Take it from me, don’t let a buoy go down, allegedly…

Merv was pleased to be reversing the old EH Special into the Pigs Arms garage, but was still bloody cranky with Janet. The usual story, they’d blued, she cried, called him a bastard, he told her to fuck right off, which she did with the kids. Now she’s staying out at Buttfuck West with ’Her People’. He’d done the right thing, driven up, bought real good flowers from the servo and a bottle of Porphyry Pearl from the grog shop. I won’t record the anatomical locations Janet had instructed Merv to relocate his well thought out gifts. Anyhoo, Merv was well buggered after a long drive.

“Welcome back Mr Merv, didja buy yerself a Mickey Mouse shirt when you were out West?” O’Hoo took a break from pressure cleaning the cement path.

“It’s not Mickey Mouse, it’s just Man Boob Sweat and dirt. Thanks fer askin’.”

“When’s the rest of the family coming home, I thought you’d gone to pick ‘em up?”

Merv burst into tears. “She’s gone, mate, gone and not comin’ back” Merv took a second to blow his nose on his T-shirt.

“Come on mate.” O’Hoo switched off the pressure cleaner and put a comforting arm around Merv’s shoulder. “I’ll carry yer bag.”

Granny was waiting at the back door, having heard the exchange. She reached up and kissed him on the cheek. “Come on son.” The pair helped Merv navigate upstairs to his apartment. “You jump in the shower and I’ll round up some grub and a refreshment.” Granny was almost out the door when she turned. “I’ll take them filthy clothes and toss them in the laundry.” O’Hoo conveyed the offending items from the en suite. “Blowin’ yer nose on yer shirt…” Muttered Granny.

eff this…says Gordon allegedly

Half an hour later Merv was feeling a hundred, no, maybe eighty percent, especially as he was back in his favourite gold boxing shorts and pink Pigs Arms singlet. He wandered down to the bar where Granny had his favourite pulled pork burger and hot wedges. He reached across the bar and pulled himself a pint of Best. Crikey, he thought to himself, if anyone needs to recover from emotional turmoil, this was the place to be. “I’d better get back into it!” He announced to no one in particular.

“No you bloody won’t!” Granny pointed a gnarled finger at him. “We’ve got help in, plus the fellers have stepped up.”

With that a rubbery face appeared from behind the bar. “Another canoe, Mr Merv?”

“Oh, shit, go ahead then Foodge.” Seconds later a fairly well pulled pint slid across the bar. “I’ll take me words back, cheers Foodge.”

“I heard that you probably need legal representation.” Enthused Foodge. “I mean, I’m sorry to hear about you and Janet.”

“I think I need a Family Law expert, not a high profile Criminal Barrister like yerself. Hey, where’s this help Granny was talkin’ about?”

“Day off, she’ll be back tomorrow.”

“She?” Merv motioned towards his empty glass. “I’ll be lookin’ forward to meetin’ her. I’ll bet she’s bloody gorgeous!”

Foodge pushed another pint towards Merv. “Oh, you don’t know the half of it.”

This is not Merv, allegedly