The ship ploughed through the heavy seas with waves breaching the bow and the wind so cold as to chill your bones. Black as night with no moon and raging seas the ship continued it’s journey. The captain knew what needed to be done and that was to reach the Inner Cyberian port of Port Disendower by day break otherwise there would be trouble for all concerned.
The crew braced themselves for every impact of the rise and fall of the great ship and they secretly groaned underneath their breath so no one else would notice
there suffering or fear or worse, both. Only the captain knew what the cargo was and to tell
that secret could mean his life, or even worse, having to watch re-runs of Seinfeld.
“Aye, Capn” said the first mate. Look I hope you don’t mind me abbreviating captain to Capn as I’m a lousy typist plus it gives the story that pirate sort of feel. “Aye Capn” yes you’ve said that “this storm is an omen that we are doomed” cries the first mate(FM).
“Fuck off” says the Capn with his usual tact. “We must get this cargo through other wise all hell will break loose.”
“And what cargo would they be?” winks the FM as he only has one eye and the other one is closed.
“None you mind. Now chuck a right seems like wheeze is approaching some sort of guano infested rock up ahead.”
“You mean starboard Capn, wheeze don’t do right when wheeze at sea”
Oh FFS, thinks the captain, where does the author dig these characters up from. “Okay then turn starboard a bit”
“That ain’t guano Capn, that’s an iceberg” cries the FM.
“Great. Look chip some off and I’ll have it in my scotch later” claims the captain.
“But it’s gale force-winds Capn.”
“Yes, I went to school with Gail, bit of a dish was our Gail.”
Oh FFS thinks the FM, where does the author dig up these characters.
The ship narrowly misses the iceberg and continues it’s journey to Port Disendower.
The captain returns to his cabin for some cabernet, roast chicken and fresh baked
bread when a knock comes at the door. It’s the FM.
“Capn, pirates on the port bow” he cries. Seems to do a lot of crying this FM.
“Tell them I’m busy and need to go to the podiatrist” says the captain.
“No daze is gunna board us, slit our throats and steal our precious but yet unknown cargo” replies the FM.
“Well blow them out of the water”
“Questions, always questions. Tell them if they ever want another Trotter’s Ale that granny will be very nasty to them, very nasty indeed, if fact granny may not even serve her wedgies with her famous Vegemite and herring sauce if they so harm us, subject to high court challenge. Get Foodge” replies the captain.
“Wot, wedgies with no sauce?”
The FM relays the message and with that the pirates scamper and the sun rises in the direction from which the sun rises. The boat pulls into the harbour with Merv and granny waiting patiently on the dock with the Zephyr. The gangplank goes down and the captain walks ashore. “Captain Captain at your service, cargo has arrived, all the fresh potatoes you need for your wedges.”
The FM faints.
Some of this story is true but not much really.