Gordon and Merv Lock Horns

Story by Mark.

Concept development thanks to the Congo Crew.

Ring, ring, ring, ring, etc., etc., not to be confused with ect.

In the old days, I would let the speaking telegraph ring as long as possible, normally to piss off the caller and or to boost the word count. Today, however, I’m a mature resident of the world and will no longer stoop to those levels, well sort of.

Well, anyway, it’s before noon so it must be the Bish that is ringing me. No one in their right mind would ever ring me before four in the afternoon.

“Hello” I say in a rather perfunctory manner, “Father O’Way here, semi-retired parish priest from the Church of St. Generic Brand speaking. How may I help you? Hang on, I just need to void.”

Voiding is a natural function. Now, if you follow Gordon’s teachings, you won’t find voiding has ever been mentioned, except for behind a tree after many pints. It’s about as close as it gets.

“The FUCU(Fictional United Characters Union or the FUC You) has been on to me. Sandy, you now have to take on a foreground role down at the pub.” says the Bish, you know, Bishop Bishop.

“The FUCU?” I exaggerate with every bit of my poor capacity to exaggerate. “Sorry, but I only do background roles, you know, sitting at the bar, sipping a beer, an occasional witty interlude.” Well, isn’t it great to take a backward step from the front line.

“Well, smart arse, a patron has rung me on the speaking telegraph and said that Merv and Gordon are having a heated dispute down at the pub. You need to get down to the pub, pronto.”

Every boys dream. Imagine someone telling you that you need to get down to the pub straight away.

Not so sure if I can continue.

“Did you mean the Window Dressers Arms Pig and Whistle?” stretching the word count beyond belief.

“FFS, Sandy, the Pigs Arms, the Window fucking Dressers Arms Pig and fucking Whistle, WTF are you on about?!!

“Well, Emmjay always said a good short story is somewhere between 500 to 1500 words. So if you say, ”go down the pub” that’s four words, however if you say “go down to the Window Dressers Arms Pig and Whistle” that’s ten words. The detail is important.”

Gee, I can see that I am dazzling the Bish with these statistics.

“Yes, well sometimes I believe in the death penalty” states the Bish. “Now get down the pub, I mean the Window Dressers Arms Pig and Whistle and sort out this argument. Now!!”

Wow. Double exclamation marks means business.

You know, we have just got past the speaking telegraph call and yet there is so much more of this story to go.

So I gets to the pub, you know, the Window Dressers Arms Pig and Whistle, just to rub it in to the word count function.

“Merv, Gordon, stop. Pints all round of Granny’s Best. Now, if you have anything to say, your time starts now.” Wow, was that assertive or what.

“Now what seems to be the problem?” I ask rather innocently.

“Gordon wants to move the car park”

“Merv says no way”

“What’s wrong with the car, park?” I say emphasising the comma.

“I’m bored. The Bill repeats have finished for the last time in 50 years” says Gordon of course.

“I want cars out the back, not out the front like this fucking God freak wants” says Merv.

“I don’t believe in God, I am God” replies Gordon.

Now, there is actually more to come and it revolves around gladwrap.

In my next exciting episode I will reveal to you the issue with galdwrap and it’s tearing properties.

Look, gladwrap you say, sorry, even small things have implications. I mean a butterfly farts in Concord and so a flood in Pakistan occurs. Well, I think so…