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Just a quick recap. I’m Gordon O’Donnell, an astrophysicist from another dimension and me and a few of my class mates have invented this universe. Our teacher has sent the three of us here to study it for our astrophysics degree. I’m on a ship called Rudolph, my navcom is a SANTA(Sub Atomic Neuroleptic Transparent Android) who prefers to be called Nick and he is taking me soon to meet Viv. Hmm, the story continues….
Well after a good sleep in my cabin in the control room I wake to a knock on the door.
“Come in” I say while trying to orientate myself.
It’s Nick and he’s holding an envelope. “Hungry Gordon?” Nick inquires.
“Yes Nick. I could eat the arse out of a low flying duck” I state thinking how ghastly that would actually be but it is an old Meupian saying.
“The auto cook machine is in the corner. Tell it what you want and it will be brought to your cabin” says Nick. Now that’s my kind of service.
“What’s in the envelope?” I ask
“It’s a LETTER from Professor Schnitzel about your mission” relates Nick “I suggest you have something to eat then have a good read and then I will take you to meet Viv.”
A letter, I muse how quaint. I tell the auto cook I want black coffee, tomato juice, scrambled eggs and toast. I stare at the letter, hmm, yes TD never actually said what I was supposed to do on this mission. A knock on the door and the auto cook droid enters with my tray.
“Thank you” I say not really knowing what to say.
“You are welcome your highness” replies the droid.
“It’s Gordon, please, no formalities” I request.
“Auto Cook reprogramming, yes Gordon”
Hate formalities, my parents gave me a name and that is what I want to be called.
The aroma of the coffee is amazing and the food delightful. Note to self, this droid can cook.
Refreshed I open the letter but to my surprise it is blank. “Nick” I cry “This is a blank page”.
Moments later Nick appears at the door. “Gordon, what wrong?” he gasps, shock and horror on his face.
“This letter, it’s blank” I bemoan.
Nick releases a hearty laugh “For a minute there I thought this was something serious. This is a LETTER Gordon” Nick states “An acronym for Line Embedded Telepathic Text EditoR”
Space and acronyms, I should have know.
“See that tag on the top left hand corner and the one on the bottom right hand corner. Place your thumb and finger on those tags and the letter comes alive” laughs Nick.
Easy when you know how. Nick walks off down the passageway and half way converts to wheel mode, spooky when they do that but it saves power.
I put my fingers on the page as Nick has said. Suddenly text starts appearing on the page just like magic. Wow, isn’t fiction complex some times.
“Hello Gordon TeeDee here. Hey do you like my new version of my initials? Makes me sound young and groovy.”
Why is TeeDee(Groan) writing in italics I wonder.
“It’s so the viewer at home know it’s me talking”
How did you know what I was thinking?
“This is a telepathic document. This means only you and I will ever know what has been said. The mission detail must never be known in your new universe otherwise it will cause immense trouble. The page is verifying both your fingerprints and your retina. This ensures that it is me and you that are talking. ”
Bloody hell, what have I got myself into.
“Let me tell you. You are currently on course for a galaxy the locals refer to as the Milky Way. Your base planet is called The Earth but before you can settle on Earth you must travel the galaxy and establish the following three things. Find the Goldilocks planets and teach them Meupian which in your universe will be referred to as English, create a monetary system so that you own all the money in the galaxy but most important teach them how to play cricket”
My head is spinning. This was nothing like I imagined. All this information is overpowering.
“Yes, I know but this is an important part of your studies, setting the groundwork. Now to help you I have provided a transponder, it’s on the desk”
I look over to the desk at this object which says Panasonic TV Remote Control. WTZ? ( What the zark?)
“Yes I know, we had to cut them into the deal otherwise they were going to complain to the government. When you find a suitable planet, locate the most advanced primate tribe. Active your force shield so you won’t be killed and eaten and state “Take me to your leader”. The shield will ensure the natives comply. Point the transponder into the eye of the head primate and press the play button, get that play. This gives the head primate all the knowledge needed to achieve your goal. Anyway, off you go as we are approaching the word limit and we haven’t introduced Viv yet. Stay in touch”
Another knock at the door. I put the letter down and all of the text just vanishes, amazing, this is complex fiction for sure. It’s Nick “Gordon this is Viv” states Nick.
Wow, cowabunger, yea har, dribble, dribble, this is a female droid with the best set of, um, er, you know, um, wow, I’m blushing, my face is red and all of a sudden I’m feeling really hot and flushed, I can’t take my eyes off them. [Hung here, right oh Gordon, get on with it, this part is about to end]
“Nice to meet you Viv” I bumble “Now let me guess, Viv stands for Vital Ingredient Vitamised or Virtual Item Verified?” I state in an attempt to recover.
“No actually” says Viv “It’s short for Vivienne. I have been modelled on an Earth female and I am your SNAP Coordinator” replies Viv.
“Snap?” I ask somewhat deflated.
“Yes, Space Normalisation Adaptation Process. I’m here to show you the ship, take you to the bio and teach you how to cope on Earth”
You know, sometimes true stories are really hard to tell and this is a true story, well sort of.
First published: https://hungsworld.wordpress.com/2014/08/09/the-tail-of-god-part-2/
Hi Hung, dear. I had lots of fun reading this one. It’s got a lot of front. I like that in a droid. More front than Myers. Cheers and Thanks for the fish.
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Why thanks Bish
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Viv will most certainly do an excellent job of showing you the ropes. Now, just try to watch what goes on because their is more to Viv than the norks.
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Yes Viv. To be honest I was never going to mention them until you made a comment to Part 1 about them so I thought why not. I hope you aren’t offended as no offence was intended. Originally I was going to make this 3 parts but I am trying to limit the size of each episode to around 1000 words so that it is an easy read. It should be about 5 parts or abouts at the finish.
In the coming episodes Viv has some great fun with Gordon teaching him how to handle being in the Pigs Arms and what some colloquialisms mean.
Cheers
Mark
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Typo to be corrected in my post – there, not their. Now Hung, I was replying to the story line, not the author. No offence. I’m flattered. I think I’m a step ahead of you – the Viv droid being modelled on me must include the fact that you have inner knowledge of my tremendous handyperson skills and have lived in big cities and out in the sticks. I can advise on what to do when encountered with brown snakes, wandering roos, wombats, echnidas, injured hawks etc and the best way to drill a hole in a piece of metal. I’m just a tiny bit concerned that our adventurer might get distracted from paying attention to what is to be learnt because of the great tits !
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Thanks for that inside information Viv. I will use some of that to develop the Viv droid over the next 3 episodes. No it won’t be bust related. I have to get Gordon to the Rectory dinner that he has with the Bish and Father O’way which started the Father O’Way Chronicles. Pity I got Emmjay to delete them, I do have copies but they need rewriting to make sense.
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Amazing. Very funny and I laughed heartily. Well done, written and presented. Thanks hung one on well.
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Thanks Gerard. Sometimes it is good to have some escapism when there are so many serious issues occurring around the world at the moment
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Hung, It”s big this, eh. It could be taken up by a lot of people wanting to read about the droid Viv’s greatest assets mostly because they stand out. I like it the way you’ve written it Hung so well right from the beginning it won’t end up just getting dirty fingerprints on the page where you point out about the impressive knockers it’ll get read a lot though. I don’t wonder they’ll translate it into Russian.
🙂
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Thanks shoe. I enjoy writing this story, I feel much more relaxed these days and while I am not prolific in output I’m happier with the final draft.
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I enjoyed it. It is very easy to read, relaxed, funny. Quirky.
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