Merv was looking anxiously around the bar. All the usual patrons were in and all appeared comfortable however something was missing. There didn’t seem to be the normal spark and as Merv unleashed his usual torrent of flatulence he suddenly thought that he heard something coming from the distance, a sound growing, louder and louder by the second. A siren, shit…
Eeyore, Eeyore, Eeyore, Eeyore.
[Hang on, cut the story here. Merv here Emmjay, WTF are you doing? What sort of siren is that? That’s a fucking donkey mate!
It’s a budgetary measure I brought down in May to help save money. Call me Scro Tom Mo or what, but pay attention, this is a really good story, says Emmjay]
“Okay, no one move, I’m Chief Inspector Detective Sargent Provost Corporal Lieutenant Major Colonel Wire from the Inner Cyberian Federal Pleece and ewes is all under arrest under the Anti-Terribalism Act Section Seven Tee(ATASST) or as wheeze call it down the sty, er, oops, the station the ‘at assed'” roars the officer. “My mates call me Copper, you lot can call me Sir”
Now if there every was a way to stir the Pigs Arms crew into action it was a copper that wanted to be called Sir, oh this should be good.
“Sir you say” inquires Nurse Barbara ” Well SIR stands for Silly Ignorant Racist, so in my language you can go and…”
“C’mon Nurse Barbara, lets join Helvi and Tutu in the Ladies Lounge. We can talk politics, home decor, orgasms and penis lengths, see ya Tiny. Copper did you bring a magnifying glass? Just asking. ” says Sister Yvonne.
Roars of laughter from the crew.
“So you’re Copper to the Pub, it’s the Gubbermint trying to repress the working class” interjects Hung.
“Hung, you said that last episode didn’t ya? Now shut up and pass the bong” blurts Gib W.
“No, the one before, pass the bootleg”
“Shut up ewe fools, ewes is under arrest!!!” roars Copper Wire reaching a few Mbps.
“What are we actually under arrest for CIDSPCLMC Wire?” asks Angler, about the only one sensible in the story.
“Anti-Terribalism is when some one blah blah blah…
Put another dog on the fire.
Cook me up some bacon and amphetamines.
And go out to the car and change the tyre.
Suck my docks and see my dyslectic themes.
Come on, baby, you can fill my pipe,
And then go fetch my slippers.
And boil me up another pot of tea.
Then put another dog on the fire, babe,
And come and tell me why you’re leaving me.
[Misogyny rules, Bill and Boyd ladies and gentleman, round of applause]
Now we at the Pigs Arms want you to rush out an buy one of these
Nothing subliminal here folks.
Meanwhile back at the ranch Merv and Gerard are plotting with Father O’Way as to how to get rid of the pleece so everyone can back on with their normal if somewhat tedious lives.
“Sandy, ring fucking Gordon now, tell him to do a bit of that magic shit to scare off the pigs” says Gerard.
“Hey Gerard, I wanted to say that but not in that word order” replies Merv.
“Well fucking say it man, no matter what order of words, get on with it Sandy before this loon pulls a gun” instructs Gerard.
“Yes, GOD here and look if this is tedious you are in for a really hard time” answers Gordon on his mobile shaking his head. Why did his universal experiment mean that everyone had to have a mobile phone, hmm.
“Gordon it’s Sandy” says, well, Sandy actually.
“Oh for zark’s sake Sandy of course I know its you it says zarking Sandy on the zarking screen. What do you want? Chesney is about to have his birthday party on Coronation Street” barks Gordon, Gordon O’Donnell, the creator of the universe.
“Um, er, yes, well, perhaps, hum, ah maybe wheeze in trouble and need your help. The cops are here at the Arms doing a raid and look Gez says can you do some of that scary magic shit where you appear out of no where and burn bushes and part the seas etc. etc.?”
“Would you like me to wear a clown suit? Sandy, you are at times incorrigible whatever that means. Okay, I guess I can tape Coronation Street.”
Sound of the Tardis, Sound of the Tardis, Sound of the Tardis, Sound of the Tardis.
[Crikey Emmjay, ewes is a cheese cake, oops cheap park, no a cheesy park scape no a cheap sake. Talk about budget priced effects says Gib W]
“Hello GOD here, pint please Merv” as Gordon exits his portable toilet right in the middle of the bar at the Pigs Arms.
“Well Kennards were out of Pleece boxes old boy” answers Gordon.
“Do not move I am CIDSPCLMC Wire from the Inner Cyberian Federal Pleece and ewe is under arrest” roasts the officer.
“Well, it’s like this. Do you believe in God, Copper to the premises?” asks Gordon.
Now for those who cannot see, read, hear or feel their own crutch, the crew in the background start to quietly withdraw from the arena as they know, dem is fighting words and Gordon is here for a fight. Note to collective self, never interrupt Gordon in the middle of an episode of Coronation Street.
“Yes I do on a matter of fact, I am a devout God botherer but how in God’s name did you appear in this bar in a portable toilet while I heard the Sound of the Tardis?” exclaims Cooper Wire as he clasps his ears and looks to the heavens thinking to himself, why oh why did I take the Sunday overtime shift, suddenly realising that double time doesn’t seem enough.
[Christ Hung, you interrupted me from Coronation Street for this, you are dead meat mate! says Emmjay trying to figure out if it is day or night. Such simple tasks suit him.]
“Go on Gordon, turn him into a pillar of salt, you know like the good old days” says Foodge, finally getting something to say after extracting his genitals from his zipper.
“I like blue” says O’Hoo “or maybe honey and cream”
“Wide ya say that O’Hoo?” asks Fern.
“Oh, shut up, shut up the lot of you, I’m in really big trouble when I get back to the office and have to report to Malcolm” says Copper.
To be continued…