Story by Hung One On and Digital Mischief by Warrigal Mirriyuula
Hey. Hi. How are you? Sandy here, you know Sandy O’Way your local parish priest. Look I’ll cut to the chase. I need to get my word count up otherwise the Bish will kill me so I will be chucking in a few more words in this article, you know, like, words, words and more words. Wow, 50 words already, who said I’m an idiot.
Anyhoo, look, by the way that’s my second look, the Bish wants me to report on the State of Oregon that is about to be played between two teams, how interesting [groan]. But look, hey my third look, why does the Bish want to know about a state in America but look, okay, let’s take a look.
The State of Oregon is the 33rd state of the USA with a population of almost 4 million.
[ Okay. Stop right there Sandy. Hung here, look, I told you State of Origin, you know, football and the big decider coming up on the 4th July. You know mate I would call you and idiot but that would be an insult to idiots, now get on with it.]
Bloody hell. Did Hung get out of the wrong side of the bed or what but look I was enjoying the story so far. Now I have to write about football, ewww, yuck.
So look, hmm another look, I slip some security guards some suspicious white powder that they think is drugs but is really talcum powder to get an interview with the coaches. Boy, I can’t wait to see the faces of those stupid guards when they start sticking talc up their noses.
The two coaches are Ricky Poofart for the New South Wales Blues and Mal Meningitis for the Queensland Morons. I start with Ricky.
“So Ricky” I ask on the front foot just to let this guy know that I am a footy expert “Who’s going to win the upcoming game of Collingwood versus Manly?” That will stump him.
“Well I’m sorry Father but those teams play in different competitions” Ricky informs.
“Oh, so there is more than one competition?” I ask not knowingly.
“Well yes Father. Collingwood play Aussie Rules but Manly play the real game, Thugby League.” Ricky informs.
Darn. I was hoping for some inside information so I could make a killing down at FabSportsBet. I’ll throw another curly one at him. “What about the clash of the Saints, you know, Saint George verus Saint Kilda?”
“No Father. They are separate games with separate rules. They play on a big oval and we have referees and they have umpires” informs Ricky.
“Yes, yes, of course” I twaddle looking for another gag. “Yes, Ricky, I hear you are ecstatic about the umpires, oops, I mean referees? I probe.
“It’s always their fault that we lose” Ricky spurts, on his feet now and frothing at the mouth. He grabs me around the throat “The referees are always wrong and we are always right that’s what makes them so wrong and us so right and if we lose it’s rigged” spews Ricky.
“Look Ricky, chill man. So you are called the Blues. I love the blues, you know George Thorogood, Stevie Ray Vaughan that sort of thing” I enquire meekly, fearing for my life.
“The Blues is the colour of our jumper Father, er, um, sorry about the strangle hold.”
Hmm. I dust myself off and head to the next interview with Mal Meningitis, the coach of the Queensland Morons.
“So Mal, I mean Big Mal” hmm, big, M, couldn’t be. I ask the obvious “ So big Mal, you don’t live in Newcastle do you?”
“No Father. I am a true Queenslander. I live in Canberra” Mal replies.
“So Mal, are you are you going to beat those southern hicks, the Blues?” I ask.
“Don’t you worry about that” Mal replies “Look I have just finished making some pumpkin scones, replaced the faded curtains and fed the chooks, so don’t you worry about that Father”
Gordon zarking O’Donnell, what have we here. “Well Mal, have you ever thought about a career in politics?” I state rather dryly.
“Well Father, yes, no, maybe.” Mal states. Hey, maybe we do have something in common after all.
“Look Mal, I’m a fictitious character on a piece of paper that appears on a website called the Pigarms. What state of origin would I fit into?” I ask rather forlornly, you know, that feeling of not belonging.
“Well Father, by reading some of your stories I think you would fit into the Mental Health state” states Mal.
Yes, finally, I can cheer for my team, the state of Mental Health but I wonder which competition do they play in?
“So Mal, how do you feel about the referees?” I ask trying to hide my complete boredom.
“Look Father” says Mal “You pay them enough money and you get the result you want. In fact the State Premier, Camp Bellnewman, supports gay marriage.”
“I’m sorry Mal but I don’t get what you mean” I state innocently.
“Well look” says Mal “come over sweetie here and I’ll give you a kiss and we can talk about the first thing that pops up.”
Look, someone get me outta here.
[PS: I would like to thank the word look that appeared over 19 times and did nothing for the story at all except improve my word count.]