While you were watching this ......

As I write, Australia is in the thrall of ‘Utegate’. It’s another ‘Ah ha! Gotcha!’ moment of which we are being served a regular diet.

Malcolm Turnbull alleges that the Australian parliament has been misled by the lies of government ministers. This, we are told, is a most heinous crime. Yet, politicians lie to the Australian public all the time. In my book, this is a greater crime than misleading parliament. Yet they do so with impunity. So what’s this fuss really about?

This question can also be asked of the Tony Stewart affair. His Ah ha! Gotcha! moment occurred when he (allegedly) bawled out a staffer in public then held her leg so she couldn’t leave (allegedly). There was also that other grumpy politician, Belinda Neal, who (allegedly) yelled at a staff member at the Iguana nightclub then (allegedly) lied about it.

I don’t know about you, but, in the main, I can’t see what all the kerfuffle’s about. Politicians are certainly behaving badly. And when they compound the felony by lying their actions can only be judged as ignoble – yes, and sometimes even criminal. Nevertheless, our preoccupation with such trivial matters is elevating them to a position that isn’t rightly theirs.

In doing so, are important issues being overlooked? Indeed, are we being served up a mountain of trivialities in order to distract us? Are the Australian public being razzle-dazzled?

Remember Marcus Einfeld? His Ah ha! Gotcha! moment came over a $77 speeding fine that he tried to get out of by lying to the courts. No doubt he behaved badly. He also paid a high price with a rather long custodial term. (Is he still in jail?).

When Einfeld’s case was all over the news there was another story of far more importance being played out in the background. It was largely ignored, not being nearly as ‘sexy’.

The same year (2006) that Einfeld had been prosecuted for speeding he had also been appointed by the government of the Solomon Islands to head up a judicial inquiry into the April 2006 riots in Honiara. The riots occurred because of popular dissatisfaction with the results of a general election – especially the appointment of Snyder Rini as Prime Minister.

The inquiry was very unpopular with the then Howard government as it intended to raise issues of culpability and incompetence of not only the Solomon Islands’ authorities but also of the Regional Assistance Mission to the Solomon Islands (RAMSI) -a body that had been formulated by countries in the region and headed up by Australia as a peace-keeping mission during the ethnic tensions at the request of the then Solomon Islands government. The request for assistance had come from the Prime Minister immediately previous to Rini, Sir Allan Kemakeza.

In the aftermath of the riots, Manasseh Sogavare, a more acceptable choice to the people of the Solomon Islands, subsequently replaced Rini. However, he was not so acceptable to the Australian government having always been a strong critic of RAMSI.

What followed was an international incident of significant proportions that contained allegations of corruption amongst Solomon Islands politicians, charges of bullying and overstepping their authority against the Australian government and RAMSI, High Commissioners being declared as persona non grata, illegal raids on the offices of Prime Ministers – and that’s not the half of it.

During most of this time we, the Australian people, were following, with bated breath, the Marcus Einfeld $77 speeding fine saga.

Perfect timing sustains the conspiracy theory. On July, 13, 2006, Sogavare appoints Marcus Einfeld as chairman of the committee of inquiry – August 10, a criminal investigation into Einfeld commences while in parliament Alexander Downer announces that he has “concerns” about the Solomon Islands inquiry.

Disgracing the chairman of a commission so unpopular with Canberra would certainly put a spoke in the wheel. Wouldn’t it? And it did.

Yet only one commentator picked up on this. (Patrick O’Connor writing for the World Socialist Web Site.) Not even Einfeld himself gave voice to highly probable political motivations. I can only guess why not

In a serendipitous bonus for Canberra, as well as the speeding Einfeld, the inquiry would also deliver up another large target.

Lawyer, Julian Moti, later appointed Attorney General under the same Solomon Islands Prime Minister who commissioned the inquiry, Manasseh Sogavare, largely formulated the inquiry’s terms of reference.

After his appointment, it took the Australian government no time at all to resurrect a largely dormant inquiry into an old (1997) sex charge against Moti allegedly committed in Vanuatu while he was resident there. The judiciary of Vanuatu dropped the charge in 1999.

The Moti affair, had further international ramifications when the Prime Minister of Papua New Guinea, Sir Michael Somare refused to hand over Moti to Australian authorities to answer the charges and helped him reach Honiara. Once there Sogavare also refused to repatriate him to Australia.

During the stoush that followed, allegations flew about corruption, bribing of magistrates and the right of sovereign nations to conduct their own affairs without interference.

Pacific relations had hit an all time low.

Yet we cared little for this as we got caught up in the Einfeld perverting the course of justice charge and the Moti sex-tourism charges. (Moti was subsequently extradited back to Australia to face the charges when the new Island government under the leadership of Dr. Derek Sikua felt it was prudent to do so. His case is pending in the Brisbane courts as I write)

So, in spite of any crimes Einfeld and Moti may have committed (and do remember – no charges against Moti have been proved), I can’t help feeling that both of them are the scapegoats served up to distract us from seriously important political matters.

So what’s the real story behind Utegate? Are you starting to feel like a fool whose righteous indignation will be used as a weapon for an unknown agenda? Me too.

Susan Merrell – first published on Open Forum http://www.openforum.com.au/content/razzle-dazzleem on 26 June 2009

Thanks to News for the loan of the Pic.

Speculation was rife at the Pig’s Arms last night when Merv spent an inordinate amount of time in the Pig’s Legs having Glenda attend to his dial. The word in the front bar is that Merv intends to throw his hat into the ring as the new head of the APF and that he’s preparing for an interview.

His old mate Clarrie (Claret to Merv) from the now disbanded Division 21 (Liquor Licensing) team dropped a bombshell when he pointed out the unusually large number of former members of the force currently sheltering in the comparatively placid pool of licensed publicans.

Punters at the Pig’s have understandably started to join the dots and are coming to appreciate the nature of the cosy relationship that Merv has with the Pig’s resident bikie gang of geometricians – the Hells Angles.

Merv, on the other hand has started to wear his sunnies inside and on rainy days at night, claiming he has conjunctivitis, but Manne has sprung him doing little speeches into the mirror about strategic initiatives in the war on terriers (Helvi take note) and importation of boogie bags.

Danny said that he saw Tom Peterson – former ABC morning anchorman sipping a pink drink and leafing through a presentation copy of “How to Win Friends and Avoid Dropping Important People in the Shit” with Merv. Merv was nodding quite a lot and looking surprised with his new-found knowledge. Clearly Merv is banking on being able to emulate Keelty – wrangling the press corp and enjoying the kind of control that only expert spinners like Peterson can bring to a turning pitch.

Nobody is buying the story Merv put to Danny – that his urgent demand to have the Jag serviced and tanked up – was for a pressing need to visit to the national Gallery to see the new soft scuplture exhibition.

The consensus in the Pig’s Arms was that Merv would be really a great candidate for Keelty’s job, considering his vast experience watering down things at the Pig’s and because his inadhesive qualities rival granny’s Teflon wedge pans.

Our thanks to Indonesian Press for the loan of their their photo of Keelty

Scrooge McTurnbull

“When times are hard and political progress seems even more difficult than usual, Malcolm returns to his roots and seeks refuge in a visit to his money. Obeying the age old laws of plutocracy, he dons the uniform common to his class and enters his vault. After reverently whispering the ritual invocation, “The way to make money is when there is blood running in the streets”, he discards the traditional duck lips and topper to more closely inspect one of his finer nuggets.

“Mmmmm”, says Malcolm, ” I wonder if you can get a Bentley ute”

Warrigal

The discussion in the Pig’s Arms front bar has been heating up all week.

Armin was the first to stake his claim over total dominance of the high moral ground.

“I have never received a phone call from either Malcolm Turnbull or Joe Hockey. Not in recent weeks, not ever. And despite my purchase of a second-hand ute from Danny next door, I have never sought financial assistance from Wayne Swan”.

“I bought it with bar tips and from money I earned doing courier work for the Hell’s Angles.”

“Exactly what kind of courier work ?” inquired Merv.

“They often get me to carry soap powder over to their laundry in Canberra”.

“Like the soap powder famously found in Emmjay’s boogie board?” snorted Merv.

“I guess so”, said Armin, “Apparently there’s a huge whitewash job underway in Treasury. They seem to be having a bit of a problem with leaky equipment though, and there’s supposed to be a huge puddle running all the way from Godwin Grech’s hard drive, down the street, past Liberal Party headquarters and ending up in Steve Lewis’ in-tray”.

Seeking to distance himself from an earlier post concerning a desire for a new guitar, Emmjay pointed out (that as Hung has since confirmed), the guitar in question was a Gretsch and also definitely had nothing to do with the Grech currently experiencing random memory failure.

“I may have offered Kevin Rudd the use of my Zephyr – strictly for campaign purposes – but I have never sought special favours – particularly in relation to charges concerning an unfortunate international incident commonly known as the ‘yellow crocheted swimmers affair’.

Merv said that scurrilous rumours that he had swayed Steve Fielding to vote one way or the other on the pink alcopops legislation were completely unfounded.

By this stage it was getting pretty crowded on the small patch of high ground next to the bar, and there was barely enough room left for Anatomou to deny any familial connection with Nick Xenophon, or specific advantage gained from a few billion dollars of Penny Wong’s Murray Darling cash for the environment concession.

The unspoken and pivotal comment was left – as usual – to Voice.

Danny of Dodgy City

Glenda’s other half Danny sloped in through the front door of the Pig’s Arms and made a beeline for Merv. He’s been doing it tough since the GFM and his used car yard “Dodgy City” has been empty since he’s been unable to offer his traditional “No-deposit Easy Finance”.

A schooner of Trotter’s, thanks. I’m totally over being governed through a bullshit conflict-driven political process. His brow furrowed. He continued.

The Opposition, desperately lookin’ for relevance have pushed me over the top with the UteGate Affair. It completely defies logic.

Merv pretended to polish a glass and was quietly contemplating the odds on Wal’s dog “Leichhardt Flash” at Dapto tonight. “Yeah ?”

Why would a Prime Minister and his Treasurer put their necks on the line for a mate whose sole interest is supposed to be extracting a favour and getting a foot in the trough through the loan or gift of something so trivial as a bloody ute ? Particularly when the bloke’s cashed up to the gills anyway ?

If a national leader was interested in a bit of baksheesh, surely something on the scale of a contract for reconstructing the Middle East or flogging a few hundred million dollars worth of, let’s say, a major export grain crop, would be more in the line of a fair quid-pro-quo for taking the risk.

Even if there was something really on the nose and Utegate allegations could for some crazy reason be true, who could possibly donate a rodent’s anus ?

Yes, yes. Upholding standards, moral this, example for the nation that, blah blah blah.

I have two words for the Leader of the Opposition.

Trotters Ale ? Yeah thanks.

No, – “British Parliament” – rorting their allowances to get the British taxpayer to pay for such essentials as repairs to the family moat. That’s surely the gold standard in skunk work. Not counting grain sales amnesia.

Merv said he was a bit ashamed that all the Australian Parliament can come up with is Peter Reith’s phone bill and possibly Kevin’s Ute plus a couple of nudges and winks. “If I was the Leader of the Opposition, I’d bury that last one in case the rest of the world thought we weren’t taking the GFC and the AGW and rampant corporate corruption seriously.”

Danny finished the last of his foamy Trotters and continued “In case nobody on the Opposition bench – and let’s face it, there are quite a few falling into that category – has noticed it, there’s this thing called Australia that needs to be governed – thankfully not by a pack of banjo players who want to flog dead horses with the flimsiest bullshit that they can dream up to try to assassinate the character of the elected folks.”

What’s the message to me and the rest of the Australian voters ? “You must be fuckwits for voting for these scoundrels !”

I mean, what car flogger hasn’t petitioned his local MP for a kick-in for hard times ?

It’s just a ute. Not a gazillion barrels of sweet light crude. Just a ute and maybe also a nod and a wink, possibly. For Pete’s sake, I’d give the leader of the Opposition leader a ute too. Or at least a ride in Emmjay’s Zephyr.

Merv came over all serious “But good government depends on good Opposition. Perhaps the Opposition needs to have what that means spelled out. It’s not, as the halfwit adage goes “The job of the Opposition is to oppose”. I would suggest that the job of the opposition is to assist, encourage, even force the Government to improve legislation – itself a big call. To disagree with the bantamweight policy and flyweight delivery – and (here’s the rub) come up with something better.”

“Sure” he went on, speaking to the politician in his head, “represent your narrow sectional interests and peddle yesterday’s stale ideology (if in fact they have an ideology), but for Australia’s sake, they ought to get up off their fat bronze and DO SOME REAL WORK !”

“Amen to that. Listen, can I use your mobile, Merv. I’ve got to give Tony a call. Do you have a fax ?”

Pic borrowed from http://www.barkingcarnival.com – with thanks.

Centralising and decentralising the response to Australia’s biggest disaster

In facing massive disasters like the Victorian fires, there are local, state and national governments involved – as well as many non-government agencies (that some, including those in government, regard as being more effective in delivering and managing social welfare), we have a recipe for potentially less than the best outcomes.

The problem comes back to a basic idea.  We have a huge and so often hostile country.  And we have only 20 million or so citizens to pay the bills for our services and our physical and electronic networks.

If John Howard got just one thing right – and I appreciate that even the possibility might be highly contestable – we have a country deeply rooted in the notion of looking after our mates (notwithstanding the lowest forms of life – arsonists and looters).  Perhaps JWH was a bit myopic in failing to grasp that our mates might also include people with whom we might not share as common ALL our views.  But the volunteers from other states and territories – and indeed our mates from other countries with special skills, rallying to the Victorian disaster, prove that we are indeed “One”.

Yet we have three levels of government plus a huge array of non-government organisations and a wonderful army of volunteers.   And the co-ordination of resources scattered thinly amongst this array of players is our great weakness.

As far as centralising disaster response goes, I think this disaster is a reminder that a nation of about 20 million people cannot afford to muck around with three layers of government and nightmares of co-ordination amongst states and territories.

As the Australian government is increasingly being called in to fix the states’ hopeless health systems and all the inadequacies and roadblocks caused by conflicting state commercial and other law, environmental degradation, education and transport, and on and on, the appropriate response for addressing the needs of all Australian citizens is the one that we saw when the other states’ and ACT fire-fighters went to Victoria.  Forget the red tape and all hands to the pumps.

We are all Australians.  And it’s time to dissolve the states and not just manage disasters as disparate states together, but manage the whole country at regional and national levels.

As a person living in NSW, I think we have plumbed the depths of state governmental incompetence and corruption and I for one would not miss them for a minute if they were gone with the wind.

There are clearly great people working in state governments and amongst the manifold public servants who implement state government policy.  But there also seem to be, from a total lack of evidence of magnificent success, many individuals with little or no vision, no depth of knowledge or experience in any particular discipline running important portfolios like health, transport, education, environment, energy and most importantly, water.  And there are the arse-coverers whose main agenda is to adopt a low profile, avoid effecting any change (positive or otherwise) and hide their incompetence and lack of energy and political courage.  Sometimes these folks are well-meaning, but in NSW at least, they have a proven track record being historically unable to work around party hack ministers whose only talent is to have the numbers.  For them, a big win is keeping their ministers off the front page.

If we accept that great, and even merely good politicians and servants of the public are in short supply, can we do anything to fix this situation ?  Some might argue that there is currently no prerequisite for a higher degree or any other professional training in running the nation, or even a small part of it.  Must do a TAFE course to be a plumber, but can run a state if all you have is the numbers.  Would a mandatory course in government do it ?  Apparently not.

Perhaps, as is fashionable now, Australians could take a leaf out of the “Big Book of How to Run a Corporation”.  If it is not working and adding value, just get rid of it.  Perfect solution for state governments.  If Australia did not have state governments, would we have allowed the Murray Darling to go guts up and excuse ourselves by blaming people who live in other states upstream ?

Imagine – no State Departments to amalgamate and re-amalgamate every time there’s a change in government.  No heads of Department to sack and replace with former opposition party hacks.  No ridiculous and endless COAG meetings to squabble over the tax receipt pie.

Imagine if we had a few dozen large regional councils running everything locally and a national government protecting us, negotiating with the rest of the world on our behalf, monitoring, funding and co-ordinating regional councils.  Would that not prove that states (for a population as small as Australia’s) are useless anachronisms ?  And we could get rid of inequitable state “taxes for nothing” like land tax, stamp duties, payroll tax (remember how those were goners when GST came in ?  Yeah, sure).

Instead of having six or seven different administrations for education, environment, transport, policing and health, we could have just one – setting one standard for every regional council to implement.

The Victorian fires have shown that Australians have a great capacity to work closely and care for each other in times of extreme adversity, despite our overly complex administration and governance.  We can, and should carry this through to all the services we need as citizens.  And we should have the courage to make the big changes that eliminating a moribund level of governance will require – and also those that will need to be put in place to make regional councils serve us far better than the many corrupt and incompetent gangs we find in today’s local government.