d have to call it ‘whimsy’…
🙂
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So I am a bowler? Next time put me in the field – I’m a good thrower. Whacked a feral cat with a small plank of wood thrown uphill and a distance of 20 metres in the semi dark. Other than that, a lovely story.
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Okay, Vivienne, I’ll remember that next time… Sounds like you’d be pretty good with the bat too!
Thanks!
🙂
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You should see me with the blockbuster!
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Wot’s a blockbuster Vivvie? A really big bat?
😐
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It is a special sort of axe – use it to split logs of wood.
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Maybe you can use the blockbuster to cut sarnies, Vivienne… The story goes: you have this cleaver that’s capable of cutting four loaves of bread all at the same time; it’s your ‘four-loaf cleaver’, see…
😉
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I don’t like to brag … oh, go on, OK … I once got quite a few approving comments on my rugby potential at a Sydney Club. I caught a small boy who tripped on the stairs just before his head the ground.
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Nice catch Voice… though I don’t think they count anyway, if they hit the ground first.
Did you notice my subtle insertion of your ‘catch-all’ phrase into a conversation to make it look like I knew about cricket? As fine a work of bullsit as I’ve ever created, even if I do say so myself!
😉
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I should have said “would have hit the ground”. That was the point really, that it didn’t.
You dumbo, asty! The point of the phrase is to be able to pretend that you watched the whole match. You don’t have to pretend because whatever you say happened, happened. But even worse, by causally dropping phrases such as “exploded his wicket” and “tenth man” you are giving it away that you know more than you pretend. Sprung!
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I sorta did wonder if you meant that the kid’s head hit the ground… after you’d ‘caught’ him, Voice…
I realise the point of your phrase was originally to make it look like you had watched a cricket match, but my use is still along the same lines, only making it look like I know more than I really do about this esoteric territorial ritual… merely an extension of the same principle, I’d have thought…
And knowing a couple of phrases which relate to the game really isn’t the same thing as knowledge of the actual game, Voice… that’s just ‘incidental knowledge’, like knowing that Dutch people wear clogs and have a tendency to stick their fingers in dykes… like knowing the guy in the black frock is a priest, even though you may know nothing of his religion…
Wait and see how many time I’ll get away with the very thin handful of cricketing phrases I do know, and whose lexicon you have seen almost, if not actually, in its entirety…
😉
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A good read, asty, most enjoyable.
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Thank you Helvi…
🙂
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Well done, Asty. Your writing seems more effortless and it flows even better than before. Loved it. Ah, the smell of the dearly departed. Keep the ice up.
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Effortless? I suppose it’s the swan’s illusion, Gerard; all calm and serene on the surface, but underneath it’s paddling like fury!
Thanks…
🙂
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Jesus Asty, this is so funny I have almost run out of tissues
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Thank you kind sir!
🙂
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