Story by Gerard Oosterman*.
“Why don’t you go and visit the men’s shed? You seem to be taking naps all the time. Each time I come down you are asleep. Have you taken your thyroid tablet? I hear that men’s sheds are taking off everywhere. It might help with your gloomy moods. You might meet a nice man.”
This à propos a conversation last week with H when the rain would not stop. The sky was grey. A perfect match for my mood. Yet the day before when the sky was just as grey, I felt ready to tackle the world, I even undertook a trip to Woolies to take advantage of a wine offer. Two bottles for the price of one. It is odd when I know that those sort of offers are just so much scam. Why do I still fall for that? Considering I pride myself on having some business acumen? No wonder their profit was up yet another 16% with mugs like me lurking around.
Shops now sell goods in multiples. Two loaves of bread cheaper than one. Six scissors for the price of two. Even two scissors for one is silly. I can only cut with one pair or eat only one loaf of bread at the time. Alas, consuming has to be sped up, faster, faster and more of it. All of it in vacuum sealed packages that are so hard to open you need secateurs. No worry, three of them for the price of one. We now have two jars of scissors on the kitchen bench with three secateurs.
Aldi’s sells the most mouth-watering packets of tools and tool accessories. I bought a box of Phillip screwdriver heads, not Phillip screwdrivers, no just the heads. Show me a Phillips screw, and boy am I prepared. I have a head for every conceivable Phillips screw. It is nice to be so secure in the world of Phillips screws. I noticed in their latest catalogue there is a special on a box of allen keys as well. Must rush out and get one. One can never have enough allen keys.
I did look up the local men’s shed. It has a kind of spiritual aura about it with the land and shed donated by the help of the local church. The past meetings all recorded on the internet does mention The Lord and other hints of a higher being ready to offer salvation. I am not sure if I haven’t left salvation a bit late but am happy to go to an even better place with even more boxes of exotic screw heads, allen keys, and extra loaves of bread. I suppose for many men heaven could not be much better than a gigantic type of Bunnings Hardware with a Lions club tent of barbecued sausages (with mustard, tom/barbecue sauce) available at any time of the day and night.
I’ll think about joining the men’s club. Their web-side has photos of blokes (the men are called blokes in this shed) busy with making things of wood or metal. There is a smaller shed for blokes with internet problems. I could do with some help with the torture that Windows 8.1 has involved me in. It is so complicated with the screen changing as soon as I move the mouse off-screen. Everything is so much Internet/electric torture and difficult now-a-days.
I feel I need a shed just for my own blokey self. That’s what it has now come to. It would have a divan, a bookshelf and a coffee grinder machine. Perhaps with a bit of ply-wood and my Aldi tools I could fashion a nice little wooden box, paint it an egg-shell beige. I could than think about what I would put in the box.
Perhaps my collection of Phillips screw heads?
Things are looking up!
* Catch Gez at http://oosterman.wordpress.com/2014/03/02/the-mens-shed/
Window Dresser's Arms, Pig & Whistle 
Can I ask why Gerard’s was post in moderation for hours, finally I tried to post it and I ended in moderation myself….not very good for the PA….I could not see anything worth moderating in GO’s post, please explain…
LikeLike
why gerard’s post was…
LikeLike
Doesn’t the moderating wotsit sometimes inexplicably react to links loaded in a comment, H?
LikeLike
Ted.Wilson@beyondblue.org.au mailto:Ted.Wilson@beyondblue.org.au Says:
March 7, 2014 at 2:03 am | Reply edit
I really enjoyed your article, Gerard. Very funny. I work on The Shed Online. We are looking for contributors for our Member articles section (http://www.theshedonline.org.au/articles). I was wondering whether you may be interested in writing a series for us on your experiences on joining a Men’s Shed (if you decide to try one out that is)? Unfortunately we do not offer money for articles but I think it might be valuable for our members to have someone with your flair for writing describe the experience. It may help boost your Blog’s profile as well. Anyway, just a thought anyway.
LikeLike
Gerard, two movies on SBS1 :
Precious – 9:30 pm (independent U.S. film)
Tell No One – 11:35 pm (French)
LikeLike
..tonight
LikeLike
We watched ‘Precious’ which we thought was a very good movie. Amazing acting.
LikeLike
I watched ‘Tell No One’. Disappointing but I held out for our side. Piglets, not to worry if it comes to a theatre near you. You can miss it. 1 star.
LikeLike
Ted.Wilson@beyondblue.org.au Says:
March 7, 2014 at 2:03 am | Reply edit
I really enjoyed your article, Gerard. Very funny. I work on The Shed Online. We are looking for contributors for our Member articles section (http://www.theshedonline.org.au/articles). I was wondering whether you may be interested in writing a series for us on your experiences on joining a Men’s Shed (if you decide to try one out that is)? Unfortunately we do not offer money for articles but I think it might be valuable for our members to have someone with your flair for writing describe the experience. It may help boost your Blog’s profile as well. Anyway, just a thought anyway.
LikeLike
gerard oosterman says:
March 8, 2014 at 8:54 am
Ted.Wilson@beyondblue.org.au Says:
March 7, 2014 at 2:03 am | Reply edit
I really enjoyed your article, Gerard. Very funny. I work on The Shed Online. We are looking for contributors for our Member articles section (http://www.theshedonline.org.au/articles). I was wondering whether you may be interested in writing a series for us on your experiences on joining a Men’s Shed (if you decide to try one out that is)? Unfortunately we do not offer money for articles but I think it might be valuable for our members to have someone with your flair for writing describe the experience. It may help boost your Blog’s profile as well. Anyway, just a thought anyway.
LikeLike
That is so encouraging.
LikeLike
Yes, men’s sheds are popular here. The idea is that men will be more at home with other men in a shed than elsewhere. It’s aim is to give an opportunity to share common interests and also alleviate depression that men might suffer from. Some of those sheds are used by men doing things for others. Repair bicycles or make children’s toys etc.
Australia has always enjoyed a culture of men in sheds. Don’t ask me why, it just is.
I am not aware of women in sheds. I don’t normally go around and look into people’s sheds.
Women are perhaps much more intimate with each other and talk, are more animated. Men often just grunt a bit or say; hmm, or yea, yea and keep it in.
My shed is full and has only room for one. I can only stand upright in my small shed which is tiring and gets lonely, especially if it rains. Sometimes Milo creeps in.
LikeLike
In the spirit of keeping a shed well equipped I purchased hubby a new mattock today. Needed new handle but got the whole thing for about the same price. It’s blue.
LikeLike
That’s nice Vivienne. I bet he is over the moon. My shed is small and very full so that I can only stand upright with no space for another person. I have had several responses on my own blog from overseas. The idea of men and sheds is unknown for many and they are curious why men in Australia like being in a shed with other men. I explain as good as I can in that men’s sheds is also for letting off steam and sharing ideas between men in the hope of alleviating depression. Many men also make things for charity and do voluntary work.
LikeLike
Yep – it is just a garden tool shed. Full of wobwebs too. Our previous neighbour had a shed. It was built as a double garage but never had a car parked in it. He made wooden toys for his grandkids and as presents for friends (intricate boxes, egg cups etc). It was full of reclaimed timber which he turned into beautiful things. It has a wood fire in it, a radio and a telephone extension. No fridge. It was very tidy too.
LikeLike
I am not so sure I would not rather express my feelings to my partner. My first port-o-call would be my dear H.
I suppose countries were feelings are more expressed openly with people generally emotionally more at ease have less problems with depression. They shout, rave and rant and let it all out in the open.
Here we often live entire lives behind blinds and fences with obsessive ideas about ‘privacy’, so, perhaps that’s why we suffer as a consequence.
The stiff upper lip. Keep it all to ourselves!
LikeLike
you dropped you haitch.
LikeLike
Yes, I’d confide in ‘your dear H’ too!
LikeLike
https://twitter.com/GOosterman?refsrc=email
LikeLike
watch Evoria sing and the guitar player at the end. Fabulous!
LikeLike
I love her songs, Gerard.
LikeLike
…me too.
LikeLike
I like this song.
UB40 – Red Red Wine
LikeLike
….me too.
LikeLike
http://www.miniclip.com/games/bullethead/en/
LikeLike
Do you play those games, Jayall? Can you write an article about them and what they are?
LikeLike
Philips head …bullet head. gerritt?
Dick head ect.
LikeLike
I don’t get it. I am sorry. My vulnerability is great with a computer I can barely afford in the first place. I don’t know what that site is about from what you say and that sounds creepy too…so I am not clicking further to activate it..
LikeLike
Don’t worry ‘shoe, it’s a game for mulletheads.
LikeLike
Lol thanks Big M I appreciate that even if it’s only become as clear as mud mullets.
LikeLike
The reason I say is that I don’t know by looking at the link what the game is intended to do or anything about the website. It looks creepy.
LikeLike
And what of the double glazing Gez, Double Glazing and the art of using a Philips head. I’m sure there are many who could share the interest. Our Lions is at Netball on a Saturday. Once a year we have to volunteer.The BBQ nazi will tell me how I’m not putting the paper towel on the tray properly, often in a howling wind.
A very enjoyable read.
LikeLike
Thank you Algy. I still haven’t received a quote for the double glazing. It is a system of magnetic tape holding Perspex panels in place about 50mm from the windows and glass doors. Much like a fridge door.
Here the Lions are strong with barbecues alternating between Woolies and Bunnings.
LikeLike
Mmmmmm…sounds like magnetite.
LikeLike
Yes, it is. A friend of ours had it done and is very happy. A lot cheaper than putting in new windows. Have you had any experience or knowledge of that system Big M?
LikeLike
Only online research…I think it’s still pretty dear, 300 to 400 per square metre, for 3 mm acrylic. There is a company that can convert aluminium or timber to proper DG (6mm glass with a 12 mm gap, in a special edge profile for Al) for about that. Dunno, spending all of my dough going to Italy with Mrs M!
LikeLike
Thanks Big M. That is right. The acrylic insolates temperature and noise better than glass and is lighter, which means you can lift the panels out for cleaning or in summer when not needed. Glass panels is still dearer. We are waiting for a final quote.
LikeLike
What if the choices of supermarkets ends up in red and blue tins marked Colles and Woolhoodwink (see that Emmjay’s comment)? How can that speak to someone whose choice is Foodland or Foodland and the NOW ploy is to sell discount tins of tuna and salad that are past the due date of AUGUST 2013!! Quarter of a shopping trolley full? You tell me how a self respecting business accumulates a quarter of a shopping trolley of unnoticed out-of-date tins of TUNA and salad for that long!? It is S-I-X plus months! Out of date.
I fear a heap of the rubbish turning up in the aisles is shipped here to MY supermarket (only one) already out of date.
Anyway, Gez, I was joking. No, I’m not. You are. No, you’re not. Wonderful. Mate, I know how you feel but men here cannot have the space in the utility room of the pub for a Men’s Shed. It’s not even a real shed. More hoodwinking. Nudge nudge. 😉
LikeLike
Past due date salmon? Surely resulting in a good thunder party? I don’t mind a used by date on Phillips screw heads or allen keys, but salmon? No way.
I’ll bring the issue up at the next meeting of the blokes in the shed. I wonder if granny could throw some light on this salmon debacle. Her spud wedges and salt and pepper calamari are always perfect.
I thought going upstairs to Rosie’s house of pain was bad enough but overdue salmon?
LikeLike
You were just in time. I went to the supermarket with my list..today rice dessert mouldy, today’s watermelon rotting and btw, the tins of fish and salad up the aisle there…were they delivered to the supermarket here especially (I don’t know, the lass said) and how could they be accumulated here on these shelves in such quantity since August last year!? (I don’t know but I’ll get someone to look into it). Hence I say you arrive in time to serve me a nice plate of Dutch cookies and a good drop of Trotters. 😉
Believe me I’ve heard things are looking up financially at Rosie’s house of pain since she got the contract for the Lower House.
LikeLike
Men’s Sheds in my town are for those of us with the black dog
LikeLike
Yes, I suppose same here in Bowral but also with a spiritual leaning as well.
LikeLike
What? The shed is leaning, may I ask. Do you mean the shed in Bowral leans spiritually and the shed at Port Noarlunga in Adelaide or wheresoever doesn’t incline that way? Men’s Shed’s are not intended to lean dogmatically if they can be said to lean spiritually.
Myself I would hate that idea of there being a spiritual intent if eg I was wanting to build a boat pure and simple. Anyhoo, maybe Hung will understand this leaning…puzzles
LikeLike
The shed is leaning towards giving blokes relief from being blokes. You know, the stoical type with always’ no worries’ and ‘she’ll be right’ and all ‘apples’ while all knotted and closed up. No emotional turmoil ever expressed with tears all salted and dried up. Finally the fist thumping the wall or worse. If only we could talk better, let it out. Nothing feels better than a good cry. (even for blokes)
LikeLike
Yes, I suppose that’s spiritual. I always get a bit mixed up and mixed feelings as well using that term. Thanks, Gez.
LikeLike
There is a new Woolies at Wolli Creek. It is so gigantic it now caters for those electric wheel chairs with charging stations and extra wide isles. A nurse on call to revive those that are hyperventilating,perishing or simply dehydrating. (especially around the dairy division)
LikeLike
Lovely thoughts Gerard. But I would have expected you to already have the required assortment of phillip heads and allen keys. They don’t wear out. Are you seriously thinking about going to visit a Men’s Shed because it surely would give plenty of material for another article on what it’s really like. You must resolve to avoid the Aldi aisles with tools – the same as one might completely avoid the lolly/choc aisle.
Cheers,
LikeLike
Yes, I do have a couple of tools but Aldi’s sells those in nice yellow and black coloured boxes with each bit in its separate compartment. I did not know that there are so many different screw heads. I might get a proper workbench as I screw a lot in my shed.
LikeLike
Hilarious – excellent – ‘I screw lot in my shed’. Anyway, Gerard I have had a nice little box with a selection of tools for decades. I have an especially handy one with mini screw drivers of the regular and phillips heads – one so small that it can fix screws in spectacles.
LikeLike
I am sure you are a deft hand with many a tool in the shed, giving the phillips head a good turn. 😉 I have one of those small one’s for spectacles as well.
LikeLike
‘You might meet a nice man.’ Gee, I’m generous 🙂
LikeLike
Yes, someone nice NS,NG,ND and with own teeth.
LikeLike
Why ND (non drinking), is it because with a non drinker you can have whole bottle?
LikeLike
I think you’re onto me H.
LikeLike
Nf…no fun.
LikeLike
…and when you finish the bottle all on your own, anyone will do AWD.
LikeLike
I thought NF meant something more rudimentary, like a rude ‘not tonight’ I’ve got a headache.
LikeLike
In that case, you should get out to the shed and get onto the ‘tools’.
LikeLike
Good laugh here, Gez. Many thanks. I go to the online shed quite a bit. I’m not sure whether we have an Inner West cyberian shed, but I’m sure that Merv can make some space in the utility room of the pub.
I have notice the multiple buy deals that Coles is offering – three for the price of one and a half or one for the price of two. Kind of extortion, isn’t it ? No rational person would buy one based on economy. But as you say, if I needed only one litre of milk, what the fuck do I do with the other 7 ? Take them down to the shed, I guess and enrol in a cheese-making class, perhaps. 🙂
So that’s how they post increasing profits in the teeth of a recession – get people to buy shit they don’t really need. I wanted to buy some new dried herbs and spices – and I noticed the traditional brand is suffering dwindling shelf space – under the enormous weight of Coles’ home brand. Sometimes this doesn’t actually matter. I usually buy stuff that’s produced in Australia, but some things are imported by the traditional brand as well as by Coles – I give you cornflour, for example – both imported and both packed in Australia.
I think the 1980s movie Repo-Man was prescient when the Emilio Esteves went to the fridge and there were only blue tins and red tins. Red ones were marked simply “food” and blue ones were marked “drink”. That’ll be how it is when all we can buy is either “Coles” or “Woollies”
LikeLike