Story by the Great Hung One On – Digital Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula
Hi. Sandy O’Way here. You know the good father from the St Generic Brand parish, around the corner and down the street from the Pigs Arms. Well the Bish, you know Bishop Bishop, wants me to get Shappy Corebee out of jail. Apparently Shappy got caught smuggling thugs into Barley as the local thugs aren’t strong enough and that’s why they need Australian thugs and let face we have plenty of thugs in Australia.
[Stop. Cut. Cease. Hung here. Look Sandy you idiot it’s drugs not thugs, now get on with it and stop being silly]
Oh, sorry! Okay so she’s a drug smuggler and is in jail in Barley which is an island in Donesia. Donesia is rated the most corrupt country in the world just above Australia. The Barlenese don’t want to be part of Donesia but when asked to join they didn’t have enough guns, tanks and jetfighters so they agreed. Anyway what can you bribe corruption with? I ask myself as I land at the airport in the capital of Barley, Nazi Goering.
I check into my hotel, The Nazi Goering Combination Hotel, and head for two private investigators, Beef and Chicken Satay. The Bish told me that these two old skewers are really peanuts but know the island. I send them out to get the low-down on how I can get Shappy out of the can.
The next day Beef rings me at my hotel “Look Sandy, we found high level criminal activity, hookers, inappropriate reporting procedures and set up merchants” Beef spluttered.
“Look Beef, I didn’t ask for a report on the Health Services Union, anyway you sound a bit overdone, I’ll take it from here”.
What in the name of Gordon am I going to do? The Bish said get her out or you’re fired so I better come up with something. I know I’ll ring the jail and make an appointment with the Governor, Berguling Gado Gado.
“Mr Gado Gado’s office” the voice replied.
“Er,um, hi, can I make an appointment to see the governor?” I ask rather nervously.
“Certainly Sir, 10:45 tomorrow morning. And your name Sir?” the voice asks.
My name, zark, what’s my name, crikey it’s been such a long time I’ve forgotten, oh hang on it’s at the top of the page, you know how you characteristically introduce yourself, see Sandy O’Way. Don’t you just love having conversations with yourself, yes I see it now, I say Hi. Sandy O’Way here so that must be me. “Sandy” I reply confidently “Sandy O’Way”.
“Thank you Sandy Sandy O’Way we will see you tomorrow” the voice affirms.
“No my name is just Sandy O’Way” I state rather awkwardly.
“Okay then Just Sandy O’Way see you tomorrow”.
I give up otherwise I will chew up my word limit and you won’t find out what happens in the end. I mean lets face it that’s why you read anything, to find out what happens in the end. So me I just read the end first and that saves me a lot of time. Like Frodo drops the One Ring into the Crack of Doom, now that saved me a heap of reading.
“Well Governor how can I convince you to let Shappy out of jail?” I ask. May as well get on the front foot.
“Yeah sure. I have 27th July 1965, 8th Feburury 1982 or August 1st 2003. Which date would you like?” the Governor exclaims.
“But Governor all those dates are past” I state rather bewildered by it all.
“Well in that case we better let her out then”
And so that is how it happened, honest, well sort of.