Tags
'Shoe, Foodge, granny, Hung, McSpoorrran
Story by Sandshoe.
Shoe and Hung are sittin’ at the bar. They’re fit to burst judgin’ the expression on their faces to say somethin’.Shoe … that’s me (credit idea to Mark who’s Hung to put self in) so don’t go fashin’ yoursel’ ’bout the unusalness of puttin’ a first person in instead of the third and pretendin’ they’re not loungin’ ’round in this e-stablishment with the rest of ’em spinnin’ tall tales and gossipin’ ’bout famous people like their tomorrow’s are all used up … and Hung who’s a sort of confidante of betcha, well, once crowned heads of Europe and knows most the names of every bikie in the carpark since he bandaged up their sore punchin’ wrists and
daubed iodine on cuts on their sweaty faces durin’ a brawl (lasted a week one long hot summer) they got in started by a mob of upswept vs natural’n’loose hairdressers … are gasbags.
It’s notable the two of ’em are sittin’ at the bar sayin’ nothin’ with that expression on both of their dials anybody knows who frequents … a place of low repute in some people’s diarisin’ and best place in others’ poetry anthology … this place, no home from home sweeter or e-stablishment their fancyin’, not only a scant mention in a lengthy history of the universe and no joke, their place in their sunset years to roost, perpetuals, like the chooks in the rafters.
Hung: Did you say the rafters, Shoe?
Shoe: I did, Hung. I did. Comprendez vous? Comprendez tes mes votre CHOOKS? The Pig’s Arms’ CHOOKS?
Hung: Bit flowery, Shoe. No matter. You sure about the rafters?
Shoe: Sure.
Hung: This comes to me as a surprise we’ve chooks in the attic.
Shoe: Me too. Not for long. Granny brought ’em back from Mejico, el pollo, see the new menu.
Hung: You mean Mex-ee-co. When did she go there?
Shoe: Yesterday.
Hung: Shoe, I can’t even hear ’em. In the attic? You believed her? I’ll talk to Granny.
Shoe: You’ll be goin’. She’s like a fashed chook on the run. She washed and starched the runner off the bar. She’s in the laundry tryin’ to iron it flat. Reckons she’s done it now.
Foodge: It’s perpendikular?
McSpoorrran (swaggers in the door in a dramatic cover all of clumps of hair of all colours and merged with red hair aglow on shafts of sunlight on his arms, bellows good naturedly): FOODGE! I gave y’ a lend for the hair cut and doin’ yourr nails, mon. Y’ll no’ be spendin’ m’ money in Rrrosie’s Emporrrium and House of Pain drrrinkin’ herr bottomless wee demi tasse’s of mocha and gigglin’ in m’ earrr thrrrough the thin walls in the tenant’s quarrrters all night long and paintin’ herr kitchen clatterrrin’ ladderrrs at 1 o’ the clock in the morrrrrnin’. Y’ owe me, mon. Aye, och, I’ve taken on the empty apparrrtment down the laneway. I’m yourrr neighbourrr now, wee mon and I’ve m’ rrrent to pay.
Foodge’s face would tell us of one dealin’, dinkum, with an ever life alterin’ history of the universe. I’ve laid a bet on it in the Sports Bar.
4:09 pm, South Australian time, 3 January, 2017.
PS: Read about Rosie and Rosie’s Emporium.
https://pigsarms.com.au/tag/rosies-tattoo-emporium-and-house-of-pain/
PPS: Read about McSpoorrran opening upstairs for men above Glenda’s Pig’s Legs Waxing and Beauty Salon
https://pigsarms.com.au/2016/12/21/bumper-christmas-edition-2016-episode-80-foodge-has-an-episode/
Apologies to Sandshoe. I received this story last week but was unable to publish it due to serious health reasons. I went bungee jumping and the rope was too long and needed a few days off.
warrigal said:
I love McSpooran’s little rant near the end and that image of the kitten in the sporran is priceless. Perhaps the women working within the Trump orbit might consider just such apparel as Workplace Personal Protective Equipment.
Ok Ok, enough of Trump, so here are two of dad’s bad scots jokes.
1
Q. Why do scotsmen wear a Sporran?
A. To stop a Scottish Uprising
2
A pretty young thing approaches a traditionally garbed scotsman and asks him just what it is that he has up his kilt.
He replies with a sly look, “Why don’t you put your hand up there and see.”
She’s a game girl this one, so she slips her hand under his kilt and feels about.
Suddenly here face takes on a cast of revulsion.
She suddenly whips her hand out shuddering and says’ “It’s gruesome!”
The scotsman slyly winks and suggests that if she puts her hand up under his kilt again it may “grue some more!”
And just to be going on with, when dad and I were engaged in some task which required me to hang on to something he would always say, “just imagine you’re a scotsman and the thing is a “fiver”.
That’s all I’ve got at the moment. Bess, our little staffy bitch, is having some surgery today and I’m a little distracted.
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Mark said:
Well said McWarrigal
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algernon1 said:
And you two McHung
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Mark said:
Thanks McAlgernon. Tis good to know our heritage.
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Mark said:
š š McFunny WG
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sandshoe said:
Waz, thank you. You know, you’ll only encourage me by professing you’ve enjoyed it. Nek minnit I’ll write another. š
Talk soon.
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gerard oosterman said:
Great story, Shoe. It explains why the patrons had egg on their faces with the chooks laying like crazy up the rafters. Any wedgies going today?
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sandshoe said:
Gez, thank you. Oh, yes good thinking. That does explain the egg faces. Granny only this a.m. chalked those up as Heaven High. Like an Exec. Orderer. She drew an egg next to PAY FOR THE EGG. You betcha kitchen’s in full swing Granny making wedgies. To mop the egg up off of the bar.
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Mark said:
Only egg coated McFries Gez. š
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sandshoe said:
The heat of the day is on us and it’s only gone night. Damn hot in South Australia for a few days.
Many kind thank you to readers who have read this latest episode of Foodge et al.
Many thanks to Hung. Hung and I have spoken through email setting up the episode and so I was made aware by Hung he is currently not so good. Hung, nice selection of the images I sent you and the layout. š
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Yvonne said:
I knew a bar runner once, name of Lloyd. He did errands for the local folks who frequented the bar.
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sandshoe said:
If it’s possible I am really keen to let Lloyd know we’ve got his back, Yvonne. š
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Yvonne said:
I’ll certainly tell him, if I can catch him on one of his bar runs.
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sandshoe said:
We do look out for the messenger, thank you Yvonne. š
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Mark said:
One L or two?
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sandshoe said:
It’s a fine line Hung, but if you are writing the correspondence, go the second ‘l’. Spare no expense….
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Yvonne said:
Oh, sorry. It was 3 Ls, in fact, an 2 ds. Silly me
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sandshoe said:
I so love excess Vonnn.
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Yvonne said:
That’s EEvonnn, in fact, but folks have a problem with that.
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Mark said:
xxxxyyyyyyzzzzz Big O
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Mark said:
Seriously if you take this comment seriously then it is you that has the problem.
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sandshoe said:
Uncle Mark, grab a nice cool drink on my tab.
If Merv says that tab’s been running for years and bout time Shoe pay it, then there’s a problem. Merv’s forgotten he’s make believe.
Heart to you, Hung.
Shoe.
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vivienne29 said:
I reckon they were bantams in the rafters. So glad the bar runner has been washed – isn’t that a first?
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sandshoe said:
Viv, Granny said it stood up on it own. Not like Granny to fash about guano.
Bantams? Did you think? Are they preferred fowl in Mexico? š
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Mark said:
McBantams?
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sandshoe said:
I guess. Thrifty?
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Big M said:
Mcsporran bent over, and everyone saw the crack in his defence. Seriously good, ‘shoe. Mcsporran can wave goodbye to that money.
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sandshoe said:
Sounds frankly that Foodge got away scot free with his nails and hair done then, Big. Thanks for compliment. I do like writing these.
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Big M said:
Well, you and I know Foodge, A bar tab like the Sydney Yellow Pages.
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sandshoe said:
Foodge is not alone. A few here have a tab and then they reckon they don’t drink at this watering hole.
Big, we’re a bit more like kids than some people we’ve got such developed imaginations, eh. I could really swear it I’m embarrassed. I don’t pay mine either. Crook, eh.
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Big M said:
Merv made me mop out the dunnies for not payin’ mine.
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Therese Trouserzoff said:
Fowl ! I cried. And there upon the burrito bowl lay the best pair of drumsticks granny has been seen with in many a day.
What is it with all the pussies today ? Are we being sponsored by the Pussie Protection Society.
PS – theres a PPS coming.
PPS – if you want your pussie protected – who ya gunna call ?
Nice story, ‘Shoe / Hung – cagey indeed – and quite pussibly roosted.
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sandshoe said:
Emm, thank you. Glad you enjoyed it.
PS: your humble servant , boss.
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Mark said:
McEmm is the McBoss but deep down inside he loves us…ur, um, and McCats(darn)
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Mark said:
Great story shoe, very nice angle.
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sandshoe said:
Thank you, Hung. Straight up, I like your choice of the images I sent and captions.
The Burrito Brothers are giving Tone a run for his money in their hot chilli red budgie smugglers !
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Mark said:
Keep em comin young McGirl
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Mark said:
Thanks McShoe, soul sister for sure.
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sandshoe said:
I’ll write another one this week-end. Thank you for cheering me on.
Hung, you ok hangin out at the bar and on the screen at the moment? You sure you don’t need some more time out?
Emmjay won’t mind posting a story for me I’m sure and you can have a break. What do you think? You’ve been keeping the pub open for a good while…
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Mark said:
I’m McGood at the McMoment. My McDoctor wants me to go into McHospital so send stories to McEmmjay for the short term.
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Therese Trouserzoff said:
Look after yourself our dear Hung ! Fonds, Emm.
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sandshoe said:
Ok. Thank you for a very Mccool reply. Will do. McEmm can post them short term. However long that has to be, we’ll sort it.
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sandshoe said:
McEmm and I cross posted. That doesn’t happen often here. Its settled then. Sorted.
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