Neville Cole

On the first day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
a Partridge in a Pear Tree.

The cat ate the partridge and the pear tree lost all its leaves overnight.

On the second day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
2 Turtle Doves

Both of which the cat is eyeing hungrily.

On the third day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
3 French Hens

I think they are French. One is wearing a tiny beret.

On the fourth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
4 Calling Birds

Enough with the birds! There’s bird shit, feathers and bits of wing all over the living room. The cat is so fat she can barely stand.

On the fifth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
5 Golden Rings

I was excited until one of the “golden” rings turned my finger green.

On the sixth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
6 Geese a Laying

Oh boy, my true love is really getting on my nerves now! Hello, I live in an apartment!

On the seventh day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
7 Swans a Swimming

There are currently seven swans a swimming in my bathtub and six geese a laying on my bed. Best Christmas ever!

On the eighth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
8 Maids a Milking

Ok. I have to admit, after seven days of disappointment this seemed promising; but cows are even messier than geese and swans.

On the ninth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
9 Ladies Dancing

There wasn’t room for the ladies to do much but gyrate in place but I was fine with that.

On the tenth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
10 Lords a Leaping

The lords got drunk, trashed the place, ran off with the ladies and the maids and left me with the eight cows.

On the eleventh day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
11 Pipers Piping

This one just about did me in as I had hit the eggnog a little too hard the night before with a bunch of dancing lords.

On the twelfth day of Christmas
my true love sent to me:
12 Drummers Drumming

It took me twelve days to figure out my true love didn’t want to be my true love any more. She sure knows how to hurt a guy. I’ll never get the smell of bird shit and rancid milk out of my rug.

Merry Christmas, Everyone! I hope you got all you deserved for Christmas and more! I know I did.